How Do You Speak Love?
“For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships.
Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.”
- Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages
As Valentine’s Day is around the corner, today’s post will be about the ways in which we communicate love to others and our expectations of how love is to be communicated to us. The 5 Love Languages written by Dr. Gary Chapman was first published in 1992. To me, this book is an oldie but a goodie! Dr. Chapman’s work is based on the premise that each of us communicates love in different ways. Once we understand how a person gives and receives love, we will be able to develop a better relationship with him/her.
What are the 5 Love Languages?
Words of Affirmation - we feel loved when we receive positive and encouraging words from the people who matter to us. These words can be in the form of praise, appreciation, validation and compliment.
Acts of Service - love is expressed when others do things for us, often things that we are not able to do as we’re busy or stressed or chores that we dislike.
Receiving Gifts - it is not the gift alone that signifies the love shown but the thought, time and effort put into the gift that matters.
Quality Time - we know we are loved when the other person gives us undivided attention. This may take the form of being fully present and listening without judgment.
Physical Touch - affection is shown physically in both sexual and non-sexual ways such as holding hands and hugging.
My love language is primarily receiving gifts and this is also the way I show love to others. I enjoy figuring out the types of gifts that will make my family and friends happy. I love the expression on their faces when the gifts I chose for them were exactly what they wanted. I also have an inclination towards words of affirmation as I show my love by encouraging others. When I receive words of affirmation, I feel energised and appreciated. My husband, on the other hand, is not a gift giver. He is also an introvert and expressing emotions is not second nature to him. His love language is acts of service. I recalled that in our early years of marriage, we often misunderstood our expressions of love for each other. I thought that my husband didn’t love me as much as I love him because he didn’t buy gifts for me unless it was my birthday or Christmas and he didn’t express his love for me in words. What I failed to see was that he consistently did the chores even after long days at work without complaints. He was frustrated with me as I didn’t seem to appreciate his acts of service. We were both expecting love to be shown to us in the language we were fluent in but which was not the natural language for the giver.
I’m relieved that after 18 years of marriage, we have learnt to speak each other’s love languages to a large extent. We’re both still work in progress in this area but there are definitely improvements. My husband says, “I love you” almost on a daily basis and takes time to affirm me in the areas that matters to me. He’s still not a big gift giver but I’ve come to terms with that. As for me, I take time to notice and appreciate his acts of service around the home, for me and for the kids. I am mindful not to take him for granted when he completes chores which no one else does. It has taken us time, patience and empathy to work on understanding each other better. As we grow older, quality time together is growing on us too as a common love language. I believe that although we have our primary love languages, there are instances where the other love languages resonate with us once we take the focus away from ourselves and pay keen attention to what the other wants.
My teenage son’s love language has changed as he is going through a self-discovery phase. His love language used to be receiving gifts but I’ve noticed over recent years, quality time and words of affirmation mean more to him. As for my daughters, the elder girl definitely enjoys quality time with me and my younger daughter loves hugs and kisses. I am intentional about setting aside one-to-one time with each of them throughout the week to ensure that they are loved in the way that speaks the loudest for them.
If you do not know what your love language is, you can take the quizzes found in Dr. Chapman’s website at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/. There are different quizzes for couples, singles, teens and children.
““Real love" - This kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.”
― Dr. Gary Chapman
So, you have taken the quiz and so have those whom you love. You know each other’s love languages. Now what?
Check in with yourself. Do you agree with the results of the quiz? If not, what do you think your love language is? Think about how you have shown love to others. Also, consider how you felt when love was received by you in a different love language.
Check with the people you love. Do they agree with their results? Have an open discussion on how to show love to each other. What has worked in the past? What could be done differently?
Stay curious and have fun! It’s all about keeping the communications line open, suspending judgment and being present and intentional when showing love.
If you have been going through a rough patch in your relationships, be it from a communication viewpoint or past hurts and resentment and want to explore coaching to improve your relationships, drop me a note here or schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call with me!
“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.”