Feeling Stuck? Change Your Focus
“Outstanding people have one thing in common: an absolute sense of mission.”
- Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker
I noticed that when I am attempting something new, especially in my coaching business, I often hesitate. I’m the type of person who wants to know exactly what’s in store for me - the outcome of my efforts before I take the plunge. Of course, I know that’s not possible and yet, I hesitate. At times, my hesitation ends up being a block to me and I am stuck with all these thoughts of uncertainties in my head. I don’t move forward.
Have you experienced this before? We work, we struggle, we try to do everything we possibly can to move forward in our plans but it seems like the harder we work, the more stuck we get.
What can you do to get unstuck?
What has worked for me is to switch my focus from the person in the mirror to the person I want to connect/encourage or impact. I realised when I am working on something new or doing a difficult task in my business, if I keep my focus on what I want out of it, I seemed to find more faults. I am critical. I am easily discouraged. However, when I think about how my work will benefit my clients, I feel energised and excited to see it through, despite the uncertainties.
I am not disputing the fact that it is important to take care of our interests. We need to set goals, lay out plans and then do those things we need to do so that we can make some progress toward our goals. For example, we need to demonstrate personal financial responsibility and plan for our children’s education and our retirement as well as cater for those rainy days.
However, what frequently happens is that we become so over-focused on ourselves and our own personal well-being that we wind up building huge walls to protect ourselves and our interests. We lose the ability – or even desire – to see the bigger picture and the possibilities that life presents to us. We become so focused on “me” that we sometimes begin scrutinizing even the most insignificant events to determine their potential impact on our personal lives. We become victims to ourselves. We often become so busy being busy that we lose track of where we thought we wanted our lives to wind up in the first place.
One possible solution as I mentioned earlier is to change our focus from “me” to “others”. From being the receiver to being the giver. And no, I’m not implying that this shift in perspective requires major changes in the things we do every day. It may eventually lead to that but it’s not a critical part of the initial process.
No matter what you do to earn a living or keep the household moving in a logical direction, somewhere down the line, a person will benefit from what you do. Think about it. The work we do is not just to stuff computer systems full of information or help machines work better. It’s not just to bring home our salary at the end of the month. It’s not just filling out forms, nailing pieces of boards together, assembling electronic devices, hauling packages, going to meetings and the list goes on. Somewhere, sometime, perhaps sooner than you realise, another human being will likely be positively affected by what you do.
Take a few minutes to really think about the people – the individuals who will be better off, healthier or happier because of what you do. Think about how you are giving of your time and talents so that others will benefit in some way from your efforts.
When we change our focus from “me” to “others”, our work – the things we do every day – starts taking on a new significance. We are now a giver. Our life starts becoming more meaningful. We start to realise that what we do is important to someone else, that we are making a difference for that person.
“If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.”
- Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop
Are you up to give this experiment a go? The next time you’re stuck or feeling a block in a particular task, plan or goal, instead of focusing on what you want to get out of it, think about how it will create a positive impact for a particular person. See if that ignites your creative and problem-solving sparks!
If this little experiment does not bear any positive results for you and you are still feeling stuck, please reach out to me by contacting me here to explore how I can support you.
"Each person holds so much power within themselves that needs to be let out. Sometimes they just need a little nudge, a little direction, a little support, a little coaching, and the greatest things can happen."
- Pete Carroll, American football coach
The Energy of Words
“Remember your words can plant gardens or burn whole forests down.”
Photo by Carlita Benazito on Unsplash
We have experienced the power of words. How we have been inspired by them when we listen to charismatic speakers. Songs and poems touch our hearts and ignite our souls. Books transport us into magical, imaginary worlds. Words exchanged in a heated argument stay with us long after the matter is resolved. Sadly, condemning words said to us during our childhood left scars which never fully healed.
Words also have energy to them. My youngest daughter may say “I hate you” to me in a mischievous voice. When I hear her words, I don’t feel the energy of hate. Rather, I hear love and fun due to the tone of her voice. However, when my son says, “It’s up to you. I’m fine with your decision,” in a monotonous tone, I know that he’s not fine. The energy of his words was not congruent with the actual words said.
Say the following words aloud and slowly. See what feelings come up for you when you hear yourself saying these words:
No
Yes
But
And
Can’t
Can
Have to
Get to
Frustrated
Curious
Criticism
Empathy
Suspicious
Hopeful
Pessimistic
Optimistic
Upset
Peaceful
Disappointed
Grateful
What was your energy like when you said positive words such as empathy, hopeful and peaceful? Chances are you also felt the way the words meant when you said them. Saying “no”, “but”, “can’t” and “have to” gives a sense of heaviness and impossibility whereas words like “yes”, “and”, “can” and “get to” revives you and renews your energy to move forward.
“Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”
- Nathaniel Hawthorne, American novelist
What do you think of these two sentences? Do they mean the same thing?
I have to be good at this job.
I want to be good at this job.
The first sentence sends a sense of desperation in that it implies that something is at stake if I end up not doing a good job. When I say it aloud, I feel a sense of reluctance, almost being forced to do a good job. It’s as though it’s not something I want to do.
The second sentence, however, provides motivation and hope. I want to be good at this job. Yes, something may still be at stake if I don’t do a good job but it doesn’t bring about that sense of desperation. It’s something I want to do. It motivates me to find ways to be good at the job. It may even inspire me to look at the job in a new way, just to improve how I do it now.
Let’s explore the energy that each of these sentences.
I have to do the laundry.
I want to do the laundry.
I have to pass my Bar exams.
I want to pass my Bar exams.
I have to do this presentation tomorrow morning.
I want to do this presentation tomorrow morning.
I have to discuss the poor performance of my subordinate.
I want to discuss the poor performance of my subordinate.
I have to speak to my husband about my worries.
I want to speak to my husband about my worries.
I have to tell my son that his actions were disrespectful.
I want to tell my son that his actions were disrespectful.
I have to show everyone that I am talented.
I want to show everyone that I am talented.
I have to stay strong.
I want to stay strong.
As you reflect on them, do you see which ones you have a tendency of using more often?
Do you say “I have to” a lot more than “I want to”?
How does that make you feel?
Do you feel that most of the time, you have to do what you’re doing now not because you want to but because it’s something that needs to be done and no one else wants to do it?
Yes, I definitely feel that way when it comes to doing the laundry. However, even as I typed the words, “I want to do the laundry”, a small shift happened in me. I still don’t enjoy doing the laundry but the fact that thinking and saying that I want to do it makes that task a little more attractive than before.
Saying “I have to” gives me the feeling that there is an external pressure on me to get those things done. It is not my choice to do so. Saying “I want to” shifts that view. I want to do it. I choose to do it. It empowers and motivates me. Okay, the laundry part may need a lot more convincing that it is something I want to do but I hope you get my drift.
What do you think will happen if you change your “I have to”s to “I want to”s?
The tasks have to be done. Do you want to them willingly or reluctantly?
There will not be any overnight miracles in that you immediately shift from the heaviness of the tasks at hand but you may start to realise that the tasks seem more manageable and perhaps with time, you may even start to enjoy them or find new ways to approach them.
Even if they are tasks that you don’t want to do but have to do, saying “I want to” gives you a sense of control in terms of your mindset towards them. Hopefully, with a more empowered mindset, you will be more at peace with those difficult situations and conversations that you have to carry out.
What do you want to do today?
Schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me here.
Let me support you as your coach today.
“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it.
If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.
If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”
- Nora Roberts, American author
Treasures of the Heart
The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be and end up being.
Matthew 6:21, The Message
I like the lesson from this Bible verse as it reminds me that whatever I focus my attention and desires on, that’s where I’ll eventually end up. For believers of the Christian faith, this verse teaches us to focus on our heavenly treasures and not on worldly treasures. It serves as a reminder for us not to fall away from our faith and to keep our eyes focused on God. Your heart’s desire is like a homing device. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we will gravitate towards what we have placed in our hearts. This applies to everyone, irrespective of beliefs.
I had an interesting conversation with my friend and peer coach, Annick about how our interest on a particular topic is magnified when we have a relationship or connection with that topic. We met virtually through a coaching program we were both enrolled in back in July 2020. She lives in New York and I live in Singapore. We have been meeting virtually on a weekly basis together with several other peer coaches for support and encouragement in our respective coaching journeys. She said that ever since she met me and Preeti, an executive coach who also lives in Singapore, she has developed a keen eye to look out for news relating to events in Singapore. Her husband and friends are pleasantly surprised by how knowledgeable she is of happenings in a country thousands of miles away from where she lives.
(By the way, check out Annick’s Facebook private group, Access Your Power Daily where she shares her wisdom and insights to help you create the change you desire in your lives! I’m an avid follower of hers!)
As we are already halfway into January 2021, what is catching your attention? What are you having a strong connection to? What is your heart telling you? Are you hopeful that your plans will fall into place? Do you focus on achieving your goals or is your mind clouded by the obstacles that lie ahead? How do you move forward with clarity and purpose even when there are naysayers in your life?
Photo by Scandinavian Backlash on Unsplash
Know your mission
What comes to mind when you think of a mission? You may relate to war movies where the troop is tasked with a mission to invade enemy territory and weaken their stronghold. The soldiers were able to stay focused and move ahead through danger and uncertainty because they were certain of their mission objectives. They focused on the end result - to win the war.
It can also mean a calling. It’s what you believe you are meant to do in your life. If you are a teacher or an educator, you may believe that your calling is to empower your students to reach their highest potential. If you are a parent, you may consider your calling is to instil the right values in your children and nurture them with love. You are passionate about your calling. You feel energised and inspired when you live out your calling. Do you know what your calling is?
Know your strategy
If you know your mission but you are not living it out now, do you have a strategy that will help you get there? What is your heart telling you to do? You may regard yourself as a level headed, rational person and “heart matters” are for those who are easily swayed by their emotions. That’s not true. Each of us have a calling. When we are not living out our calling, we feel restless. We feel that something is missing in our lives. We may suppress it, telling ourselves it’s silly to live out our dreams. It’s too late. We have responsibilities and obligations. But hold on…let’s play with this thought. What if it is not too late to pursue your dreams? What if who you are meant to be is just around the corner and all you needed to do is take that first step of faith?
As with any military mission, there is a plan, a tactical strategy to leverage on the troop’s strengths and advantages of the circumstances. When it comes to living out your calling, how well do you know yourself? What are your strengths? What can you do to harness your strengths and leverage on them to achieve your goals? Can you identify the voices in your mind that are holding you back? We all have them - the judge in us who tells us that we are not good enough, that it’s ridiculous to pursue your dreams, that you will end up losing too much - don’t rock the boat. These voices are so loud at times that you believe that they are telling the truth. The reality is that the true voice, your true self, comes from a place of empathy and wise and calm discernment without harsh judgment. It ignites your spirit of curiosity, innovation and propels you into purposeful action.
I recommend these two free assessments to help you get started to discover your core values and signature strengths as well as identify your saboteurs, those voices in your head which you think are helping you and keeping you safe but in reality, they are making life so much more difficult and challenging for you.
The VIA (Values in Action) Character Strengths Survey at https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/account/register
The Positive Intelligence Saboteurs Assessment at https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments/
Once you know who you truly are with your unique values and strengths as well as knowing your saboteurs, you will be able to plan and strategize a clear course towards your calling.
Know your troop
Now that you have a clear mission and know your strategy to complete the mission, do you know your troop? Who can support you and cheer you on when you face challenges and adversity? Who has gone ahead of you and will be able to advise and mentor you? Do you have an accountability partner? Do you have people in your life who share your passion and calling? Look out for people who can bring out the best in you and keep them close. You will be inspired and encouraged to stay on track.
Consider having a coach as a member of your troop. A coach will support you through your self-discovery journey with empathy and objectivity, always fostering a non-judgmental environment for learning, growth and forward action. Read my Testimonials page to find out how my coaching have benefited many!
Hop on over to my Appointments page to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call to learn how we can work together. Let’s get started on your mission!
P.S. My complimentary 30-minutes coaching session which is my Christmas gift to each of you is still available until 30 January 2021.
“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”
Grand Opening!
River Life Coaching is now open for business!
I’m so excited to let all of you know that River Life Coaching is now open for business. This business idea of providing life coaching services to individuals who are seeking to find answers to align their lives with their values and to live purposeful lives first came to me when I was going through a crossroad in my life.
Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash
Taking a risk!
I reached a point in my legal career where things were easy for me. Yes, there were stressful times as part of the job but there was never anything that I could not handle. You could say it was smooth sailing for me and perhaps, even complacency and boredom. I started asking myself, “Is there more to my life than this? What is my purpose? How do I live my life impactfully?”
I started thinking about my own strengths as a person. I’ve always been a good listener. My family members and friends have often come to me for my listening ear, support and encouragement. They knew that I would give them my honest opinion without any judgment. They felt safe with me. I always felt happy and fulfilled when I helped them see things from a different perspective or discover their own solutions to their challenges.
It was definitely not an easy choice to make, taking this leap of faith to train as a professional coach and to start this business. There were fears, worries and anxiety resulting from stepping out of my comfort zone. So, how did I stay the course?
FOCUS!
Photo by Paul Skorupskas on Unsplash
I told myself to stay focused on my goal to start and build this coaching business. I also explored the “why” of my desire to start this business. It all stems from my desire to be a guiding light to those who seek fulfilment and purpose in their lives. This conviction is from my own personal walk of faith with God. I realised that by serving others in this regard, this is what makes my own life purposeful and impactful.
I would love to help you find your focus and your vision for your impactful life!
Special invitation…
For those who sign up for my newsletter in the month of April, you will receive a special 20% discount if you sign up and pay for any of my coaching programs this month. If you recommend my coaching programs to anyone else, you will receive a further 10% discount provided that he/she also signs up for any of my programs within this month. This special invitation will expire on 30 April 2020. Sign up now!