What Part are You Playing?
“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts,…”
- William Shakespeare (from As You Like It, spoken by Jaques)
My son was tasked to write an essay for his Social Studies assignment two weeks ago. The title of his essay was “What influences my personal identity? Name the influences and evaluate the positive and negative impact of these influences.” We had a discussion on the possible influences and I suggested Shakespeare’s quote as a starting point for his essay. If we see the world as a stage, we as actors, have a part to play at a designated time and for a designated purpose. He saw that as a student, he is playing his role in conformity to society’s expectations of him - what the school and other adults expect him to think and behave. If he acts outside of society’s norms, there will be implications of acceptance and belonging. Will society still accept him if he does not behave in accordance with society’s rules? Apart from society’s expectations, there are also our expectations of him as his parents and how his peers see him. He wrote about the responsibilities of being the eldest in the family and the pressures of setting a good example for his sisters. He also felt that he had to grow up faster than if he was just an only child. As for his peers, there is a strong element of fitting in and doing the “right” things to belong to a particular group of friends. If he doesn’t fit in a particular clique, he may run the risk of being labelled a “nerd”, a “goody-two-shoes”, a “rebel”, a “misfit” or any other undesirable labels that clearly distinguish him from that clique.
If we are honest with ourselves, the issue of conformity to societal expectations at the expense of hiding our true identity still affects us in adulthood. We just become better actors with age. We play the roles of a good upright citizen, a good employee, a good spouse, a good parent, a good son and son-in-law well. We redraft and refine our scripts so that life is easier to manage and hopefully, we find happiness along the way. Is this true though? Is life really easier and happier if we conform to external expectations at the expense of stifling our true identity?
How many “should’s”, “ought to’s” and “I have to’s” are influencing your daily decisions in life? Are these thoughts liberating you or drowning you? Do you want to tear your script and take on a whole new role, one that fills you with excitement, hope and purpose?
“Inside of every one of us is that tiny seed of the “you” that you were meant to become. Unfortunately, you may have buried this seed in response to your parents, teachers, coaches and other adult role models as you were growing up. ”
After the years of conformity and pleasing the adults in our lives, we eventually suppress our true identities, wants and desires. We strive to please others and obtain their approvals for how we live our lives. We forget who we truly are and what sparks life and joy for us. Do these statements resonate with you?
I studied medicine because my father wanted me to follow in his footsteps.
I got a “real” job because no one else in my family pursued their dream jobs.
I married this person because my mother thinks she is good for me.
I gave up the idea of being an artist because I have bills to pay.
How do you reclaim yourself and your true desires? How do you reconnect with your passions and dreams? How do you start living your life as your true self? You start by taking small steps to honour your preferences in every situation. When you are confronted with a choice, no matter how insignificant, act as if you have a preference.
“What would my choice be?”
“Which do I prefer?”
“What would I rather do?”
Practice asking and answering these questions daily to get comfortable with making choices and decisions that you really want, fulfilling you at a deeper, inner level.
Another exercise for you to start rediscovering who you truly are is to write your “I Want…” list. See if you can elicit the help of your spouse, partner, trusted family member or friend for this exercise.
Make a list of:
30 things you want to do
30 things you want to have
30 things you want to be before you die
Have him or her ask you “What do you want?” for each list. Do this for about 10 minutes and you don’t have to say the items in any particular order or according to any particular category. In the beginning, you will probably start off with material possessions like cars, houses or luxury goods. However, towards the end of this exercise, you will find that your “wants” reflect your true “you”, your dreams and passions. You may find yourself saying, “I want to be remembered as a good leader”, “I want to be surrounded by my children who are happy and healthy”, “I want to help build resilience in my community”.
You find your true voice, coming out loud and clear. How long has it been since you heard it? How do you feel hearing it aloud in front of a trusted individual? Is it liberating and empowering? Do you feel a renewed sense of purpose and excitement in your life?
If you found this exercise impacting you in a positive manner and you would like to explore ways to live your life authentically, reach out to us here today to find out how we can help you in this!
