Dare to be Different
"It doesn’t matter what we do until we accept ourselves. Once we accept ourselves, it doesn’t matter what we do."
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Charly Heavenrich, American life coach
I had an interesting conversation with my daughters several weeks ago about what they will wear for a school function. They were given an opportunity to wear their ethnic outfits, normally reserved for the Chinese New Year celebrations. I thought they will be thrilled with the idea of ditching their school uniforms. To my surprise, my girls did not want to dress up for the occasion. The youngest felt that she had outgrown her dress and it was not comfortable to wear it for the entire school day. The elder girl said it was too hot to wear the dress and may cause her to itch and have her eczema flare up. Their reasons were logical but I was concerned they may be teased at school for standing out from the rest of the prettily dressed girls. They surprised me again. They were both fine with standing out and doing what feels right for them instead of worrying about being teased or ridiculed. You can say that was a proud moment for me as their mother, that I raised my girls the right way. They are comfortable in their own skin and do not worry about what others think or say of them. However, it was also a somewhat melancholy moment for me as they are still young and have a lot to learn as they grow up. We all know that life is harsher and complicated when we are in adulthood. Is this complexity our own doing? Perhaps, but it takes a lot of courage to stand one’s ground and be secure in one’s self despite external pressures and expectations of society.
How often did you feel, even now as an adult, that you cannot be truly yourself in certain situations? How many of the following scenarios resonate with you?
When your colleagues gossip about another colleague who doesn’t quite fit in, do you feel compelled to join in? Is it easy for you to walk away or neutralise the situation?
Do you feel embarrassed or “small” when members of your extended family talk about their professional achievements? You feel that your achievements pale in comparison because you did not climb the corporate ladders like they did but chose a creative profession which you are passionate about. You stay quiet in these conversations.
When you are at a social gathering with your friends and everyone is talking about their significant others, do you feel that there is something wrong with you? Is that why you are not in a long term relationship with a potential partner? What if you don’t want to be in a relationship at this point in time? Do you feel confident in sharing your views on this?
Do you dress in a certain way, talk about certain topics and suppress your true beliefs and opinions just to get into the “in-crowd” whether it’s the “right” type of people to network with at work in order to be more visible or at family or social gatherings because you don’t want to be judged or rock the boat by saying something controversial even if it’s what you truly believe in?
I am aware that we observe certain social etiquette when we are interacting with people and are mindful of sensitive topics such as political affiliations, religious beliefs, heated issues in the news and the football team you support all year round! I’m not questioning your beliefs. My question is irrespective of whether you are the life of the party or a wallflower, are you comfortable in your own skin? Do you like yourself as you are today?
Photo by Joshua Eckstein on Unsplash
What is the difference between self-esteem and self-acceptance? Dr. Hugo Alberts (Ph.D.) – psychologist, researcher and founder of PositivePsychology.com explained the difference as follows: Self-esteem relates to how a person rates him- or herself (i.e. positive or negative) whereas self-acceptance occurs when a person just relates to him- or herself without any judgment or “scoring positive or negative marks”.
Self-esteem, in a way, is conditional self-acceptance. Self-acceptance has nothing to do with worth. It is also not about “doing” to become someone. It is just affirming yourself for who you are at this present moment, appreciating your strengths and weaknesses. You are not inferior or should have lower self-esteem because you have weaknesses. We all have weaknesses. What matters is that we recognise our weaknesses and learn to grow as a person, while at all times, being kind to ourselves because growing takes time and may be painful.
Consider and reflect on these questions to begin your journey to start accepting yourself for who you are:
Who are you?
Who are you? This time, answer without using labels, roles and job description. Yes, this is much harder to tackle!
What is the real you like? Answer in relation to your values and qualities.
How do you feel about yourself right now?
How do others make you feel about yourself right now?
What do you think others think of you?
What are you noticing when you think of others’ perception of you?
What parts of you are you dying to let out?
What would happen if you did?
What would your future self of 20 years from now advise you today?
Have fun discovering the answers to these questions and begin to fully accept yourself unconditionally. If you need support in any of the areas in your life that made you uncomfortable during this process, we would love to hear from you!
We’re also running our Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan today! This is happening on 28 August 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time).
To come full circle from my sharing of my daughters’ musings at the beginning of this post, this quote made me smile. I hope and pray that my daughters will still have their strong sense of self-acceptance when they are my age!
“A mother who radiates self-acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem”
Standing Firm
An inspired painting done as a gift to me from my friend, Lisa Tan. If you like what you see, visit her Instagram page at https://www.instagram.com/travellingfeet88/.
Do you know what your core values and principles are? These are your '“non-negotiables” that serve as your compass through the various roads, including road-blocks, diversions and U-turns in your life. These principles are what you hold dear and close to your heart. Your core values create the essence of your identity. They form the basis and the foundation on which you build your life.
If you make a decision or commit to an action that is not aligned with your core values, you will feel a sense of uneasiness and discomfort. You may not feel it instantly if you are not in tune with your core values due to the busyness and distractions of today’s hectic pace of life. However, this sense of misalignment will eventually hit you because you will realise that something is not quite right with those areas in your life where you are not living in alignment with your core values.
“Despite the ferocity of the current, a river is always moving but it’s always in the same place. And much like a river, while we should surge forward with great ferocity, our principles should never move.”
This quote resonates with me because the author uses the river to illustrate clearly that no matter what we face in our life’s journeys, how strong and impactful our experiences may be, we will be able to hold firm to our core values and principles and continue to thrive, to flourish. There will be moments when we feel that we cannot stay afloat but when we draw strength from the essence of who we are and the values that we embody, we will be able to stand firm, growing and learning from these challenging moments in our lives.
I recently took the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test along with a few other personality tests just to gauge if my core values and principles have changed over time. I was quietly surprised and assured when I received my test results. I’ve taken the MBTI tests at various stages in my life and I’ve always obtained the result of being a Nurturer (ISFJ). A true introvert who is observant and pragmatic while being empathetic and has a strong work ethic. My strong work ethic and sense of responsibility have led me to my legal career as I believe in fairness and justice for all. My second wind in life was brought about by my trait of empathy and compassion. Being a coach enables me to understand and connect with individuals at a much deeper level than in everyday conversations. Coaching gives me a sense of purpose that is higher than my own personal desires.
Photo by Linus Nylund on Unsplash
As a believer in the Christian faith, I know that this is my calling. By holding onto my core values of gratitude, honesty and a love for learning, I have been able to grow so much from the challenging circumstances and obstacles in my life. I always remind myself that despite the external circumstances that are beyond my control, God is in control. The Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4: 11-12 (NIV), “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” This is how I stand firm when crisis hits! What do you draw on for your strength when you face difficulties and challenges in your life?
If you want to explore more about your core values and principles and work on aligning them in your daily living, reach out to us here today! We are more than happy to hear from you and find out we can support you to thrive and flourish through these unprecedented, uncertain times!