Let It Go
“Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise so I am changing myself.”
My elder daughter asked me a question earlier this week. “Mummy, do you know why you should never let Elsa hold your balloon?” It wasn’t a difficult question for me to answer given that the girls in this family are big fans of the Disney cartoon, Frozen. My answer to her was, “Yes, because she will always let it go!”
Jokes aside (and I thought it was a good one that she came up with), I find it difficult to let go of certain things - be it physical things or mental notes and emotions. We all have this tendency to hold on to things, for one reason or another. It could be for sentimental reasons, for the fear of losing something valuable that we cannot recover at a later time, for security reasons and many more. The truth is that we can easily come up with a reason to justify us holding on to something. So, why should we let go and when will we know it’s time to let go?
“You can only lose what you cling to.”
- Buddha
I came across this saying by Buddha in a social media post. It made me reflect on the aspects of letting go from a parent’s perspective. I am learning to let go for the sake of my children’s growth. My elder daughter is now in a new school and is adjusting to the school’s new schedule. She has a lot more on her plate this year. I stop myself from helping her manage her schedule and planning for the day ahead. It’s not easy for me as the protective side of me wants to ensure that she has everything in order and is well prepared. However, if I step in and help her organise, how will she be independent and learn the importance of being responsible for herself?
As for my son, he opened his first bank account two days ago. All along, we have a joint bank account where I manage his savings and earnings from his part time job last year. He wanted his own account to manage his funds independently. It gives him a sense of ownership and freedom as he will not need my permission to spend his money. I held off helping him open his bank account for some time as part of me feels that he is not ready to be that independent. Who am I kidding? Even if he is not ready, he will have to learn the nuances of handling money. The longer I put it off, the longer I am keeping him from learning these important lessons in life.
So, taking the analogy from my experiences as a parent, a sure sign that you need to let go is when by holding on to a particular way of thinking, behaving or acting is not encouraging the other person to grow. By holding on, you are actually making the person more dependent on you and there is no compulsion or incentive for that person to cut loose from you. That’s when you know you need to let go and extend trust to the other person. This could be in the form of a parent-child relationship, a manager-employee relationship or any relationships where one person is more dependent on the other. It would not be easy but when you see the person grow, you will know you did the right thing for that person.
“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”
- Raymond Lindquist
Another indication that you might need to explore letting go of a particular situation be it career options or life circumstances is when you feel that you are in your comfort zone for too long. There is a difference between being good at what you do and finding ease and fulfilment in it and stagnating in your comfort zone because it is safe and you are fearful of the unknown. If you are feeling the latter, then it’s time to figure out what is it that you really want out of your career and/or life. As I reflected on my legal career, it was challenging when I first started out as a trial attorney and I enjoyed it. However, as the years passed, there came a point where I found legal work easier and “safe” but it wasn’t fulfilling anymore. I felt that there was something missing in my life. That’s when I started exploring what my higher purpose in life is and fell in love with coaching.
Is there a situation in your life where you would like to improve? However, you are not doing it because it is easier, safer and comfortable just to remain as you are. Ask yourself, “If this is all there is to my life, am I fulfilled?”
Your honest answer will give you insight on what you need to let go of and start exploring new opportunities or shifts in your thinking and beliefs.
Coincidentally, I wrote an earlier blog post titled Letting Go in October 2021 on the mindsets you might want to let go of in order to fully embrace your highest potential in life - https://www.riverlifecoaching.com/blog/lettinggo - go check it out!
Another area of our lives to consider the need to let go is in our way of handling expectations. It’s not wrong to have expectations of yourself and others because that is how we keep ourselves and others accountable and achieve high standards of excellence in all that we do. The issue arises when we have unrealistic expectations of others. For example, first time managers who are strong individual contributors have a tendency to gauge the performance of their direct reports through the lenses of themselves, meaning that they benchmark the performance of their direct reports against how they would have done the tasks themselves. The “letting go” part here is when there is a shift in mindset in recognising that their direct reports are at different stages of their experience and technical know-how as compared to their own level of expertise. When managers start to let go and empower their people to take ownership of their tasks and responsibilities with clear and agreed mutual expectations, this will enable their people to grow and mature in their roles and the managers to take on more strategic challenges required at their level.
On a more personal level, letting go also means accepting that the other person’s way of thinking and beliefs are not the same as yours and your responsibility is not to change their thinking to be the same as yours but to understand them and to see how you can work and live with them collaboratively. For example, my thinking around spending is very different from my husband’s. He was brought up by frugal parents whereas I tend to have a more relaxed approach about spending. I recalled in our earlier years of marriage, we had arguments about what we should spend our money on and the reasons for doing so. Over the years, I’ve learnt to accept that his outlook on money is embedded in his internal rule system and the more that I try to change that system, the stronger the resistance I face. By letting go and accepting that this is who he is, I have learnt to understand his way of thinking and through open and honest communication, we have both worked to agree on ways to handle money that sit well with both our belief systems. It’s not easy but it’s definitely better than forcing each other to change when we are not willing to yet.
When you think of your work and personal relationships, what areas do you face heaviness and frustration? Identify those areas and ask yourself, “Would letting go of the way I am viewing these areas help in fostering a better relationship with this person?” It starts with deep understanding of why we think and behave the way we do and then getting curious about why the other person thinks or behave the way they do.
If you require support from a coach in any of these areas of letting go - for the sake of growth, to find your highest potential in life and to have better relationships, I’m happy to have a complimentary 30-minutes call with you to explore how we can work together. Just click here.
“The greatest step towards a life of simplicity is to learn to let go.”
– Steve Maraboli
L.O.A.F
“Your outlook upon life, your estimate of yourself, your estimate of your value are largely coloured by your environment. Your whole career will be modified, shaped, moulded by your surroundings, by the character of the people with whom you come in contact every day.”
The quote above hit a chord with me. We are strongly influenced by our surroundings and the people we come in contact with daily. Having been home more than usual these past 2 years due to the pandemic in a way is a blessing as I have grown to understand my children better and appreciate their unique character strengths and personalities more.
I’ve been going through a low patch recently due to happenings on the family front and also, struggles with the business. I know these are all part and parcel of my growth journey but at times, the going seems heavier especially when I find myself over-extended and not having enough rest.
My youngest daughter, whom I believe is a natural born coach (!), came up with the acronym “L.O.A.F” all by herself yesterday. She shared it with me to cheer me up. I thought it was simple and yet a powerful reminder to me especially when I am so busy, focusing on what is lacking and not recognising all that I have accomplished to date.
L - Live Positively
I guess I have been looking at my glass as half empty lately. There will be changes in my household given the current medical condition of my father-in-law so we will all have to adapt and adjust. I can also see how this is impacting my husband as he is taking on a lot more responsibilities and is also stressed. The reminder to live positively is not to disregard the challenges that lie ahead but to remember that we are still blessed with the good things in our lives. How often do we belittle what we already have when hard times hit us? This phrase also reminded me to reflect on how resilient we all are especially when we review our lives and see that we have overcome so many obstacles to be where we are today. This rough patch is not the determinant of our entire future. It is a period where we can choose to rise above it and create a positive impact on those around us.
2. Obey God
I love this reminder. I went into coaching more than 3 years ago because I believed that this is what God is calling me into, to serve Him in this phase of my life. When facing challenges in growing my coaching business, I have become disheartened and weary. Recognising that I am obeying God by taking on this path is cementing my purpose for me. It doesn’t mean that the road will get easier from here on but it gives me the energy and the strength to move forward. What is your higher purpose that you perhaps have lost sight of? How can you begin take small steps to reconnect yourself to it?
3. Always Ask
This is something I always encourage my clients to do. If you are feeling stuck in a particular situation, consider who you can reach out to ask for help. What’s the worst that can happen if you ask? At the very most, the answer is no and you are back to status quo. Imagine the possibilities if you get a “maybe” or a “yes”! Your status quo changes and opportunities present themselves to you. My daughter’s wise words reminded me that I should start thinking about reaching out to the people in my life who can help me, to make my journey less lonely. I don’t have to struggle alone. Are you in a similar situation? Have a think about seeking support from those around you. If you are curious about coaching and how I can support you as a coach, you can contact me here to book a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call.
4. Find Joy
This ties in with the first point of living positively. I am a big proponent for practising gratitude and ending each day recounting your successes, both big and small. There are successes every day. There are always events and things to be grateful for no matter how difficult our days are. My daughter’s genuine gesture of love and concern for me fills my heart with joy. I believe my joy diminished lately not because I was not practising gratitude. Rather, I was just going through the motions of writing in my gratitude journal as something to be crossed off my to-do list. I didn’t take time to connect with the feeling of gratitude as I wrote, to really appreciate and internalise the emotions of being grateful and blessed. Have you taken the time to slow down and reflect on the goodness in your life, to be energised by them and to refocus on what you want out of your life?
P.S. My daughter mentioned that she has come up with more acronyms of encouragement but has yet to share them with me! :) So, watch this space.
“You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
- Winnie the Pooh
Let's have a conversation. You’re not alone in your struggles.
Blockers!
“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
“I don’t have a choice!”
How often have you said this? I have. Countless times. We say this when our circumstances seem dire and we feel helpless. Coincidentally, I had a conversation with someone on choices earlier this week and I hear myself saying this, “We always have choices. The fact that we say that we don’t have any choices is a choice in itself.” It is easier to give up and give in to the circumstances that we are in than to see how we can improve them. Even if we cannot change our external circumstances, I am reminded of Viktor Frankl’s powerful quote, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
We can choose our thoughts, our attitude, our behaviours and our mindset.
Let’s explore this in the context of setting goals and not meeting them.
A possible reason causing us not to achieve our goals is when we are faced with unexpected barriers that we're unsure how to deal with. We may shut down and wallow in self-pity and frustration. We become discouraged. We start making excuses and convince ourselves that we were never really serious about achieving that particular goal. That it was a good to have and not something we truly desure. We allow ourselves to back off of our original plan. While this is a human and natural tendency, it's not conducive to success.
One approach which you can take to counter this natural downward progression of thoughts and emotions is to explore all those little "what ifs" and see how you can pre-empt them with possible solutions.
"What if I don't pass the prerequisite course?"
"What if I don't get the loan?"
"What if I run out of time?"
"What if the marketing doesn't work?"
"What if I just don't feel like it?"
These are all very real barriers that keep us from realizing our life goals. By planning for them, we greatly improve our chances of succeeding and experience the power of being empowered with a purpose.
What kind of blockers do you foresee?
Internal Blockers
Internal blockers include the thoughts you have about your goal, success, and how you see yourself that keep you from being successful. They include your personal fears, motivation, self-esteem, and paradigms.
"What if I just don't feel like doing my assignment?"
Possible approach - commit to yourself to working on it for at least 15 minutes. Then take a break and come back to it later. This will give you a sense of achievement.
"What if my fear of being rejected in phone calls keeps me from following through on my marketing campaign?"
Try asking a friend help you make the initial phone calls. You might feel better doing when you are not doing it alone. Take the rejections as lessons of growth to discover what you can improve on. Accepting rejections can also strengthen your resilience muscle.
"What if I find myself procrastinating?"
Ask a friend/an accountability partner/your coach to support you in reminding you spend time working on your goals. See if you can find ways to be your own accountability partner. For example, set a dedicated time each day to work on your goals and set milestones and internal timelines.
External Blockers
External blockers include barriers such as money, time, other people's reactions, resources, and results. We are not in direct control of them, but in some instances, we can still do something about it by focusing on what is within our control, planning in advance and taking those steps to improve our situation.
"What if the client turns down my proposal?"
Try thinking - if I don’t submit my proposal, I remain in status quo as in I am not working with this client. If the client rejects my proposal, it still provides an opportunity to ask questions to see how I can improve my proposal and resubmit it.
"What if I lose the materials for the conference I’m presenting in?"
Prepare for this outcome - email them to yourself as a back-up. If you need hard copies printed, arrange in advance with the organisers for this to be done. Make a copy for yourself as well.
"What if the supply of product A doesn’t arrive in time to meet the client’s deadline?"
Anticipate such delays and keep the client informed in order to manage their expectations. Work with your team to brainstorm alternative solutions. Remember that you do not need to solve this all by yourself if you are working in a team or managing a team. Leverage on each other’s strengths.
These are just some simple examples to illustrate that there is always a choice to approach the many obstacles we face in our lives. I hope that you will be encouraged not to give up hope and to learn to view your circumstances from a different lens, one that empowers and uplifts you.
If you would like to explore how coaching can help you stay on course with your goals, I would love to support you in your life’s journey. Schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call with me at this link.
“There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.”
― Shannon L. Alder
What is your choice?
Great Expectations
“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
Do you subscribe to this way of living as conveyed by Jonathan Swift? It is painful to be disappointed. We all have been disappointed by people in our lives and we too have disappointed others. We’re only human. However, to live a life without expectations - is that the answer to living a happy life? I think it may work for a while but may not be sustainable. We all have expectations, be it about ourselves or others. If we don’t have any expectations, life would seem empty. I think if we don’t expect anything out of life, it’s more likely than not, we will not have anything meaningful in life.
What are your expectations for your life? Are you excited about your future or are you facing it with apprehension and fear? For most people, the future holds too many uncertainties and the fear of what might happen tends to overshadow the ray of light that represents the life they ultimately desire. One of the hardest things to do in life is to lift yourself out of your current circumstances and step up to the level of life you desire.
We all live with an unconscious expectation of ourselves and our own lives. This expectation not only determines what we have in our lives but it also represents what we are willing to settle for. Expectation is a very powerful emotion and one that very few people ever learn to fully cultivate. Whatever you expect with certainty is what you will get in your life. Expectation is the emotional state where an idea becomes so real that you feel it even though you can't hold it yet. Expectation is like an invisible magnet that will attract into your life that which you expect. When you expect something, you activate and engage those parts of your mind and your nervous system that can empower you to think the unthinkable and do the undoable. One of the most powerful ways to cultivate expectation is to develop a very clear vision for your life.
(Read my blog post, Check Your Vision, published on 27 January 2022, on ways to have a clear vision of your goals)
Most people never even make the time to really define what they want from their lives. Sometimes, we kind of know what we want but we don’t believe we can have it so we just hope something will come along one day to change our path and our dreams will be fulfilled. Expectation, however, is a completely different mindset. It is a mindset of absolute certainty that can be consciously cultivated. To turn a hope into an expectation, you simply eliminate doubt and fear by eliminating the opposing outcome. Instead of "seeing" something as failing or succeeding, you focus on your steps towards success.
When a woman is pregnant, we would say she is expecting. In other words, she knows that beyond a shadow of a doubt exactly what's going to happen on or around the 9th month of her pregnancy. Although some of the details are still unclear, she is certain that she will have a baby and not something unknown. On an emotional level, she can already feel the connection to her baby although she can't see and hold her baby yet. What you expect for your life is exactly like that. When you start to expect for your life that which you absolutely desire, your whole mindset turns from an uncertain hoping and wishing to the certainty of expecting. The images you encourage and entertain in your mind's eye, what you say to yourself and everybody else reflects only the results you are committed to.
Most people expect the worst and hope for the best. Our cultural conditioning has taught us things like "don't get your hopes up" – just in case you might be disappointed. We've been taught to aim as low as possible. Everything above that will be a bonus. Right? Wrong! Remember that what you expect with certainty is what you will get in your life. You have to break away from your autopilot mode of living a life where you are not really happy but you are not doing anything about it. If you want to lift your life and the quality of your life to a higher level than what it is now, you need to start raising your expectations. Raise your expectations of what you are as a person and what you believe you deserve. What you believe you deserve is based on your expectations. When you lift your expectations to a higher level, you believe that better things are in store for you and you will consciously take steps to improve your life.
You don’t need any special skills or knowledge to raise your expectations. You simply need a decision that from this point onwards, you will not settle for anything less than you can possibly be. The difference between hoping for something with uncertainty and depending on something with expectation is nothing but the way you control and direct the focus of your mind. What you say to yourself, the images you imagine and your behaviour are what you can consciously control and direct but only if you choose to. If not, you will revert back to the autopilot way of living and just go with the flow of "whatever" comes along.
Great expectations require intent, discipline and commitment. You believe you can create great results. The difference between great expectations and weak hopes is nothing but a mindset; a mindset that can make the difference between living a life of fulfilment and one of desperation and frustration. You have the choice. What will you choose?
“We can each define ambition and progress for ourselves. The goal is to work toward a world where expectations are not set by the stereotypes that hold us back, but by our personal passion, talents and interests.”
- Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Meta
If this topic resonates with you and you want to shift towards having great expectations about your life, I’m happy to support you as your coach. Let’s chat - reach out to me here!
Are You Successful?
“A successful life is one that is lived through understanding and pursuing one’s own path, not chasing after the dreams of others.”
This year’s Lunar New Year celebrations were subdued for me. We didn’t have many visitors given the restrictions on the number of unique visitors per day, capped at 5 persons. It’s also my second year not being home with my parents during this season. The Lunar New Year is a time for family reunions, meeting up with family members and friends whom you have not seen in a while. I recalled that when I was young and single, the most common question which I had to answer every Lunar New Year was whether or not I had a boyfriend. My answer for many years was no and my uncles and aunts were always very worried for me as they knew that I was very busy as a litigation lawyer and deeply cared about my social life, or the lack thereof. My parents did not pressure me into settling down, which I’m truly grateful for. In a recent conversation with an ex-colleague two nights ago, I asked her the same thing about her adult children. I cringed the moment after I asked the question! Why did I ask that? It was only then that I realise how much of a hold old ways of thinking still have on me.
For most Chinese, and to a large extent Asian families, there is a structured way of looking at one’s life to determine whether one is successful or not. It starts when you are young where your relatives will ask you about your academic performance. It is very important to have good grades. I know my son is relieved that no relatives have asked him this Lunar New Year about his choice of college and future academic plans. Once you have completed your education, the questions will relate to the types of job you hold. A stable permanent job proves to your relatives that you are mature and capable of supporting yourself. I know times have changed vastly and permanency of a particular role is not one of the top criteria for someone who is looking for work today. However, I think it’s still a long way off for us to fully embrace the gig economy and flexible work. I was having a fixed mindset about my career and purpose not too long ago and it was only when I started training as a coach back in 2019 that I had my own perspective shifts.
Another favourite topic of discussion as I have earlier alluded to is your relationship status. Why are you still single? Well meaning relatives will start thinking of possible suitors you should meet. If you eventually settle down in a marriage, the next question is when will you start a family? I recalled well-intentioned aunts telling me that I shouldn’t focus so much on my legal career. They reminded me that it’s very sad to end up as an old spinster with no husband and no children. You would have thought the questions will stop after I was married. No, the focus then moved on to why I wasn’t having any children yet. It also didn’t stop after I had my son. The questions eventually stopped after my 3rd child!
I also found that there was a lot of comparison when we gathered together with extended family members during the past Lunar New Years. They compare you with their own children or people of your age and gauge if you are successful or not based on the most successful person in their circles. it’s usually someone who had studied at a good school, worked in a credible organisation and have what appears externally as a solid marriage with well-behaved children. Is this what it means to be successful?
How would you answer if someone asked you, “Are you successful?”
“Success is not measured by what you do compared to what somebody else does. Success is measured by what you do compared to what you are capable of doing.”
- Zig Ziglar, American author
How often do we reflect and take stock of how far we have come in terms of our accomplishments in life? Do we take the time to celebrate or do we just shrug it off as pure luck and move on? I came across this article which was published in Harvard Business Review in February 2004 and you can find it at this link, titled Success That Lasts by Laura Nash and Howard H. Stevenson. They had interviewed hundreds of professionals to study the assumptions behind the idea of success. They deduced from their research that there are four components to success: happiness, achievement, significance and legacy and unless you are able to touch on all four categories with regularity, you are unlikely to feel that you have been successful in life. The article helps you build your personal kaleidoscope framework of these four components to enable you to see which components require more of your time, effort and attention. The exercise is found on page 12 of the article. It will help you to frame your thoughts on success and see how your evaluations of self, family, work and community fall into each component.
After you have completed the exercise and would like to develop ways to enable you to live out your personal kaleidoscope framework more effectively, my invitation to you is to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me. Take this first step to define your personal definition of success!
Legacy of Faith
“The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”
My husband’s grandmother passed away this Tuesday, 30 November, in her sleep at a local community hospital. She was 97 years old and she leaves behind 5 sons and 5 daughters, my mother-in-law being one of them and 23 grandchildren and 19 great grandchildren. My husband and I attended the wake last night. There was an air of calmness and all of us were filled with a sense of peace and awe. 3 eulogies were respectively given by her youngest son, my father-in-law and the eldest granddaughter. The common sentiment was that she was a woman of faith. She prayed ceaselessly for all her children. She only had one year of formal education and yet, taught herself how to read Chinese. Her youngest son recounted that he would hear her reading her Chinese bible softly while running her fingers along each word. He also shared that she would always tell her children that she wasn’t hungry and would be the last to eat as times were hard for them in those days. Her granddaughter shared that Grandma would always check on her and the other grandchildren to ensure that they attended church and that their individual faith walk is strong. My father-in-law shared that he converted from Taoism to Christianity because of her love and her persistent encouragement to share her faith with him.
I only knew Grandma in the later years of her life. She succumbed to dementia a few years after I married my husband so I never really knew the amazing woman who was spoken of with such love and admiration. There were times in the recent years that she had forgotten who I was and I also had to explain to her who my children were. I knew that she adored all her great grandchildren as she often played simple card games and did arts and craft activities with them. I recalled one occasion where my two daughters played a simple jigsaw puzzle game with her and she kept praising them for being able to solve the puzzle quickly.
Due to the Covid-19 restrictions, we did not visit her as often as we would like to. She also spent most of this year in the hospital. Her caregivers, my uncle and aunt, took care of her for over 23 years and more than 2/3 of that time, she was deteriorating due to her dementia. My husband and I were truly moved and touched when our aunt shared about how she longed to hear her name being called by Grandma as Grandma had forgotten her name these past few years. She prayed for strength and perseverance as caring for Grandma was not easy. God answered her prayer on my aunt’s birthday this April when Grandma spontaneously called out her name as my aunt walked towards her. It was the confirmation she needed that God heard her prayers and that Grandma still remembered who she was. Our aunt felt peace since that day.
Often, we hold people in high regard due to their successes and accomplishments in life. We often forget or neglect to recognise the simple acts of faith and love which truly signifies what a successful and fulfilled life looks like. Grandma was a simple, uneducated woman. Yet, her legacy of faith has shaped and moulded her sons and daughters, their children and their children’s children to live strong, faith filled lives, creating positive ripple effects in the lives of people around them.
The purpose of my post today is to encourage each of you to keep doing the good deeds that you do. You may be feeling discouraged and demotivated because you do not see the fruits of your labour now. Take heart that the seeds of your labour will eventually grow into trees of testimonies of your life. If you feel that no one appreciates or recognises your toils and suffering now, be comforted that God knows what you’re going through and He will meet your every need. Even if you are not a believer, know that your efforts in taking care of your elderly parent or ill child will be rewarded in the later years. Reflect on the legacy that you want to leave behind. What do you want your eulogy to be?
My hope for each of you is that as we wind down this year, you will be able to spend time with your loved ones, creating last memories of love and joy, to last for the years to come.
“The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.”
-Unknown
Born to be an Optimist?
“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Are you a “half full or half empty cup” type of person? When I searched the image library for the photo above, I typed “half empty glass” instead of “half full glass”. By default, I seem to think about what’s lacking instead of what’s available. I guess I’ve always had this in-built propensity towards planning for the worst-case scenarios. It could be due to my legal training or it could even go back to all the way when I was a child. I didn’t have any older siblings to watch over me so I always made it a point to plan for all contingencies. It has served me well over the years. However, as I reflect, if I had been more relaxed and accepting of the outcomes, I would have lived those events of my life without the anxiety and stress.
Am I born an optimist? My immediate answer would be a “no”. However, optimism can be learnt. Learned Optimism (which is also the title of one of his books) is a concept from Positive Psychology’s founding father, Dr. Martin Seligman, which argues that we can cultivate a positive perspective. According to Dr. Seligman, everyone is born optimistic. And yet, 95% of grownups are pessimists, not optimists. What happened there? Some people see the glass as half empty. Others see it as half full. But is it really as simple as that? Is it possible to be a bit of both?
How would a “half full” type of person view a problem? An optimist, when faced with a problem, tends to find the upside to the situation and starts figuring out ways to solve that problem, or ways to turn it around. A pessimist, however, immediately throws up his hands, and yells, “That’s it; it’s all over. I can’t handle this anymore.” He may also distance himself from the problem, pretending it doesn’t matter. This is denial, and it never works. Or like me, he would visualise all the worst possible outcomes and worry about each of them, feeling stressed and anxious when he is not able to come up with a solution to address each of these hypothetical scenarios.
When you think about it, it’s rarely an all or nothing situation. Most people tend to be an optimist for some of the times and a pessimist at other times. The reality is that things turn out according to how we think and feel about the situation. If a person feels like something will go well or feels optimistic about it, it usually seems to go well. The same is true of the reverse. When someone feels like something will go badly, it tends to do just that.
An indication that you are dealing with a pessimist is in a simple phrase they will use in stressful situations - “I can’t”. The pessimist is helpless, powerless and it shows in his response. The optimist responds with - “I won’t”. The optimist is making a conscious choice, not just reacting.
An optimist prefers to think more positively. They focus on what they really want, not what might happen to them.
Think about the following statements:
- Optimists achieve their goals because they never give up.
- Optimists are happier, healthier and more energetic than pessimists.
- Optimists are easier to be around, inspiring people around to be positive.
- Optimists live longer and suffer from fewer and less severe diseases.
These are all probably true just by the fact that optimists’ positive thinking makes challenging situations “not that bad” after all.
True optimism is not sitting back, thinking positive thoughts, and hoping everything will turn out all right. It’s how you see the world, positively rather than negatively. You face each situation, each problem, and each occasion with an outlook of growth and learning and you always look forward to the “benefits” you will derive from it. What is the lesson that this situation is showing me? What is the strength I need to grow here in order to handle this circumstance?
You have a choice. “Change your thoughts and change your world,” said Norman Vincent Peale, an American minister. What it comes down to is that your attitude is a conscious choice. If you choose pessimism, you’re choosing to see the down side of every situation, judge people unfairly, and live unhappily the rest of your life.
On the other hand, if you choose optimism, you’re empowering yourself to see the positive side of each challenge, seeing the good in people, helping them to see the good in life too. Taking action to further improve your own life, and living happily with friends and family who care about you. Attracting all good to yourself. Choosing to be more optimistic and positive does not mean you won’t encounter difficult times, trauma, loss and many challenges. What it does mean is that you will have more power on your side to help you through those tough times. You’ll bounce back faster and make better choices, rather than letting life just wash over you. You’ll learn to be proactive, instead of reactive.
We can learn to be optimistic by addressing the 3Ps of any given situation. As described by Dr. Seligman, a pessimist will view a situation as being personal, pervasive and permanent.
Personalization
If something bad happens, a pessimist will attribute it to internal factors. “It must be me. I am not good enough.” They’ll see that failure or setback as something that’s their fault, personalizing the outcome.
Optimists externalize instead. Their immediate thought is not to blame themselves and they consciously choose to learn from the situation and not attribute its occurrence as something they brought onto themselves.
Pervasiveness
A pessimist may catastrophize, “I did a terrible job; I’ll never be hired again – EVER.” Someone who views an undesirable outcome as pervasive will also be more inclined to believe that it will impact other aspects of their lives, too. “I am not able to hold a job. This means I am a bad person. No one will love me. My family despises me.”
Optimists will see the same incident, the loss of a job, as just that. They will not lose sight of what’s going well in their lives, for example, their health, the support from their family and friends and the opportunity to start afresh.
Permanence
A pessimistic tends to view a negative situation as lasting. “I’ll always be able to sing. I sound horrible. This is just who I am.” An optimist is more likely to say, “I didn’t sing well in the concert. I should ask my teacher for ways to improve. I didn’t practise enough this week. Let’s see how I can schedule more time to practise singing next week.” The optimist doesn’t view the same situation as being permanent and is looking for ways to change and improve it.
Here’s a short video to illustrate the 3Ps created by Fight Mediocrity on YouTube. As you watch this video, reflect on which of the 3Ps do you gravitate towards when you face a challenge in your life? Do you take it personally? Do you view it as affecting your outlook in all areas of your life? Do you feel that you cannot change your situation? I like what the creator of this video said in the end, “You need balance, otherwise you will not be taking responsibility when you need to”.
Do you have that balance or do you have a tendency to swing from being too optimistic to too pessimistic? Have a chat with me about your struggles and let’s see how we can work together for you to achieve that balance in your outlook in life.
Contact me here for a complimentary 30-minutes call.
“The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns. The pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose.”
– Khalil Gibran, Lebanese writer
Letting Go…
I’ve been thinking lately about what is holding us back from living life fully, from pursuing our dreams. I had a conversation with a friend and fellow coach about collaboration and setting goals for next year. She said, “We dream first and not worry about the “how” just yet.” She suggested that we take up Walt Disney’s strategy when he was dreaming up Disneyland. One of his famous sayings was “If you can visualize it, if you can dream it, there’s some way to do it.” Her chat with me definitely helped me see things in a different light and I’m now excited about what’s in store for both of us!
As we are now in the last quarter of 2021, when you reflect on how you want to end this year and plan for the year ahead, what mindset do you need to let go off in order to fully embrace the opportunities that lie ahead for you?
Fear of Failure
What are you afraid of? Fear will always be there and if you wait for it to disappear, you will be frozen in place. Learn to embrace failure. I always encourage my clients to think of small steps that they can take towards facing their fears as once they accomplish that small step, their confidence increases and they will be ready to take on another step in the direction of their goals and dreams.
Blaming Others
“I can’t do this because of “so and so”; “If only I had that person’s strength…”; “I am born in the wrong family/ stuck in the wrong job/ married the wrong person…”
If you keep on pointing the fingers at other people and not reclaiming the fact that you are fully capable of making the choices in your life to make a difference, you will be stuck in this spiral of blaming everyone and every situation. It is always easier to put on the blaming hat. It’s often scarier to take ownership of your life. At the same time, if you don’t “own” your life, who does?
Pessimistic Outlook
Yes, there are so many uncertainties in our world today. As a planner, I struggle with remaining flexible and changing my plans ever so often in this new world that we live in. It’s easy to fall into the victim mode and take on a pessimistic outlook in life. On the flip side, if you take each situation as an opportunity for growth and learning, there’s a chance your outlook will not be as gloomy. Certain situations are harder to convert into gifts as others so remember that it also takes time for the gifts in these situations to be unearth. Just be patient and trust that you have it in you to face the challenges in your life.
Self-doubt
You don’t think you’ll ever amount to anything. You think you don’t have the skills nor do you have what it takes to become successful. Ask yourself if this is really true. Take stock of your past accomplishments and successes and adopt an objective view of it. Ask your family and friends for their views. We are often much harder on ourselves and don’t give ourselves enough credit.
Aiming for Perfection
This is one that hits close to home for me. I jokingly tell people that I am a recovering perfectionist. My kids think I have OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder - simply because I am quite particular about having things done in a certain way which I think is the right way. I have realised that aiming for perfection will only lead to setbacks and frustration. What we should aim for is doing the best that we can with what we have and then be satisfied with our efforts. I definitely need to continually let go of my perfectionist thinking.
Waiting for the ‘Right Time’
Is there a right time? The “right time” will vary from person to person and goal to goal. I see this mindset as being tied in with perfectionism. When I was preparing to launch my business last April, I struggled with identifying the right time to start my business. After much prayer and discussion with my husband, I realised that there isn’t one right timing. It’s just to get it going and learn along the way. Now, when I think of launching any new programs or starting any new initiatives, yes, I still do the research and necessary preparation but I am also more decisive in when to start any of these ventures. As long as you are open to growth and learning, you can start any time.
Stuck in Your Comfort Zone
It is easier to stay where we are and not think about changing or rocking the boat. Ask yourself if you will regret not taking that step to change or do something new. Will you be haunted by the “what if” question down the road? This ties in with facing your fears. When you take that first step outside your comfort zone, you will soon realise that what was uncomfortable and scary for you, that’s now your new comfort zone!
“First, think. Second, believe.
Third, dream. And finally, dare.”
– Walt Disney
What mindset do you need to let go of so that you can start realising your dreams? Let’s have a conversation about how I can support you in this venture as your coach. Reach out to me here today.
I have a Dream
“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them”
Both my daughters were bitten by the baking bug last year when all of us were locked down at home. Baking gave them joy. They spent time looking up recipes for cakes, biscuits and macaroons online and planned what they wanted to bake each weekend. They both decided that they want to be bakers and open their own bakery when they grow up. They also assured me that when they run their own business, they will have the flexibility of time to look after their father and I when we are old and unable to care for ourselves! We will also never be without nice smelling cakes and tasty muffins for our tea time! I love how my girls think!
One of the common themes in the topics that my clients bring into our coaching sessions is their exploration of their dreams and passions. They have been putting them off because they feel it’s not the right time in their lives to pursue them, that their dreams are frivolous - a whim and fancy. However, they can’t really shake them off and there is always this nagging feeling of “What if I followed my dreams? Where would I be now?”
What's your dream? Want to give your vision a jumpstart? Let’s start with putting some thought to these questions:
What is your highest priority in this phase of your life?
What is most important for you to experience, explore or embrace at this time? Until you answer this question, your life goals will be off purpose. Unaligned with your inner passion and values, you will feel imbalanced and unsatisfied with where your life is at right now.
Consider what makes you joyful. What activities did you enjoy as a child? What are your hobbies now? When your goals are aligned with what makes you joyful and which resonates with your core values, synchronicity will kick in to open up opportunities for you as your mind is more receptive to these opportunities.
I also often ask my clients to think about their higher purpose. What is the legacy that they want to leave behind? I believe we do not live in isolation and what we do now will have a ripple effect, be it positive or negative, to all those around us.
How do you want to be remembered?
Is this your dream, or someone else's?
My daughters came up with the idea of wanting to be bakers when they grow up. I know it’s definitely their dream without any influence from me as I am definitely not a talented baker! My youngest daughter told me the other day that she can’t picture herself as a coach and asked if I would be disappointed if she didn’t follow in my footsteps. Of course, I assured her that it’s perfectly fine not to follow the profession of her parents and to discover for herself what she is truly called to be when she is older.
Are your goals your own choice, or what others think you should strive for? Do you want to look back years later and wish you had followed your passion? Will you regret having "played it safe?"
Is it selfish to go after your own dream? What joy can you give to others if you haven't given it to yourself first?
“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams”
- John Barrymore, American actor
Are you settling for less than?
Are you resigned to accepting less than your full share of love, health and success this lifetime? Have you compromised and sacrificed your dream? The reality is that anything short of living your true passions will never make you happy. I know it’s not easy to take that first step to pursue your dreams. It definitely wasn’t easy for me when I made that transition from being a lawyer to a life coach. What helped me stay the course is my belief of its purpose in this phase of my life. The focus of my purpose as a life coach is my compass.
What is your compass?
What will you feel like when you reach your dream?
Personal passion fuels a vision. Dive into the thrill and exhilaration of the feeling of living your dream. There is an old Hawaiian saying, "Where your creative attention is, so flows your life." Again, I know this is not easy. We all have obligations and commitments - “grown-up stuff”. We also often want to or are pressured to live up to the expectations of others. However, when I dig deep and reflect on how I impact my clients’ lives through coaching, I feel this sense of peace and fulfilment. That conviction assures me that I’m on the right track of pursuing my dreams.
What steps can you take today toward your dream?
Don't defer your dream. I’m a practical planner and I often see the pitfalls and worst-case scenarios in any situation, probably a skilled honed during my legal career. When I first started planning the setting up of my coaching business 2 years ago and gearing up for its launch last April, I had my fears and doubts. I’m grateful that I had great support from my family and friends.
So, set up your supports and systems around you to take that first step in materialising your dreams. Ask for help. I believe it is a sign of strength than weakness when we ask for help as we are aware that we can’t do it alone. Be open to every opportunity that presents itself. Explore with curiosity and just take that first step.
Are you telling yourself, "I can't have my dream?"
Most people don't believe they can live their dream. Either their belief system has them believing they can't make a living doing what they love, or they feel they don't deserve their dream. To avoid the pain of feeling they can't have their dream, people often keep their dream so buried they can't remember they ever had a dream.
I felt exactly that. The idea of starting a second career in my late 40s is scary. I have responsibilities and obligations to my family. However, when I tried to bury my dream to be a coach, the feeling of something’s missing and something’s not quite right in my life kept coming up until I couldn’t push it aside anymore.
Looking back at my journey, I realised that I would have spared myself a lot of that inner struggle if I just stepped into taking those first few steps towards my passion. Things fell into place as I followed my dream. I believe the same can happen for you.
Do you have that “something is missing or not quite right in my life” feeling now? Let me walk with you in your journey to rediscover and rekindle your dream and to make it a reality. Reach out to me here for a complimentary 30-minutes coaching call to begin your journey.
“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”
P.S. If you haven’t signed up to the Amplify DEI Summit, running from 27th - 29th September (I’ll speaking on the 28th!), hop on over here to get your Early Bird ticket.
You will have an amazing time learning from over 70 international speakers!
Too Quiet
“Introverts keep their best stuff inside—that is, until it is ready. And this drives extroverts crazy! The explanation for the introvert’s behaviour—and there must be an explanation for this behavior, say the extroverts—is that he or she is antisocial, out of touch, or simply a snob.”
― Laurie Helgoe, American author
I recently had meetings with my children’s teachers before the start of the school break to receive feedback on their progress in school. It was assuring for me hear that there were no academic concerns that needed to be addressed. However, all their teachers shared their concerns about my children being too quiet and introverted. In my teenage son’s case, the teachers felt that he gave the impression of being too laid back and disinterested in the lessons. Coincidentally, he is also seated at the back of the class as he is on the taller side and keeps pretty much to himself when lessons are conducted. You will never find him raising his hand to answer any questions or volunteer to step up in front of the class to present and speak on a topic.
As for my daughters, the older one was seen as being uncommunicative and not expressive of her thoughts and feelings. My youngest daughter also received similar feedback and the teachers were concerned that she didn’t make any friends since the start of the school year.
My first reaction after these meetings ended was a mixture of frustration and disbelief. Why is introversion viewed negatively by people in general? Yes, my children are introverts just like their parents but that doesn’t mean that they are incapable of adjusting socially in this noisy world. After I calmed myself down and had a discussion with my husband, we spoke to each child individually and worked with them on what they can do to give their teachers and classmates a better impression. We also assured them that there is nothing wrong in being an introvert. It’s just at times, people in general don’t understand introversion and equate being quiet and contented in oneself as anti-social, unengaged or snobbish!
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.”
Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking shared this nugget of wisdom, “Figure out what you are meant to contribute to the world and make sure you contribute it. If this requires public speaking or networking or other activities that make you uncomfortable, do them anyway. But accept that they're difficult, get the training you need to make them easier, and reward yourself when you're done.”
That was exactly what we explored with each of our children.
For my son, we discussed how he can show more interest in class and I knew that I cannot persuade him to volunteer to speak up in class. Instead, he suggested that he has one-to-one sessions with his Math teacher over the school break to strengthen his understanding of the subject. The teacher had always expressed his willingness to help so it was a matter of my son taking the initiative to meet with him. We also encouraged him to present for the group work that he does with his friends as he often is happy to do the research but holds back from speaking about the final product. It will definitely be uncomfortable for him! We reminded him that public speaking is a valuable skill to pick up as we will all need to do it in the workplace. Hopefully, our nudges will steer him in the right direction.
As for the girls, we told the elder one that she has to communicate her thoughts, in particular if she is unhappy about something or uncertain about the teachers’ instructions as it’s to her detriment if she just stays quiet. We told her that no one will judge her negatively if she just asks. I reminded her that more often than not, we think of the situation as being worse than they actually are. My youngest daughter’s teacher had taken the initiative to pair her up with a buddy over the school break. I advised her that this is a good opportunity to develop a new friendship and helped her create an email to this new friend.
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash
Are you an introvert? Do you face issues at your workplace due to your introversion? Perhaps you are not recognised for your contribution as much as your more outspoken colleagues.
Here are my thoughts along the lines of what I shared in my conversations with my children:
Speak up but in a way that works for you
We all have difficulty stepping outside our comfort zone. However, when we hold ourselves back, we end up being over-looked and our contribution to our workplace is also less impactful. Is it speaking up in meetings that you feel awkward about? Experiment by speaking up in smaller meetings on a subject matter that you know very well. Slowly build up your confidence. If it’s public speaking that causes the butterflies in your stomach, explore how you can learn this skill and practice.
Suspend judgment
We often overthink issues in our minds. We jump to conclusions about how bad a situation is and then our thoughts spiral downwards, out of control. The classic example is when your manager walks past you in the corridor and doesn’t smile at you. Your likely first reaction is, “Oh no, he’s angry at me! What did I do?” but how true is that? You don’t know at that point in time. There could be a number of reasons why he didn’t acknowledge you. Don’t accept every thought that comes up in your mind as the absolute truth. Question your assumptions. As much as we don’t like to hear this (because we are all egotistical beings), it’s not always about you!
Seek help and support
If your issue is too big for you to handle on your own, seek help. Have a one-to-one conversation with your manager or supervisor. If it is a sensitive matter, don’t hesitate to raise it through the proper channels within the framework of your organisation. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Seek support as well from your colleagues and peers. Share your experiences with other introverted colleagues. Collaborate with extroverted peers. The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to go through your challenges alone.
Debbie Tung - Wheresmybubble Instagram
If you are an introvert and would like the support of an introverted coach who understands the unique challenges an introvert faces in this loud and noisy world, book a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me here to find out how I can help you.
Find your powerful quiet voice and live life fully on your own terms.
Reinventing Perspectives
Today’s post is different from my usual ones. I had the honour of appearing as a guest on Priscilla Nyahwa-Shumba’s podcast, Reinventing Perspectives earlier this week. The episode is titled “Is Imposter Syndrome Getting In The Way of Your Purpose” and you can listen to it here or click on the recording below.
Priscilla’s mission statement for Reinventing Perspectives is to help entrepreneurs stay in faith and win at business and that is a statement that strongly resonates with me. Priscilla and I met through an online matching platform for podcast hosts and guests to collaborate with each other called Podmatch several months ago. We connected and found a common topic to talk about that we felt would richly benefit her audience. Priscilla is a great podcast host and she took a newbie guest such as myself under her wing and made the recording feel like a comfortable chat between two good friends.
I shared my journey as a solopreneur who started my business at the peak of the pandemic in this episode. The biggest lesson that I learnt from my journey is that being a perfectionist is actually holding me back from pursuing my dreams. The reality is that nothing in life needs to be perfect as we are all not perfect. I’ve learnt to see my journey as what it really is - a journey. Yes, I know what I want my destination to be but I also constantly remind myself to enjoy the journey and to learn and grow from it.
I also share my views on what imposter syndrome is and how to address these thoughts when they show up. To me, there are two facets to viewing imposter syndrome. Firstly, it is an inward reflection of my thoughts that I am not good enough. Secondly, I fear that others will find out I am not good enough.
The first step to overcome imposter syndrome thoughts is to acknowledge and recognise that you have these feelings and fears when they show up in your life. After that, adopt a helicopter view of the situation. Mentally float yourself up and look down at the situation for an objective evaluation of it.
Ask yourself:
“How true is this?” Consider the truth of your imposter syndrome thoughts.
If you are still convinced that your thoughts are true, ask yourself another question: “Is it true all the time?”
When you persist in this deeper way of thinking, you will realise that it is not true all the time. There are instances where you may lack confidence or that you are not skilled at a particular task. That is perfectly fine as we are all created to be different and do not have to be good in all things.
See it as an acceptance of yourself and learn from these experiences.
Priscilla and I ended the conversation with my sharing about my purpose in life and how I believe that people who are positively impacted in their lives will create a ripple effect that will continue to grow and benefit those around them. I hope that you will be encouraged by this podcast and be bold to pursue your dreams!
For those of you who are keen to work on their imposter syndrome thoughts and overcome the fears that are holding them back from living life fully, I would love to hear from you and let’s work together to create those positive ripples! Book an appointment with me now!
The Case of the “Shoulds”
“...don’t worry too much about what someone else says you “should” do. Know what you want to do and why it’s important to you.”
― Melissa Steginus, American author
“I should have studied harder.”
“I should have been promoted to senior manager by now.”
“I should have recovered from this relationship.”
“I should have invested more time with my family.”
“I should have been smarter and wiser.”
“I should be happier".”
What are the “shoulds” in your life? What situations give you the case of the “shoulds”?
My “shoulds” tend to show up in situations which matter a lot to me. For example, in my coaching business, I feel I should do more marketing. I should find ways to reach out to more people. I should start doing videos and podcasts. I should spend more time and energy on my business. It also shows up when I parent my children. I should be more caring towards them. I should spend more time with them. I should allow them to make mistakes. I should give them all the opportunity to explore their interests.
At first glance, these “shoulds” appear to mean well and have the intention to propel me to succeed as an entrepreneur and a parent. However, upon closer scrutiny, these “shoulds” are judgmental and create doubts and insecurity. They tell me that I am not good enough and that I need to do more. They come with a sense of heaviness and if not properly dealt with, will lead to more stress and anxiety. They also make us feel that we are lacking in something or not doing the right thing.
German psychoanalyst Karen Horney (1885-1952) had a phrase for this: “the tyranny of the should.” She viewed shoulds as dividing our personalities into two selves: an ideal self and a real self. When we don’t live up to the ideal self, we are split and our inner critic comes out. The “shoulds” make up the rules of how we are to live our lives and also how we view the world. The inner critic constantly evaluates what the person says, what s/he does and even what s/he feels by comparing him/her to an ideal of perfection defined by the rules - the “shoulds”.
“Stop asking “What should I do now?” That question only brings up what others expect of you. Free people don’t have shoulds. They have choices.”
— Steve Pavlina, American author
Is there a cure for the “shoulds”?
I like the quote by Melissa Steginus. “Know what you want to do and why it’s important to you.” The other quote by Steve Pavlina reminds us that we have choices. We cannot dictate people’s expectations of us but we can choose how we want to acknowledge and validate ourselves. We do so by knowing our purpose in life. We also need to accept where we are in the present moment. Accept that we are all work in progress and none of us are “completed” yet.
What can we do the next time we are hit by the case of the “shoulds”?
Check its truth
The next time you find yourself saying, “I should be doing this”, “I should have said that” or “I should be more …”, ask yourself if the statement is true. Is it true that you should have done or said what your inner critic wanted you to do or say? For example, if you think you should have been promoted by now, what is the basis for that statement? Is it because you have worked in the organisation for many years and ought to be promoted simply because you have paid your dues in terms of your years of service with them? Check this truth against the way your organisation typically promotes their employees. Check this truth against your own performance and achievements in the organisation. If after taking an objective, factual view on the situation and you still feel that you should have been promoted, plan the next course of action. This may involve speaking to your manager, fine-tuning your skill-set and increasing your visibility by networking. It may also entail exploring other opportunities within or outside your organisation. By resisting the urge to listen to your inner critic blindly, you are now able to evaluate the situation in a calmer and more rational way.
Check its source
Where did that particular “should” come from? E.g. “I should lose more weight, otherwise, I’ll never be in a meaningful relationship with my ideal partner”. Where did this rule come from? Was it from your upbringing - what your parents and family members used to say to you about your weight? Was it from societal norms and conformity? Was it also due to your own comparison to your friends’ relationships? In the beginning, this “should” may sound like a well-meaning rule that will help you succeed and be happy in your life. However, remind yourself to check its truth and also check its source before abiding by this rule. Is thinking this way really good for me?
Reframe
If you have evaluated the truth and source of your “should” and find that it is a lie and isn’t coming from a place that is helping you, how do you reframe your perspective? In the example of “I should have been promoted by now”, how about saying “I want to be promoted”? What feelings does the latter bring up for you? By choosing another way to look at the situation, you are likely to feel empowered. I want to be promoted therefore, I will do “X”, “Y” and “Z”. You proactively make choices to reach your end goal. You’re not beaten into a corner by your inner critic. I should lose weight then I will be able to find my ideal partner. Ask yourself, what’s my purpose in this intention? Is it to lose the weight or find the ideal partner? What does losing the weight mean for you in the long term? You can start to shift your thinking to look at being fit and healthy and start accepting yourself as you are at your current state. Love yourself, practise kindness and empathy towards yourself. As a result, you will end up happier irrespective of whether or not you are in a romantic relationship with your ideal partner. Ask yourself, “What is it that I want in this “should”?” Question it, dig deep until you find out what you really want and why it is important to you. Use the answer as your compass as you plan your next steps.
You don’t have to journey alone. I will be happy to support you as your coach as you work on checking the truth and the source of your “shoulds”. Together, we will reframe your “shoulds” to bring you closer to your life’s purpose and to live it meaningfully.
“The only impossible journey is the one you never begin.” - Tony Robbins, renowned author, coach and speaker
Begin your journey with me today
Not Good Enough
“It is easy to believe you are not good enough if you listen to everybody else.”
Photo by Luke Leung on Unsplash
My youngest daughter, who is 9 years old this year, and I had a recent conversation about her desired occupation when she grows up. She is an avid proponent of conserving the environment and protecting animals at risk. Her favourite animal is the turtle and she often updates me about conservation efforts for her precious turtles. She is the first to remind us to recycle our plastics and reduce wastage so that our oceans are not polluted. Naturally, I asked her if she would like to go into the field of being an environmentalist or a biologist or a veterinarian given her passion for animals and care for the environment. She paused and thought hard for several moments. Her reply was, “No, Mummy, I can’t do all that. I am not good enough.”
Her reply surprised and saddened me. My first thought was whether or not I had said or done anything in the past to indicate that she wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t think of a specific incident. My husband and I do our best to be mindful not to discourage our children or cause them to doubt their abilities and potential. We often encourage them to try out new things and not to view failures as failures but as learning experiences for growth and resilience.
Was my daughter influenced by comments from her teachers, extended relatives and friends? I don’t know. She is usually a very happy and positive little girl. I probed her to elaborate. She went on to say that studying these fields will be difficult and she doesn’t think she can do it. It appears to stem from a sense of self-doubt and lack of confidence. Even at this young age, her limiting beliefs are starting to show up and framing her way of thinking.
Our conversation ended with me telling her that she doesn’t have to make up her mind yet and to continue learning about the environment and the conservation efforts happening in our world, which she is already doing. I didn’t want to attach heaviness to her statement but have made a mental note to keep encouraging her and celebrating her successes along the way.
“You are only as limited as your beliefs.”
― Jennifer Ho-Dougatz, American entrepreneur
“I am not good enough.”
Have you said or thought this before in the various stages in your life? Has this thought stopped you from doing something meaningful to you? Has this thought made you postpone pursuing your dreams indefinitely? Have you foregone opportunities due to this belief of not being good enough?
I recalled doubting myself as a coach when I was in the early stages of my coach training. I believed I wasn’t good enough when I compared myself to my fellow students who had counselling, consulting or training backgrounds. I felt inadequate. As a result, I held back from actively contributing in class as I believed my opinions wouldn’t count as much as the others who are more capable and experienced. Then, one of the mentor coaches in a lesson on beliefs challenged us to say to each other, “I am a coach”. Not a student or a coach in training but a coach. I found it very difficult to say so. He then shared with us a different perspective which made me re-evaluate my beliefs on how I saw myself as coach then. He said confidently to all of us in his class that we are all coaches. We are already coaches. It’s just that we are at different spectrums of our respective coaching journeys. He was already past the midway mark whereas for most of us, we just left the starting line. We are not running a competitive race. We are running our own marathon and finishing the journey leais all up to us as individual runners. We determine our pace, adjust our stamina, plan our route and take necessary pauses to enjoy the run.
“I am good enough for who I am today.”
How do we shift our thinking from “I am not good enough” to “I am good enough for who I am today”?This doesn’t mean I don’t strive to improve and do better tomorrow. It just means I accept myself and I am at peace with who I am today. Three things help me remember this.
Be a wide-eyed explorer
Stay curious and open to learning and growing even if you are already an expert in your field. This allows you to keep a fresh outlook to ensure that your skills are constantly being honed and fine-tuned. My husband, despite being in his profession for more than 25 years, still watches training videos from various universities and reads relevant articles and research papers published by peers to stay current on developments in his field. Taking on a wide-eyed explorer view on learning and growth doesn’t mean that we are not good enough right now. It means we are always open to improve and to learn from others. When you start to think, “I am not good enough,”; you can stop and say to yourself, “I may not be good enough to do “x y z” today but I’m gaining the knowledge and expertise to get there!”
Practise empathy on yourself
It is always easier for most of us to show empathy to others but when it comes to being kind to ourselves, to love ourselves unconditionally and without judgment, most of us find it challenging to do so. Our judging voices always tend to put us down. We are made to believe that being kind to ourselves will make us soft, unprepared to meet the challenges of today’s world. We need to be hard and tough on ourselves to stay strong. These are lies. These thoughts increase our existing stress level and make obstacles in our daily lives unsurmountable. What can we do to start practising empathy on ourselves? Make it a point to celebrate the small daily successes. Even if it was a particularly difficult day, find at least one thing which you can smile and congratulate yourself for. It can be as simple as getting out of bed and getting dressed for your morning Zoom meeting. Learn to give yourself specific praise and acknowledgments. Be proud of what you have accomplished each day. In short, be your most faithful and loudest cheerleader!
Stop comparing!
We all have a tendency to compare ourselves with others. We often take the view that others have done and accomplished so much more in their lives as compared to ours. We feel that we are lacking in so many ways. Once we start comparing, we lose sight of what we already have. We become bitter, resentful and at times, anxious as we feel we are not up to par with the rest. What stops me when I feel the urge to compare is that I remember what my mentor coach told all of us in that coaching class. We all have different journeys in life and even if there are similarities in our journeys, we are all at different stages and different paces. The important thing is that we appreciate and enjoy our respective journeys. I often tell my children that if they want to compare their abilities and achievements, to compare them against where they were at several months before, and not to compare them with the abilities and achievements of others. As long as we are progressing and moving forward, that is all that matters.
If you feel stuck in thinking that you are not good enough and want to break free from this line of thinking, reach out to me here to have a candid chat on how I can support you as your coach. I can stand in as your greatest cheerleader until you are ready to be yours!
“Loving yourself doesn’t mean you think you’re perfect or better than others. It just means you know that sometimes you have to be your own cheerleader, your own warrior... and you’re ok with that.”
— Nina Guilbeau,American author
The Energy of Words
“Remember your words can plant gardens or burn whole forests down.”
Photo by Carlita Benazito on Unsplash
We have experienced the power of words. How we have been inspired by them when we listen to charismatic speakers. Songs and poems touch our hearts and ignite our souls. Books transport us into magical, imaginary worlds. Words exchanged in a heated argument stay with us long after the matter is resolved. Sadly, condemning words said to us during our childhood left scars which never fully healed.
Words also have energy to them. My youngest daughter may say “I hate you” to me in a mischievous voice. When I hear her words, I don’t feel the energy of hate. Rather, I hear love and fun due to the tone of her voice. However, when my son says, “It’s up to you. I’m fine with your decision,” in a monotonous tone, I know that he’s not fine. The energy of his words was not congruent with the actual words said.
Say the following words aloud and slowly. See what feelings come up for you when you hear yourself saying these words:
No
Yes
But
And
Can’t
Can
Have to
Get to
Frustrated
Curious
Criticism
Empathy
Suspicious
Hopeful
Pessimistic
Optimistic
Upset
Peaceful
Disappointed
Grateful
What was your energy like when you said positive words such as empathy, hopeful and peaceful? Chances are you also felt the way the words meant when you said them. Saying “no”, “but”, “can’t” and “have to” gives a sense of heaviness and impossibility whereas words like “yes”, “and”, “can” and “get to” revives you and renews your energy to move forward.
“Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”
- Nathaniel Hawthorne, American novelist
What do you think of these two sentences? Do they mean the same thing?
I have to be good at this job.
I want to be good at this job.
The first sentence sends a sense of desperation in that it implies that something is at stake if I end up not doing a good job. When I say it aloud, I feel a sense of reluctance, almost being forced to do a good job. It’s as though it’s not something I want to do.
The second sentence, however, provides motivation and hope. I want to be good at this job. Yes, something may still be at stake if I don’t do a good job but it doesn’t bring about that sense of desperation. It’s something I want to do. It motivates me to find ways to be good at the job. It may even inspire me to look at the job in a new way, just to improve how I do it now.
Let’s explore the energy that each of these sentences.
I have to do the laundry.
I want to do the laundry.
I have to pass my Bar exams.
I want to pass my Bar exams.
I have to do this presentation tomorrow morning.
I want to do this presentation tomorrow morning.
I have to discuss the poor performance of my subordinate.
I want to discuss the poor performance of my subordinate.
I have to speak to my husband about my worries.
I want to speak to my husband about my worries.
I have to tell my son that his actions were disrespectful.
I want to tell my son that his actions were disrespectful.
I have to show everyone that I am talented.
I want to show everyone that I am talented.
I have to stay strong.
I want to stay strong.
As you reflect on them, do you see which ones you have a tendency of using more often?
Do you say “I have to” a lot more than “I want to”?
How does that make you feel?
Do you feel that most of the time, you have to do what you’re doing now not because you want to but because it’s something that needs to be done and no one else wants to do it?
Yes, I definitely feel that way when it comes to doing the laundry. However, even as I typed the words, “I want to do the laundry”, a small shift happened in me. I still don’t enjoy doing the laundry but the fact that thinking and saying that I want to do it makes that task a little more attractive than before.
Saying “I have to” gives me the feeling that there is an external pressure on me to get those things done. It is not my choice to do so. Saying “I want to” shifts that view. I want to do it. I choose to do it. It empowers and motivates me. Okay, the laundry part may need a lot more convincing that it is something I want to do but I hope you get my drift.
What do you think will happen if you change your “I have to”s to “I want to”s?
The tasks have to be done. Do you want to them willingly or reluctantly?
There will not be any overnight miracles in that you immediately shift from the heaviness of the tasks at hand but you may start to realise that the tasks seem more manageable and perhaps with time, you may even start to enjoy them or find new ways to approach them.
Even if they are tasks that you don’t want to do but have to do, saying “I want to” gives you a sense of control in terms of your mindset towards them. Hopefully, with a more empowered mindset, you will be more at peace with those difficult situations and conversations that you have to carry out.
What do you want to do today?
Schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me here.
Let me support you as your coach today.
“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it.
If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.
If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”
- Nora Roberts, American author
Do I Trust My Eyes?
“Humans see what they want to see.”
-Rick Riordan, American author
Several weeks ago, this image popped up in my Facebook feed. I believe some of you would have also seen this. What do you see?
Credit: Jam Press
At first instance, I saw a man running into the forest but after taking a longer look, I saw a black dog running out. The Sun even published an article on this image (just click on the image and it will bring you to that article). There is even an analysis in the article that if you were in an anxious state of mind, you would have seen the man first, possibly escaping from something threatening. However, if you were in a state of calm confidence when you looked at this image, you would have immediately seen the dog. I don’t buy into this but feel free to read the article for fun and with a pinch (maybe, heaps!) of salt!
The interest and discussions around this image made me think of the power of suggestion and external influence on our perception. If you had only seen the man running and didn’t know that I had spotted a dog, it is likely that you would not have given this image a second glance. However, now that you are aware that there is another possibility of viewing this image, you will take a closer look to see if you can find the dog in the image. You might even feel unconscious pressure to spot the dog after you have read the article in The Sun where it appeared that the majority only saw the dog. Perhaps, a nagging thought may crop up, “Is there something wrong with my eyes? Why can’t I see the dog?”
Psychological scientists Maryanne Garry and Robert Michael of Victoria University of Wellington, along with Irving Kirsch of Harvard Medical School and Plymouth University, delve into the phenomenon of suggestion, exploring the intriguing relationship between suggestion, cognition, and behaviour. You can read a summary of their research here published by The Association For Psychological Science. They explained that the power of suggestion shows up as “our ‘response expectancies’, or the ways in which we anticipate our responses in various situations. These expectancies set us up for automatic responses that actively influence how we get to the outcome we expect. Once we anticipate a specific outcome will occur, our subsequent thoughts and behaviours will actually help to bring that outcome to fruition.”
For example, if you believe you’re the right candidate for the job and gear yourself up to it thinking that the interview will go well, you’ll stand a greater chance of impressing your future employer and landing the job than if you went to the interview feeling pessimistic and lacking confidence.
I recalled that my elder daughter told me that her Chinese teacher commented her that her essays were too simple, as though they were written by a much younger girl. She took it to heart and believed that her essays were of poor quality. It took us a while to encourage her and to help her regain her confidence in this area. We told her to see it as an area of growth and for her to prove her teacher wrong. She liked the idea of it being a challenge and is also feeling more confident about her essay writing skills now.
Imagine if her teacher had provided the constructive feedback in a more positive way…that my daughter needed to improve but she showed potential for her story telling skills. My daughter would have felt much better about it and be even more motivated to improve herself rather than feeling dejected.
That’s the power of suggestion! It’s no wonder that every day, we are bombarded with images from various product marketing streams telling us that we will be happier, healthier and wealthier if we buy products X, Y and Z. If we didn’t have them, we would be miserable. Do you realise that you almost immediately feel thirsty after watching an enticing advertisement of a cool drink? So, where does this leave us? Are we helpless and tossed about by every suggestion that we are bombarded with?
“A suggestion has no power in and of itself. Its power arises from the fact that you accept it mentally.”
We need to be aware of our thoughts and how they are driving us to live our lives. Do we blindly follow every thought that resides in our minds? Are we able to suspend judgment, take a step back and look at our thoughts as floating leaves down a river, recognising that they don’t take hold and overpower us if we don’t allow them to? Are your thoughts empowering you to live life purposefully? Are your thoughts holding you back in fear?
The first step to reclaiming your life and redirecting it to the way you want it to be is to be aware that your thoughts are not who you are. They are simply thoughts. They only take hold of you if you allow them to. We can develop skills to be mentally fit and learn a higher way of thinking, one that is calmer and has a clear focus on our goals and dreams. Interested to find out more? Contact me here for a complimentary 30-minutes call to learn more about how I can support you as your coach in reducing the stronghold of your negative thoughts!
Conspiracy Theory
“Conspiracy theory is the ultimate refuge of the powerless. If you cannot change your own life, it must be that some greater force controls the world.”
Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash
My pastor delivered an interesting sermon several Sundays ago. He declared that we are all conspiracy theorists! He then qualified that he was not referring to the global conspiracy theories. Side note: One of my favourite conspiracy theories is the Roswell UFO incident. There were speculations that an unidentified flying object crashed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947 and the U.S. Government spent years covering that up. (Side note: Yes, I was a big X Files fan back in the 1990s and still love the series! My husband bought me the box set of the entire series as my Christmas present 3 years ago.)
Okay, back to my pastor’s sermon. What he meant was that we have a tendency to blame everyone else when something unpleasant happens to us. For example, John didn’t get the promotion he wanted. He was upset and disappointed. He blamed his manager and HR for being biased against him. In his mind, he drew comfort thinking that his manager always favoured his colleague because they had better rapport. The HR manager didn’t like him because he didn’t graduate from an ivy league university. His colleague was much better at showcasing his expertise and to be honest, he was too much of a braggart. John’s conspiracy theory was that the odds were stacked against him and everyone was out to get him. He couldn’t stand a chance. He ended up being demotivated and became unproductive at work. It turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy and he was eventually demoted, resulting in his departure from the organisation with bitterness and resentment.
How true was his conspiracy theory? We will never know. However, he may have reached a better outcome if he took this incident as an opportunity for learning and growth. He could have arranged for a one-to-one meeting with his manager to discuss career progression planning. If he felt that his technical skills needed brushing up, he could have considered enrolling in top-up courses to improve himself. As for his colleague’s behaviour, he could have accepted that everyone behaves differently and find ways to shine in the workplace which worked for him.
Have you ever thought and behaved like John before? Are you a conspiracy theorist? It happens to all of us. What thoughts race through your mind when your manager walks past you in the hallway without acknowledging your presence? Do you automatically assume you’re in his bad books?
What about when your spouse returns home without saying a word? Do you jump to the conclusion that he is selfish and doesn’t care about you? Do your thoughts spiral down the slippery slope as you think about all his negative traits and question why you married him in the first place?
Okay, hold on, you say! That’s crazy! I am not like that!
I agree that not all our conspiracy theories are that far-fetched but more often than not, most of us do not take responsibility for our thoughts, behaviours and actions. We run on auto-pilot mode and just react with the strongest emotion we feel when triggered by unpleasant events. We blame the weather and traffic (or bad internet connection!) for being late for our meetings. We blame our kids for not being responsible with their chores and that’s why our homes are messy. We blame the government and the economy for lack of job opportunities. We blame the pandemic for all the unfortunate events in our lives last year. It is so easy to fall into the blame trap. We don’t have to take ownership of anything. We just lament that life is so unfair!
Photo by Roman Mager on Unsplash
E + R = O
E = Events in our lives
R = Our Response to those Events
O - The Outcomes we experience
I first learnt this principle from Jack Canfield, the author of The Success Principles (TM): How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. What are we supposed to focus on in this equation of E+R=O?
It's not the E and it's not the O. You're right! It's the R.
There are only 3 Responses that we can truly have any control over:
- Our behaviours
- Our thoughts
- Our visual imagery - what we think the future will be
When you change your Rs to the Es in your life, you will eventually obtain the Os you desire.
It does sound easy but putting this simple equation into practice is difficult. It takes intentionality, conscious reflection and discipline not to live our lives on auto-pilot mode. If you take the example of John, blaming others and wallowing in self-pity is easy. John didn’t have to do anything except whine and complain.
If he had taken the other approach to learn and grow from the missed promotion opportunity, he would have needed to make the effort to schedule the meeting with his manager, to upskill himself and to focus on personal growth and improvement instead of focusing on how others may seem better than him.
How do we get into the habit on focusing on our Rs? I ask myself these three questions. I find that they help me pause, take a step back and move into higher sage thinking, uncluttered by the emotions I feel about the situation:
What is within my control?
What is not within my control which I have to accept and let go of?
What can I do that is within my control to improve the situation?
You don’t have to ask these questions sequentially or all of them at the same time. In the case of the ongoing pandemic, there are so many things that are not within our control. When we start to accept our present situation, we will start to feel a sense of peace even though the situation remains the same. We start to focus on what we can do within our power to make the acceptance a little easier.
It has been a year now since I visited my parents. Cross border travel between Singapore and Malaysia is still on a restricted basis. We will not be able to visit them during the Lunar New Year in February. How can I make my acceptance of this situation easier? I call them more often, I write to them and I spend a lot of time praying for them. It gives me comfort, knowing and trusting that God is in control of our lives even when I am not able to be physically near them.
You can’t determine the events that happen in your lives. However, when you actively make choices towards the type of responses you want to have towards these events, there is a higher likelihood that the outcomes will be better. Even if things don’t turn out as desired, you would be able to see the outcomes from a calmer, bigger picture perspective when you take the time to reflect and make conscious effort to choose your responses.
Do you need help to work on applying this simple equation of E+R=O in your life? Reach out to me here to get started on living a more conscious and purposeful life.
Remember to book your complimentary 30-minutes coaching session which is my Christmas gift to each of you is still available until 30 January 2021.
“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”
The Braided Truth
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
Photo courtesy of https://hairstylecamp.com/kids-braided-ponytail/
It was the night before the last day of the school year. My elder daughter came into my room and asked me if I could tie 2 ponytail braids for her tomorrow morning. I smiled and asked her why because she normally wore her hair in a single ponytail. She said that she just wanted to look her best tomorrow because she was happy.
Given how busy my weekday mornings are with helping everyone get ready for school and work, I was reluctant to agree to her request. I explained that tying the two braids will take some time and I wasn’t sure if I have enough time to do so. She thought for a while and then told me that she will wake up earlier to allow for more time for me to tie her hair. This was a big ask for her as she was not a natural early riser.
I eventually agreed, seeing how determined she was with her request. The next day came and true to her word, she was up early, all dressed. She finished her breakfast faster than she normally would. I delivered my end of the promise and saw a very happy girl leave home with neatly tied ponytail braids.
When I met her at school later that afternoon, my daughter looked sad when I greeted her. I asked her what was wrong. She said that one of her good friends questioned her about her choice of hairstyle and criticized the way she looked. I believe that it was an innocent comment on her friend’s part but those words hurt my daughter. No one likes negative remarks. It also hurt her because it was her good friend who said those words. They were said by someone she liked and trusted.
You may think this little story is trivial and such interactions only happen among children. That is true to a certain extent but have a think - how often do we as adults experience similar invalidations? How many times have we been dismissed, put down or criticized simply due to how we looked or what we said or did, just because it was not aligned with what people expected of us?
My daughter’s friend probably remarked that way because she wasn’t used to seeing my daughter wear her hair in braids. It didn’t gel with her idea of how my daughter should look. She may just not like that look herself and couldn’t understand why my daughter wore that hairstyle. Isn’t it common that we react negatively to people or circumstances that we don’t understand?
As we walked home, I asked my daughter that putting aside her friend’s comments, what did she think about how she looked? She was quiet for a spell and then with conviction in her eyes, she said, “I look very nice. I don’t care that [her friend’s name] didn’t like it. I like my braids and that’s what matters!” With that, she walked ahead of me, hand in hand with her younger sister as they both chatted about their day.
I watched her with pride. My daughter has a strong understanding and appreciation of her self-worth. In her own way, she understood that there will always be people who will put you down. These instances will hurt her but it was up to her to choose to either stay in that hurt or release that feeling and focus on the present moment. She did just that by enjoying the walk home with her mother and younger sister.
Photo by Jurate Cesnaite on Unsplash
“Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice - a conscious choice of how we want to live. Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen!”
As you reflect on Brene Brown’s words, what do your collection of choices say about who you are? Do they reflect your values and purpose? Will you be proud of your choices when your children see you in action? Will you cringe with discomfort if they knew what you did on a daily basis? What is the price that you are paying for compromising your true self just to fit in? Is it a necessary cost, one that you think needs to be paid in order for you to excel in your career and life? Ask yourself - do I have a choice to be truly authentic?
Here’s my suggestion of 3 takeaways for you to experiment on as you contemplate how to remain true to your authentic self in all situations:
Acknowledge
Take some time as you wind down this month to rediscover who you truly are. What are your passions? What gives you joy? What are your non-negotiables - values that you cannot compromise? What or who matters most to you? Acknowledge all these statements and traits that form who you are.
Accept
Be honest with yourself and accept that there are things that you may never be an expert at no matter how much learning and training you put into them. You don’t have to be a square peg trying to force your way into a round hole. Once you accept your shortcomings and embrace them, you will find it easier to make the choices to be authentic.
Activate
Once you have acknowledged what constitutes your authentic self and accept your flaws, it is now time to activate your goals. Plan for the coming year. What do you want to do that resonates with your purpose? Who do you need to engage for support and to keep you accountable? What resources do you need? How will you stay focus and keep on track?
If these ideas resonate with you and you want to delve deeper into them, you can contact me here for a complimentary 30 minutes coaching session to get clear on what really matters for you as you start the new year.
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
Bright Shiny Objects
Have you heard of the term “bright shiny objects”? It means something that is widely appealing or attention-grabbing for its superficial characteristics, but which is usually not useful, substantial, or long lasting. It’s also a phenomenon that new entrepreneurs go through as we are always looking new ways to grow our business and build our brand. However, if we keep searching for new things, we will end up distracted and losing focus on the vision of our businesses. It’s as though we are children always looking for the new toy to make us happy. We get bored easily when the toy ceases to amaze us. We don’t buckle down and really work on one thing. The cycle of never settling down continues each time we see another bright shiny object to pursue. The result of our chase is that we feel frustrated, demotivated and fatigued.
“I was about to take over the world, but then I saw something shiny.”
― Anonymous
I experienced this bright shiny object syndrome after I had completed my coach training certification program. I wanted to sign up for every “shiny” course on coaching specialisations as I didn’t want to stagnate in my development as a coach. However, I also felt frustrated and confused as there were so many courses out there that were bright and shiny! I sought the advice of my peer coaches and came to the realisation that I needed to slow down. There will always be courses on coaching specialisations. I don’t have to get caught up by the enthralling “lights”. Not every course is beneficial for me. Not every course will serve the vision of my coaching practice. I don’t need to keep enrolling in course after course just to improve my coaching skills.
Have you experienced the bright shiny object syndrome? Is it in terms of purchasing material possessions like the latest mobile phones, sound systems, cars or even upgrading your house? Are you always looking for something new and exciting to help you upgrade your professional skills? What’s the latest thrill that you are seeking to bring zest and vibrancy in your life?
What can you do to differentiate between the real thing and the flashy superficial object?
Photo by Christopher Sardegna on Unsplash
WAIT
A friend once shared this sage advice to me. It was in the context of making online purchases but I believe it will apply to any circumstances where you are tempted with bright shiny options. “Just wait for 7 days,” she said, “If after the week is up and you are certain that you still want to buy that dress, just go ahead and buy it. If you are not 100% certain, then don’t do it as it’s not that important for you anymore. It was just something you thought you wanted right there and then. Time just makes everything clearer.”
WHY?
Ask yourself the following questions when you are inclined to chase after that tempting shiny option:
Do I really need it to achieve what I want? E.g. Do I need to buy this latest sleek laptop in order to be a good writer? Do I need to enrol in this teaching course in order to be a better teacher? Your answers may still be yes but perhaps, it is something you don’t need to purchase right now or start this instance.
Can I afford this? Think of this question not only in terms of finances but also your time, energy and other obligations in life. What are the costs of taking on this bright shiny option?
Why do I want it? This question is different from the earlier two questions. It goes to a deeper level than the earlier questions which were meant for you to consider the implementation aspects. This question is for you to think about your real reason for wanting this bright shiny object. Is it really something that you have always desired? Is it something that is aligned with your values and beliefs? Or could it be that you are suffering from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)? We all have FOMO. I was going through FOMO when I read of all the interesting online coaching courses. I saw that other coaches have many different certifications and I felt pressured (self-imposed, of course!) to add these certifications to my name. I didn’t want to miss out! Upon deeper thought and reflection, I didn’t need to enrol in any further courses now as the better approach for me is to spend time discovering my unique strengths as a coach. The only way to get that is to keep coaching and do self-reflections after each session. What is it for you? Is it something that you truly want or is it FOMO?
Wingman (or woman)
What’s a wingman? The word is formally used in the air force. It means a pilot in a plane that flies just outside and behind the right wing of the leading aircraft in a flight formation, in order to provide protective support. In a social context, it refers to a male friend who helps you attract a woman at a pub or club. Generally, a wingman is someone who is there to support and protect you. Who is your wingman (or woman)? Do you have someone in your life whose opinion you respect and trust? You can always rely on this person to tell you the truth no matter how painful it is. She’s the friend who will tell you not to buy that dress because it is unflattering for your posterior. He’s the one who is there to help you weigh your investment options and prevents you from acting rashly. When you are faced with a bright shiny object, elicit the help of your wingman (or woman) to support you in your “Wait” period while working through your “Why” questions.
If you want to work with me as your “wingman” when faced with a bright shiny object situation, reach out to me here today! I will support you in retaining your focus and staying on track!
“My success, part of it certainly, is that I have focused in on a few things.”
Three Gifts
“Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new centre of gravity. Don't fight them. Just find a new way to stand.”
― Oprah Winfrey, American TV personality
What is your first reaction when a difficulty or an unforeseen adversity hits you? Do you feel anger, fear, anxiety, grief, hopelessness, a sense of loss or all of these and more? It is normal that our first reaction is negative and we are more likely to go through a roller coaster of negative emotions during such dark periods in our lives. How do you feel when you read Oprah’s quote on seeing challenges as gifts? Are you repulsed by it? You may think it is easy for her to say that. She has a wealth of resources to back her up during any crisis!
However, if we pause and reflect on the quote, the essence of it is that we can choose our behaviours, subsequent actions and decisions in respect of the challenges and adversities in our lives. We can choose to fight them - to live with anger, resentment and hatred. We can choose to avoid them - to live with the suppression of our emotions and pretend that all is well with us. We can choose to let the negative emotions overwhelm us and allow them to consume us, believing that all hope is lost.
We can choose to recalibrate, find a new centre of gravity and see these challenges as opportunities of learning and growth - as gifts. How do we do that amidst all our pain and suffering? Dr. Shirzad Chamine, in his book, Positive Intelligence, wrote about The Three-Gifts Technique which will help us shift our perspectives. Think of three scenarios which could possibly arise from a negative event in your life that may be regarded as gifts or opportunities. This will take proactive intention, time and patience. It may take weeks, months or years to realise that there are gifts to these adversities. The main thing is to continue looking.
Dr. Chamine suggests that there are three gifts that may arise from these difficult situations.
Gift of Knowledge
Ask yourself what knowledge would I be able to gain from this adversity which will result in a larger pay-out in the future. For example, if you lose a bid for a major project, instead of beating yourself up about it, take time to reflect and take stock of your learnings from it. Use your learnings to think of a new strategy and implement a plan for the next bid.
Gift of Power
What power or strength must I grow to be able to handle this challenge? There are problems in our lives that are small and easy to manage. There are persistent problems but with effort and determination, they can be resolved. Then, there are the big problems that seem insurmountable. With each problem, think of your inner resources and strengths and leverage on them to address the problems. Perhaps, in the case of dealing with a difficult family member, you have to build your power of patience and empathy. Again, this will take time and intention of wanting to do so.
Gift of Inspiration
Convert the difficulty into an inspiration for something better. For example, your house was destroyed in a fire. If you use the insurance money to rebuild your house in exactly the same way as it was before, you would feel that it was such a waste of time and money. However, if you spend some time thinking of how to build a better home using the money, you will open yourself up to new ideas and feel a sense of achievement and hope of a fresh start when your new home is completed. In this example of rebuilding your house, you can also receive the gift of inspiration in the form of something unrelated to the house. You may have to live with your sister while the house is being rebuilt. Your relationship with your sister was strained in the past. Although in the beginning of your stay with her, it was extremely difficult. However, as weeks passed, both of you manage to talk through your differences and rebuilt your relationship into a stronger one. It would not have happened if you didn’t go through this difficult time in your life.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
You may be thinking that I cannot possibly do all that! How can you ask me to look for gifts in such painful, heart-breaking situations? The Three-Gifts Technique is not a quick-fix tool. We will have to apply it all our lives with persistent determination and see it as a lifelong journey of practice and growth. What is the cost of not doing so? You will be stuck in the negative situation, not being able to live life fully and meaningfully. Even if you are only able to take small steps in this direction of looking for the gifts in your adversities, you are already growing and healing slowly from the painful events. Don’t do this alone. Reach out to people who love you and who can support you in this journey. Look out for these gifts together. Support one another.
If you are currently facing a difficult situation in your life right now and want to explore how coaching can help you find the light at the end of your tunnel, drop me a note here to find out how I can support you as your coach.
I’m also running a Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan on 30 October 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). You will explore your inner resources which have helped you cope with past challenges and leverage and build upon these resources to face future challenges. This session will be conducted in a safe, non-judgmental space with me as your coach. If you feel that this is something that can help you right now, please click here to reserve your place.
“The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.”
Old Habits Die Hard
“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.”
― Samuel Johnson, English poet
We have all heard of the saying “old habits die hard”. It simply means that it is difficult to stop doing things one has been doing for a long time. The habits are ingrained in us.
Mick Jagger even wrote a song with the same title. I like this part of the lyrics:
I act like an addict, I just got to have it
I can never leave it alone …
Old habits die hard
Hard enough to feel the pain Courtesy of https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/12269068/Mick+Jagger/Old+Habits+Die+Hard
Giving up a habit is tough even if you know it is not good for you to carry on doing the things you have been doing. It is painful to stop and even if you succeed, you find yourself going back to your old ways if you are not careful. I recalled that I struggled with giving up drinking coffee during my pregnancies. I knew it was good for me and the baby not to have caffeine in my system. However, I felt like an addict. I even had headaches and mild anxiety attacks as withdrawal symptoms when I stopped drinking coffee. Did I persist in refraining from drinking coffee? Yes, painful as it was, I reminded myself of the larger purpose - what would it cost me and the baby if I carried on drinking 2 to 3 cups of coffee a day? With that purpose and focus in mind, I stopped drinking coffee.
Of course, I am back to being an avid coffee drinker now as I no longer have a purpose mandating the change. A change or break from our habits require focus, determination and quite likely, another new habit to replace the old one. I know that replacing eating cookies with low fat yoghurt may not be exciting or enticing enough (my kids can vouch for this!) but it’s a good first step in the right direction. If you go cold turkey i.e. stop the old habit immediately without a substitute, you will find yourself feeling very empty which will make it more difficult for you to sustain resisting the old habit.
You would think the expected solution for my coffee-drinking habit is to drink decaffeinated coffee instead. That didn’t work for me. Drinking decaf coffee just reinforced how much I enjoyed drinking coffee and made me miss it even more. I decided to switch to tea. Although I enjoyed drinking tea on certain occasions, it was quite an adjustment for me to have a cup of tea first thing in the morning when my usual go-to drink was coffee. However, with time and intentionally reminding myself to savour the moments while I was drinking tea, I managed to break my habit of drinking coffee.
I’m back to it now as I don’t have a higher purpose to stop drinking coffee. However, I now take my coffee without sugar and only with low fat milk so I’m taking steps in the right direction to good health.
“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.”
– John C. Maxwell, American author
It is overwhelming to think of stopping an old habit as it has already become a part of you. The key thing to remember is to make small manageable changes in your routine. Once these changes become second nature to you, it will be easier for you to move on to make bigger changes.
It is also helpful to have implementation intentions when you are working on putting a new habit in place. This tool was created by Noel Lyons MSc (http://www.WellCoach.co.uk).
Implementation intentions are “if-then” plans. Forming an implementation intention will help you actually carry out the behaviour you intend.
Think about your intention of starting this new habit. Why do you want to do it? What is your larger purpose? What would it cost you if you didn’t replace your old habit with this new one?
The planning stage (‘if-then” scenarios). Think of possible scenarios of how you will act in relation to your new habit when something happens to prevent you from sticking with it - “If X happens, then I will do Y".” X can be a time, place or event. Y is the specific action that you will take whenever X occurs.
If I eat a chocolate bar instead of a healthy snack, I will run on the spot for 10 minutes after reaching home from work.
If I sleep late again, I will turn off all my devices by 8pm and turn in by 10pm.
If I binge-watch shows on Netflix, I will spend an extra hour working on my project/assignment the next day.
If I have to work late today and I don’t have time to go to the gym, then I’ll wake up 30 min earlier tomorrow and go for a run before breakfast.
Go ahead and implement the “if-then” plans that you have created. Evaluate their effectiveness in keeping you committed to your new habit. Change and adjust these plans to improve your commitment. See it as a learning journey and not a failure if you didn’t manage to do your “Y” when the “X” occurs. Remember that it takes time for your brain to rewire itself and for you to take on a new unfamiliar path.
Do reach out to me here if you want to have a deeper discussion on cultivating new habits and getting rid of old ones that are holding you back in living a fulfilling life.
I am also holding a group coaching session to help you create your unique resilience plan on 30 October 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). Reserve your place here!