Too Quiet
“Introverts keep their best stuff inside—that is, until it is ready. And this drives extroverts crazy! The explanation for the introvert’s behaviour—and there must be an explanation for this behavior, say the extroverts—is that he or she is antisocial, out of touch, or simply a snob.”
― Laurie Helgoe, American author
I recently had meetings with my children’s teachers before the start of the school break to receive feedback on their progress in school. It was assuring for me hear that there were no academic concerns that needed to be addressed. However, all their teachers shared their concerns about my children being too quiet and introverted. In my teenage son’s case, the teachers felt that he gave the impression of being too laid back and disinterested in the lessons. Coincidentally, he is also seated at the back of the class as he is on the taller side and keeps pretty much to himself when lessons are conducted. You will never find him raising his hand to answer any questions or volunteer to step up in front of the class to present and speak on a topic.
As for my daughters, the older one was seen as being uncommunicative and not expressive of her thoughts and feelings. My youngest daughter also received similar feedback and the teachers were concerned that she didn’t make any friends since the start of the school year.
My first reaction after these meetings ended was a mixture of frustration and disbelief. Why is introversion viewed negatively by people in general? Yes, my children are introverts just like their parents but that doesn’t mean that they are incapable of adjusting socially in this noisy world. After I calmed myself down and had a discussion with my husband, we spoke to each child individually and worked with them on what they can do to give their teachers and classmates a better impression. We also assured them that there is nothing wrong in being an introvert. It’s just at times, people in general don’t understand introversion and equate being quiet and contented in oneself as anti-social, unengaged or snobbish!
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.”
Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking shared this nugget of wisdom, “Figure out what you are meant to contribute to the world and make sure you contribute it. If this requires public speaking or networking or other activities that make you uncomfortable, do them anyway. But accept that they're difficult, get the training you need to make them easier, and reward yourself when you're done.”
That was exactly what we explored with each of our children.
For my son, we discussed how he can show more interest in class and I knew that I cannot persuade him to volunteer to speak up in class. Instead, he suggested that he has one-to-one sessions with his Math teacher over the school break to strengthen his understanding of the subject. The teacher had always expressed his willingness to help so it was a matter of my son taking the initiative to meet with him. We also encouraged him to present for the group work that he does with his friends as he often is happy to do the research but holds back from speaking about the final product. It will definitely be uncomfortable for him! We reminded him that public speaking is a valuable skill to pick up as we will all need to do it in the workplace. Hopefully, our nudges will steer him in the right direction.
As for the girls, we told the elder one that she has to communicate her thoughts, in particular if she is unhappy about something or uncertain about the teachers’ instructions as it’s to her detriment if she just stays quiet. We told her that no one will judge her negatively if she just asks. I reminded her that more often than not, we think of the situation as being worse than they actually are. My youngest daughter’s teacher had taken the initiative to pair her up with a buddy over the school break. I advised her that this is a good opportunity to develop a new friendship and helped her create an email to this new friend.
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash
Are you an introvert? Do you face issues at your workplace due to your introversion? Perhaps you are not recognised for your contribution as much as your more outspoken colleagues.
Here are my thoughts along the lines of what I shared in my conversations with my children:
Speak up but in a way that works for you
We all have difficulty stepping outside our comfort zone. However, when we hold ourselves back, we end up being over-looked and our contribution to our workplace is also less impactful. Is it speaking up in meetings that you feel awkward about? Experiment by speaking up in smaller meetings on a subject matter that you know very well. Slowly build up your confidence. If it’s public speaking that causes the butterflies in your stomach, explore how you can learn this skill and practice.
Suspend judgment
We often overthink issues in our minds. We jump to conclusions about how bad a situation is and then our thoughts spiral downwards, out of control. The classic example is when your manager walks past you in the corridor and doesn’t smile at you. Your likely first reaction is, “Oh no, he’s angry at me! What did I do?” but how true is that? You don’t know at that point in time. There could be a number of reasons why he didn’t acknowledge you. Don’t accept every thought that comes up in your mind as the absolute truth. Question your assumptions. As much as we don’t like to hear this (because we are all egotistical beings), it’s not always about you!
Seek help and support
If your issue is too big for you to handle on your own, seek help. Have a one-to-one conversation with your manager or supervisor. If it is a sensitive matter, don’t hesitate to raise it through the proper channels within the framework of your organisation. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Seek support as well from your colleagues and peers. Share your experiences with other introverted colleagues. Collaborate with extroverted peers. The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to go through your challenges alone.
Debbie Tung - Wheresmybubble Instagram
If you are an introvert and would like the support of an introverted coach who understands the unique challenges an introvert faces in this loud and noisy world, book a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me here to find out how I can help you.
Find your powerful quiet voice and live life fully on your own terms.
What’s Your Superpower?
“As it turned out, if you look at the history, everything in superhero comic books pretty much lies between Superman and Batman: Superman being the greatest superhero there is, and Batman being the one of the few superheroes who has no superpowers and is, in fact, not a superhero.”
I’m more of a Batman fan. Why? Something about the darker side of him appeals to me. He suffered a terrible tragedy when he lost his parents. His rage for revenge initially consumed him but he turned it around and used it as a powerful, relentless motivation for him to cleanse the City of Gotham. It’s a fantastic turnaround story!
I also like the humanity of Batman. He struggles with his dark side. He puts up a facade when he is out and about as billionaire Bruce Wayne. He doesn’t let anyone get too close to him. He is still hurting.
Aren’t we all like Batman in some ways? We all have our secrets. We are worried that if people knew our secrets, they won’t like us anymore. We put up a brave front in public. We tell everyone that we are fine when deep down inside, we feel lost and empty.
One lesson we can learn from Batman is that no matter how broken we are, we can consciously choose to still do good in this world. We don’t have to be perfect to make a difference.
Anyway, my children and I were casually discussing the types of superpowers we would like to have. This conversation started when my girls asked me about why I enjoyed watching the reruns of Heroes. Heroes is an American TV series (2006-2010) set around the stories of ordinary people who discover that they have superhuman abilities and how these abilities take effect in the characters' lives as they work together to prevent catastrophic futures.
So, if you could have a superpower, what would it be?
My elder daughter said she would like to be invisible as she could move around unnoticed. She could go about doing the things she wanted to do without me or her teachers stopping her. As for my younger girl, she wanted the power of flight. She said it was tiring for her to walk to school daily so it would be so much easier if she could just fly there. She also liked the idea of flying as it’s just fun!
What powers did I choose? Well, I was toying between being a mind reader and having the ability to travel through time. If I were a mind reader, it would definitely make understanding people so much easier. It would be a great coaching tool too! As for time travelling, it’s something I’ve always been fascinated with as I’m a big fan of Quantum Leap, another American TV series (1989-1993). The hero, Dr. Sam Beckett, a physicist who leaps through space and time during an experiment in time travel, by temporarily taking the place of other people to correct historical mistakes. Each episode begins with the narrator saying, “Trapped in the past, Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, putting things right that once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.”
I would travel back in time to correct my countless mistakes as well as prevent others from making bad choices in their lives. As I am a planner and struggle with uncertainties and the great unknown, my power of time travel will allow me to see the outcomes of the future and be assured that the decisions that I make today are the right ones.
What are our choices of superpowers really saying about our deepest desires? There is a common theme in the choices made by my daughters and me. Invisibility, flying, mind reading and time travel: we all want things to be EASIER. SIMPLER. My daughter doesn’t want to be nagged me when I catch her playing online games instead of completing her homework. My younger girl just wants to travel with ease and style! If I can read people’s minds, I can better understand their motives and intentions and it just makes relationships much easier to manage! As for time travel, I can erase my past mistakes and face the future without any fears. EASY, right?
“Do not pray for an easy life, pray for strength to endure a difficult one.”
- Bruce Lee, Hong Kong American martial artist
As you think of your choice of superpower, what benefits do you want to gain from this power? What struggles are you hoping for it to rescue you from? How will this power make your life better?
The reality is that we don’t have superhuman abilities. However, we have powerful minds. Our thoughts are what shape our behaviours and actions. The way we look at our external circumstances determines our reactions to them. If we adopt a negative outlook in life, it will seem as though almost everything that happens to us is bad and the universe is against us. If we seek the lessons and gifts from each difficult situation in our lives, we will develop strong mental muscles and will be better equipped to cope with future adversities.
We often allow the voices in our minds, our saboteurs, to hold us back from really doing what we want to do in life. These saboteurs lie to us by saying that they are protecting us from bad things, that we are not good enough and that we are better off just staying where we are and not try anything new. We want to move to higher level, sage thinking which ignites our powers of empathy, curiosity and purpose.
I run a 6-weeks mental fitness program which will help you recognise your saboteurs and equip you to move towards living your life from a sage perspective. The program is based on Dr. Shirzad Chamine’s research and book titled Positive Intelligence. The materials and exercises for this program are contained in a phone app which you can access at any time of the day. You will also benefit from weekly 30-minutes coaching sessions with me for the duration of the program.
The first step is to take the free Saboteurs assessment on the Positive Intelligence website (https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments/). If you find that the results accurately reflect your current ways of thinking and want to explore a different way of thinking, please reach out to me here to find out more about this program today.
“Your Sage’s five great powers are (1) to Explore with great curiosity and an open mind; (2) to Empathize with yourself and others and bring compassion and understanding to any situation; (3) to Innovate and create new perspectives and outside-the-box solutions; (4) to Navigate and choose a path that best aligns with your deeper underlying values and mission; and (5) to Activate and take decisive action without the distress, interference, or distractions of the Saboteurs.”
What’s Your Cuppa?
“What on earth could be more luxurious than a sofa, a book, and a cup of coffee?”
-Anthony Trollope, English novelist
For an introvert like me who recharges with spending time alone, “Absolutely nothing!” is my answer to the question posed by the novelist in his quote above. If I can spend every morning with a nice hot cup of coffee and a good book with no other demands on my time, that will be sheer bliss for me. Unfortunately, given my busy weekday morning schedule with seeing my daughters off to school and morning calls, my coffee time is often more of a necessity to keep me going rather than a luxury to be savoured.
Do you enjoy your coffee as much as I do? I enjoy a nice cup of tea every now and again but have a special relationship with coffee. Coffee has seen me through law school and bar exams, faithfully supporting me through long nights of working through my litigation files in the early years of my legal career. If I don’t drink a cup of coffee in the morning before I start my day, I often find that I am not fully functional. It’s as though I can’t start my day right without coffee. Have I refrained from drinking coffee before? Yes, when I was pregnant with each of my children but never again! My love affair with coffee is here to stay!
That’s why when I came across this article by Emily Waters on PsychCentral.com titled “What Does Your Coffee Reveal About You?”, I couldn’t resist sharing it with all of you! She extracted the information from Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s book, You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life and came up with a list summarising his survey results of different coffee drinkers’ personalities based on their favourite types of coffee. Have a look and see which category you may fall into, with a pinch of salt. I don’t believe we can easily pigeon-hole ourselves into neat stereotypes based on the beverages we drink but let’s just have fun with it!
Black Coffee - Personality Traits - Old school and purist
The Light Side
Keep things simple
Patient
Efficient
The Dark Side
Can be quiet and moody
Abrupt and dismissive
Sort of set in their ways
Resistant to making changes
Latte with milk/cream and sugar - Personality Traits - Comfort seekers, people pleasers, open book, likes to soften the bitterness of life
The Light Side
Generous with time
Will go out of their way to help others
The Dark Side
Can get over-extended
Don’t always take great care of themselves
Frozen/blended coffee - Personality Traits - Try lots of new things, socially bold, trendsetters
The Light Side
Childlike
Spontaneous
Imaginative
The Dark Side
Fall for quick fixes
Don’t always make healthy choices
Can be reckless
Decaf/ soy milk/ Very specifically ordered coffee - Personality Traits - Likes being in control, may be labeled as selfish, obsessive, perfectionist, very aware of their health and bodies
The Light Side
Monitor their health
Tend to make healthy choices
The Dark Side
Overfocus on rules, control and order
Overly sensitive
Tend to be worriers
Instant coffee - Personality Traits - Traditional in some ways, laid back, may procrastinate
The Light Side
Take life as it comes
Don’t get too lost in details
The Dark Side
Too laid back
Put things off and may neglect basic health issues
Poor planners
As I said, take the above with a pinch of salt. I am a latte drinker - it’s my go-to drink, almost defaulted in my system. However, I don’t take my latte with sugar. How shall I interpret my traits then? I am an open book but without the sugar, I don’t sugar-coat the bitterness of life? Who knows?
Photo by Matt Walsh on Unsplash
We all know that personality tests and quizzes are not entirely accurate and a lot of the ones found online are not scientifically proven either. Then, why do we enjoy doing them? Why do we believe that our resilience directly correlates with our choice of favourite movie characters? Will your affinity to a particular colour have an impact on your outlook in life? Does it give us comfort to know that our preference for a particular Disney princess will indicate the personality traits of our future spouse?
I know it sounds ridiculous. I think we enjoy doing such quizzes because they provide us with simple answers on why we behave in a certain way. If I like purple, it means that I am a perfectionist. Simple, right? I don’t have to go deep and think about why I always have to ensure that everything is perfect. I can just say it’s because I like the colour purple!
We want our lives to be simple, to have clear answers to difficult issues and situations. We want to be able to categorise the causes of our bad choices in life into neat compartments. We want to take a happy pill and make all the misery disappear. It is painful for us to look at ourselves in the mirror at times, to admit the mistakes we have made and to change our perspectives on failures.
One way to find clarity for the reasons of our choices in life is to know our core values. I did the Values in Action Character Strengths survey several times during different phases of my life and each time, my top 5 values remained the same, albeit in different orders. Values are our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people and ourselves. They are what we stand for in life, how we want to behave and what sort of person we want to be.
Try this free test at https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/account/register and discover your core values based on proven positive psychology research. If you want to explore your results and leverage on your values and character strengths to reach your goals and live a purposeful life, reach out to me here! We can talk about it over a cup of coffee!