I See You
“Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she became a butterfly.”
What comes to mind when you hear the word “recognition”? Do you feel excited when you know you are being recognised for your accomplishments? Do you shrug it off, saying that you were just lucky or had the support of your team? Deep down inside, do you doubt yourself – did you really accomplish something that is worthy of recognition?
My daughter recently received her results of a national examination. It was one of those moments in a student’s life that seems to be momentous. Her results will determine which school she is eligible to attend for the next 4 years of her academic journey. I know this poses a lot of pressure on a 12-year-old but our academic system is what it is. She was disappointed with her results and worried if she will still be able to go to the school of her choice. It was heart-breaking for me as her parent to see her go through this. I recalled having similar emotions when my son went through the same experience when he got his results of this same examination 6 years ago. He didn’t get into the school of his choice and was also disappointed. However, fast forward to today, I believe that he has become more resilient and adaptable due to this experience and hopefully, the lessons that he has learnt along the way will make him a better person.
As I reflected on what my daughter is going through now, I wonder if we have truly seen who we are and also the people in our lives. Do we really see them or do we recognise them through their accomplishments, abilities and actions? Do we validate and affirm ourselves and accept our shortcomings? I am not saying that we stay complacent and do not grow. Some of us are really hard on ourselves. We beat ourselves up when we face setbacks and failures. When we succeed, we don’t believe it or discount its significance. How can we move towards having better and clearer vision of ourselves and the people around us?
“When people are not accepting toward themselves, they are often obsessed with acceptance by others.”
- Nathaniel Branden, Canadian–American psychotherapist
The dust has settled and my daughter has submitted her application for her school of choice. Now, we wait for the outcome. As I journeyed with her in this important phase in her life, I started to think about how I see her and what I can do to see her as who she truly is.
I see you
I love it when my youngest daughter would just run up to me and give me a hug. It’s not because I did anything for her to receive that hug. It’s not due to my accomplishments and abilities. She just loves to hug me because I am her favourite Mum. [Okay, I am her only Mum!] That’s just it. She sees me as who I am to her. Her mother. Are you able to really see who you are and those around you? I know it’s difficult to see the beauty in the colleague whom you don’t quite like or a difficult family member. Try this little exercise. Imagine that person as a young child. What do you think he or she is like? What do you think makes them happy? As for yourself, can you remember what you were like as a child? Does your inner child still show up or buried away due to the pressures of adulthood? What would happen if you allow your inner child to come out and play? Would you be happier? Try it and see what happens.
I see your efforts
I see my daughter putting in hard work to prepare and study for her examinations. My husband and I affirmed her for her efforts and discussed how unfair life can be at times. We all want our efforts to pay off but at times like this, they don’t. We encouraged her to make the most of the situation and to see over time the lessons that she can learn from this. Do you take the time to acknowledge your efforts? Do you appreciate your direct report for working so hard for the project even though the outcome of the project was less than favourable? Try giving specific affirmations to yourself and others and see how that feels.
I see your journey
Life is a journey, not a destination. How often do we focus on the destinations in our lives? When I finish college, life will be better. When I get that job, I’ll be happy. When I am promoted, people will know that I have made it in life. Is this what really matters? Arriving at the destination. Do you take the time to enjoy and learn from your journey getting there? As I reflect on my journey as a coach, if I focus on the destination, I will realise that I am so far behind the other seasoned and experienced coaches and feel discouraged. However, if I focus on my journey, I will see that I have learnt and grown so much as a coach and as a person and the impact I’ve made in my clients’ lives. Isn’t the journey more meaningful and fulfilling than the destination?
Do you take the time to slow down and enjoy your journey, no matter where you are headed? I hope that you will be inspired during this holiday season to truly see who you are, also the people around you, appreciate your own efforts and theirs and cherish your life’s journey. Take time as well to release your inner child! He or she might just teach you a lesson or two that you may have forgotten!
“Life is a journey, not a destination.”
- Ralph Waldon Emerson, American essayist
L.O.A.F
“Your outlook upon life, your estimate of yourself, your estimate of your value are largely coloured by your environment. Your whole career will be modified, shaped, moulded by your surroundings, by the character of the people with whom you come in contact every day.”
The quote above hit a chord with me. We are strongly influenced by our surroundings and the people we come in contact with daily. Having been home more than usual these past 2 years due to the pandemic in a way is a blessing as I have grown to understand my children better and appreciate their unique character strengths and personalities more.
I’ve been going through a low patch recently due to happenings on the family front and also, struggles with the business. I know these are all part and parcel of my growth journey but at times, the going seems heavier especially when I find myself over-extended and not having enough rest.
My youngest daughter, whom I believe is a natural born coach (!), came up with the acronym “L.O.A.F” all by herself yesterday. She shared it with me to cheer me up. I thought it was simple and yet a powerful reminder to me especially when I am so busy, focusing on what is lacking and not recognising all that I have accomplished to date.
L - Live Positively
I guess I have been looking at my glass as half empty lately. There will be changes in my household given the current medical condition of my father-in-law so we will all have to adapt and adjust. I can also see how this is impacting my husband as he is taking on a lot more responsibilities and is also stressed. The reminder to live positively is not to disregard the challenges that lie ahead but to remember that we are still blessed with the good things in our lives. How often do we belittle what we already have when hard times hit us? This phrase also reminded me to reflect on how resilient we all are especially when we review our lives and see that we have overcome so many obstacles to be where we are today. This rough patch is not the determinant of our entire future. It is a period where we can choose to rise above it and create a positive impact on those around us.
2. Obey God
I love this reminder. I went into coaching more than 3 years ago because I believed that this is what God is calling me into, to serve Him in this phase of my life. When facing challenges in growing my coaching business, I have become disheartened and weary. Recognising that I am obeying God by taking on this path is cementing my purpose for me. It doesn’t mean that the road will get easier from here on but it gives me the energy and the strength to move forward. What is your higher purpose that you perhaps have lost sight of? How can you begin take small steps to reconnect yourself to it?
3. Always Ask
This is something I always encourage my clients to do. If you are feeling stuck in a particular situation, consider who you can reach out to ask for help. What’s the worst that can happen if you ask? At the very most, the answer is no and you are back to status quo. Imagine the possibilities if you get a “maybe” or a “yes”! Your status quo changes and opportunities present themselves to you. My daughter’s wise words reminded me that I should start thinking about reaching out to the people in my life who can help me, to make my journey less lonely. I don’t have to struggle alone. Are you in a similar situation? Have a think about seeking support from those around you. If you are curious about coaching and how I can support you as a coach, you can contact me here to book a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call.
4. Find Joy
This ties in with the first point of living positively. I am a big proponent for practising gratitude and ending each day recounting your successes, both big and small. There are successes every day. There are always events and things to be grateful for no matter how difficult our days are. My daughter’s genuine gesture of love and concern for me fills my heart with joy. I believe my joy diminished lately not because I was not practising gratitude. Rather, I was just going through the motions of writing in my gratitude journal as something to be crossed off my to-do list. I didn’t take time to connect with the feeling of gratitude as I wrote, to really appreciate and internalise the emotions of being grateful and blessed. Have you taken the time to slow down and reflect on the goodness in your life, to be energised by them and to refocus on what you want out of your life?
P.S. My daughter mentioned that she has come up with more acronyms of encouragement but has yet to share them with me! :) So, watch this space.
“You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
- Winnie the Pooh
Let's have a conversation. You’re not alone in your struggles.
Blockers!
“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
“I don’t have a choice!”
How often have you said this? I have. Countless times. We say this when our circumstances seem dire and we feel helpless. Coincidentally, I had a conversation with someone on choices earlier this week and I hear myself saying this, “We always have choices. The fact that we say that we don’t have any choices is a choice in itself.” It is easier to give up and give in to the circumstances that we are in than to see how we can improve them. Even if we cannot change our external circumstances, I am reminded of Viktor Frankl’s powerful quote, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
We can choose our thoughts, our attitude, our behaviours and our mindset.
Let’s explore this in the context of setting goals and not meeting them.
A possible reason causing us not to achieve our goals is when we are faced with unexpected barriers that we're unsure how to deal with. We may shut down and wallow in self-pity and frustration. We become discouraged. We start making excuses and convince ourselves that we were never really serious about achieving that particular goal. That it was a good to have and not something we truly desure. We allow ourselves to back off of our original plan. While this is a human and natural tendency, it's not conducive to success.
One approach which you can take to counter this natural downward progression of thoughts and emotions is to explore all those little "what ifs" and see how you can pre-empt them with possible solutions.
"What if I don't pass the prerequisite course?"
"What if I don't get the loan?"
"What if I run out of time?"
"What if the marketing doesn't work?"
"What if I just don't feel like it?"
These are all very real barriers that keep us from realizing our life goals. By planning for them, we greatly improve our chances of succeeding and experience the power of being empowered with a purpose.
What kind of blockers do you foresee?
Internal Blockers
Internal blockers include the thoughts you have about your goal, success, and how you see yourself that keep you from being successful. They include your personal fears, motivation, self-esteem, and paradigms.
"What if I just don't feel like doing my assignment?"
Possible approach - commit to yourself to working on it for at least 15 minutes. Then take a break and come back to it later. This will give you a sense of achievement.
"What if my fear of being rejected in phone calls keeps me from following through on my marketing campaign?"
Try asking a friend help you make the initial phone calls. You might feel better doing when you are not doing it alone. Take the rejections as lessons of growth to discover what you can improve on. Accepting rejections can also strengthen your resilience muscle.
"What if I find myself procrastinating?"
Ask a friend/an accountability partner/your coach to support you in reminding you spend time working on your goals. See if you can find ways to be your own accountability partner. For example, set a dedicated time each day to work on your goals and set milestones and internal timelines.
External Blockers
External blockers include barriers such as money, time, other people's reactions, resources, and results. We are not in direct control of them, but in some instances, we can still do something about it by focusing on what is within our control, planning in advance and taking those steps to improve our situation.
"What if the client turns down my proposal?"
Try thinking - if I don’t submit my proposal, I remain in status quo as in I am not working with this client. If the client rejects my proposal, it still provides an opportunity to ask questions to see how I can improve my proposal and resubmit it.
"What if I lose the materials for the conference I’m presenting in?"
Prepare for this outcome - email them to yourself as a back-up. If you need hard copies printed, arrange in advance with the organisers for this to be done. Make a copy for yourself as well.
"What if the supply of product A doesn’t arrive in time to meet the client’s deadline?"
Anticipate such delays and keep the client informed in order to manage their expectations. Work with your team to brainstorm alternative solutions. Remember that you do not need to solve this all by yourself if you are working in a team or managing a team. Leverage on each other’s strengths.
These are just some simple examples to illustrate that there is always a choice to approach the many obstacles we face in our lives. I hope that you will be encouraged not to give up hope and to learn to view your circumstances from a different lens, one that empowers and uplifts you.
If you would like to explore how coaching can help you stay on course with your goals, I would love to support you in your life’s journey. Schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call with me at this link.
“There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.”
― Shannon L. Alder
What is your choice?
Great Expectations
“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
Do you subscribe to this way of living as conveyed by Jonathan Swift? It is painful to be disappointed. We all have been disappointed by people in our lives and we too have disappointed others. We’re only human. However, to live a life without expectations - is that the answer to living a happy life? I think it may work for a while but may not be sustainable. We all have expectations, be it about ourselves or others. If we don’t have any expectations, life would seem empty. I think if we don’t expect anything out of life, it’s more likely than not, we will not have anything meaningful in life.
What are your expectations for your life? Are you excited about your future or are you facing it with apprehension and fear? For most people, the future holds too many uncertainties and the fear of what might happen tends to overshadow the ray of light that represents the life they ultimately desire. One of the hardest things to do in life is to lift yourself out of your current circumstances and step up to the level of life you desire.
We all live with an unconscious expectation of ourselves and our own lives. This expectation not only determines what we have in our lives but it also represents what we are willing to settle for. Expectation is a very powerful emotion and one that very few people ever learn to fully cultivate. Whatever you expect with certainty is what you will get in your life. Expectation is the emotional state where an idea becomes so real that you feel it even though you can't hold it yet. Expectation is like an invisible magnet that will attract into your life that which you expect. When you expect something, you activate and engage those parts of your mind and your nervous system that can empower you to think the unthinkable and do the undoable. One of the most powerful ways to cultivate expectation is to develop a very clear vision for your life.
(Read my blog post, Check Your Vision, published on 27 January 2022, on ways to have a clear vision of your goals)
Most people never even make the time to really define what they want from their lives. Sometimes, we kind of know what we want but we don’t believe we can have it so we just hope something will come along one day to change our path and our dreams will be fulfilled. Expectation, however, is a completely different mindset. It is a mindset of absolute certainty that can be consciously cultivated. To turn a hope into an expectation, you simply eliminate doubt and fear by eliminating the opposing outcome. Instead of "seeing" something as failing or succeeding, you focus on your steps towards success.
When a woman is pregnant, we would say she is expecting. In other words, she knows that beyond a shadow of a doubt exactly what's going to happen on or around the 9th month of her pregnancy. Although some of the details are still unclear, she is certain that she will have a baby and not something unknown. On an emotional level, she can already feel the connection to her baby although she can't see and hold her baby yet. What you expect for your life is exactly like that. When you start to expect for your life that which you absolutely desire, your whole mindset turns from an uncertain hoping and wishing to the certainty of expecting. The images you encourage and entertain in your mind's eye, what you say to yourself and everybody else reflects only the results you are committed to.
Most people expect the worst and hope for the best. Our cultural conditioning has taught us things like "don't get your hopes up" – just in case you might be disappointed. We've been taught to aim as low as possible. Everything above that will be a bonus. Right? Wrong! Remember that what you expect with certainty is what you will get in your life. You have to break away from your autopilot mode of living a life where you are not really happy but you are not doing anything about it. If you want to lift your life and the quality of your life to a higher level than what it is now, you need to start raising your expectations. Raise your expectations of what you are as a person and what you believe you deserve. What you believe you deserve is based on your expectations. When you lift your expectations to a higher level, you believe that better things are in store for you and you will consciously take steps to improve your life.
You don’t need any special skills or knowledge to raise your expectations. You simply need a decision that from this point onwards, you will not settle for anything less than you can possibly be. The difference between hoping for something with uncertainty and depending on something with expectation is nothing but the way you control and direct the focus of your mind. What you say to yourself, the images you imagine and your behaviour are what you can consciously control and direct but only if you choose to. If not, you will revert back to the autopilot way of living and just go with the flow of "whatever" comes along.
Great expectations require intent, discipline and commitment. You believe you can create great results. The difference between great expectations and weak hopes is nothing but a mindset; a mindset that can make the difference between living a life of fulfilment and one of desperation and frustration. You have the choice. What will you choose?
“We can each define ambition and progress for ourselves. The goal is to work toward a world where expectations are not set by the stereotypes that hold us back, but by our personal passion, talents and interests.”
- Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Meta
If this topic resonates with you and you want to shift towards having great expectations about your life, I’m happy to support you as your coach. Let’s chat - reach out to me here!
Are You Successful?
“A successful life is one that is lived through understanding and pursuing one’s own path, not chasing after the dreams of others.”
This year’s Lunar New Year celebrations were subdued for me. We didn’t have many visitors given the restrictions on the number of unique visitors per day, capped at 5 persons. It’s also my second year not being home with my parents during this season. The Lunar New Year is a time for family reunions, meeting up with family members and friends whom you have not seen in a while. I recalled that when I was young and single, the most common question which I had to answer every Lunar New Year was whether or not I had a boyfriend. My answer for many years was no and my uncles and aunts were always very worried for me as they knew that I was very busy as a litigation lawyer and deeply cared about my social life, or the lack thereof. My parents did not pressure me into settling down, which I’m truly grateful for. In a recent conversation with an ex-colleague two nights ago, I asked her the same thing about her adult children. I cringed the moment after I asked the question! Why did I ask that? It was only then that I realise how much of a hold old ways of thinking still have on me.
For most Chinese, and to a large extent Asian families, there is a structured way of looking at one’s life to determine whether one is successful or not. It starts when you are young where your relatives will ask you about your academic performance. It is very important to have good grades. I know my son is relieved that no relatives have asked him this Lunar New Year about his choice of college and future academic plans. Once you have completed your education, the questions will relate to the types of job you hold. A stable permanent job proves to your relatives that you are mature and capable of supporting yourself. I know times have changed vastly and permanency of a particular role is not one of the top criteria for someone who is looking for work today. However, I think it’s still a long way off for us to fully embrace the gig economy and flexible work. I was having a fixed mindset about my career and purpose not too long ago and it was only when I started training as a coach back in 2019 that I had my own perspective shifts.
Another favourite topic of discussion as I have earlier alluded to is your relationship status. Why are you still single? Well meaning relatives will start thinking of possible suitors you should meet. If you eventually settle down in a marriage, the next question is when will you start a family? I recalled well-intentioned aunts telling me that I shouldn’t focus so much on my legal career. They reminded me that it’s very sad to end up as an old spinster with no husband and no children. You would have thought the questions will stop after I was married. No, the focus then moved on to why I wasn’t having any children yet. It also didn’t stop after I had my son. The questions eventually stopped after my 3rd child!
I also found that there was a lot of comparison when we gathered together with extended family members during the past Lunar New Years. They compare you with their own children or people of your age and gauge if you are successful or not based on the most successful person in their circles. it’s usually someone who had studied at a good school, worked in a credible organisation and have what appears externally as a solid marriage with well-behaved children. Is this what it means to be successful?
How would you answer if someone asked you, “Are you successful?”
“Success is not measured by what you do compared to what somebody else does. Success is measured by what you do compared to what you are capable of doing.”
- Zig Ziglar, American author
How often do we reflect and take stock of how far we have come in terms of our accomplishments in life? Do we take the time to celebrate or do we just shrug it off as pure luck and move on? I came across this article which was published in Harvard Business Review in February 2004 and you can find it at this link, titled Success That Lasts by Laura Nash and Howard H. Stevenson. They had interviewed hundreds of professionals to study the assumptions behind the idea of success. They deduced from their research that there are four components to success: happiness, achievement, significance and legacy and unless you are able to touch on all four categories with regularity, you are unlikely to feel that you have been successful in life. The article helps you build your personal kaleidoscope framework of these four components to enable you to see which components require more of your time, effort and attention. The exercise is found on page 12 of the article. It will help you to frame your thoughts on success and see how your evaluations of self, family, work and community fall into each component.
After you have completed the exercise and would like to develop ways to enable you to live out your personal kaleidoscope framework more effectively, my invitation to you is to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me. Take this first step to define your personal definition of success!
Check Your Vision
“Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.”
This is the season for resolutions, goals setting, resetting our focus and planning for the rest of the year. I may be but a little late in writing this blog post but better late than never. How has the month of January been for you? Did it start off on a positive note with you being full of energy, hope and optimism? Or has it been a challenging start given the issues you were facing last year have also followed you into the new year? On the personal front, it has been a bit of both for me. I am definitely seeing growth in my coaching business and my legal consulting work is also steady at the moment. Health wise, I could be doing better and my elbow injury still acts up every now and again if I am not careful with it. It’s also been a challenging time for my teenage son with his college applications and a rushed hospital visit to have a procedure done on his feet to cure an infection. January has been extremely busy for me on all fronts. I know that I cannot keep up this pace for the entire year!
The busyness served as a good reminder to me to find time to settle down and rethink my vision for this year. What do I want to see happen by the end of this year? What would make the year fulfilling and successful for me when I arrive at 31 December 2022?
What about you?
Are you also being pushed along by the obligations and pressures of life? Are you allowing other less important things to get in the way of accomplishing what you really want? Perhaps, it’s time to do a VISION check. Just as it is important to get our eyes checked regularly to ensure that we will be able to see clearly, it is equally important to do a VISION check to be certain that we are living our lives aligned with our purpose and goals.
VIVID PICTURE
Have you created a vivid picture in your imagination as to what your completed goal will look, feel, and sound? Have you added sensory details, paying particular attention to what emotions you will experience when you have achieved your goal? Many people omit this step or they make a half-hearted attempt at it. As a result, their goal is not real to them. We get easily distracted by day-to-day events. This step to have a vivid picture of your goal takes time and thought which is why many people don’t do it. However, if you don’t have a clear picture in your mind as to what you are trying to accomplish, how will you ever attain it? Developing a clear, vivid picture is critical if you want to achieve your goal.
INSPIRATION
Do you feel inspired by your goal? Does thinking about it make you smile? If not, then go back to your vivid picture and change it until you are excited about it. Goals take effort. They often require that we change and do things that may be a stretch for us. If the goal isn’t something you really want in the first place, then why bother trying to achieve it? Connect with why you were inspired to set this goal in the first place.
When you come up with a goal, don’t limit yourself by what you think you can accomplish. Decide what you truly want. Many people have achieved enormous successes in their lives because they had big goals. When you are inspired enough by your dream, you will find a way to make it a reality.
SUSTAINED BELIEF
Do you have a sustained belief you will achieve your goal? If you don’t expect to accomplish your goal, then you probably won’t. Sometimes it takes extraordinary courage to believe, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that we will be successful. Things go wrong. Problems come up. It is easy to get discouraged. That is the time when you most need to have sustained belief. You can get through the difficult times if you believe you can. People rise to the level of their own beliefs. When you believe you will be successful, then you will eventually achieve what you set out to do.
IDENTIFY
Do you identify with your goal now even though you have not yet achieved it? We must begin to identify with the person we want to become. Once or twice each day, play the picture of your completed goal in your mind. Live your goal in your imagination and experience all of the wonderful emotions that go with it. As you continue to do this, you will find that your thoughts and behaviours become more aligned with the person you will be when you achieve your goal.
OBSERVANT
Are you observant as to what actions that are taking you closer to your goal and those that are moving you further away? When we create an action plan for our goal, some of the ideas included in it will work and others won’t. After you take a specific action, observe the result. If it is positive, then continue to do it. If you don’t get the result you expected then modify it and try again. By being observant about what is working and what isn’t, you can adjust your strategy as needed so that you will continue to move closer to your goal.
NEVER GIVE UP!
Have you adopted a “never give up” attitude? Have you made a decision that you will not quit no matter how long it takes to achieve your goal? If you don’t have this attitude, you might find that obstacles overwhelm you. They might be too difficult to overcome and there is a strong likelihood that you will quit before achieving what you want. However, when you adopt a “never give up” attitude, there is a conviction within you that will carry you through until you reach your goal.
“Goals. There's no telling what you can do when you get inspired by them. There's no telling what you can do when you believe in them. And there's no telling what will happen when you act upon them.”
-Jim Rohn, American entrepreneur
If you are interested in exploring the VISION of your goals and would like support from me as your coach, I would love to speak to you in a 30-minutes discovery call to see how we can work together.
Creating the Best Year of Your Life
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
As we look back at this year, a lot of us feel that we didn’t accomplish much. It’s like Groundhog Day with more restrictions, more uncertainties and less direction than what we were facing last year. Many of us feel that we are languishing rather than flourishing. What can we do to end this year well and set the right intentions for next year?
The following questions can be looked at once a year, once a month or whenever you're looking for some direction in your life. I invite you to take a good hard look at your life more than once a year.
You'll get a lot more out of your life if you're more intentional about the life that you're living.
These questions are designed to help you to reflect on your accomplishments this year and to formulate the new year from a clean slate. By working on the following questions, you will complete this year powerfully so you can have the “mind space” to build your masterplan for the new year.
Looking at this year:
1. What do I want to be acknowledged for?
2. What did I accomplish?
3. What did I want to accomplish that I did not accomplish? (Do I still want to do this?)
4. What did I say I would do that I didn't do? (Do I still want to do this?)
5. Who do I need to be in communication with?
6. What were my biggest disappointments?
7. What did I learn? - List 3 lessons which will make the most difference if you remember them this year?
(See them as guidelines for next year).
Changing patterns:
1. How do you limit yourself and how can you transform these actions to be powerful?
2. What do you say to yourself to explain your failures? (These false beliefs are your limiting paradigm).
3. List your limiting paradigm.
4. What new paradigm do you want to shift into? (Ideally, your new paradigm is personal, positive, in the present tense and clearly stated, pointing to an exciting and hopeful future)
5. Consider living out your new paradigm daily. Write it down in a place where you can see it often. Read your new paradigm aloud first thing in the morning and before going to bed each day.
Looking ahead:
1. What are your personal values? What is most important to you in your life? What drives you?
2. What roles do you play in your life? Rate each role on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the most important.
3. Where is your life out of balance? If you could put one problem behind you, once and for all, what would it be?
4. Which role is your major focus for next year? (In what role do you want a breakthrough performance? If you could put a check mark by one of these roles at the end of next year showing that you felt good about how you are playing that role, which one would it be?)
5. What are your goals for each role?
The following is an excerpt from Michael Hyatt’s book titled “Your Best Year Ever: A 5-Step Plan for Achieving Your Most Important Goals:
“1. Set Your Goals Set seven to ten goals you want to achieve for the year. Make them SMARTER: ‣ Specific ‣ Measurable ‣ Actionable ‣ Risky ‣ Time-keyed ‣ Exciting ‣ Relevant Make sure you focus on the Life Domains where you need to see improvement. List just a few per quarter; that way you can concentrate your attention and keep a steady pace throughout the year.
2. Decide on the Right Mix of Achievements and Habits. Achievement goals represent one-time accomplishments. Habit goals represent new regular, ongoing activity. Both are helpful for designing your best year ever, but you need to decide on the right balance for your individual needs. The only right answer is the one that works for you.
3. Set Goals in the Discomfort Zone The best things in life usually happen when we stretch ourselves and grow. That’s definitely true for our designing our best year ever. But it runs counter to our instincts, doesn’t it? Follow these four steps to overcome the resistance: Acknowledge the value of getting outside your Comfort Zone. It all starts with a shift in your thinking. Once you accept the value of discomfort, it’s a lot easier going forward. Lean into the experience. Most of the resistance is in our minds, but we need more than a shift in thinking. By leaning in, we’re also shifting our wills. Notice your fear. Negative emotions are sure to well up. Don’t ignore them. Instead, objectify them and compare the feelings to what you want to accomplish. Is the reward greater than the fear? Don’t overthink it. Analysis paralysis is real. But you don’t need to see the end from the beginning or know exactly how a goal will play out. All you need is clarity on your next step.”
“Is this next year just going to be another year, not that different from the rest, or are you going to make this your breakthrough year?”
-Michael Hyatt
Let’s work together to get that clarity on your next step and start walking towards your breakthrough year.
Speak to me before 15 Dec for a special price of my coaching program.
Born to be an Optimist?
“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Are you a “half full or half empty cup” type of person? When I searched the image library for the photo above, I typed “half empty glass” instead of “half full glass”. By default, I seem to think about what’s lacking instead of what’s available. I guess I’ve always had this in-built propensity towards planning for the worst-case scenarios. It could be due to my legal training or it could even go back to all the way when I was a child. I didn’t have any older siblings to watch over me so I always made it a point to plan for all contingencies. It has served me well over the years. However, as I reflect, if I had been more relaxed and accepting of the outcomes, I would have lived those events of my life without the anxiety and stress.
Am I born an optimist? My immediate answer would be a “no”. However, optimism can be learnt. Learned Optimism (which is also the title of one of his books) is a concept from Positive Psychology’s founding father, Dr. Martin Seligman, which argues that we can cultivate a positive perspective. According to Dr. Seligman, everyone is born optimistic. And yet, 95% of grownups are pessimists, not optimists. What happened there? Some people see the glass as half empty. Others see it as half full. But is it really as simple as that? Is it possible to be a bit of both?
How would a “half full” type of person view a problem? An optimist, when faced with a problem, tends to find the upside to the situation and starts figuring out ways to solve that problem, or ways to turn it around. A pessimist, however, immediately throws up his hands, and yells, “That’s it; it’s all over. I can’t handle this anymore.” He may also distance himself from the problem, pretending it doesn’t matter. This is denial, and it never works. Or like me, he would visualise all the worst possible outcomes and worry about each of them, feeling stressed and anxious when he is not able to come up with a solution to address each of these hypothetical scenarios.
When you think about it, it’s rarely an all or nothing situation. Most people tend to be an optimist for some of the times and a pessimist at other times. The reality is that things turn out according to how we think and feel about the situation. If a person feels like something will go well or feels optimistic about it, it usually seems to go well. The same is true of the reverse. When someone feels like something will go badly, it tends to do just that.
An indication that you are dealing with a pessimist is in a simple phrase they will use in stressful situations - “I can’t”. The pessimist is helpless, powerless and it shows in his response. The optimist responds with - “I won’t”. The optimist is making a conscious choice, not just reacting.
An optimist prefers to think more positively. They focus on what they really want, not what might happen to them.
Think about the following statements:
- Optimists achieve their goals because they never give up.
- Optimists are happier, healthier and more energetic than pessimists.
- Optimists are easier to be around, inspiring people around to be positive.
- Optimists live longer and suffer from fewer and less severe diseases.
These are all probably true just by the fact that optimists’ positive thinking makes challenging situations “not that bad” after all.
True optimism is not sitting back, thinking positive thoughts, and hoping everything will turn out all right. It’s how you see the world, positively rather than negatively. You face each situation, each problem, and each occasion with an outlook of growth and learning and you always look forward to the “benefits” you will derive from it. What is the lesson that this situation is showing me? What is the strength I need to grow here in order to handle this circumstance?
You have a choice. “Change your thoughts and change your world,” said Norman Vincent Peale, an American minister. What it comes down to is that your attitude is a conscious choice. If you choose pessimism, you’re choosing to see the down side of every situation, judge people unfairly, and live unhappily the rest of your life.
On the other hand, if you choose optimism, you’re empowering yourself to see the positive side of each challenge, seeing the good in people, helping them to see the good in life too. Taking action to further improve your own life, and living happily with friends and family who care about you. Attracting all good to yourself. Choosing to be more optimistic and positive does not mean you won’t encounter difficult times, trauma, loss and many challenges. What it does mean is that you will have more power on your side to help you through those tough times. You’ll bounce back faster and make better choices, rather than letting life just wash over you. You’ll learn to be proactive, instead of reactive.
We can learn to be optimistic by addressing the 3Ps of any given situation. As described by Dr. Seligman, a pessimist will view a situation as being personal, pervasive and permanent.
Personalization
If something bad happens, a pessimist will attribute it to internal factors. “It must be me. I am not good enough.” They’ll see that failure or setback as something that’s their fault, personalizing the outcome.
Optimists externalize instead. Their immediate thought is not to blame themselves and they consciously choose to learn from the situation and not attribute its occurrence as something they brought onto themselves.
Pervasiveness
A pessimist may catastrophize, “I did a terrible job; I’ll never be hired again – EVER.” Someone who views an undesirable outcome as pervasive will also be more inclined to believe that it will impact other aspects of their lives, too. “I am not able to hold a job. This means I am a bad person. No one will love me. My family despises me.”
Optimists will see the same incident, the loss of a job, as just that. They will not lose sight of what’s going well in their lives, for example, their health, the support from their family and friends and the opportunity to start afresh.
Permanence
A pessimistic tends to view a negative situation as lasting. “I’ll always be able to sing. I sound horrible. This is just who I am.” An optimist is more likely to say, “I didn’t sing well in the concert. I should ask my teacher for ways to improve. I didn’t practise enough this week. Let’s see how I can schedule more time to practise singing next week.” The optimist doesn’t view the same situation as being permanent and is looking for ways to change and improve it.
Here’s a short video to illustrate the 3Ps created by Fight Mediocrity on YouTube. As you watch this video, reflect on which of the 3Ps do you gravitate towards when you face a challenge in your life? Do you take it personally? Do you view it as affecting your outlook in all areas of your life? Do you feel that you cannot change your situation? I like what the creator of this video said in the end, “You need balance, otherwise you will not be taking responsibility when you need to”.
Do you have that balance or do you have a tendency to swing from being too optimistic to too pessimistic? Have a chat with me about your struggles and let’s see how we can work together for you to achieve that balance in your outlook in life.
Contact me here for a complimentary 30-minutes call.
“The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns. The pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose.”
– Khalil Gibran, Lebanese writer
Letting Go…
I’ve been thinking lately about what is holding us back from living life fully, from pursuing our dreams. I had a conversation with a friend and fellow coach about collaboration and setting goals for next year. She said, “We dream first and not worry about the “how” just yet.” She suggested that we take up Walt Disney’s strategy when he was dreaming up Disneyland. One of his famous sayings was “If you can visualize it, if you can dream it, there’s some way to do it.” Her chat with me definitely helped me see things in a different light and I’m now excited about what’s in store for both of us!
As we are now in the last quarter of 2021, when you reflect on how you want to end this year and plan for the year ahead, what mindset do you need to let go off in order to fully embrace the opportunities that lie ahead for you?
Fear of Failure
What are you afraid of? Fear will always be there and if you wait for it to disappear, you will be frozen in place. Learn to embrace failure. I always encourage my clients to think of small steps that they can take towards facing their fears as once they accomplish that small step, their confidence increases and they will be ready to take on another step in the direction of their goals and dreams.
Blaming Others
“I can’t do this because of “so and so”; “If only I had that person’s strength…”; “I am born in the wrong family/ stuck in the wrong job/ married the wrong person…”
If you keep on pointing the fingers at other people and not reclaiming the fact that you are fully capable of making the choices in your life to make a difference, you will be stuck in this spiral of blaming everyone and every situation. It is always easier to put on the blaming hat. It’s often scarier to take ownership of your life. At the same time, if you don’t “own” your life, who does?
Pessimistic Outlook
Yes, there are so many uncertainties in our world today. As a planner, I struggle with remaining flexible and changing my plans ever so often in this new world that we live in. It’s easy to fall into the victim mode and take on a pessimistic outlook in life. On the flip side, if you take each situation as an opportunity for growth and learning, there’s a chance your outlook will not be as gloomy. Certain situations are harder to convert into gifts as others so remember that it also takes time for the gifts in these situations to be unearth. Just be patient and trust that you have it in you to face the challenges in your life.
Self-doubt
You don’t think you’ll ever amount to anything. You think you don’t have the skills nor do you have what it takes to become successful. Ask yourself if this is really true. Take stock of your past accomplishments and successes and adopt an objective view of it. Ask your family and friends for their views. We are often much harder on ourselves and don’t give ourselves enough credit.
Aiming for Perfection
This is one that hits close to home for me. I jokingly tell people that I am a recovering perfectionist. My kids think I have OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder - simply because I am quite particular about having things done in a certain way which I think is the right way. I have realised that aiming for perfection will only lead to setbacks and frustration. What we should aim for is doing the best that we can with what we have and then be satisfied with our efforts. I definitely need to continually let go of my perfectionist thinking.
Waiting for the ‘Right Time’
Is there a right time? The “right time” will vary from person to person and goal to goal. I see this mindset as being tied in with perfectionism. When I was preparing to launch my business last April, I struggled with identifying the right time to start my business. After much prayer and discussion with my husband, I realised that there isn’t one right timing. It’s just to get it going and learn along the way. Now, when I think of launching any new programs or starting any new initiatives, yes, I still do the research and necessary preparation but I am also more decisive in when to start any of these ventures. As long as you are open to growth and learning, you can start any time.
Stuck in Your Comfort Zone
It is easier to stay where we are and not think about changing or rocking the boat. Ask yourself if you will regret not taking that step to change or do something new. Will you be haunted by the “what if” question down the road? This ties in with facing your fears. When you take that first step outside your comfort zone, you will soon realise that what was uncomfortable and scary for you, that’s now your new comfort zone!
“First, think. Second, believe.
Third, dream. And finally, dare.”
– Walt Disney
What mindset do you need to let go of so that you can start realising your dreams? Let’s have a conversation about how I can support you in this venture as your coach. Reach out to me here today.
I Can Do It All
“Knowing your limits is a strength, not a weakness.”
“I can do it all!”
Or so I thought. I injured my elbow last week when I was lifting heavy objects as part of my frenzied cleaning tasks at home. Why frenzied and why did I try to stretch my weight lifting capabilities? Well, it’s because I had a very busy schedule that day and I wanted to pack in as much as I can so I ignored the warning signs that my body was telling me and pressed on. The next day, my bed gave way! The support of the bed shifted so it needed to be adjusted. I asked my son to help me lift the king-sized mattress and I adjusted the plank. He wasn’t too keen and asked me to wait for my husband to return from work as it would take more than 2 people to do the job. I didn’t listen to him, given my stubborn “controller” trait so we went ahead to sort it out ourselves. We successfully fixed my bed but as a result, I have a very painful and sore elbow which I am still slowly recovering from today. Sigh…
The above quote intrigued me. How often do we read in social media to not limit ourselves? To push forward at all costs to reach our goals and dreams? I’m guilty of saying this too as I believe that when you are passionate about something and you know it’s what you’re meant to do, you are to go all out to achieve it. That being said, my physical setback has caused me to reflect deeper on what it means to recognise your limits. There is a difference in pushing yourself outside your comfort zone (which I strongly encourage all my clients to do and I’m also personally challenging myself in this area) and recklessly and blindly pushing forward towards your goals without considering the negative impact it may have on yourself and others.
“You got to know your limits. Once is enough, but you got to learn. A little caution never hurt anyone. A good woodsman has only one scar on him. No more, no less.”
— Haruki Murakami, Japanese author
What did my injury teach me? On a practical note, it is definitely essential to not rush around carrying heavy objects without being careful of your posture and to know your physical limitations. On a more reflective note, I learnt that:
The Controller is not my friend
I had let my controller saboteur get the better of me. I went ahead with fixing my bed without considering how it would aggravate my injury further. Why did I do it? I told myself that it’s because I didn’t want to trouble my husband with it after his long day at work. However, when I made myself confront this thought truthfully, I know it’s because I am stubborn and wanted to prove to myself and perhaps to my husband and son that I can do it, that I am strong enough as a woman to do a physical task most people would think as more suited for men. I wanted to control the situation and the outcome. Fix the bed when I want it and how I want it. In hindsight, this was a foolish move.
How often do we let our saboteurs get the better of our rational mind and reasoning? How many times has the hyper achiever in us told us to burn the midnight oil, keep doing more and doing better over and over again when everyone else thinks you are amazing? Somehow, you don’t think you are enough. How often has our restless nature caused us to chase projects after projects, jobs after jobs, relationships after relationships, just because we feel that we may be losing out if we “settle”? Is the grass always greener at the other side of the fence? Do we slow down enough to appreciate our own lawn and to take care of it?
My lesson from this is to stop doing what I am doing immediately when my saboteurs show up and do my PQ (positive intelligence) reps. Just slow down, get centred then assess the situation. Do I really need to carry on doing and reacting the same way? More often than not, when you are calmer and are able to look at the situation objectively, you will find a more viable solution or approach to your situation.
Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness
As I had to rest my elbow, I couldn’t do all the household chores so I needed to ask my husband and children to do more of their usual share. In the beginning, I didn’t want to do so. Somehow, asking them to help me made me feel weak. However, I knew that if I carried on being this stubborn, my recovery will take so much longer so I started asking for their help. It made me realise that asking for help is a strength. It’s my realisation that I cannot do it all by myself and that’s perfectly fine. Life is not meant to be lived that way. When I see my kids support me with their help, I know that I have allowed them to show their love, care and concern for me and that makes them feel good as well. Coincidentally, I coached a woman last week who also faced issues with asking for help and I offered her this perspective that she is not weak if she asks for help. In a way, she is empowering her team when she seeks their support as they will know that she values their individual capabilities and contribution. By allowing them to show up and help her achieve the common goals of the team, that will strengthen their team cohesion and bond. Asking for help is a sign of strength…think about it.
Rest is not laziness
I feel that way so many times this week. I know intellectually that I needed to rest but a part of me chided me in that by resting and letting others help me, I am being lazy. That is definitely not a helpful voice to listen to. What did I do instead? I chose to believe that I needed to rest as that is for my own good and that I will recover better and faster. Rest is also good for me mentally and emotionally as I cannot be working and doing things for others all the time. If I don’t take care of myself, who will? When I “break down”, how will that affect those who love me and who depend on me? I made sure I took breaks away from typing on my laptop and doing my gentle elbow stretches. I was intentional in enjoying whatever is happening in the moment and not keep jumping ahead of myself to think of completing the items on my to-do list. I was present and I was content even when my elbow hurt. My injury has really gotten me to slow down. Lesson learnt the hard way for me!
What are your thoughts on rest? Do you see it as being indulgent and lazy?
Do you struggle with being overcome by your saboteur thoughts? Perhaps, you don’t even realise that your thoughts are sabotaging you. You may think it’s just how you think. Do you find it difficult to slow down or change course to something that has more meaning in your life? Do you feel that you need to be strong all the time? Are you worried that you will be found out by others when they realise that you’re not?
Let’s have a chat about this - you can book my time here.
“Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and to learn something new.”
- Barack Obama, former U.S. President
I have a Dream
“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them”
Both my daughters were bitten by the baking bug last year when all of us were locked down at home. Baking gave them joy. They spent time looking up recipes for cakes, biscuits and macaroons online and planned what they wanted to bake each weekend. They both decided that they want to be bakers and open their own bakery when they grow up. They also assured me that when they run their own business, they will have the flexibility of time to look after their father and I when we are old and unable to care for ourselves! We will also never be without nice smelling cakes and tasty muffins for our tea time! I love how my girls think!
One of the common themes in the topics that my clients bring into our coaching sessions is their exploration of their dreams and passions. They have been putting them off because they feel it’s not the right time in their lives to pursue them, that their dreams are frivolous - a whim and fancy. However, they can’t really shake them off and there is always this nagging feeling of “What if I followed my dreams? Where would I be now?”
What's your dream? Want to give your vision a jumpstart? Let’s start with putting some thought to these questions:
What is your highest priority in this phase of your life?
What is most important for you to experience, explore or embrace at this time? Until you answer this question, your life goals will be off purpose. Unaligned with your inner passion and values, you will feel imbalanced and unsatisfied with where your life is at right now.
Consider what makes you joyful. What activities did you enjoy as a child? What are your hobbies now? When your goals are aligned with what makes you joyful and which resonates with your core values, synchronicity will kick in to open up opportunities for you as your mind is more receptive to these opportunities.
I also often ask my clients to think about their higher purpose. What is the legacy that they want to leave behind? I believe we do not live in isolation and what we do now will have a ripple effect, be it positive or negative, to all those around us.
How do you want to be remembered?
Is this your dream, or someone else's?
My daughters came up with the idea of wanting to be bakers when they grow up. I know it’s definitely their dream without any influence from me as I am definitely not a talented baker! My youngest daughter told me the other day that she can’t picture herself as a coach and asked if I would be disappointed if she didn’t follow in my footsteps. Of course, I assured her that it’s perfectly fine not to follow the profession of her parents and to discover for herself what she is truly called to be when she is older.
Are your goals your own choice, or what others think you should strive for? Do you want to look back years later and wish you had followed your passion? Will you regret having "played it safe?"
Is it selfish to go after your own dream? What joy can you give to others if you haven't given it to yourself first?
“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams”
- John Barrymore, American actor
Are you settling for less than?
Are you resigned to accepting less than your full share of love, health and success this lifetime? Have you compromised and sacrificed your dream? The reality is that anything short of living your true passions will never make you happy. I know it’s not easy to take that first step to pursue your dreams. It definitely wasn’t easy for me when I made that transition from being a lawyer to a life coach. What helped me stay the course is my belief of its purpose in this phase of my life. The focus of my purpose as a life coach is my compass.
What is your compass?
What will you feel like when you reach your dream?
Personal passion fuels a vision. Dive into the thrill and exhilaration of the feeling of living your dream. There is an old Hawaiian saying, "Where your creative attention is, so flows your life." Again, I know this is not easy. We all have obligations and commitments - “grown-up stuff”. We also often want to or are pressured to live up to the expectations of others. However, when I dig deep and reflect on how I impact my clients’ lives through coaching, I feel this sense of peace and fulfilment. That conviction assures me that I’m on the right track of pursuing my dreams.
What steps can you take today toward your dream?
Don't defer your dream. I’m a practical planner and I often see the pitfalls and worst-case scenarios in any situation, probably a skilled honed during my legal career. When I first started planning the setting up of my coaching business 2 years ago and gearing up for its launch last April, I had my fears and doubts. I’m grateful that I had great support from my family and friends.
So, set up your supports and systems around you to take that first step in materialising your dreams. Ask for help. I believe it is a sign of strength than weakness when we ask for help as we are aware that we can’t do it alone. Be open to every opportunity that presents itself. Explore with curiosity and just take that first step.
Are you telling yourself, "I can't have my dream?"
Most people don't believe they can live their dream. Either their belief system has them believing they can't make a living doing what they love, or they feel they don't deserve their dream. To avoid the pain of feeling they can't have their dream, people often keep their dream so buried they can't remember they ever had a dream.
I felt exactly that. The idea of starting a second career in my late 40s is scary. I have responsibilities and obligations to my family. However, when I tried to bury my dream to be a coach, the feeling of something’s missing and something’s not quite right in my life kept coming up until I couldn’t push it aside anymore.
Looking back at my journey, I realised that I would have spared myself a lot of that inner struggle if I just stepped into taking those first few steps towards my passion. Things fell into place as I followed my dream. I believe the same can happen for you.
Do you have that “something is missing or not quite right in my life” feeling now? Let me walk with you in your journey to rediscover and rekindle your dream and to make it a reality. Reach out to me here for a complimentary 30-minutes coaching call to begin your journey.
“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”
P.S. If you haven’t signed up to the Amplify DEI Summit, running from 27th - 29th September (I’ll speaking on the 28th!), hop on over here to get your Early Bird ticket.
You will have an amazing time learning from over 70 international speakers!
Cut From The Same Cloth
“If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn’t thinking.”
Photo by Erol Ahmed on Unsplash
People often say that my middle daughter and I are cut from the same cloth. She looks a lot like me. Sometimes, people refer to her as a “mini-Jenny”. However, we are very different on the inside. The events from last week really drove this point on our differences home to me. It was another busy week for me with coaching engagements with some in the evenings and nights due to the time zone differences of my clients. I am a planner by nature so I like to know my schedule in advance and don’t like things done at the very last minute. My daughter, on the other hand, is a more easy-going, “do as it happens”- type of person. She is also a dreamer and tends to forget certain deadlines for her homework. Several times last week, she came to me at the eleventh hour to ask for help on certain parts of her homework. The timing wasn’t ideal as I had my coaching calls within the hour. I ended up being frustrated with her. I stressed on the importance of planning and preparation and told her off for procrastination and not paying careful attention to her teachers’ instructions provided to her at school.
She ended up being upset and stressed. She felt that she had disappointed me. I was frustrated and angry because I felt that if she had asked for my help earlier, we could have prevented the mad rush at the last minute when it was close to her bedtime and my calls.
‘Why can’t she be more of a planner like me?”
That thought kept coming into my mind. Then, another thought hit me. “She is not you.” Yes, she is my daughter and yes, she looks like she is cut from the same cloth as me but the reality is she is not me. We are different.
I pondered on how I can be a better parent to her, one who is more patient and tolerant. There are no easy answers but here are my thoughts, loosely tied up in the acronym “A.C.T.”
“Have a big enough heart to love unconditionally, and a broad enough mind to embrace the differences that make each of us unique.”
-D.B. Harrop, American author
ACCEPT
We all know that as parents, we are to love and accept our children unconditionally. That being said, we are still human. I love my daughter very much. I would do anything for her. However, when our differences clash and create tension between us, it’s so easy to fly off the handle. I now remind myself to consciously and proactively accept her traits as a part of who she is as a person. She’s a dreamer and works at her own pace. I know she is also very conscientious and, in some ways, a perfectionist like me too. She doesn’t intentionally procrastinate. It’s just that she works at a different pace than I would, if I were in her shoes. So, I now put myself in her shoes and see situations from her perspective.
CREATE
By seeing things from her perspective, I am better able to create an environment where she can flourish and where I can better support her. Although she is not a planner, I help her plan in that I provide her with an overview of how the rest of my day would look like and let her know which pockets of time I have available for her. It is then her responsibility to come to me for help during those times. I have also set aside time for a check-in for both of us before her bedtime to connect and to reflect on our respective days. By being intentional and protecting this time, I don’t feel stressed and hurried and she feels loved, acknowledged and understood.
TALK
We use this time to talk about our differences as well. I explained how I feel when things happen to interrupt my plans just to help her see things from my perspective. She has shared about how she would prefer to relax first before tackling her homework as she has had a long day at school. We talk about ways for her to have better focus in class and how to take better notes. We also talk about her worries and concerns and what she can do when these thoughts occur. By the end of our conversations, we feel closer to each other as we had connected at a deeper level.
“A great relationship is about two things, first, find out the similarities and second, respect the differences.”
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Are you having a difficult relationship with a person who is very different from you? Is this person your spouse, your child, a family member, a friend, your boss or colleague at work? Consider experimenting with A.C.T to see if you can improve your relationship with this person. Start with accepting this person for who he/she is and work towards understanding your similarities and appreciating the differences between both of you. With that understanding, create an environment that will foster better communication and collaboration. Where possible, talk about your differences and find a middle ground that works for both of you.
If you want to have a deeper discussion with me on this topic, please reach out to me here and schedule a 30-minutes complimentary coaching session. It’s all about taking that first step to greater awareness!
“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognise, accept and celebrate those differences”
-Audre Lorde, American writer
Growth Spurt
“Whatever makes you uncomfortable is your biggest opportunity for growth.”
For those of you who have been seeing my posts on social media, you will know that I have been appearing as a podcast guest on several podcasts. It’s a great way for me to share my message as an introvert. I just need to do the recordings with the podcast hosts and most times, it’s like a casual one-to-one conversation. My message is heard by the show’s listeners. It’s a perfect growth area for me as an introvert! However, last year, when one of my clients suggested to me about doing a podcast, I cringed. I told her that I am more of a “words” person, that I love writing and am very uncomfortable to hear my voice or even see my face out there on video! Fast forward to today, I’m speaking on podcasts and yes, some of them have posted my interview videos on their YouTube channels. My kids find the idea of me being on YouTube hilarious since they can’t imagine Mum being out there!
It is not easy putting yourself in a place of discomfort, moving outside your comfort zone. What has been your experience on your growth as a person, whether professionally or personally? What has been your greatest challenge in this area? Are you growing? Do you want to grow? “Low, grouchy, fed-up and bored” - are these words in your current vocabulary that aptly describes how you are feeling right now? It is perfectly fine to feel this way as we all have our off-days.
However, what happens when you get a whole string of those off-days, maybe lasting weeks, months or even years? Too many of us say that we’re in a rut, feel stuck, fed-up, or bored and admit that we don’t want things to be that way, but we don’t know what to do to change. That’s the problem, when you’re in a rut, you don’t have the energy or motivation to change things for the better, and it may be tough to find the insight or resources you need to take that step out and start growing.
“Everything will work out exactly how and when it is supposed to, regardless of how and when you may want it to. Let your faith in the journey be stronger than your doubts and fears. Be patient with yourself and your growth, knowing that good things always take time. Give yourself time and space to try things and explore different paths. You will get there one day so don’t forget to enjoy the journey too.
- Nikki Banas, American author
Experiment with these perspectives to see if they increase your inclination and motivation towards growth:
Do Something Differently
Life tends to run smoothly when we establish systems and routines for things, but the problem comes when things run too smoothly and we become blinded to any ideas or choices that sit outside of our routine. All the stuff we do every day becomes the norm, running on auto-pilot, and it becomes our whole world.
Start with making one or two simple changes to your day - be it at breakfast time, your daily work routines or what you would do to wind down in the evenings. Don’t worry about what the changes are or whether they’re right or wrong, just implement a few simple choices and see how they feel.
Doing something differently or changing parts of your routine, instantly takes you out of the norm and allows you to shake off the things that make you feel confined. Step out of your routine and you’ll be in a position where you’re able to make different choices, see things differently and get a different result.
Use your Intuition
Your intuition is a powerful ally, and we all have it even though you might not recognize it. Intuition is the ability to acquire knowledge without recourse to conscious reasoning.
One of the best friends you'll ever have in life is your intuition, and tuning into it and learning to trust it is something that can have some truly remarkable effects. Accessing your intuition is a bit like working and developing a muscle, but unfortunately it can be harder to locate than a bicep or quadricep, which tend to stay in the same place.
Here are some quick tips for accessing and trusting it:
Practice maintaining a curious and non-judgmental attitude. This is the most fertile ground to tap into your intuition. Look at things and situations that you are familiar with curiosity, as though you’re an investigator or explorer seeing it for the first time.
Practice making wild guesses in your everyday life. Guess what a salesperson's name is, what a new person or place will look like or who's calling on the phone. Don't worry about getting it wrong, you're just working that muscle.
Try a few simple observation exercises in your daily life. Whether you're in a restaurant, on a train, in a bar, or out shopping, practice noticing non-verbal behaviour in others. Look for shifts in posture, eye movements, vocal tone or tempo, etc. Guess how they're feeling or what they're talking about.
These exercises also help you stay in the present moment and allow you to appreciate the current events as they unfold before you rather than mulling about the past or trying hard to work out your plans for the future.
Commit to Learning Something New Daily
It doesn’t have to be something big. You don’t have to sign up for a diploma or take on a masters program (but if you are keen to do so, by all means, go ahead!). I’m encouraging you to see the learning opportunities that each day presents. For example, I was watching a YouTube video with my daughters the other day and learnt how to make a dragonfly using a piece of string. It was challenging at first (the video showed us that it could be done in 5 minutes! but I took 20 minutes to complete it) but we were all thrilled when I completed it. It gave us the motivation to learn more craft skills using string! You could explore learning a new word each day. Perhaps, it can be completing your learning and development modules assigned to you at work. Instead of looking at it as a mandatory task which must be done, adopt the approach of wanting to do it and seeing the possible benefits that it gives you. Remember to have fun as you commit to learning and growing!
I would love to hear your experiences on exploring these ways to stimulate your motivation towards growth. If you feel that you want more support in this area, please reach out to me here to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call to see how I can work with you towards your growth!
“The goal is not to change who you are but to become more of who you are at your best.” – Sally Hogshead, American author
Feeling Stuck? Change Your Focus
“Outstanding people have one thing in common: an absolute sense of mission.”
- Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker
I noticed that when I am attempting something new, especially in my coaching business, I often hesitate. I’m the type of person who wants to know exactly what’s in store for me - the outcome of my efforts before I take the plunge. Of course, I know that’s not possible and yet, I hesitate. At times, my hesitation ends up being a block to me and I am stuck with all these thoughts of uncertainties in my head. I don’t move forward.
Have you experienced this before? We work, we struggle, we try to do everything we possibly can to move forward in our plans but it seems like the harder we work, the more stuck we get.
What can you do to get unstuck?
What has worked for me is to switch my focus from the person in the mirror to the person I want to connect/encourage or impact. I realised when I am working on something new or doing a difficult task in my business, if I keep my focus on what I want out of it, I seemed to find more faults. I am critical. I am easily discouraged. However, when I think about how my work will benefit my clients, I feel energised and excited to see it through, despite the uncertainties.
I am not disputing the fact that it is important to take care of our interests. We need to set goals, lay out plans and then do those things we need to do so that we can make some progress toward our goals. For example, we need to demonstrate personal financial responsibility and plan for our children’s education and our retirement as well as cater for those rainy days.
However, what frequently happens is that we become so over-focused on ourselves and our own personal well-being that we wind up building huge walls to protect ourselves and our interests. We lose the ability – or even desire – to see the bigger picture and the possibilities that life presents to us. We become so focused on “me” that we sometimes begin scrutinizing even the most insignificant events to determine their potential impact on our personal lives. We become victims to ourselves. We often become so busy being busy that we lose track of where we thought we wanted our lives to wind up in the first place.
One possible solution as I mentioned earlier is to change our focus from “me” to “others”. From being the receiver to being the giver. And no, I’m not implying that this shift in perspective requires major changes in the things we do every day. It may eventually lead to that but it’s not a critical part of the initial process.
No matter what you do to earn a living or keep the household moving in a logical direction, somewhere down the line, a person will benefit from what you do. Think about it. The work we do is not just to stuff computer systems full of information or help machines work better. It’s not just to bring home our salary at the end of the month. It’s not just filling out forms, nailing pieces of boards together, assembling electronic devices, hauling packages, going to meetings and the list goes on. Somewhere, sometime, perhaps sooner than you realise, another human being will likely be positively affected by what you do.
Take a few minutes to really think about the people – the individuals who will be better off, healthier or happier because of what you do. Think about how you are giving of your time and talents so that others will benefit in some way from your efforts.
When we change our focus from “me” to “others”, our work – the things we do every day – starts taking on a new significance. We are now a giver. Our life starts becoming more meaningful. We start to realise that what we do is important to someone else, that we are making a difference for that person.
“If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.”
- Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop
Are you up to give this experiment a go? The next time you’re stuck or feeling a block in a particular task, plan or goal, instead of focusing on what you want to get out of it, think about how it will create a positive impact for a particular person. See if that ignites your creative and problem-solving sparks!
If this little experiment does not bear any positive results for you and you are still feeling stuck, please reach out to me by contacting me here to explore how I can support you.
"Each person holds so much power within themselves that needs to be let out. Sometimes they just need a little nudge, a little direction, a little support, a little coaching, and the greatest things can happen."
- Pete Carroll, American football coach
Stress Busters
“Breath is the power behind all things...I breathe in and know that good things will happen.”
My peer coach and I recently discussed the importance of understanding the words we use. For example, when we were both talking about stress, we discovered that the word “stress” meant very different things to each of us. For me, being stressed meant that I felt overwhelmed with too many obligations pulling me in different directions all at once. For her, stress meant not knowing what lies ahead. The uncertainty of the unknown brings up the feeling of stress in her.
When you think of stress, what does it mean for you?
An excerpt from the definition of stress from the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary is “the overpowering pressure of some adverse force or influence”. When you are stressed, do you feel overpowered, unable to think properly or manage your emotions well? Do you feel overwhelmed like me?
Stress often manifests in us when we carry over yesterday’s concerns into our “todays”. An accumulation of this act of carrying over will almost always end up creating a high stress level situation for us. What can we do to let go of our stressful feelings and not let them overshadow our untainted present moments?
“Every day brings a choice:
To practise stress or to practise peace.”
– Joan Borysenko, American actress
Stress Busting Tip #1
Slowing down and being mindful of my breathing has always calmed me.
Experiment with this simple practice of taking deep breaths.
Resolve right now to release every thought from yesterday and be only mindful of the now…. this thought only...this breath...this moment. Take in three very deep breaths and slowly release each one.
At the same time, feel each and every concern, each and every problem, and each and every unresolved moment, begin to dissolve. You can deal with them at a later time. For now, you are only to be in this very moment.
Now go to your inner quiet place. Go deep inside to a place where you feel that you are at peace and then just relax and breathe in deeply and enjoy the feeling of being at one and at peace within yourself.
Use this special time and place to be calm. Free your mind and body of all worry, all regret, all disappointment, all anger and grief. Just enjoy this moment.
Stress Busting Tip #2
Next, think of one particular act, such as rocking your baby, taking a quick stroll, tending to your garden or listening to your favourite song. Commit to yourself to do that one simple thing every day. For me, it’s enjoying my morning coffee in the quiet of the morning when everyone is still asleep.
Practice this act of quiet and calm each day and you will see that you will regain your mental focus and inner peace. At the first sign of being stressed, recollect your feelings when you were doing this one simple thing that nourished you. Pause and take those deep breaths. Remember that if you don’t look after yourself, you will not be able to look after anyone else.
Stress Busting Tip #3
The very best thing that you can do for yourself is to eat, drink and rest – to your physical and mental health!
Stress is easily brought on by not eating and drinking properly. When you don’t get the number of hours of sleep that you need each night, you are only setting yourself up for additional stress.
Limit the amount of salt, sugar, caffeine and alcohol in your diet. [I limit my coffee intake to twice a day and am working to reduce it further.] Drink plenty of water each day and do at least some moderate exercises each day.
Apart from physical nourishment and rest, remember to nourish your soul too. Find moments of laughter in your day. It is food for the soul! I play with my daughters and we laugh a lot during our times together.
It all stems from your understanding of a balanced life. What does that look like to you? Is it to have more time at home with the family? Is it to pursue the next advancement in your career? Is it to volunteer more to help your community? Is it to have more time for yourself? Regardless of how you define your balanced life, it is important to remember that in every situation, you have a choice. The choices may be obvious in some circumstances and unseen in others but they are always there. Once you are aware that you have choices, you do not feel as helpless as before.
When you are living a balanced life and find fulfilment and contentment in your “todays”, the daily stresses will pale in comparison. Identify the particular stressors in your life. See if you can do anything to change the circumstances. If you cannot do so, what can you change or shift in your thoughts about the situation? Resilience comes from re-evaluating a situation from a positive angle rather than focusing on the negative aspects of it. Focus on what you can change and start taking small steps to implement those changes, even if it means just starting to look at your situation from a different perspective.
If you are having difficulties dealing with the stresses in your life and feel alone in your circumstances, accept my invitation to join my group coaching intake this month where a small group of 4 to 5 individuals will meet fortnightly to receive coaching on improving their resilience towards their daily stressors. Find support and encouragement from me and from your peers. To take up this offer, please book a complimentary 30-minutes call with me to find out more.
“Adversity is a call to action, and your freedom lies in taking the first step. Don't worry about the entire staircase, just take one step, and then tomorrow take another.”
– Kris Carr, American author
Reinventing Perspectives
Today’s post is different from my usual ones. I had the honour of appearing as a guest on Priscilla Nyahwa-Shumba’s podcast, Reinventing Perspectives earlier this week. The episode is titled “Is Imposter Syndrome Getting In The Way of Your Purpose” and you can listen to it here or click on the recording below.
Priscilla’s mission statement for Reinventing Perspectives is to help entrepreneurs stay in faith and win at business and that is a statement that strongly resonates with me. Priscilla and I met through an online matching platform for podcast hosts and guests to collaborate with each other called Podmatch several months ago. We connected and found a common topic to talk about that we felt would richly benefit her audience. Priscilla is a great podcast host and she took a newbie guest such as myself under her wing and made the recording feel like a comfortable chat between two good friends.
I shared my journey as a solopreneur who started my business at the peak of the pandemic in this episode. The biggest lesson that I learnt from my journey is that being a perfectionist is actually holding me back from pursuing my dreams. The reality is that nothing in life needs to be perfect as we are all not perfect. I’ve learnt to see my journey as what it really is - a journey. Yes, I know what I want my destination to be but I also constantly remind myself to enjoy the journey and to learn and grow from it.
I also share my views on what imposter syndrome is and how to address these thoughts when they show up. To me, there are two facets to viewing imposter syndrome. Firstly, it is an inward reflection of my thoughts that I am not good enough. Secondly, I fear that others will find out I am not good enough.
The first step to overcome imposter syndrome thoughts is to acknowledge and recognise that you have these feelings and fears when they show up in your life. After that, adopt a helicopter view of the situation. Mentally float yourself up and look down at the situation for an objective evaluation of it.
Ask yourself:
“How true is this?” Consider the truth of your imposter syndrome thoughts.
If you are still convinced that your thoughts are true, ask yourself another question: “Is it true all the time?”
When you persist in this deeper way of thinking, you will realise that it is not true all the time. There are instances where you may lack confidence or that you are not skilled at a particular task. That is perfectly fine as we are all created to be different and do not have to be good in all things.
See it as an acceptance of yourself and learn from these experiences.
Priscilla and I ended the conversation with my sharing about my purpose in life and how I believe that people who are positively impacted in their lives will create a ripple effect that will continue to grow and benefit those around them. I hope that you will be encouraged by this podcast and be bold to pursue your dreams!
For those of you who are keen to work on their imposter syndrome thoughts and overcome the fears that are holding them back from living life fully, I would love to hear from you and let’s work together to create those positive ripples! Book an appointment with me now!
Not Good Enough
“It is easy to believe you are not good enough if you listen to everybody else.”
Photo by Luke Leung on Unsplash
My youngest daughter, who is 9 years old this year, and I had a recent conversation about her desired occupation when she grows up. She is an avid proponent of conserving the environment and protecting animals at risk. Her favourite animal is the turtle and she often updates me about conservation efforts for her precious turtles. She is the first to remind us to recycle our plastics and reduce wastage so that our oceans are not polluted. Naturally, I asked her if she would like to go into the field of being an environmentalist or a biologist or a veterinarian given her passion for animals and care for the environment. She paused and thought hard for several moments. Her reply was, “No, Mummy, I can’t do all that. I am not good enough.”
Her reply surprised and saddened me. My first thought was whether or not I had said or done anything in the past to indicate that she wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t think of a specific incident. My husband and I do our best to be mindful not to discourage our children or cause them to doubt their abilities and potential. We often encourage them to try out new things and not to view failures as failures but as learning experiences for growth and resilience.
Was my daughter influenced by comments from her teachers, extended relatives and friends? I don’t know. She is usually a very happy and positive little girl. I probed her to elaborate. She went on to say that studying these fields will be difficult and she doesn’t think she can do it. It appears to stem from a sense of self-doubt and lack of confidence. Even at this young age, her limiting beliefs are starting to show up and framing her way of thinking.
Our conversation ended with me telling her that she doesn’t have to make up her mind yet and to continue learning about the environment and the conservation efforts happening in our world, which she is already doing. I didn’t want to attach heaviness to her statement but have made a mental note to keep encouraging her and celebrating her successes along the way.
“You are only as limited as your beliefs.”
― Jennifer Ho-Dougatz, American entrepreneur
“I am not good enough.”
Have you said or thought this before in the various stages in your life? Has this thought stopped you from doing something meaningful to you? Has this thought made you postpone pursuing your dreams indefinitely? Have you foregone opportunities due to this belief of not being good enough?
I recalled doubting myself as a coach when I was in the early stages of my coach training. I believed I wasn’t good enough when I compared myself to my fellow students who had counselling, consulting or training backgrounds. I felt inadequate. As a result, I held back from actively contributing in class as I believed my opinions wouldn’t count as much as the others who are more capable and experienced. Then, one of the mentor coaches in a lesson on beliefs challenged us to say to each other, “I am a coach”. Not a student or a coach in training but a coach. I found it very difficult to say so. He then shared with us a different perspective which made me re-evaluate my beliefs on how I saw myself as coach then. He said confidently to all of us in his class that we are all coaches. We are already coaches. It’s just that we are at different spectrums of our respective coaching journeys. He was already past the midway mark whereas for most of us, we just left the starting line. We are not running a competitive race. We are running our own marathon and finishing the journey leais all up to us as individual runners. We determine our pace, adjust our stamina, plan our route and take necessary pauses to enjoy the run.
“I am good enough for who I am today.”
How do we shift our thinking from “I am not good enough” to “I am good enough for who I am today”?This doesn’t mean I don’t strive to improve and do better tomorrow. It just means I accept myself and I am at peace with who I am today. Three things help me remember this.
Be a wide-eyed explorer
Stay curious and open to learning and growing even if you are already an expert in your field. This allows you to keep a fresh outlook to ensure that your skills are constantly being honed and fine-tuned. My husband, despite being in his profession for more than 25 years, still watches training videos from various universities and reads relevant articles and research papers published by peers to stay current on developments in his field. Taking on a wide-eyed explorer view on learning and growth doesn’t mean that we are not good enough right now. It means we are always open to improve and to learn from others. When you start to think, “I am not good enough,”; you can stop and say to yourself, “I may not be good enough to do “x y z” today but I’m gaining the knowledge and expertise to get there!”
Practise empathy on yourself
It is always easier for most of us to show empathy to others but when it comes to being kind to ourselves, to love ourselves unconditionally and without judgment, most of us find it challenging to do so. Our judging voices always tend to put us down. We are made to believe that being kind to ourselves will make us soft, unprepared to meet the challenges of today’s world. We need to be hard and tough on ourselves to stay strong. These are lies. These thoughts increase our existing stress level and make obstacles in our daily lives unsurmountable. What can we do to start practising empathy on ourselves? Make it a point to celebrate the small daily successes. Even if it was a particularly difficult day, find at least one thing which you can smile and congratulate yourself for. It can be as simple as getting out of bed and getting dressed for your morning Zoom meeting. Learn to give yourself specific praise and acknowledgments. Be proud of what you have accomplished each day. In short, be your most faithful and loudest cheerleader!
Stop comparing!
We all have a tendency to compare ourselves with others. We often take the view that others have done and accomplished so much more in their lives as compared to ours. We feel that we are lacking in so many ways. Once we start comparing, we lose sight of what we already have. We become bitter, resentful and at times, anxious as we feel we are not up to par with the rest. What stops me when I feel the urge to compare is that I remember what my mentor coach told all of us in that coaching class. We all have different journeys in life and even if there are similarities in our journeys, we are all at different stages and different paces. The important thing is that we appreciate and enjoy our respective journeys. I often tell my children that if they want to compare their abilities and achievements, to compare them against where they were at several months before, and not to compare them with the abilities and achievements of others. As long as we are progressing and moving forward, that is all that matters.
If you feel stuck in thinking that you are not good enough and want to break free from this line of thinking, reach out to me here to have a candid chat on how I can support you as your coach. I can stand in as your greatest cheerleader until you are ready to be yours!
“Loving yourself doesn’t mean you think you’re perfect or better than others. It just means you know that sometimes you have to be your own cheerleader, your own warrior... and you’re ok with that.”
— Nina Guilbeau,American author
Deja Vu
“Déjà vu is more than a fleeting moment of surprise, instantly forgotten because we never bother with things that make no sense. It shows that time doesn’t pass. It’s a leap into something we have already experienced and that is being repeated.”
Photo by Dzmitry Dudov (Dead__Angel_) on Unsplash
Deja vu - it’s the strange feeling that you have when you feel that you have already experienced what is happening to you now. The hairs at the back of your neck stand and you feel a chill. It has happened to me several times in my life and I don’t have any explanation for it. I recall situations and conversations like a memory even though I know factually, they have never happened before.
Anyway, I’m not writing about the unexplained phenomenon of deja vu here. Rather, the word aptly describes how I feel right now about the restrictions imposed on us in Singapore to cope with the surge of the community spread of the Covid-19 virus. It’s deja vu for me as the same thing happened to all of us in May 2020 when Circuit Breaker measures were imposed then. We have restrictions on our outdoor activities in terms of what we can or can’t do. Schools are closed as of today. When I first learnt of this last Sunday, I felt a surge of stress as I recalled how stressful it was for me and the kids in May last year. I know that we have gone through it before and survived. However, the feelings of stress, anxiety and frustration still came up in me so much so that when my youngest daughter saw the change in my expression, she gave me a hug and asked me to take deep breaths. Look who’s coaching who now!
I reached out to friends here in Singapore and asked them for their thoughts and lessons learnt from their experiences of Circuit Breaker in 2020 that will help them with this year’s Circuit Breaker-Lite as some have termed it as. I hope their insights give you hope and encouragement and I would love to hear your views as well. You can connect with me on LinkedIn or drop me a note here.
[I’ve kept their identities as anonymous to respect their privacy and to provide them with a safe space to share their thoughts and feelings.]
Yes, there are frustrations and anxiety but all my friends are filled with gratitude and have adopted a growth mindset towards to the current situation. They are amazing human beings who, despite the uncertainties, are hopeful and resilient …
“The 2nd phase was expected but still a dampener. However, it is for the greater good. We have to appreciate that what we take for granted, others are praying hard for. I’ve learnt to enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life, to take the chance to do or learn something new. Never let a good crisis go to waste as quoted by Winston Churchill.”
“I feel a sense of weariness that we are back to square one. However, I have also learnt to be creative, finding new things to do, and spending time doing things we have been neglecting.”
“As a self-employed entrepreneur and single-handedly managing my household, having to return to phase 2 brought some tension in my line. Nonetheless, I am thankful to be living here in Singapore, having witnessed and experienced how our Government been restlessly placing the right measures for the well-being of our people and ensuring the ongoing of the country’s economy in the fight of this pandemic. For me, the good that has come out from it and especially from Circuit Breaker last year, is to not to take things for granted and always be prepared.”
“I was kind of upset because my plans for the family was affected. However, I realise that each of us plays an important role in improving or worsening the situation. I need to be a responsible citizen in adhering the guidelines.”
“I was frustrated at first - a friend's wedding got cancelled, activities I planned for the family have to be postponed. But after getting more clarity on the new restrictions, I am thankful and I know, we as a nation, we must do our part. I'm also grateful that we have vigilant policy makers who reacted quickly to this sudden rise of community cases. It's not an easy decision to move the nation one step back so I'm proud of my government. I’ve learnt to welcome changes. For some people, they are fearful of changes and uncertainties. People generally prefer to know what is coming next so they can be well prepared. I was one of them, not know my future working arrangement whether it’s working from home or the office and when my son’s childcare centre will reopen - these uncertainties had made me very anxious. However, after last year’s Circuit Breaker, I’ve learnt to just live in the moment - to focus on the positive!”
“I am feeling quite sad because the situation had stabilized for a while in Singapore and life was starting to get a bit better, so the recent development is a major setback. Having gone through last year's Circuit Breaker, I think it has prepared me for what to expect. Therefore, I can calmly deal with the situation and adapt accordingly as compared to last year.”
“Last year was tough - I was fretting over how I was going to work and care for my children who were at home. My husband and I worked as a team and we survived the period. I got to know my children better with the extra time spent with them. For this period, I intend to read more books. One book I have just finished is “The Happiest Man on Earth” by a Holocaust survivor and it taught me that despite our suffering, we can still contribute to the well-being of others and be kind to them. This will be the mentality I hope to bring with me into the restricted phase.”
It is as though we are stuck in this twilight zone of uncertainties without a clear end in sight.
However, I am encouraged by my friends’ sharing. Their insights remind me to be grateful for my blessings, to be flexible, to keep growing and adapting to the circumstances. I’m also reminded that we are not going through this alone and we can turn to each other for encouragement and support.
What is your main challenge during this period?
If you need someone to provide you support and a perspective shift, reach out to me here to book a complimentary 30-minutes call to see if coaching is something you would like to explore with me.
“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”
— Desmond Tutu, South African cleric
Good or Bad?
“Much in life is simply a matter of perspective. It’s not inherently good or bad, a success or failure; it’s how we choose to look at things that makes the difference.”
Dr. Shirzad Chamine often speaks about the old Chinese fable of the Stallion in his keynote speeches on Positive Intelligence. The fable revolves around the life of an old farmer in a small village in China. The farmer owned a stallion which was his most prized possession. One day, he entered the stallion in a competition and it won the first prize. All of his neighbours rushed over to congratulate the old farmer and yet, the farmer’s calm response was, “Who knows what is good or what is bad?”
The neighbours left him, feeling puzzled as they expected him to rejoice and celebrate his winnings.
The next week, thieves broke in the farmer’s stable and stole the stallion. When the neighbours learnt of this, they rushed over to console the old farmer. They found the farmer looking perfectly calm and at ease and he said, “Who knows what is good or what is bad?”
Puzzled yet again, the neightbours left him, thinking that this old farmer is probably becoming senile.
The following week, the stallion escapes and returns to the farmer, bringing back several wild horses with him. The neighbours were amazed by this wonderful twist of fate and rushed over to share in the farmer’s joy. They found him again being very calm and unaffected by his good fortune, saying, “Who knows what is good or what is bad?”
Three days later, the farmer’s only son rode one of the wild horses in his attempt to tame it. The horse threw the son him to the ground and he broke his leg. The neighbours rushed over to comfort the farmer and were quite disturbed when they found him being very calm. He quietly told them, “Who knows what is good or what is bad?”
A fortnight later, a war broke out in the region. The army wanted to conscript young men to join and fight the war. However, they couldn’t take the farmer’s son due to his broken leg. However, they couldn’t take the farmer’s son due to his broken leg. This time, the neighbours didn’t rush over to congratulate him as they knew what the farmer was going to say…
“Who knows what is good or what is bad?”
Photo by Sheri Hooley on Unsplash
What is this little fable telling us? We can choose to attach a great deal of significance to the events or we can choose to not be attached to the outcomes. We can choose how we want to view the circumstances in our lives. What are your thoughts on this fable?
I had a similar experience to the Stallion story recently, albeit not as dramatic, of course. I went for my medical appointment for a thorough check-up. As with most people, I am not a fan of visiting the doctor but I knew that it was something that needed to be done for my own well-being. I was pleased that my overall results were very good. On my way back from the hospital, I received a phone call from my daughter’s school. The general office staff told me that my middle daughter had fallen from the staircase and sprained her ankle. Thankfully, I had finished my appointment and was able to go pick her up immediately. It turned out to be a minor sprain which healed several days later.
That afternoon, I learnt from my father that he upgraded his mobile phone plan to include a data package. Previously, he did not have a data plan and all our communications were done through voice calls on the phone. So, that afternoon, after more than a year since the pandemic started, I had my first video call with my parents. It was a very moving experience for all of us as I have not been able to travel to visit them since January 2020. I’m very grateful that we could finally “see” each other.
However, that evening, when my teenage son came home from school, he was in a bad mood and I ended up having a heated argument with him over chores – doing the laundry. The argument ended calmly with me telling him that his disrespectful behaviour was unacceptable and with him telling me that he was just so tired of everything. I couldn’t get anything else out from him. He remained moody and sulky for the next few days.
So, what was good or bad from the events of my day? I had my highs in terms of my medical results and my first video call with my parents. I had my lows with my daughter’s injury and my son’s attitude that evening. Do I let the “bad” discount the “good”? I admit that for a short moment, I doubted my parenting skills and wondered if I could have handled that evening’s situation differently. However, after talking it over with my husband, we both decided that there wasn’t anything else that I could have done differently for that particular matter and it was my son’s choice to choose to behave that way. If I had allowed my self-doubts and negative chatter to overwhelm me, I would have spiralled into despair and would have lost sight of the blessings I received earlier that day.
What is your Stallion story like? Do you allow your negative thoughts to take you hostage? Are you able to recognise the damage and harm that they are causing you and consciously make a choice to look at the situation from another perspective?
Do you have a Stallion story to share? Do you want to be able to accept the circumstances, both good and bad, like the old farmer? Reach out to me here to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes coaching session to discover what coaching can do for you in terms of shifting your perspectives.
“The Sage Perspective accepts every outcome and circumstances as a gift and opportunity.”
– Dr. Shirzad Chamine, author of Positive Intelligence
Push or Pull?
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.”
Photo by Meritt Thomas on Unsplash
As you think about the tasks on your to-do list today, which ones excite you and which ones make you feel dread and apprehension? What items on your to-do list have the “pull” factor, the ones that you are eager to get to? Which ones feel heavy, requiring that extra “push” from you to get it off your list?
Here’s my take on some of my tasks that fall within either of these two categories of push and pull:
Reading a 200-page document and producing a 10 page summary from it. Push! Although I have the requisite skills from my legal training to do this, this task doesn’t give me any joy.
Doing the laundry. Push! I know it is something that needs to be done but hey, if I can pay someone else to do it for me, I would!
Helping my daughters with their homework. This needs a bit more thought. On the one hand, it can be a pull for me as I’ll have the opportunity to interact with my daughters. However, it can also be a push especially when their requests for help come at a time when I’m having a busy day.
Writing my blogs. Definitely a pull! I enjoy putting my thoughts on paper (or in this case, on my website) as it is a creative outlet for me and I know I’m sharing value with you, my readers.
Watching a sitcom. Pull, although I know I can use my time more productively but I also need downtime to unwind and laugh.
When you look at the list of things below, how would you categorise them?
Which ones are “push or “pull” for you?
Having your performance review conversation with your manager or if you are the manager, conducting that conversation with your direct report.
Working on a solution to an important project for the company.
Giving a presentation to an audience of 100 people.
Planning your 2-weeks’ vacation and actually taking it!
Cleaning the backyard.
Teaching your son how to drive a car.
Hosting a dinner party.
Visiting your parents and helping them set up their new computer.
Each of us will have different answers to these tasks because we are all wired differently. Some people will be excited about presenting in front of a large audience but there will be others who prefer to visit the dentist for a filling instead of giving that presentation.
Once you have decided that the items on your to-do list are non-negotiables which means that they will need to be carried out today, how do you shift your thinking around those items with the “push” factor to be more appealing to you? What can you do to increase their “pull” towards you?
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash
Let’s take the work-related tasks. Performance review conversations, asking for a salary increment or a promotion, having a dialogue with a difficult co-worker - if these represent a “push” feeling for you, how do you look at them differently?
Consider your purpose and intention behind each task.
What do you want to get out of it? It is definitely more obvious for situations such as asking for a raise or a promotion but ask yourself, what’s the real reason for asking for the raise - is it just the money or is there something more to be considered? What does the raise or promotion signify in your life? Focus on the deeper reason and that will give you the energy needed to look at the tasks differently. If you are clear on why you want the raise, you will be able to articulate your thoughts better and even feel excited to ask for it. As for the performance review conversations and other types of difficult conversations, again, get clear on your reasons for having these conversations. Focus on the desired outcomes and also be clear on what you can or cannot compromise.
Take steps to make it “lighter”.
What small steps can you take to make the situation lighter and more appealing? For most of us, it’s a no-brainer that taking a vacation is a pull for us! However, if you are running your own business or in senior management with huge responsibilities, taking a 2-weeks’ vacation may be a “push” for you. It is hard for you to let go and give yourself a break. Think about the arrangements you can take to delegate your responsibilities, manage expectations of others and reschedule commitments. Once you have done what you can to facilitate your vacation, take your vacation and allow yourself to enjoy, rest and recharge. You deserve it! If your take on household chores is a “push”, think about how you can make these chores more attractive to you. Perhaps, it’s to elicit the help of your spouse and children or if you can afford it, consider outsourcing! If not, break down the chores into manageable chunks and have little celebrations after you’re done such as a nice cup of coffee, a 10-minutes online shopping spree or just talking a short walk in the park. Think of rewards that you will enjoy at the end of the tasks to give you the “pull’ factor.
Acceptance
By acceptance, I don’t mean a resigned acceptance as in a sense of defeat and heaviness. There will be tasks that are difficult. For example, working on a solution for that major project. It is challenging. Accepting this situation means looking at it as it is, objectively and trusting that you will eventually find a way to handle the situation, whether it’s by your own means or relying on others and available resources. The important thing is not to allow your negative emotions overwhelm you. Yes, the undesirable task has to be carried out. What do you need to do to get started? Draw up a specific plan, consider the people who can help you, leverage on your existing skills (or consider upgrading your skills) and identify available resources. Explore the task at hand with curiosity and consider all avenues without shutting them down at the first instance. Again, acknowledge and celebrate your successes along the way!
If you are currently finding a lot more “push”-like tasks in your daily to-do list and want to shift your perspectives in handling them, reach out to me here today!
Schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call to explore how my coaching can help you address your negative thoughts around those difficult tasks and find strategies to better deal with them.
You don’t have to walk this journey alone.