Cut From The Same Cloth
“If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn’t thinking.”
Photo by Erol Ahmed on Unsplash
People often say that my middle daughter and I are cut from the same cloth. She looks a lot like me. Sometimes, people refer to her as a “mini-Jenny”. However, we are very different on the inside. The events from last week really drove this point on our differences home to me. It was another busy week for me with coaching engagements with some in the evenings and nights due to the time zone differences of my clients. I am a planner by nature so I like to know my schedule in advance and don’t like things done at the very last minute. My daughter, on the other hand, is a more easy-going, “do as it happens”- type of person. She is also a dreamer and tends to forget certain deadlines for her homework. Several times last week, she came to me at the eleventh hour to ask for help on certain parts of her homework. The timing wasn’t ideal as I had my coaching calls within the hour. I ended up being frustrated with her. I stressed on the importance of planning and preparation and told her off for procrastination and not paying careful attention to her teachers’ instructions provided to her at school.
She ended up being upset and stressed. She felt that she had disappointed me. I was frustrated and angry because I felt that if she had asked for my help earlier, we could have prevented the mad rush at the last minute when it was close to her bedtime and my calls.
‘Why can’t she be more of a planner like me?”
That thought kept coming into my mind. Then, another thought hit me. “She is not you.” Yes, she is my daughter and yes, she looks like she is cut from the same cloth as me but the reality is she is not me. We are different.
I pondered on how I can be a better parent to her, one who is more patient and tolerant. There are no easy answers but here are my thoughts, loosely tied up in the acronym “A.C.T.”
“Have a big enough heart to love unconditionally, and a broad enough mind to embrace the differences that make each of us unique.”
-D.B. Harrop, American author
ACCEPT
We all know that as parents, we are to love and accept our children unconditionally. That being said, we are still human. I love my daughter very much. I would do anything for her. However, when our differences clash and create tension between us, it’s so easy to fly off the handle. I now remind myself to consciously and proactively accept her traits as a part of who she is as a person. She’s a dreamer and works at her own pace. I know she is also very conscientious and, in some ways, a perfectionist like me too. She doesn’t intentionally procrastinate. It’s just that she works at a different pace than I would, if I were in her shoes. So, I now put myself in her shoes and see situations from her perspective.
CREATE
By seeing things from her perspective, I am better able to create an environment where she can flourish and where I can better support her. Although she is not a planner, I help her plan in that I provide her with an overview of how the rest of my day would look like and let her know which pockets of time I have available for her. It is then her responsibility to come to me for help during those times. I have also set aside time for a check-in for both of us before her bedtime to connect and to reflect on our respective days. By being intentional and protecting this time, I don’t feel stressed and hurried and she feels loved, acknowledged and understood.
TALK
We use this time to talk about our differences as well. I explained how I feel when things happen to interrupt my plans just to help her see things from my perspective. She has shared about how she would prefer to relax first before tackling her homework as she has had a long day at school. We talk about ways for her to have better focus in class and how to take better notes. We also talk about her worries and concerns and what she can do when these thoughts occur. By the end of our conversations, we feel closer to each other as we had connected at a deeper level.
“A great relationship is about two things, first, find out the similarities and second, respect the differences.”
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Are you having a difficult relationship with a person who is very different from you? Is this person your spouse, your child, a family member, a friend, your boss or colleague at work? Consider experimenting with A.C.T to see if you can improve your relationship with this person. Start with accepting this person for who he/she is and work towards understanding your similarities and appreciating the differences between both of you. With that understanding, create an environment that will foster better communication and collaboration. Where possible, talk about your differences and find a middle ground that works for both of you.
If you want to have a deeper discussion with me on this topic, please reach out to me here and schedule a 30-minutes complimentary coaching session. It’s all about taking that first step to greater awareness!
