Jenny Toh 7/2/20 Jenny Toh 7/2/20

What's Your Story?

I hope you enjoyed my blog posts, River Series, last month. I appreciate your feedback and please let me know if you want to read more posts on the River Series. As for the month of July, I’ll be sharing my thoughts on several of the International Coaching Federation’s (ICF) Core Competencies. ICF Core Competencies support coaches in their delivery of their coaching sessions in a professional manner, aimed to bring out the best results for their clients, both personally and professionally. For today’s post, I’ll be writing on some aspects of Core Competency No. 7 Evokes Awareness. According to ICF, this competency seeks to “facilitate client insight and learning by using tools and techniques such as powerful questioning, silence, metaphor or analogy.” The coach will explore with the client his/her ways of thinking, values, needs, wants and beliefs. What patterns influences the client’s thoughts and beliefs? Once these patterns are identified, the coach will work with the client to move him/her forward in their goals and aspirations. The client’s limiting beliefs and fears will be addressed and the coach will invite the client to reframe existing perspectives to create new ways of thinking that are beneficial for him/her.

“When you understand, that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be.”

― Chuck Palahniuk, American author

Let’s imagine your life is a movie and you play the leading role. What type of movie would it be? Would it be a romantic comedy (my favourite genre, by the way!), an action packed adventure, a gripping courtroom drama, a tear jerker or an epic production comprising of a prequel, a trilogy and an epilogue (that’s also another favourite genre of mine - Star Wars and Lord of the Rings come to mind!)?

As the lead in your movie, what are your strengths and virtues? Are you a strong, confident and inspiring lead? Do you often see yourself as the underdog, always fighting to be heard and to prove yourself? Do you find yourself like the accused on the witness stand, trying your best to fend off the prosecutor’s relentless questions? Do you see yourself as the martyr, always suffering for others and not taking enough care of yourself?

The main question for you to answer here is, “Are you happy with your current story?” If not, what would you want your story’s plot to be? Are you able to edit or start afresh?

The answer is yes but we have to first confront our stories. Most of the time, we are unaware that the decisions that we make in our lives are directly impacted by the stories we tell ourselves. It is so ingrained in us that we believe that these stories are true and that there is no other way to look at the situation. If we were told at a very young age that girls are meant to be demure and that we should not speak up unless we are first spoken to, this “truth” will subconsciously stay with us to adulthood. Perhaps, it’s this story that you are holding on to that results in you being awkward in meetings at work. It affects your confidence in showing up, being assertive and pushing yourself to achieve all that you dream of.

What if we changed this story? Girls, like boys, are unique individuals. There are some girls who are quieter than others and that’s fine. However, this does not mean that they do not have anything important to say. There are some girls who know from a very young age what they want in their lives. They are heroines in their own right and do not require anyone to save them. How will these stories influence you in adulthood? Will you be bolder to present yourself courageously at work and in life? Would you enthusiastically step into the shoes of a heroine?

What are the stories that you are telling yourself? Do any of these stories sound familiar to you?

I always have to work harder than everyone else and yet, I see everyone else succeeding with ease and getting ahead of me.
I can never earn enough money. I am always falling behind.
I don’t know what she will see in me. She’s intelligent, capable and beautiful. What can I offer her as her life partner?
They look so happy as a family. I will never have a family like that.
Something awful always happens to be me, no matter what I do.

How can you break free from these limiting stories? The first thing is to be aware that these are just stories, your perceptions of the events and circumstances in your life. They are not reality. Ask yourself these questions to become more aware of your stories.

What are my “shoulds” in life?
E.g. “I should always be nice and give in, even when I don’t like it because it’s the right thing to do.” or “I should just give up as I would never succeed anyway so what’s the point in trying?”
What do you think your stories are protecting you from?
How are my stories helping me in this situation/in my life?
How different would my life be if I changed just a scene or two from my story?
If you can rewrite your story, what would it look like?

Now that you are more aware of your stories, what can you do about them? Are you happy with your current stories? If the answer is yes, that is fantastic news! I hope you can share these questions with your family and friends to help them to become more aware of their stories. If you are not thrilled about your stories and want support to edit, rewrite or even tear up the entire script (!), please reach out to us here today to find out how we can help you write new stories or relive old happy ones!