Sticks and Stones…
We are familiar with the children’s rhyme that is used as a defence against verbal bullying. It goes:
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words will never hurt me.
However, the reality is words hurt. They hurt a lot. They can scar you for life. We hold strong emotional baggage in our lives. Baggage that we want to put down but find it extremely difficult to do so.
“Tempers are temporary, but hateful and hurtful words can be remembered forever.”
- Jarod Kintz, American author
I had a recent experience with hurtful words. Someone made derogatory remarks about me to another person, fully aware that I was able to hear every word she said. It was done intentionally to hurt me. As it was a family gathering and my kids were with me, I decided not to react and just leave the room.
My mood was spoilt that entire evening. I was bothered by her words. I vented to my husband and to my kids. Venting didn’t make me feel better. In a way, it made it worse as her words kept ringing in my head as I recounted the event. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of anger and resentment.
Even as I write this post, those negative feelings are surfacing. I’m writing about it not with the intention to vent but to share my learning from this experience. By being angry, I’m the only one suffering. She is not aware that I am angry. She is not hurt.
This quote by English poet, Alexander Pope, aptly describes the impact of unresolved anger on ourselves.
“To be angry is to revenge the fault of others on ourselves.”
If I don’t let the anger go and forgive her in my heart, the negative feelings will surface and affect all the other relationships in my life. I will end up hurting those around me because my bitterness will keep growing.
I knew that I had to do something. Should I retaliate and confront her? Criticize her and show her shortcomings to her? Should I act spitefully, stooping to her level by spreading gossip about her? The answer is no. I still want to maintain my relationship with her. She is not someone I can completely remove from my life.
So, what can I do? I recalled an earlier blog I wrote in August titled The Tale of Two Wolves. In that blog, I wrote about the choices we make in our lives - which perspective do we want to adopt in any situation? Do we always look at the worst case scenario or do we seek out the gift and growth opportunities? My exact words there were “If we have been hurt by a family member or a friend and we choose to fuel the hurt, it develops into a deep-seated resentment and hatred towards that person. As the wise grandfather advised his grandson in the story, you are only hurting yourself with your anger and hatred. It does not change anything. No one suffers more than you do.”
My own words provided me the answer to this particular situation. I decided to accept that she said those words because she is an inherently unhappy person. I decided not to take it personally. I decided to move on and not dwell on it anymore. I decided not to feed the negative emotions that I was feeling.
This realisation liberated me. When I see her now, I only have empathy for her. I don’t force my views on her or expect her to change as it is difficult for someone to change the way they behave. I cannot control what she says or does but I can control my reactions and my responses. I choose to forgive.
“You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.’”
— Maya Angelou, American poet
What would you do if you were in my shoes? You cannot remove this person from your life and you will still need to interact with him/her. What is your response when your boundaries are crossed? Are you triggered to “fight”, “flight” or “freeze” in the conversation?
If you normally opt for the “flight” approach like I did in my situation, be clear that it is your choice and not something that is forced on you. Once you have decided not to confront the person, be at peace with it. Draw a line under this difficult situation and choose to move on.
If your preferred option is to “fight” but at times, you “freeze”, here are some suggestions on how to phrase your sentences without being aggressive and rude:
An inappropriate question
“I think you don’t know me well enough to ask things like that.”; or
“I’d rather not discuss that topic right now if you don’t mind.”
The intrusive co-worker
“Hey, sorry to interrupt. I don’t mind helping, but I can’t talk right now. It works better for me to set a specific time. How about we take 15 minutes to talk about it today at 3 p.m.?”
The dismissal of an idea
“I want to talk about that project. I know I said I am fine with the decision of the majority but I realise that it’s still affecting me. Can we schedule a time to talk about it?”
I would love to hear your views on your preferred approach - is it “fight” or “flight”? Reach out to me here if you want to explore different coping strategies on dealing with difficult people and difficult conversations.
I am also holding a group coaching session to help you create your unique resilience plan on 30 October 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). Reserve your place here!
Speed of Recovery
My heartfelt gratitude to each of you who reached out to me with encouragement and support when my youngest daughter and I came down with dengue fever last month. August was indeed a difficult month with all 3 kids being ill (yes, my teenage son was also suspected of having Covid-19 just like my middle daughter. Thankfully, like her, his test results came back negative). Dengue hit me hard and to date, I am still not 100% my usual self. I suffer from fatigue, occasional headaches and body aches. My youngest daughter, on the other hand, has fully recovered and proudly declares that she has conquered dengue with gusto!
“It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how your life’s story will develop.”
- Dieter F. Uchtdorf, German aviator
My youngest daughter returned to school in the first week of September. I had asked her teacher to excuse her from any strenuous physical activities as I was concerned that it would be too much for her to handle given that she had just recovered. However, my daughter wanted to participate in her school’s sports day. She didn’t want to let her team down. Seeing how determined she was, I spoke to her teacher again and she agreed to let my daughter join the team events. Around lunch time, her teacher sent several text messages to me, informing me that my daughter gave her very best in the events and her team came out as champions! She even stepped in for a friend who couldn’t take part that day. I was so proud of her, not so much for winning but for being determined to do her best and not let her team down. When she had dengue fever, she couldn’t move much and spent most of her time sleeping. I am amazed at how quickly she recovered, both physically and emotionally. She had set her mind to do her best for her team and lived up to her word. She didn’t give up!
My road to recovery was very different from hers. As I was in pain and physically very weak, I was rock-bottom emotionally. I felt defeated. I felt frustrated. I felt angry. All my plans for the month of August had to be cancelled or rescheduled. Even when I was physically better, I was unable to find motivation to get back in the swing of things. It was as though I was stuck in a fog, unable to see my way out of it. I just gave up and did nothing!
What was the key difference here? Both my daughter and I had dengue. We both physically recovered around the same time. Yet, she bounced back so quickly and I struggled. It was our mindset. She was optimistic and looked forward to things she was excited about. I was pessimistic and looked back at the month of August with regret given all the things that were not accomplished. That stronghold of my regret and frustrations kept me from moving past this illness. I allowed myself to stay there.
The lesson I learnt is that it is our reaction to adversity that truly impacts the course of our lives and not the adversity itself. If I had been more positive like my daughter, the speed of my emotional recovery would have been much faster and smoother. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time in the fog.
“I am down. And that is okay. I may be down for a while, but I will rise again. And when I rise, I will rise higher than I’ve gone before, I will be stronger than I’ve been before. I will thrive.”
So, how did I eventually make my way out of my fog of regret, frustration and anger?
My husband told me that I was looking to put everything right all at the same time. The fact that I wasn’t able to do so prevented me from doing anything at all. I was paralysed and overwhelmed. He reminded me that I didn’t have to fix everything all at once. I know it sounds simple but I’m really an “all or nothing” type of person as I’ve shared in one of my previous blog posts.
I had to remind myself that what I’m feeling and going through is not Personal, Pervasive and Permanent. The 3Ps, a positive psychology tool on handling adversity and building our resilience muscles, proposed by Dr. Martin Seligman, a renowned psychologist, often referred to as the father of modern-day positive psychology movement, explains how we are to view our adverse circumstances.
Personal - We are often tempted to think that everything that happens to us is caused by us. The problem is with me. By shifting our perspectives and considering the possibility that external factors that are not within our control have caused our circumstances will prevent us from blaming ourselves. Once you have a more accurate view of things, you will be able to bounce back faster. I realised that it’s not my fault that my daughter and I had dengue. We were just at the wrong place at the wrong time to be bitten by that particular mosquito!
Pervasive - This is falling into the trap of thinking that one problem causes a ripple effect and applies to all areas of our lives. I was caught in this trap. I felt that every single area of my life was negatively impacted just because I was ill. Once I started realising that this isn’t so, I slowly found my way out of my fog. My husband was extremely supportive during this difficult time in our family. I also had support from my in-laws who took care of our meals and household chores when I wasn’t able to get out of bed. My coaching business was put on hold but I had understanding clients who didn’t put any pressure on me to resume their coaching sessions. Keeping the right perspective really helped me. My illness wasn’t pervasive.
Permanent - We may also think that our difficult circumstances are permanent. When we are going through adversity, it is extremely challenging and it may feel like it will never end. However, the reality is most of our adversities are not permanent. Once you are able to view the situation as temporary, you will be able to cope better with it. I have not fully recovered yet but I know now that I will come out of this experience stronger.
Don’t lose heart when you are facing adversity. Remind yourself to stop and consider the 3Ps. Is it really personal, pervasive and permanent? Once you realise that it’s not, you are already strengthening your resilience muscles. If you require more support, be it in the form of one-to-one coaching or group coaching, I would be more than happy to explore the options with you. Reach out to me here today!