Let It Go
“Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise so I am changing myself.”
My elder daughter asked me a question earlier this week. “Mummy, do you know why you should never let Elsa hold your balloon?” It wasn’t a difficult question for me to answer given that the girls in this family are big fans of the Disney cartoon, Frozen. My answer to her was, “Yes, because she will always let it go!”
Jokes aside (and I thought it was a good one that she came up with), I find it difficult to let go of certain things - be it physical things or mental notes and emotions. We all have this tendency to hold on to things, for one reason or another. It could be for sentimental reasons, for the fear of losing something valuable that we cannot recover at a later time, for security reasons and many more. The truth is that we can easily come up with a reason to justify us holding on to something. So, why should we let go and when will we know it’s time to let go?
“You can only lose what you cling to.”
- Buddha
I came across this saying by Buddha in a social media post. It made me reflect on the aspects of letting go from a parent’s perspective. I am learning to let go for the sake of my children’s growth. My elder daughter is now in a new school and is adjusting to the school’s new schedule. She has a lot more on her plate this year. I stop myself from helping her manage her schedule and planning for the day ahead. It’s not easy for me as the protective side of me wants to ensure that she has everything in order and is well prepared. However, if I step in and help her organise, how will she be independent and learn the importance of being responsible for herself?
As for my son, he opened his first bank account two days ago. All along, we have a joint bank account where I manage his savings and earnings from his part time job last year. He wanted his own account to manage his funds independently. It gives him a sense of ownership and freedom as he will not need my permission to spend his money. I held off helping him open his bank account for some time as part of me feels that he is not ready to be that independent. Who am I kidding? Even if he is not ready, he will have to learn the nuances of handling money. The longer I put it off, the longer I am keeping him from learning these important lessons in life.
So, taking the analogy from my experiences as a parent, a sure sign that you need to let go is when by holding on to a particular way of thinking, behaving or acting is not encouraging the other person to grow. By holding on, you are actually making the person more dependent on you and there is no compulsion or incentive for that person to cut loose from you. That’s when you know you need to let go and extend trust to the other person. This could be in the form of a parent-child relationship, a manager-employee relationship or any relationships where one person is more dependent on the other. It would not be easy but when you see the person grow, you will know you did the right thing for that person.
“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”
- Raymond Lindquist
Another indication that you might need to explore letting go of a particular situation be it career options or life circumstances is when you feel that you are in your comfort zone for too long. There is a difference between being good at what you do and finding ease and fulfilment in it and stagnating in your comfort zone because it is safe and you are fearful of the unknown. If you are feeling the latter, then it’s time to figure out what is it that you really want out of your career and/or life. As I reflected on my legal career, it was challenging when I first started out as a trial attorney and I enjoyed it. However, as the years passed, there came a point where I found legal work easier and “safe” but it wasn’t fulfilling anymore. I felt that there was something missing in my life. That’s when I started exploring what my higher purpose in life is and fell in love with coaching.
Is there a situation in your life where you would like to improve? However, you are not doing it because it is easier, safer and comfortable just to remain as you are. Ask yourself, “If this is all there is to my life, am I fulfilled?”
Your honest answer will give you insight on what you need to let go of and start exploring new opportunities or shifts in your thinking and beliefs.
Coincidentally, I wrote an earlier blog post titled Letting Go in October 2021 on the mindsets you might want to let go of in order to fully embrace your highest potential in life - https://www.riverlifecoaching.com/blog/lettinggo - go check it out!
Another area of our lives to consider the need to let go is in our way of handling expectations. It’s not wrong to have expectations of yourself and others because that is how we keep ourselves and others accountable and achieve high standards of excellence in all that we do. The issue arises when we have unrealistic expectations of others. For example, first time managers who are strong individual contributors have a tendency to gauge the performance of their direct reports through the lenses of themselves, meaning that they benchmark the performance of their direct reports against how they would have done the tasks themselves. The “letting go” part here is when there is a shift in mindset in recognising that their direct reports are at different stages of their experience and technical know-how as compared to their own level of expertise. When managers start to let go and empower their people to take ownership of their tasks and responsibilities with clear and agreed mutual expectations, this will enable their people to grow and mature in their roles and the managers to take on more strategic challenges required at their level.
On a more personal level, letting go also means accepting that the other person’s way of thinking and beliefs are not the same as yours and your responsibility is not to change their thinking to be the same as yours but to understand them and to see how you can work and live with them collaboratively. For example, my thinking around spending is very different from my husband’s. He was brought up by frugal parents whereas I tend to have a more relaxed approach about spending. I recalled in our earlier years of marriage, we had arguments about what we should spend our money on and the reasons for doing so. Over the years, I’ve learnt to accept that his outlook on money is embedded in his internal rule system and the more that I try to change that system, the stronger the resistance I face. By letting go and accepting that this is who he is, I have learnt to understand his way of thinking and through open and honest communication, we have both worked to agree on ways to handle money that sit well with both our belief systems. It’s not easy but it’s definitely better than forcing each other to change when we are not willing to yet.
When you think of your work and personal relationships, what areas do you face heaviness and frustration? Identify those areas and ask yourself, “Would letting go of the way I am viewing these areas help in fostering a better relationship with this person?” It starts with deep understanding of why we think and behave the way we do and then getting curious about why the other person thinks or behave the way they do.
If you require support from a coach in any of these areas of letting go - for the sake of growth, to find your highest potential in life and to have better relationships, I’m happy to have a complimentary 30-minutes call with you to explore how we can work together. Just click here.
“The greatest step towards a life of simplicity is to learn to let go.”
– Steve Maraboli
Check Your Vision
“Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.”
This is the season for resolutions, goals setting, resetting our focus and planning for the rest of the year. I may be but a little late in writing this blog post but better late than never. How has the month of January been for you? Did it start off on a positive note with you being full of energy, hope and optimism? Or has it been a challenging start given the issues you were facing last year have also followed you into the new year? On the personal front, it has been a bit of both for me. I am definitely seeing growth in my coaching business and my legal consulting work is also steady at the moment. Health wise, I could be doing better and my elbow injury still acts up every now and again if I am not careful with it. It’s also been a challenging time for my teenage son with his college applications and a rushed hospital visit to have a procedure done on his feet to cure an infection. January has been extremely busy for me on all fronts. I know that I cannot keep up this pace for the entire year!
The busyness served as a good reminder to me to find time to settle down and rethink my vision for this year. What do I want to see happen by the end of this year? What would make the year fulfilling and successful for me when I arrive at 31 December 2022?
What about you?
Are you also being pushed along by the obligations and pressures of life? Are you allowing other less important things to get in the way of accomplishing what you really want? Perhaps, it’s time to do a VISION check. Just as it is important to get our eyes checked regularly to ensure that we will be able to see clearly, it is equally important to do a VISION check to be certain that we are living our lives aligned with our purpose and goals.
VIVID PICTURE
Have you created a vivid picture in your imagination as to what your completed goal will look, feel, and sound? Have you added sensory details, paying particular attention to what emotions you will experience when you have achieved your goal? Many people omit this step or they make a half-hearted attempt at it. As a result, their goal is not real to them. We get easily distracted by day-to-day events. This step to have a vivid picture of your goal takes time and thought which is why many people don’t do it. However, if you don’t have a clear picture in your mind as to what you are trying to accomplish, how will you ever attain it? Developing a clear, vivid picture is critical if you want to achieve your goal.
INSPIRATION
Do you feel inspired by your goal? Does thinking about it make you smile? If not, then go back to your vivid picture and change it until you are excited about it. Goals take effort. They often require that we change and do things that may be a stretch for us. If the goal isn’t something you really want in the first place, then why bother trying to achieve it? Connect with why you were inspired to set this goal in the first place.
When you come up with a goal, don’t limit yourself by what you think you can accomplish. Decide what you truly want. Many people have achieved enormous successes in their lives because they had big goals. When you are inspired enough by your dream, you will find a way to make it a reality.
SUSTAINED BELIEF
Do you have a sustained belief you will achieve your goal? If you don’t expect to accomplish your goal, then you probably won’t. Sometimes it takes extraordinary courage to believe, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that we will be successful. Things go wrong. Problems come up. It is easy to get discouraged. That is the time when you most need to have sustained belief. You can get through the difficult times if you believe you can. People rise to the level of their own beliefs. When you believe you will be successful, then you will eventually achieve what you set out to do.
IDENTIFY
Do you identify with your goal now even though you have not yet achieved it? We must begin to identify with the person we want to become. Once or twice each day, play the picture of your completed goal in your mind. Live your goal in your imagination and experience all of the wonderful emotions that go with it. As you continue to do this, you will find that your thoughts and behaviours become more aligned with the person you will be when you achieve your goal.
OBSERVANT
Are you observant as to what actions that are taking you closer to your goal and those that are moving you further away? When we create an action plan for our goal, some of the ideas included in it will work and others won’t. After you take a specific action, observe the result. If it is positive, then continue to do it. If you don’t get the result you expected then modify it and try again. By being observant about what is working and what isn’t, you can adjust your strategy as needed so that you will continue to move closer to your goal.
NEVER GIVE UP!
Have you adopted a “never give up” attitude? Have you made a decision that you will not quit no matter how long it takes to achieve your goal? If you don’t have this attitude, you might find that obstacles overwhelm you. They might be too difficult to overcome and there is a strong likelihood that you will quit before achieving what you want. However, when you adopt a “never give up” attitude, there is a conviction within you that will carry you through until you reach your goal.
“Goals. There's no telling what you can do when you get inspired by them. There's no telling what you can do when you believe in them. And there's no telling what will happen when you act upon them.”
-Jim Rohn, American entrepreneur
If you are interested in exploring the VISION of your goals and would like support from me as your coach, I would love to speak to you in a 30-minutes discovery call to see how we can work together.
Growth Spurt
“Whatever makes you uncomfortable is your biggest opportunity for growth.”
For those of you who have been seeing my posts on social media, you will know that I have been appearing as a podcast guest on several podcasts. It’s a great way for me to share my message as an introvert. I just need to do the recordings with the podcast hosts and most times, it’s like a casual one-to-one conversation. My message is heard by the show’s listeners. It’s a perfect growth area for me as an introvert! However, last year, when one of my clients suggested to me about doing a podcast, I cringed. I told her that I am more of a “words” person, that I love writing and am very uncomfortable to hear my voice or even see my face out there on video! Fast forward to today, I’m speaking on podcasts and yes, some of them have posted my interview videos on their YouTube channels. My kids find the idea of me being on YouTube hilarious since they can’t imagine Mum being out there!
It is not easy putting yourself in a place of discomfort, moving outside your comfort zone. What has been your experience on your growth as a person, whether professionally or personally? What has been your greatest challenge in this area? Are you growing? Do you want to grow? “Low, grouchy, fed-up and bored” - are these words in your current vocabulary that aptly describes how you are feeling right now? It is perfectly fine to feel this way as we all have our off-days.
However, what happens when you get a whole string of those off-days, maybe lasting weeks, months or even years? Too many of us say that we’re in a rut, feel stuck, fed-up, or bored and admit that we don’t want things to be that way, but we don’t know what to do to change. That’s the problem, when you’re in a rut, you don’t have the energy or motivation to change things for the better, and it may be tough to find the insight or resources you need to take that step out and start growing.
“Everything will work out exactly how and when it is supposed to, regardless of how and when you may want it to. Let your faith in the journey be stronger than your doubts and fears. Be patient with yourself and your growth, knowing that good things always take time. Give yourself time and space to try things and explore different paths. You will get there one day so don’t forget to enjoy the journey too.
- Nikki Banas, American author
Experiment with these perspectives to see if they increase your inclination and motivation towards growth:
Do Something Differently
Life tends to run smoothly when we establish systems and routines for things, but the problem comes when things run too smoothly and we become blinded to any ideas or choices that sit outside of our routine. All the stuff we do every day becomes the norm, running on auto-pilot, and it becomes our whole world.
Start with making one or two simple changes to your day - be it at breakfast time, your daily work routines or what you would do to wind down in the evenings. Don’t worry about what the changes are or whether they’re right or wrong, just implement a few simple choices and see how they feel.
Doing something differently or changing parts of your routine, instantly takes you out of the norm and allows you to shake off the things that make you feel confined. Step out of your routine and you’ll be in a position where you’re able to make different choices, see things differently and get a different result.
Use your Intuition
Your intuition is a powerful ally, and we all have it even though you might not recognize it. Intuition is the ability to acquire knowledge without recourse to conscious reasoning.
One of the best friends you'll ever have in life is your intuition, and tuning into it and learning to trust it is something that can have some truly remarkable effects. Accessing your intuition is a bit like working and developing a muscle, but unfortunately it can be harder to locate than a bicep or quadricep, which tend to stay in the same place.
Here are some quick tips for accessing and trusting it:
Practice maintaining a curious and non-judgmental attitude. This is the most fertile ground to tap into your intuition. Look at things and situations that you are familiar with curiosity, as though you’re an investigator or explorer seeing it for the first time.
Practice making wild guesses in your everyday life. Guess what a salesperson's name is, what a new person or place will look like or who's calling on the phone. Don't worry about getting it wrong, you're just working that muscle.
Try a few simple observation exercises in your daily life. Whether you're in a restaurant, on a train, in a bar, or out shopping, practice noticing non-verbal behaviour in others. Look for shifts in posture, eye movements, vocal tone or tempo, etc. Guess how they're feeling or what they're talking about.
These exercises also help you stay in the present moment and allow you to appreciate the current events as they unfold before you rather than mulling about the past or trying hard to work out your plans for the future.
Commit to Learning Something New Daily
It doesn’t have to be something big. You don’t have to sign up for a diploma or take on a masters program (but if you are keen to do so, by all means, go ahead!). I’m encouraging you to see the learning opportunities that each day presents. For example, I was watching a YouTube video with my daughters the other day and learnt how to make a dragonfly using a piece of string. It was challenging at first (the video showed us that it could be done in 5 minutes! but I took 20 minutes to complete it) but we were all thrilled when I completed it. It gave us the motivation to learn more craft skills using string! You could explore learning a new word each day. Perhaps, it can be completing your learning and development modules assigned to you at work. Instead of looking at it as a mandatory task which must be done, adopt the approach of wanting to do it and seeing the possible benefits that it gives you. Remember to have fun as you commit to learning and growing!
I would love to hear your experiences on exploring these ways to stimulate your motivation towards growth. If you feel that you want more support in this area, please reach out to me here to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call to see how I can work with you towards your growth!