Not Good Enough
“It is easy to believe you are not good enough if you listen to everybody else.”
Photo by Luke Leung on Unsplash
My youngest daughter, who is 9 years old this year, and I had a recent conversation about her desired occupation when she grows up. She is an avid proponent of conserving the environment and protecting animals at risk. Her favourite animal is the turtle and she often updates me about conservation efforts for her precious turtles. She is the first to remind us to recycle our plastics and reduce wastage so that our oceans are not polluted. Naturally, I asked her if she would like to go into the field of being an environmentalist or a biologist or a veterinarian given her passion for animals and care for the environment. She paused and thought hard for several moments. Her reply was, “No, Mummy, I can’t do all that. I am not good enough.”
Her reply surprised and saddened me. My first thought was whether or not I had said or done anything in the past to indicate that she wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t think of a specific incident. My husband and I do our best to be mindful not to discourage our children or cause them to doubt their abilities and potential. We often encourage them to try out new things and not to view failures as failures but as learning experiences for growth and resilience.
Was my daughter influenced by comments from her teachers, extended relatives and friends? I don’t know. She is usually a very happy and positive little girl. I probed her to elaborate. She went on to say that studying these fields will be difficult and she doesn’t think she can do it. It appears to stem from a sense of self-doubt and lack of confidence. Even at this young age, her limiting beliefs are starting to show up and framing her way of thinking.
Our conversation ended with me telling her that she doesn’t have to make up her mind yet and to continue learning about the environment and the conservation efforts happening in our world, which she is already doing. I didn’t want to attach heaviness to her statement but have made a mental note to keep encouraging her and celebrating her successes along the way.
“You are only as limited as your beliefs.”
― Jennifer Ho-Dougatz, American entrepreneur
“I am not good enough.”
Have you said or thought this before in the various stages in your life? Has this thought stopped you from doing something meaningful to you? Has this thought made you postpone pursuing your dreams indefinitely? Have you foregone opportunities due to this belief of not being good enough?
I recalled doubting myself as a coach when I was in the early stages of my coach training. I believed I wasn’t good enough when I compared myself to my fellow students who had counselling, consulting or training backgrounds. I felt inadequate. As a result, I held back from actively contributing in class as I believed my opinions wouldn’t count as much as the others who are more capable and experienced. Then, one of the mentor coaches in a lesson on beliefs challenged us to say to each other, “I am a coach”. Not a student or a coach in training but a coach. I found it very difficult to say so. He then shared with us a different perspective which made me re-evaluate my beliefs on how I saw myself as coach then. He said confidently to all of us in his class that we are all coaches. We are already coaches. It’s just that we are at different spectrums of our respective coaching journeys. He was already past the midway mark whereas for most of us, we just left the starting line. We are not running a competitive race. We are running our own marathon and finishing the journey leais all up to us as individual runners. We determine our pace, adjust our stamina, plan our route and take necessary pauses to enjoy the run.
“I am good enough for who I am today.”
How do we shift our thinking from “I am not good enough” to “I am good enough for who I am today”?This doesn’t mean I don’t strive to improve and do better tomorrow. It just means I accept myself and I am at peace with who I am today. Three things help me remember this.
Be a wide-eyed explorer
Stay curious and open to learning and growing even if you are already an expert in your field. This allows you to keep a fresh outlook to ensure that your skills are constantly being honed and fine-tuned. My husband, despite being in his profession for more than 25 years, still watches training videos from various universities and reads relevant articles and research papers published by peers to stay current on developments in his field. Taking on a wide-eyed explorer view on learning and growth doesn’t mean that we are not good enough right now. It means we are always open to improve and to learn from others. When you start to think, “I am not good enough,”; you can stop and say to yourself, “I may not be good enough to do “x y z” today but I’m gaining the knowledge and expertise to get there!”
Practise empathy on yourself
It is always easier for most of us to show empathy to others but when it comes to being kind to ourselves, to love ourselves unconditionally and without judgment, most of us find it challenging to do so. Our judging voices always tend to put us down. We are made to believe that being kind to ourselves will make us soft, unprepared to meet the challenges of today’s world. We need to be hard and tough on ourselves to stay strong. These are lies. These thoughts increase our existing stress level and make obstacles in our daily lives unsurmountable. What can we do to start practising empathy on ourselves? Make it a point to celebrate the small daily successes. Even if it was a particularly difficult day, find at least one thing which you can smile and congratulate yourself for. It can be as simple as getting out of bed and getting dressed for your morning Zoom meeting. Learn to give yourself specific praise and acknowledgments. Be proud of what you have accomplished each day. In short, be your most faithful and loudest cheerleader!
Stop comparing!
We all have a tendency to compare ourselves with others. We often take the view that others have done and accomplished so much more in their lives as compared to ours. We feel that we are lacking in so many ways. Once we start comparing, we lose sight of what we already have. We become bitter, resentful and at times, anxious as we feel we are not up to par with the rest. What stops me when I feel the urge to compare is that I remember what my mentor coach told all of us in that coaching class. We all have different journeys in life and even if there are similarities in our journeys, we are all at different stages and different paces. The important thing is that we appreciate and enjoy our respective journeys. I often tell my children that if they want to compare their abilities and achievements, to compare them against where they were at several months before, and not to compare them with the abilities and achievements of others. As long as we are progressing and moving forward, that is all that matters.
If you feel stuck in thinking that you are not good enough and want to break free from this line of thinking, reach out to me here to have a candid chat on how I can support you as your coach. I can stand in as your greatest cheerleader until you are ready to be yours!
