Trust the Client
As we wrap up this month’s series on the ICF Core Competencies, today’s post will give you an overview of the competencies that ICF credentialed coaches like myself adhere to in all of our coaching sessions and a glimpse of some of the many benefits a client will gain from coaching. The latest ICF Core Competency Model published in October 2019 comprises of the following components:
Demonstrates Ethical Practice: The coach understands and consistently applies coaching ethics and standards of coaching.
Embodies a Coaching Mindset: The coach develops and maintains a mindset that is open, curious, flexible and client-centred.
Establishes and Maintains Agreements: The coach partners with the client and relevant stakeholders to create clear agreements about the coaching relationship, process, plans and goals. The coach also establishes agreements for the overall coaching engagement as well as those for each coaching session.
Cultivates Trust and Safety Definition: The coach partners with the client to create a safe, supportive environment that allows the client to share freely. The coach maintains a relationship of mutual respect and trust.
Maintains Presence: The coach is fully conscious and present with the client, employing a style that is open, flexible, grounded and confident.
Listens Actively: The coach focuses on what the client is and is not saying to fully understand what is being communicated in the context of the client systems and to support client self-expression.
Evokes Awareness: The coach facilitates client insight and learning by using tools and techniques such as powerful questioning, silence, metaphor or analogy.
Facilitates Client Growth: The coach partners with the client to transform learning and insight into action. The coach promotes client autonomy in the coaching process.
These components need not be exhibited in a systematic order during a coaching session although naturally, any ethical concerns as well as the formulation and understanding of the coaching agreement between the coach and the client will occur at the beginning of the session. However, the other components such as being present, active listening, evoking awareness for the client and facilitating the client’s growth embody the whole coaching experience. The coach ensures that an environment which fosters trust, respect and openness is evident throughout the entire session. The coaching session is all about the client. The coach is the client’s partner, who helps and supports the client, within this framework of a coaching session, to seek and discover what he/she is looking for. In a transformational coaching session, the client often gains insight and in-depth understanding of who he/she really is. Most of the time, it is not about the goals. It is about “who” the client is - the client’s identity, core values, strengths, perceptions, stories and limiting beliefs.
We have the ability to set goals, strategize and implement plans to achieve them. Why is it then that we do not reach our goals? What is holding us back? It is our mindset, our limiting beliefs and the stories that we tell ourselves that prevent us from living our lives to its fullest potential.
The coach empowers you to move forward towards your goals and aspirations, to face your fears and to dig deep within for your own wealth of resources, determination and courage. The coach shines the torchlight on the areas in your life that you do not want to address but by doing so, there will be breakthrough freeing you from the stories that keep you from making your dreams a reality.
“A coach is someone who tells you what you don’t want to hear, who has you see what you don’t want to see, so you can be who you have always known you could be.”
Why hire a coach? The infographics below produced by Emma-Louise Elsey, professional life coach and founder of The Coaching Tools Company.com will give you an idea of some of the benefits you will gain from coaching. The common denominator of each coaching session is that at the end of it, you will walk away knowing yourself better with the inspiration and confidence to make a difference in your life and the lives of those around you.
Reprinted with permission from "The Launchpad" newsletter and blog - for people who love coaching. Get more helpful articles for coaches, coaching tips, free resources and more. Visit The Coaching Tools Company https://www.thecoachingtoolscompany.com to learn more.
I received advice from an experienced MCC (Master Certified Coach) in one of the ICF Singapore Chapter’s Communities of Practice meetings several months ago where she shared that in order for a coach to be effective and impactful in a coaching session is to trust the client and trust the process. The ICF Core Competency Model provides the framework for the coaching process. Every coach who adheres to this framework knows that it works. Nothing is more powerful for an individual’s growth and development than when a safe and non-judgmental space is created for one to authentically meet the man or woman in the mirror and to fully understand, cherish and marvel at the uniqueness of this person.
“At the centre of your being you know you have the answer, you know who you are and you know what you want.”
Contact us here to discover the benefits of coaching for yourself today!
Trust the Client…
Trust Yourself!
Shine the Light!
Have you ever set a goal and then failed to see it through to completion? This is a common occurrence for all of us. What are the possible reasons that prevent us from reaching our goals despite the best of intentions?
Lack of clear purpose of setting the goal in the first place
Lack of commitment and accountability
Fear and limiting beliefs
The goal is too vague or too big
The excuses we give ourselves
Failure to set a clear, specific and measurable plan to achieve the goal
Photo by Jason Strull on Unsplash
How can a coach support you to achieve your goals? These attributes in Competency No. 8 Facilitates Client Growth of the ICF Core Competencies shine the light on how a coach can do so:
The coach acknowledges and supports client autonomy in the design of goals, actions and methods of accountability.
The coach supports the client in identifying potential results or learning from identified action steps.
The coach invites the client to consider how to move forward, including resources, support and potential barriers.
The design of the goals and the steps to take towards these goals originate from the client. The coach helps the client see the goal clearly and addresses any limiting beliefs and fears holding him/her back from progressing in these goals. The coach partners with the client to plan and strategize his/her own accountability and support structures to stay focused and on track.
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams; live the life you imagined.”
What Makes a Goal a Reality?
Your goal must be believable to you. Do you believe that you can achieve your goal? If you do not have this belief, your goal is doomed to failure from the start.
You are clear on the purpose of your goal. Ask yourself, “Why do I want this goal?” Is it for you alone? Does the goal serve a wider purpose for the wellbeing of your family, friends and community? Are you pursuing this goal because it is what your parents want you to do? Be crystal clear on why you want this goal.
It is specific and measurable. You would have heard of the acronym SMART goals - goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time bound (has a deadline).
It is communicated to others. By sharing your goals with trusted individuals, you have the opportunity to clarify your goals and to seek support from these individuals.
You accept that there are internal and external roadblocks. It is a natural part of your growth and learning journey. These obstacles are not to be feared or avoided. You have the inner wisdom, resolve and resources to deal with them positively.
Once you understand your WHY - your reason for wanting to achieve these goals - you're 90% there! Do also consider if your goals are aligned with your core values. The more a goal aligns with your core values, the easier it will be for you to plan and work towards achieving it. This is not to say that we will not be able to achieve goals that are not aligned with our values but it is definitely harder to do and less satisfying. State your goals in the positive, e.g. “I want to be healthy at my ideal weight of 65kgs by 31 Dec 2020” rather than “I want to lose 10kgs by 31 December 2020”.
The following are some questions which you can ponder on to be clearer on your goals and to plan strategies towards achieving them:
Desired Outcome
What is it that you really, REALLY want?
What is the SPECIFIC outcome you're looking for?
What is the PAIN for you of NOT achieving your goal?
Alignment with your Values
Are the goals something YOU truly want, or are they something you think you SHOULD have or SHOULD be doing?
When you think about your goal, does it give you a sense of deep contentment, happiness and excitement?
If you could have the goal RIGHT NOW – would you take it? If not, why not?
How does this goal fit into your life?
Identifying Obstacles
What might you have to give up/stop doing to achieve this goal? Are you willing to do it?
If there was something important around achieving this goal, either to help you succeed or that could get in the way that you haven't mentioned yet, what would it be?
WHO will you have to BE to achieve this goal?
Resources
What resources (e.g. things, support from people, contacts, personal strengths, knowledge, skills, time, money) do you already have to help you achieve your goal?
What resources do you need to help you achieve your goal?
What will be your first small step towards getting the resources you need?
Photo by Samuel Clara on Unsplash
Remember your reason for wanting to pursue these goals. It is important to be kind and gentle with yourself. If you do not succeed at first, do not give up. Every setback in life provides an opportunity for growth as a person. By setting purposeful goals, you will be inspired to live life fully and intentionally.
Contact us today! We would love to partner with you in your journey towards achieving your goals in life!
“The major reason for setting a goal is for what it makes of you to accomplish it. What it makes of you will always be the far greater value than what you get.”
Hello??!
“People don’t listen to understand. They listen to reply. The collective monologue is everyone talking and no one listening.”
Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash
One of the ICF Core Competencies that the coach really has to master in order to effectively support the client is Competency No. 6 Listens Actively. You would have thought that talking/speaking is the skill that requires active participation on our part. On the contrary, to actively listen takes a lot more effort than speaking. This competency is defined as the ability of the coach to focus on what the client is and is not saying to fully understand what is being communicated in the context of the client systems and to support client self-expression. The coach will have to relinquish all sense of judgment and preconceived ideas of what the client is bringing into the coaching session. A coaching session is never about the coach. The coaching session is purely for the client to fully express himself/herself in a safe and non-judgmental space.
Too often in the busyness and hectic pace of our lives, we do not slow down to listen to the people we communicate with. How many times have we listened only to respond? How many times have we not even heard a word that was said because our minds were too preoccupied with our own thoughts and concerns? You have experienced this at the family dining table, in team meetings, in training sessions and even in one-to-one conversations. You would justify to yourself saying that you do not have the time to just be there to listen to what the other person has to say. Your time is better spent managing the many tasks that are demanding your attention for the day. Life is too short to just sit down and be present to the person at the other end of the table. Is that so?
How did you feel when you were not listened to?
These feelings and thoughts may come up for you:
Misunderstood
Lack of importance
Sad
Not respected
Unsupported
Nobody cares
Unappreciated
Insignificant
Unworthy
Invisible
Contrast these feelings to the feelings you felt when you were truly listened to, where the other person gave you his/her full attention and was fully present. You probably felt some, if not all, of these feelings:
Acknowledged
Understood
Valued
Encouraged
Hopeful
Special
Important
Supported
Relieved
Connected
Stephen Covey in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, described communication as the most important skill in life. Habit 5 is Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood.
Stephen Covey explained that typically, we listen with our own lenses of experience and judgement and form our responses accordingly. He called this type of listening “autobiographical listening”.
Which of these types of autobiographical listening can you identify with?
Evaluating: You judge and then either agree or disagree.
Probing: You ask questions from your own frame of reference.
Advising: You give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
Interpreting: You analyse others' motives and behaviours based on your own experiences.
In order to practise Habit 5, you will have to learn how to listen empathetically. Stephen Covey defined empathetic listening as listening with the intent to understand, to really understand. In order to really understand, you will need to get inside another person’s frame of reference. You need to see the world the way they see it, through their lenses. In other words, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see the world as they see it.
In order to listen actively and empathetically, one has to:
Listen with a clean slate without interference from one’s thoughts and judgments.
Listen without the intention to respond.
Listen from a place of curiosity.
Listen with your ears to the exact words and not to interpret but to seek clarification.
Listen with your eyes to see if the non-verbal language is congruent with the words used.
Listen with your heart and feel the emotions.
I was taught this simple acronym to remind myself as a coach to resist the urge to interrupt the client before he/she has finished speaking.
W.A.I.T - “Why Am I Talking"?”
The coach will only interrupt the client if there is a clear coaching intention to it such as to clarify the session goal if what is shared clearly deviates from it. The coaching session, as a whole, allows the client to have the space to express his/her thoughts aloud. This is powerful because we seldom have the opportunity to think aloud without concerns of being laughed, ridiculed or misunderstood. In this safe space, the client will be empowered and inspired to come up with ideas and strategies to move forward in their personal and professional goals.
Have you experienced being listened to in this manner? Do you want to have an opportunity to move forward towards your goals with the support of a coach? Contact me here to start this amazing journey!
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”
Who's looking over your shoulder?
Photo by Tetiana SHYSHKINA on Unsplash
Competency No. 8 in the ICF Core Competencies is Facilitates Client Growth. This competency is exhibited when the coach partners with the client to transform learning and insight into action while promoting client autonomy in the coaching process at all times. The coach supports the client to design goals, actions and accountability measures that integrate and expand new learning. These design of goals, actions and methods of accountability must be formulated by the client taking into account his/her unique way of thinking and learning.
What image pops up in your mind when you think of the word “accountability”? Is that one of a boss looking over your shoulder to see to it that you are doing your work properly? When you were younger, you were accountable to your parents, teachers and other figures of authorities such as your football coach, the head prefect and your cell group leader. When you’re older, you’re accountable to your spouse, your other family members who rely on you, your superiors at work, your friends, your community, the government and whomever else you have given your word to do something for. However, have you ever considered being accountable to yourself?
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines accountability as an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions. Let’s say that you have been tasked to finish a work project on time. You’re accountable to your manager, your teammates and your company to complete this project successfully on time. However, if you take away all these external accountability factors and if you know that no adverse consequences will befall you if you do not finish on time, will you still be accountable simply because you gave your word to yourself that you will finish this project on time?
What keeps you accountable for your actions?
“If I could give one tip for people – it’s not an exercise or nutrition regimen. It’s to walk your talk and believe in yourself, because at the end of the day, the dumbbell and diet don’t get you in shape. It’s your accountability to your word.”
Are you accountable to your promises to yourself? How do you feel when you attempt to answer this question? Is it easy to say yes or are you struggling to answer? You owe it to your own well-being to be accountable to your word. How do you feel when a family member or friend lets you down by forgetting to turn up for a dinner engagement or by breaking their promises to you? When you break your own promises to yourself, self-doubt creeps in and your confidence in your virtues and abilities is shaken. Being accountable to yourself is to own up for your life and not blame anyone else for the circumstances you are in. Being accountable actually gives you the power of resolve and determination to see through your plans and goals.
What can you do to start building up your internal accountability muscles?
You can start with a small goal and use this simple method called the “WOOP Method” developed by Noel Lyons (Noel Lyons MSc –http://www.WellCoach.co.uk) of an exercise described by Gabriele Oettingen.
“WOOP” is an acronym for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle and Plan. Firstly, identify your desired goal or wish (W). In the second step, visualise the desired result or outcome of your goal as though it has crystalized (O). Next, identify the potential factors that may stand in the way of your achievement of this goal or wish (O). Finally (P), create a plan is to overcome potential obstacles to realize your goal.
By using the WOOP Method, you will be formulating your goal clearly in your mind. When you describe your goal or wish, you will discover your true reason for wanting to achieve this goal. By understanding the reason for wanting this goal, it will be easier for you to keep to your word and be accountable to yourself.
WISH (W)
Identify one crucial goal or wish.
Name or summarise it in 3 to 6 words.
What is the meaning of this goal or wish for you?
OUTCOME (O)
Envision the positive result you wish to create.
Name the #1 benefit your goal or wish will produce for you.
Identify the best outcome in 3 to 6 words and write it down.
OBSTACLE (O)
What blocks your path?
What obstacle within you stands in your way?
What personal behaviours are working against you? Name your main obstacle and write it down.
PLAN (P)
Write down ONE specific action you can take to overcome or get around your obstacle, to reach your goal (the #1 most effective thing you could do).
Write down the time and place where you believe the obstacle (your personal behaviour or beliefs) will arise.
Then write down your if-then plan: ‘If (obstacle) X occurs (when and where), then I will perform (effective action) Y (to overcome obstacle)’.
The key is to start with short term simpler goals and to practise daily. Once you are familiar with the WOOP Method and can use it confidently and with ease, try practising it in various areas in your life.
I would love to hear your experiences and results from practising the WOOP Method. Have fun with it!
“I measure my success based on how much fun I’m having.”
What's Your Story?
I hope you enjoyed my blog posts, River Series, last month. I appreciate your feedback and please let me know if you want to read more posts on the River Series. As for the month of July, I’ll be sharing my thoughts on several of the International Coaching Federation’s (ICF) Core Competencies. ICF Core Competencies support coaches in their delivery of their coaching sessions in a professional manner, aimed to bring out the best results for their clients, both personally and professionally. For today’s post, I’ll be writing on some aspects of Core Competency No. 7 Evokes Awareness. According to ICF, this competency seeks to “facilitate client insight and learning by using tools and techniques such as powerful questioning, silence, metaphor or analogy.” The coach will explore with the client his/her ways of thinking, values, needs, wants and beliefs. What patterns influences the client’s thoughts and beliefs? Once these patterns are identified, the coach will work with the client to move him/her forward in their goals and aspirations. The client’s limiting beliefs and fears will be addressed and the coach will invite the client to reframe existing perspectives to create new ways of thinking that are beneficial for him/her.
“When you understand, that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, American author
Let’s imagine your life is a movie and you play the leading role. What type of movie would it be? Would it be a romantic comedy (my favourite genre, by the way!), an action packed adventure, a gripping courtroom drama, a tear jerker or an epic production comprising of a prequel, a trilogy and an epilogue (that’s also another favourite genre of mine - Star Wars and Lord of the Rings come to mind!)?
As the lead in your movie, what are your strengths and virtues? Are you a strong, confident and inspiring lead? Do you often see yourself as the underdog, always fighting to be heard and to prove yourself? Do you find yourself like the accused on the witness stand, trying your best to fend off the prosecutor’s relentless questions? Do you see yourself as the martyr, always suffering for others and not taking enough care of yourself?
The main question for you to answer here is, “Are you happy with your current story?” If not, what would you want your story’s plot to be? Are you able to edit or start afresh?
Photo by Denise Jans on Unsplash
The answer is yes but we have to first confront our stories. Most of the time, we are unaware that the decisions that we make in our lives are directly impacted by the stories we tell ourselves. It is so ingrained in us that we believe that these stories are true and that there is no other way to look at the situation. If we were told at a very young age that girls are meant to be demure and that we should not speak up unless we are first spoken to, this “truth” will subconsciously stay with us to adulthood. Perhaps, it’s this story that you are holding on to that results in you being awkward in meetings at work. It affects your confidence in showing up, being assertive and pushing yourself to achieve all that you dream of.
What if we changed this story? Girls, like boys, are unique individuals. There are some girls who are quieter than others and that’s fine. However, this does not mean that they do not have anything important to say. There are some girls who know from a very young age what they want in their lives. They are heroines in their own right and do not require anyone to save them. How will these stories influence you in adulthood? Will you be bolder to present yourself courageously at work and in life? Would you enthusiastically step into the shoes of a heroine?
What are the stories that you are telling yourself? Do any of these stories sound familiar to you?
I always have to work harder than everyone else and yet, I see everyone else succeeding with ease and getting ahead of me.
I can never earn enough money. I am always falling behind.
I don’t know what she will see in me. She’s intelligent, capable and beautiful. What can I offer her as her life partner?
They look so happy as a family. I will never have a family like that.
Something awful always happens to be me, no matter what I do.
How can you break free from these limiting stories? The first thing is to be aware that these are just stories, your perceptions of the events and circumstances in your life. They are not reality. Ask yourself these questions to become more aware of your stories.
What are my “shoulds” in life?
E.g. “I should always be nice and give in, even when I don’t like it because it’s the right thing to do.” or “I should just give up as I would never succeed anyway so what’s the point in trying?”
What do you think your stories are protecting you from?
How are my stories helping me in this situation/in my life?
How different would my life be if I changed just a scene or two from my story?
If you can rewrite your story, what would it look like?
Now that you are more aware of your stories, what can you do about them? Are you happy with your current stories? If the answer is yes, that is fantastic news! I hope you can share these questions with your family and friends to help them to become more aware of their stories. If you are not thrilled about your stories and want support to edit, rewrite or even tear up the entire script (!), please reach out to us here today to find out how we can help you write new stories or relive old happy ones!