Let It Go
“Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise so I am changing myself.”
My elder daughter asked me a question earlier this week. “Mummy, do you know why you should never let Elsa hold your balloon?” It wasn’t a difficult question for me to answer given that the girls in this family are big fans of the Disney cartoon, Frozen. My answer to her was, “Yes, because she will always let it go!”
Jokes aside (and I thought it was a good one that she came up with), I find it difficult to let go of certain things - be it physical things or mental notes and emotions. We all have this tendency to hold on to things, for one reason or another. It could be for sentimental reasons, for the fear of losing something valuable that we cannot recover at a later time, for security reasons and many more. The truth is that we can easily come up with a reason to justify us holding on to something. So, why should we let go and when will we know it’s time to let go?
“You can only lose what you cling to.”
- Buddha
I came across this saying by Buddha in a social media post. It made me reflect on the aspects of letting go from a parent’s perspective. I am learning to let go for the sake of my children’s growth. My elder daughter is now in a new school and is adjusting to the school’s new schedule. She has a lot more on her plate this year. I stop myself from helping her manage her schedule and planning for the day ahead. It’s not easy for me as the protective side of me wants to ensure that she has everything in order and is well prepared. However, if I step in and help her organise, how will she be independent and learn the importance of being responsible for herself?
As for my son, he opened his first bank account two days ago. All along, we have a joint bank account where I manage his savings and earnings from his part time job last year. He wanted his own account to manage his funds independently. It gives him a sense of ownership and freedom as he will not need my permission to spend his money. I held off helping him open his bank account for some time as part of me feels that he is not ready to be that independent. Who am I kidding? Even if he is not ready, he will have to learn the nuances of handling money. The longer I put it off, the longer I am keeping him from learning these important lessons in life.
So, taking the analogy from my experiences as a parent, a sure sign that you need to let go is when by holding on to a particular way of thinking, behaving or acting is not encouraging the other person to grow. By holding on, you are actually making the person more dependent on you and there is no compulsion or incentive for that person to cut loose from you. That’s when you know you need to let go and extend trust to the other person. This could be in the form of a parent-child relationship, a manager-employee relationship or any relationships where one person is more dependent on the other. It would not be easy but when you see the person grow, you will know you did the right thing for that person.
“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”
- Raymond Lindquist
Another indication that you might need to explore letting go of a particular situation be it career options or life circumstances is when you feel that you are in your comfort zone for too long. There is a difference between being good at what you do and finding ease and fulfilment in it and stagnating in your comfort zone because it is safe and you are fearful of the unknown. If you are feeling the latter, then it’s time to figure out what is it that you really want out of your career and/or life. As I reflected on my legal career, it was challenging when I first started out as a trial attorney and I enjoyed it. However, as the years passed, there came a point where I found legal work easier and “safe” but it wasn’t fulfilling anymore. I felt that there was something missing in my life. That’s when I started exploring what my higher purpose in life is and fell in love with coaching.
Is there a situation in your life where you would like to improve? However, you are not doing it because it is easier, safer and comfortable just to remain as you are. Ask yourself, “If this is all there is to my life, am I fulfilled?”
Your honest answer will give you insight on what you need to let go of and start exploring new opportunities or shifts in your thinking and beliefs.
Coincidentally, I wrote an earlier blog post titled Letting Go in October 2021 on the mindsets you might want to let go of in order to fully embrace your highest potential in life - https://www.riverlifecoaching.com/blog/lettinggo - go check it out!
Another area of our lives to consider the need to let go is in our way of handling expectations. It’s not wrong to have expectations of yourself and others because that is how we keep ourselves and others accountable and achieve high standards of excellence in all that we do. The issue arises when we have unrealistic expectations of others. For example, first time managers who are strong individual contributors have a tendency to gauge the performance of their direct reports through the lenses of themselves, meaning that they benchmark the performance of their direct reports against how they would have done the tasks themselves. The “letting go” part here is when there is a shift in mindset in recognising that their direct reports are at different stages of their experience and technical know-how as compared to their own level of expertise. When managers start to let go and empower their people to take ownership of their tasks and responsibilities with clear and agreed mutual expectations, this will enable their people to grow and mature in their roles and the managers to take on more strategic challenges required at their level.
On a more personal level, letting go also means accepting that the other person’s way of thinking and beliefs are not the same as yours and your responsibility is not to change their thinking to be the same as yours but to understand them and to see how you can work and live with them collaboratively. For example, my thinking around spending is very different from my husband’s. He was brought up by frugal parents whereas I tend to have a more relaxed approach about spending. I recalled in our earlier years of marriage, we had arguments about what we should spend our money on and the reasons for doing so. Over the years, I’ve learnt to accept that his outlook on money is embedded in his internal rule system and the more that I try to change that system, the stronger the resistance I face. By letting go and accepting that this is who he is, I have learnt to understand his way of thinking and through open and honest communication, we have both worked to agree on ways to handle money that sit well with both our belief systems. It’s not easy but it’s definitely better than forcing each other to change when we are not willing to yet.
When you think of your work and personal relationships, what areas do you face heaviness and frustration? Identify those areas and ask yourself, “Would letting go of the way I am viewing these areas help in fostering a better relationship with this person?” It starts with deep understanding of why we think and behave the way we do and then getting curious about why the other person thinks or behave the way they do.
If you require support from a coach in any of these areas of letting go - for the sake of growth, to find your highest potential in life and to have better relationships, I’m happy to have a complimentary 30-minutes call with you to explore how we can work together. Just click here.
