The Tale of Two Wolves
The tale of the two wolves is a popular legend of unknown origin, often attributed to the Native American Cherokee Indians.
A young boy came to his Grandfather, filled with anger at another boy who had done him an injustice.
The old Grandfather said to his grandson, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and hate does not hurt your enemy. Hate is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times."
"It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offence when no offence was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.”
“But the other wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper." "He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, because his anger will change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, because both of the wolves try to dominate my spirit." The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which wolf will win, Grandfather?" The Grandfather smiled and said, "The one I feed."
Story adapted from https://theacademy.sdsu.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/two-wolves-cherokee-story.pdf
What thoughts come to mind as you read this tale?
The story reminds me of the choices we make in our lives. We can choose how we view a particular situation. If we start to feel anger or frustration over an event that is not in our favour, we can choose to take a step back and look at the situation objectively or we can choose to fuel the anger and frustration. Our choice will determine our reaction to the event. That same choice will also have longer lasting consequences on how we view the rest of our days, weeks, months and even years. If we have been hurt by a family member or a friend and we choose to fuel the hurt, it develops into a deep-seated resentment and hatred towards that person. As the wise grandfather advised his grandson in the story, you are only hurting yourself with your anger and hatred. It does not change anything. No one suffers more than you do.
“Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering”
I couldn’t resist the wise words of Master Yoda as I am an avid Star Wars fan! On a serious note though, there is truth in his statement. Whatever you focus your mind and energy on, you give it strength to grow and to take hold of your being. It consumes you until it becomes a part of you. If you feed anger and hate, you find that anger and hate seeps into all areas of your life.
Now that you know that what you feed, wins the battle to dominate your spirit and you have a choice to decide which wolf to feed, what can you do to ensure you feed the right wolf?
You can use mindfulness practices to be aware of your emotions. By being more aware of your emotions, you will be better equipped to take a step back and not let the emotions control you. The ability to pause and to acknowledge your emotions without rushing to react is powerful. It creates that space for you to slow down, process the emotion and then make a choice as to how you want to act or refrain from acting.
A common misconception of mindfulness is that you need to get away to a peaceful resort or a quiet place, set aside an entire day and sit cross-legged and chant.
That is not what mindfulness entails. Mindfulness simply means paying attention to the here and now. The attention can be directed to things outside ourselves or to our thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Mindful attention also means attention without judgment. We do not label the sensations and feelings immediately as positive or negative. We simply observe and accept that we are feeling these sensations and emotions.
Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash
What can you do to start cultivating mindfulness in your life?
Awareness of routine activities - as you go about your daily activities such as brushing your teeth, driving or commuting to work or having a meal, focus your attention fully on the activity - the sights, the sounds and sensations. If thoughts or distractions emerge, just notice them and then bring your attention gently back to the activity on hand. There is no judgment. It is just to practise adopting a single focus for your attention.
Awareness of your body - regularly pay attention to your body such as posture and physical sensations such as pain and tension throughout the day in various circumstances. A strong awareness of your body can serve as an early indicator of any stress-related ailments.
Awareness of impulses - when you pay attention to your automated reactions to certain emotions, you will start to see a pattern. By recognising your emotional triggers and patterns, you will be able to make a conscious choice not to be led solely by your emotions. For example, you may notice a pattern that whenever someone gives you a constructive feedback about the way you handle a particular work task, your automated reaction is to be defensive and reply curtly to that person. By recognising this, you will be able to pause and then make a conscious decision on your reaction and behaviour.
Try out these mindfulness practices with curiosity and kindness to yourself. It is not meant as an assessment or benchmark of one’s level of awareness. It is a lifelong learning journey. If you would like to explore mindfulness practices in more depth, please contact us here! We would love to support and encourage you in your journey to feed the wolf that will give you growth, peace and joy!
We’re also running our Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan today! This is happening on 28 August 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time).
What Part are You Playing?
We all play many roles and parts in our lives. What is your true identity when you strip all your roles away? Do you know who you truly are? Read this blog post to explore this question.
“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts,…”
- William Shakespeare (from As You Like It, spoken by Jaques)
My son was tasked to write an essay for his Social Studies assignment two weeks ago. The title of his essay was “What influences my personal identity? Name the influences and evaluate the positive and negative impact of these influences.” We had a discussion on the possible influences and I suggested Shakespeare’s quote as a starting point for his essay. If we see the world as a stage, we as actors, have a part to play at a designated time and for a designated purpose. He saw that as a student, he is playing his role in conformity to society’s expectations of him - what the school and other adults expect him to think and behave. If he acts outside of society’s norms, there will be implications of acceptance and belonging. Will society still accept him if he does not behave in accordance with society’s rules? Apart from society’s expectations, there are also our expectations of him as his parents and how his peers see him. He wrote about the responsibilities of being the eldest in the family and the pressures of setting a good example for his sisters. He also felt that he had to grow up faster than if he was just an only child. As for his peers, there is a strong element of fitting in and doing the “right” things to belong to a particular group of friends. If he doesn’t fit in a particular clique, he may run the risk of being labelled a “nerd”, a “goody-two-shoes”, a “rebel”, a “misfit” or any other undesirable labels that clearly distinguish him from that clique.
If we are honest with ourselves, the issue of conformity to societal expectations at the expense of hiding our true identity still affects us in adulthood. We just become better actors with age. We play the roles of a good upright citizen, a good employee, a good spouse, a good parent, a good son and son-in-law well. We redraft and refine our scripts so that life is easier to manage and hopefully, we find happiness along the way. Is this true though? Is life really easier and happier if we conform to external expectations at the expense of stifling our true identity?
How many “should’s”, “ought to’s” and “I have to’s” are influencing your daily decisions in life? Are these thoughts liberating you or drowning you? Do you want to tear your script and take on a whole new role, one that fills you with excitement, hope and purpose?
“Inside of every one of us is that tiny seed of the “you” that you were meant to become. Unfortunately, you may have buried this seed in response to your parents, teachers, coaches and other adult role models as you were growing up. ”
After the years of conformity and pleasing the adults in our lives, we eventually suppress our true identities, wants and desires. We strive to please others and obtain their approvals for how we live our lives. We forget who we truly are and what sparks life and joy for us. Do these statements resonate with you?
I studied medicine because my father wanted me to follow in his footsteps.
I got a “real” job because no one else in my family pursued their dream jobs.
I married this person because my mother thinks she is good for me.
I gave up the idea of being an artist because I have bills to pay.
How do you reclaim yourself and your true desires? How do you reconnect with your passions and dreams? How do you start living your life as your true self? You start by taking small steps to honour your preferences in every situation. When you are confronted with a choice, no matter how insignificant, act as if you have a preference.
“What would my choice be?”
“Which do I prefer?”
“What would I rather do?”
Practice asking and answering these questions daily to get comfortable with making choices and decisions that you really want, fulfilling you at a deeper, inner level.
Another exercise for you to start rediscovering who you truly are is to write your “I Want…” list. See if you can elicit the help of your spouse, partner, trusted family member or friend for this exercise.
Make a list of:
30 things you want to do
30 things you want to have
30 things you want to be before you die
Have him or her ask you “What do you want?” for each list. Do this for about 10 minutes and you don’t have to say the items in any particular order or according to any particular category. In the beginning, you will probably start off with material possessions like cars, houses or luxury goods. However, towards the end of this exercise, you will find that your “wants” reflect your true “you”, your dreams and passions. You may find yourself saying, “I want to be remembered as a good leader”, “I want to be surrounded by my children who are happy and healthy”, “I want to help build resilience in my community”.
You find your true voice, coming out loud and clear. How long has it been since you heard it? How do you feel hearing it aloud in front of a trusted individual? Is it liberating and empowering? Do you feel a renewed sense of purpose and excitement in your life?
If you found this exercise impacting you in a positive manner and you would like to explore ways to live your life authentically, reach out to us here today to find out how we can help you in this!