Legacy of Faith
“The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”
My husband’s grandmother passed away this Tuesday, 30 November, in her sleep at a local community hospital. She was 97 years old and she leaves behind 5 sons and 5 daughters, my mother-in-law being one of them and 23 grandchildren and 19 great grandchildren. My husband and I attended the wake last night. There was an air of calmness and all of us were filled with a sense of peace and awe. 3 eulogies were respectively given by her youngest son, my father-in-law and the eldest granddaughter. The common sentiment was that she was a woman of faith. She prayed ceaselessly for all her children. She only had one year of formal education and yet, taught herself how to read Chinese. Her youngest son recounted that he would hear her reading her Chinese bible softly while running her fingers along each word. He also shared that she would always tell her children that she wasn’t hungry and would be the last to eat as times were hard for them in those days. Her granddaughter shared that Grandma would always check on her and the other grandchildren to ensure that they attended church and that their individual faith walk is strong. My father-in-law shared that he converted from Taoism to Christianity because of her love and her persistent encouragement to share her faith with him.
I only knew Grandma in the later years of her life. She succumbed to dementia a few years after I married my husband so I never really knew the amazing woman who was spoken of with such love and admiration. There were times in the recent years that she had forgotten who I was and I also had to explain to her who my children were. I knew that she adored all her great grandchildren as she often played simple card games and did arts and craft activities with them. I recalled one occasion where my two daughters played a simple jigsaw puzzle game with her and she kept praising them for being able to solve the puzzle quickly.
Due to the Covid-19 restrictions, we did not visit her as often as we would like to. She also spent most of this year in the hospital. Her caregivers, my uncle and aunt, took care of her for over 23 years and more than 2/3 of that time, she was deteriorating due to her dementia. My husband and I were truly moved and touched when our aunt shared about how she longed to hear her name being called by Grandma as Grandma had forgotten her name these past few years. She prayed for strength and perseverance as caring for Grandma was not easy. God answered her prayer on my aunt’s birthday this April when Grandma spontaneously called out her name as my aunt walked towards her. It was the confirmation she needed that God heard her prayers and that Grandma still remembered who she was. Our aunt felt peace since that day.
Often, we hold people in high regard due to their successes and accomplishments in life. We often forget or neglect to recognise the simple acts of faith and love which truly signifies what a successful and fulfilled life looks like. Grandma was a simple, uneducated woman. Yet, her legacy of faith has shaped and moulded her sons and daughters, their children and their children’s children to live strong, faith filled lives, creating positive ripple effects in the lives of people around them.
The purpose of my post today is to encourage each of you to keep doing the good deeds that you do. You may be feeling discouraged and demotivated because you do not see the fruits of your labour now. Take heart that the seeds of your labour will eventually grow into trees of testimonies of your life. If you feel that no one appreciates or recognises your toils and suffering now, be comforted that God knows what you’re going through and He will meet your every need. Even if you are not a believer, know that your efforts in taking care of your elderly parent or ill child will be rewarded in the later years. Reflect on the legacy that you want to leave behind. What do you want your eulogy to be?
My hope for each of you is that as we wind down this year, you will be able to spend time with your loved ones, creating last memories of love and joy, to last for the years to come.
“The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.”
-Unknown
Cut From The Same Cloth
“If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn’t thinking.”
Photo by Erol Ahmed on Unsplash
People often say that my middle daughter and I are cut from the same cloth. She looks a lot like me. Sometimes, people refer to her as a “mini-Jenny”. However, we are very different on the inside. The events from last week really drove this point on our differences home to me. It was another busy week for me with coaching engagements with some in the evenings and nights due to the time zone differences of my clients. I am a planner by nature so I like to know my schedule in advance and don’t like things done at the very last minute. My daughter, on the other hand, is a more easy-going, “do as it happens”- type of person. She is also a dreamer and tends to forget certain deadlines for her homework. Several times last week, she came to me at the eleventh hour to ask for help on certain parts of her homework. The timing wasn’t ideal as I had my coaching calls within the hour. I ended up being frustrated with her. I stressed on the importance of planning and preparation and told her off for procrastination and not paying careful attention to her teachers’ instructions provided to her at school.
She ended up being upset and stressed. She felt that she had disappointed me. I was frustrated and angry because I felt that if she had asked for my help earlier, we could have prevented the mad rush at the last minute when it was close to her bedtime and my calls.
‘Why can’t she be more of a planner like me?”
That thought kept coming into my mind. Then, another thought hit me. “She is not you.” Yes, she is my daughter and yes, she looks like she is cut from the same cloth as me but the reality is she is not me. We are different.
I pondered on how I can be a better parent to her, one who is more patient and tolerant. There are no easy answers but here are my thoughts, loosely tied up in the acronym “A.C.T.”
“Have a big enough heart to love unconditionally, and a broad enough mind to embrace the differences that make each of us unique.”
-D.B. Harrop, American author
ACCEPT
We all know that as parents, we are to love and accept our children unconditionally. That being said, we are still human. I love my daughter very much. I would do anything for her. However, when our differences clash and create tension between us, it’s so easy to fly off the handle. I now remind myself to consciously and proactively accept her traits as a part of who she is as a person. She’s a dreamer and works at her own pace. I know she is also very conscientious and, in some ways, a perfectionist like me too. She doesn’t intentionally procrastinate. It’s just that she works at a different pace than I would, if I were in her shoes. So, I now put myself in her shoes and see situations from her perspective.
CREATE
By seeing things from her perspective, I am better able to create an environment where she can flourish and where I can better support her. Although she is not a planner, I help her plan in that I provide her with an overview of how the rest of my day would look like and let her know which pockets of time I have available for her. It is then her responsibility to come to me for help during those times. I have also set aside time for a check-in for both of us before her bedtime to connect and to reflect on our respective days. By being intentional and protecting this time, I don’t feel stressed and hurried and she feels loved, acknowledged and understood.
TALK
We use this time to talk about our differences as well. I explained how I feel when things happen to interrupt my plans just to help her see things from my perspective. She has shared about how she would prefer to relax first before tackling her homework as she has had a long day at school. We talk about ways for her to have better focus in class and how to take better notes. We also talk about her worries and concerns and what she can do when these thoughts occur. By the end of our conversations, we feel closer to each other as we had connected at a deeper level.
“A great relationship is about two things, first, find out the similarities and second, respect the differences.”
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Are you having a difficult relationship with a person who is very different from you? Is this person your spouse, your child, a family member, a friend, your boss or colleague at work? Consider experimenting with A.C.T to see if you can improve your relationship with this person. Start with accepting this person for who he/she is and work towards understanding your similarities and appreciating the differences between both of you. With that understanding, create an environment that will foster better communication and collaboration. Where possible, talk about your differences and find a middle ground that works for both of you.
If you want to have a deeper discussion with me on this topic, please reach out to me here and schedule a 30-minutes complimentary coaching session. It’s all about taking that first step to greater awareness!
“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognise, accept and celebrate those differences”
-Audre Lorde, American writer
Smell the Oranges
“If you don’t stop to smell the roses every once in a while, you will eventually become a thorn in your own side.”
Stop and smell the roses, or in my recent experience, smell the oranges! My youngest daughter took pains to carefully peel 2 mandarin oranges and lovingly arranged them on a plate as seen in the photo. She brought them to me during a busy work afternoon to share the oranges with me. She knew I was working hard and thought I needed a break. When I saw the slices of mandarin oranges beautifully arranged by my daughter, my heart melted and I immediately stopped looking at the document in my laptop. We then had a nice 20 minutes just eating the oranges and talking about how our respective mornings went. It was a beautiful moment of connection and bonding between me and my daughter. It happened because she noticed that I needed a “pick-me-up” and acted on it by following her heart. It happened because I made a conscious decision to stop what I was doing and slowed down to focus all my attention on her. She even asked me if I was going to use the photo for one of my blog posts and my answer was a definite “yes”!
So, here we are…
How busy is your life today? What is your immediate response if there is an interruption in the middle of your busy day? Do you welcome it if it comes from someone you love and hold close to your heart? Are you easily irritated or annoyed by that interruption? Do you have a long to-do list which seems to grow by the day? Do you feel like a hamster running on a wheel, unable to step off it for the fear that everything will fall apart if you do?
A friend shared the other day that when she is not feeling good in herself i.e., not at peace within herself, the smallest challenges or issues can blow up into unmanageable problems. However, when she is feeling that she is in a good place, mentally, emotionally and physically, these same challenges are actually very manageable. She is able to see the solutions and take the necessary steps towards them. If she is not in a good place, she feels trapped in her head and can’t really see any breakthrough in her circumstances.
We then talked about self-care. She has been feeling stressed and stretched lately with responsibilities and commitments at home and at work. She candidly said that she couldn’t recall the last time she spent any time doing something she enjoyed by herself.
What is self-care?
I came across this article published in PsychCentral titled “What Self-Care is — and What It Isn’t” written by Raphailia Michael and medically reviewed by the Scientific Advisory Board, where she defined self-care as “any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health”. It’s also important to know what self-care is not. It is not a selfish act. It is not something forced although we have to make it a point to do it e.g., like scheduling self-care time in our busy schedules and committing to keep our self-care “appointments”. Not to move them around if we have other more pressing things to tend to. If we don’t look after ourselves, who will?
“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
Photo by Heidi Kaden on Unsplash
Have you done anything recently that rejuvenates you? Have you actively sought to recharge your batteries? Do you have something that you look forward to on a daily basis? How do you feel after you have tended to yourself? Are there lingering feelings of guilt? Do you feel that self-care is a luxury and that there has been too much hype around it?
The benefits of self-care can be divided into 3 categories:
Physical - by committing to look after your body and tending to its needs, you will become healthier. This would include regular exercise, sufficient sleep and listening to your body especially when you feel tension or pain.
Mental - by recognising that you have negative thoughts but choosing not to let those thoughts overwhelm you. Have a healthy outlook in life and look for opportunities for self-improvement and personal growth. Invest in your mental development, both personally and professionally.
Emotional - by committing to accept that emotions do not form who you are. They are just emotions, feelings and again, you have a choice not to succumb to the emotions. Make time for relaxing activities to soothe the mind and body.
For me, simple things like a cup of coffee when the house is quiet in the morning starts my day on a calm, peaceful note. Writing provides me with an outlet to process my thoughts and emotions and it also gives me great joy. I enjoy exercising with my children and we have a lot of fun while we’re at it. I write in my journal every night before bedtime. Over the weekends, I watch comedies or movies with my husband. Yes, these are small simple things and yet, I know that something is not quite right when I don’t do them.
Have you considered how you’re doing with your own self-care routine? Drop me a note here if you want to take a self-care quiz to find out the current level of your self-care. If you would like to explore how coaching can help you achieve a better balance in your life, book a free 30-minutes call with me to find out more.
“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.”
Water Off A Duck’s Back
“Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.” - Elvis Presley, American singer
Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash
Water off a duck’s back. What does this idiom mean? Cambridge Dictionary explained that if criticisms and insults are like water off a duck’s back to you, these hurtful words will have no effect on you. Wouldn’t that be great? If only we have a secret tool to insulate ourselves from all the hurt and pain caused by the criticisms we receive. Imagine the peace and serenity we will enjoy!
The reality is that we will always receive criticisms. People have a tendency to spot what is lacking in us and often point it out to us without thinking of the impact of their words. Some even believe that by criticising us, they are actually helping us because if we do not know our shortcomings, how are we to improve?
My elder daughter was sharing about what one of her classmates said to her during her physical education class last week. They were having a friendly skipping competition and her classmate criticised her for not being skilful at “double dutch” - that’s jumping in between 2 rotating skipping ropes in opposite directions simultaneously. She told my daughter that if she couldn’t do that, they will lose and they didn’t want her in the team. My daughter was obviously upset by this statement and her classmate’s words affected her performance that day. What happened with that competition? They didn’t win but from what I understood from my daughter, it wasn’t just due to her not doing the double dutch move properly but that another team was more skilful. Nevertheless, this episode left a bitter aftertaste and my daughter now keeps a distance from her classmate
I’m sure we have all experienced similar instances in our lives. The unduly harsh comments dished out to us by our manager when we didn’t deliver the assignment as per his expectations. The snide remarks said in passing by a family member which seemed uncalled for to us. The hurtful words said in the heat of the moment when our spouse was angry with us. The impact of these words lasts. They affect the way we view these relationships if we don’t do something proactive about it.
So, what can we do?
“Often those that criticize others reveal what he himself lacks.”
-- Shannon L. Alder, American author
Do nothing
We decide not to do anything, telling ourselves that we cannot change the person and just accept what was said. However, this also means that the relationship remains the same and the person may not even be aware that we were hurt by his/her words. If we do not deal with our unresolved emotions, we will eventually become resentful and may even bear a grudge against that person.
Walk away
We decide to end the relationship. Cease all communication with the person and distance ourselves. That is what my daughter is attempting to do with her classmate although practically, it is not workable given that they are still classmates. We may not be able to walk away more so when the relationship in question is with a family member or a close friend. We may also lose out on the gifts and joys of that relationship if we give up on it simply because we are hurt.
Take a step back
You realise that you don’t want the relationship to remain at status quo and you can’t walk away from it either. So, what do you do? You take a step back to re-evaluate the relationship. What can you do that is within your control to improve the relationship? If the person has a tendency of criticising you harshly and is not open to listen to your perspective, consider if you want to improve this relationship or decide to create boundaries with this person?
If you wish to improve this relationship, firstly, think about how you can mend your hurt feelings and to deal with any unresolved emotions. Then, consider the best way to communicate your hurt feelings to this person. Avoid coming from a place of blame. Express yourself by using “I” words e.g. “When you said ______, I felt _________.” Ask the person for the reason and intention behind those hurtful words. Be prepared that the person may not be willing to communicate openly. If you reach a stone wall in communicating with this person, you will then have to decide if you have done all that you can to improve the relationship.
If you decide to create boundaries with this person, articulate clearly in your mind the behaviours you can accept and tolerate and those that are not acceptable. If possible, communicate your boundaries with this person for mutual understanding. You may also consider taking some time apart if the circumstances allow it.
When you have more time to reflect, look at this person from a strength’s perspective. What are his/her strengths that you appreciate and admire? Consider whether the hurtful words said were part of a pattern or a one-off incident. Are you judging the situation or are you able to look at it objectively? How important is this relationship to you?
We are human and we have the tendency to hurt those closest to us. The important thing is to understand your needs, the other person’s needs and the common ground between the two which will allow the relationship to thrive. Remember to be kind to yourself as well as to the other person.
I leave you with this quote from Bernard Baruch, an American financier:
“One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before going to bed.”
Is the relationship worth salvaging despite the hurtful words said? If yes, will you be willing to forgive?
Drop me a note here if you want to explore how my one-to-one coaching sessions can help you manage your emotions during difficult times and improve your relationships.