Dare to be Different
"It doesn’t matter what we do until we accept ourselves. Once we accept ourselves, it doesn’t matter what we do."
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Charly Heavenrich, American life coach
I had an interesting conversation with my daughters several weeks ago about what they will wear for a school function. They were given an opportunity to wear their ethnic outfits, normally reserved for the Chinese New Year celebrations. I thought they will be thrilled with the idea of ditching their school uniforms. To my surprise, my girls did not want to dress up for the occasion. The youngest felt that she had outgrown her dress and it was not comfortable to wear it for the entire school day. The elder girl said it was too hot to wear the dress and may cause her to itch and have her eczema flare up. Their reasons were logical but I was concerned they may be teased at school for standing out from the rest of the prettily dressed girls. They surprised me again. They were both fine with standing out and doing what feels right for them instead of worrying about being teased or ridiculed. You can say that was a proud moment for me as their mother, that I raised my girls the right way. They are comfortable in their own skin and do not worry about what others think or say of them. However, it was also a somewhat melancholy moment for me as they are still young and have a lot to learn as they grow up. We all know that life is harsher and complicated when we are in adulthood. Is this complexity our own doing? Perhaps, but it takes a lot of courage to stand one’s ground and be secure in one’s self despite external pressures and expectations of society.
How often did you feel, even now as an adult, that you cannot be truly yourself in certain situations? How many of the following scenarios resonate with you?
When your colleagues gossip about another colleague who doesn’t quite fit in, do you feel compelled to join in? Is it easy for you to walk away or neutralise the situation?
Do you feel embarrassed or “small” when members of your extended family talk about their professional achievements? You feel that your achievements pale in comparison because you did not climb the corporate ladders like they did but chose a creative profession which you are passionate about. You stay quiet in these conversations.
When you are at a social gathering with your friends and everyone is talking about their significant others, do you feel that there is something wrong with you? Is that why you are not in a long term relationship with a potential partner? What if you don’t want to be in a relationship at this point in time? Do you feel confident in sharing your views on this?
Do you dress in a certain way, talk about certain topics and suppress your true beliefs and opinions just to get into the “in-crowd” whether it’s the “right” type of people to network with at work in order to be more visible or at family or social gatherings because you don’t want to be judged or rock the boat by saying something controversial even if it’s what you truly believe in?
I am aware that we observe certain social etiquette when we are interacting with people and are mindful of sensitive topics such as political affiliations, religious beliefs, heated issues in the news and the football team you support all year round! I’m not questioning your beliefs. My question is irrespective of whether you are the life of the party or a wallflower, are you comfortable in your own skin? Do you like yourself as you are today?
Photo by Joshua Eckstein on Unsplash
What is the difference between self-esteem and self-acceptance? Dr. Hugo Alberts (Ph.D.) – psychologist, researcher and founder of PositivePsychology.com explained the difference as follows: Self-esteem relates to how a person rates him- or herself (i.e. positive or negative) whereas self-acceptance occurs when a person just relates to him- or herself without any judgment or “scoring positive or negative marks”.
Self-esteem, in a way, is conditional self-acceptance. Self-acceptance has nothing to do with worth. It is also not about “doing” to become someone. It is just affirming yourself for who you are at this present moment, appreciating your strengths and weaknesses. You are not inferior or should have lower self-esteem because you have weaknesses. We all have weaknesses. What matters is that we recognise our weaknesses and learn to grow as a person, while at all times, being kind to ourselves because growing takes time and may be painful.
Consider and reflect on these questions to begin your journey to start accepting yourself for who you are:
Who are you?
Who are you? This time, answer without using labels, roles and job description. Yes, this is much harder to tackle!
What is the real you like? Answer in relation to your values and qualities.
How do you feel about yourself right now?
How do others make you feel about yourself right now?
What do you think others think of you?
What are you noticing when you think of others’ perception of you?
What parts of you are you dying to let out?
What would happen if you did?
What would your future self of 20 years from now advise you today?
Have fun discovering the answers to these questions and begin to fully accept yourself unconditionally. If you need support in any of the areas in your life that made you uncomfortable during this process, we would love to hear from you!
We’re also running our Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan today! This is happening on 28 August 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time).
To come full circle from my sharing of my daughters’ musings at the beginning of this post, this quote made me smile. I hope and pray that my daughters will still have their strong sense of self-acceptance when they are my age!
“A mother who radiates self-acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem”