Dare to be Different
"It doesn’t matter what we do until we accept ourselves. Once we accept ourselves, it doesn’t matter what we do."
-
Charly Heavenrich, American life coach
I had an interesting conversation with my daughters several weeks ago about what they will wear for a school function. They were given an opportunity to wear their ethnic outfits, normally reserved for the Chinese New Year celebrations. I thought they will be thrilled with the idea of ditching their school uniforms. To my surprise, my girls did not want to dress up for the occasion. The youngest felt that she had outgrown her dress and it was not comfortable to wear it for the entire school day. The elder girl said it was too hot to wear the dress and may cause her to itch and have her eczema flare up. Their reasons were logical but I was concerned they may be teased at school for standing out from the rest of the prettily dressed girls. They surprised me again. They were both fine with standing out and doing what feels right for them instead of worrying about being teased or ridiculed. You can say that was a proud moment for me as their mother, that I raised my girls the right way. They are comfortable in their own skin and do not worry about what others think or say of them. However, it was also a somewhat melancholy moment for me as they are still young and have a lot to learn as they grow up. We all know that life is harsher and complicated when we are in adulthood. Is this complexity our own doing? Perhaps, but it takes a lot of courage to stand one’s ground and be secure in one’s self despite external pressures and expectations of society.
How often did you feel, even now as an adult, that you cannot be truly yourself in certain situations? How many of the following scenarios resonate with you?
When your colleagues gossip about another colleague who doesn’t quite fit in, do you feel compelled to join in? Is it easy for you to walk away or neutralise the situation?
Do you feel embarrassed or “small” when members of your extended family talk about their professional achievements? You feel that your achievements pale in comparison because you did not climb the corporate ladders like they did but chose a creative profession which you are passionate about. You stay quiet in these conversations.
When you are at a social gathering with your friends and everyone is talking about their significant others, do you feel that there is something wrong with you? Is that why you are not in a long term relationship with a potential partner? What if you don’t want to be in a relationship at this point in time? Do you feel confident in sharing your views on this?
Do you dress in a certain way, talk about certain topics and suppress your true beliefs and opinions just to get into the “in-crowd” whether it’s the “right” type of people to network with at work in order to be more visible or at family or social gatherings because you don’t want to be judged or rock the boat by saying something controversial even if it’s what you truly believe in?
I am aware that we observe certain social etiquette when we are interacting with people and are mindful of sensitive topics such as political affiliations, religious beliefs, heated issues in the news and the football team you support all year round! I’m not questioning your beliefs. My question is irrespective of whether you are the life of the party or a wallflower, are you comfortable in your own skin? Do you like yourself as you are today?
Photo by Joshua Eckstein on Unsplash
What is the difference between self-esteem and self-acceptance? Dr. Hugo Alberts (Ph.D.) – psychologist, researcher and founder of PositivePsychology.com explained the difference as follows: Self-esteem relates to how a person rates him- or herself (i.e. positive or negative) whereas self-acceptance occurs when a person just relates to him- or herself without any judgment or “scoring positive or negative marks”.
Self-esteem, in a way, is conditional self-acceptance. Self-acceptance has nothing to do with worth. It is also not about “doing” to become someone. It is just affirming yourself for who you are at this present moment, appreciating your strengths and weaknesses. You are not inferior or should have lower self-esteem because you have weaknesses. We all have weaknesses. What matters is that we recognise our weaknesses and learn to grow as a person, while at all times, being kind to ourselves because growing takes time and may be painful.
Consider and reflect on these questions to begin your journey to start accepting yourself for who you are:
Who are you?
Who are you? This time, answer without using labels, roles and job description. Yes, this is much harder to tackle!
What is the real you like? Answer in relation to your values and qualities.
How do you feel about yourself right now?
How do others make you feel about yourself right now?
What do you think others think of you?
What are you noticing when you think of others’ perception of you?
What parts of you are you dying to let out?
What would happen if you did?
What would your future self of 20 years from now advise you today?
Have fun discovering the answers to these questions and begin to fully accept yourself unconditionally. If you need support in any of the areas in your life that made you uncomfortable during this process, we would love to hear from you!
We’re also running our Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan today! This is happening on 28 August 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time).
To come full circle from my sharing of my daughters’ musings at the beginning of this post, this quote made me smile. I hope and pray that my daughters will still have their strong sense of self-acceptance when they are my age!
“A mother who radiates self-acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem”
What Part are You Playing?
We all play many roles and parts in our lives. What is your true identity when you strip all your roles away? Do you know who you truly are? Read this blog post to explore this question.
“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts,…”
- William Shakespeare (from As You Like It, spoken by Jaques)
My son was tasked to write an essay for his Social Studies assignment two weeks ago. The title of his essay was “What influences my personal identity? Name the influences and evaluate the positive and negative impact of these influences.” We had a discussion on the possible influences and I suggested Shakespeare’s quote as a starting point for his essay. If we see the world as a stage, we as actors, have a part to play at a designated time and for a designated purpose. He saw that as a student, he is playing his role in conformity to society’s expectations of him - what the school and other adults expect him to think and behave. If he acts outside of society’s norms, there will be implications of acceptance and belonging. Will society still accept him if he does not behave in accordance with society’s rules? Apart from society’s expectations, there are also our expectations of him as his parents and how his peers see him. He wrote about the responsibilities of being the eldest in the family and the pressures of setting a good example for his sisters. He also felt that he had to grow up faster than if he was just an only child. As for his peers, there is a strong element of fitting in and doing the “right” things to belong to a particular group of friends. If he doesn’t fit in a particular clique, he may run the risk of being labelled a “nerd”, a “goody-two-shoes”, a “rebel”, a “misfit” or any other undesirable labels that clearly distinguish him from that clique.
If we are honest with ourselves, the issue of conformity to societal expectations at the expense of hiding our true identity still affects us in adulthood. We just become better actors with age. We play the roles of a good upright citizen, a good employee, a good spouse, a good parent, a good son and son-in-law well. We redraft and refine our scripts so that life is easier to manage and hopefully, we find happiness along the way. Is this true though? Is life really easier and happier if we conform to external expectations at the expense of stifling our true identity?
How many “should’s”, “ought to’s” and “I have to’s” are influencing your daily decisions in life? Are these thoughts liberating you or drowning you? Do you want to tear your script and take on a whole new role, one that fills you with excitement, hope and purpose?
“Inside of every one of us is that tiny seed of the “you” that you were meant to become. Unfortunately, you may have buried this seed in response to your parents, teachers, coaches and other adult role models as you were growing up. ”
After the years of conformity and pleasing the adults in our lives, we eventually suppress our true identities, wants and desires. We strive to please others and obtain their approvals for how we live our lives. We forget who we truly are and what sparks life and joy for us. Do these statements resonate with you?
I studied medicine because my father wanted me to follow in his footsteps.
I got a “real” job because no one else in my family pursued their dream jobs.
I married this person because my mother thinks she is good for me.
I gave up the idea of being an artist because I have bills to pay.
How do you reclaim yourself and your true desires? How do you reconnect with your passions and dreams? How do you start living your life as your true self? You start by taking small steps to honour your preferences in every situation. When you are confronted with a choice, no matter how insignificant, act as if you have a preference.
“What would my choice be?”
“Which do I prefer?”
“What would I rather do?”
Practice asking and answering these questions daily to get comfortable with making choices and decisions that you really want, fulfilling you at a deeper, inner level.
Another exercise for you to start rediscovering who you truly are is to write your “I Want…” list. See if you can elicit the help of your spouse, partner, trusted family member or friend for this exercise.
Make a list of:
30 things you want to do
30 things you want to have
30 things you want to be before you die
Have him or her ask you “What do you want?” for each list. Do this for about 10 minutes and you don’t have to say the items in any particular order or according to any particular category. In the beginning, you will probably start off with material possessions like cars, houses or luxury goods. However, towards the end of this exercise, you will find that your “wants” reflect your true “you”, your dreams and passions. You may find yourself saying, “I want to be remembered as a good leader”, “I want to be surrounded by my children who are happy and healthy”, “I want to help build resilience in my community”.
You find your true voice, coming out loud and clear. How long has it been since you heard it? How do you feel hearing it aloud in front of a trusted individual? Is it liberating and empowering? Do you feel a renewed sense of purpose and excitement in your life?
If you found this exercise impacting you in a positive manner and you would like to explore ways to live your life authentically, reach out to us here today to find out how we can help you in this!