Sticks and Stones…
We are familiar with the children’s rhyme that is used as a defence against verbal bullying. It goes:
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words will never hurt me.
However, the reality is words hurt. They hurt a lot. They can scar you for life. We hold strong emotional baggage in our lives. Baggage that we want to put down but find it extremely difficult to do so.
“Tempers are temporary, but hateful and hurtful words can be remembered forever.”
- Jarod Kintz, American author
I had a recent experience with hurtful words. Someone made derogatory remarks about me to another person, fully aware that I was able to hear every word she said. It was done intentionally to hurt me. As it was a family gathering and my kids were with me, I decided not to react and just leave the room.
My mood was spoilt that entire evening. I was bothered by her words. I vented to my husband and to my kids. Venting didn’t make me feel better. In a way, it made it worse as her words kept ringing in my head as I recounted the event. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of anger and resentment.
Even as I write this post, those negative feelings are surfacing. I’m writing about it not with the intention to vent but to share my learning from this experience. By being angry, I’m the only one suffering. She is not aware that I am angry. She is not hurt.
This quote by English poet, Alexander Pope, aptly describes the impact of unresolved anger on ourselves.
“To be angry is to revenge the fault of others on ourselves.”
If I don’t let the anger go and forgive her in my heart, the negative feelings will surface and affect all the other relationships in my life. I will end up hurting those around me because my bitterness will keep growing.
I knew that I had to do something. Should I retaliate and confront her? Criticize her and show her shortcomings to her? Should I act spitefully, stooping to her level by spreading gossip about her? The answer is no. I still want to maintain my relationship with her. She is not someone I can completely remove from my life.
So, what can I do? I recalled an earlier blog I wrote in August titled The Tale of Two Wolves. In that blog, I wrote about the choices we make in our lives - which perspective do we want to adopt in any situation? Do we always look at the worst case scenario or do we seek out the gift and growth opportunities? My exact words there were “If we have been hurt by a family member or a friend and we choose to fuel the hurt, it develops into a deep-seated resentment and hatred towards that person. As the wise grandfather advised his grandson in the story, you are only hurting yourself with your anger and hatred. It does not change anything. No one suffers more than you do.”
My own words provided me the answer to this particular situation. I decided to accept that she said those words because she is an inherently unhappy person. I decided not to take it personally. I decided to move on and not dwell on it anymore. I decided not to feed the negative emotions that I was feeling.
This realisation liberated me. When I see her now, I only have empathy for her. I don’t force my views on her or expect her to change as it is difficult for someone to change the way they behave. I cannot control what she says or does but I can control my reactions and my responses. I choose to forgive.
“You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.’”
— Maya Angelou, American poet
What would you do if you were in my shoes? You cannot remove this person from your life and you will still need to interact with him/her. What is your response when your boundaries are crossed? Are you triggered to “fight”, “flight” or “freeze” in the conversation?
If you normally opt for the “flight” approach like I did in my situation, be clear that it is your choice and not something that is forced on you. Once you have decided not to confront the person, be at peace with it. Draw a line under this difficult situation and choose to move on.
If your preferred option is to “fight” but at times, you “freeze”, here are some suggestions on how to phrase your sentences without being aggressive and rude:
An inappropriate question
“I think you don’t know me well enough to ask things like that.”; or
“I’d rather not discuss that topic right now if you don’t mind.”
The intrusive co-worker
“Hey, sorry to interrupt. I don’t mind helping, but I can’t talk right now. It works better for me to set a specific time. How about we take 15 minutes to talk about it today at 3 p.m.?”
The dismissal of an idea
“I want to talk about that project. I know I said I am fine with the decision of the majority but I realise that it’s still affecting me. Can we schedule a time to talk about it?”
I would love to hear your views on your preferred approach - is it “fight” or “flight”? Reach out to me here if you want to explore different coping strategies on dealing with difficult people and difficult conversations.
I am also holding a group coaching session to help you create your unique resilience plan on 30 October 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). Reserve your place here!
