Too Quiet
“Introverts keep their best stuff inside—that is, until it is ready. And this drives extroverts crazy! The explanation for the introvert’s behaviour—and there must be an explanation for this behavior, say the extroverts—is that he or she is antisocial, out of touch, or simply a snob.”
― Laurie Helgoe, American author
I recently had meetings with my children’s teachers before the start of the school break to receive feedback on their progress in school. It was assuring for me hear that there were no academic concerns that needed to be addressed. However, all their teachers shared their concerns about my children being too quiet and introverted. In my teenage son’s case, the teachers felt that he gave the impression of being too laid back and disinterested in the lessons. Coincidentally, he is also seated at the back of the class as he is on the taller side and keeps pretty much to himself when lessons are conducted. You will never find him raising his hand to answer any questions or volunteer to step up in front of the class to present and speak on a topic.
As for my daughters, the older one was seen as being uncommunicative and not expressive of her thoughts and feelings. My youngest daughter also received similar feedback and the teachers were concerned that she didn’t make any friends since the start of the school year.
My first reaction after these meetings ended was a mixture of frustration and disbelief. Why is introversion viewed negatively by people in general? Yes, my children are introverts just like their parents but that doesn’t mean that they are incapable of adjusting socially in this noisy world. After I calmed myself down and had a discussion with my husband, we spoke to each child individually and worked with them on what they can do to give their teachers and classmates a better impression. We also assured them that there is nothing wrong in being an introvert. It’s just at times, people in general don’t understand introversion and equate being quiet and contented in oneself as anti-social, unengaged or snobbish!
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.”
Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking shared this nugget of wisdom, “Figure out what you are meant to contribute to the world and make sure you contribute it. If this requires public speaking or networking or other activities that make you uncomfortable, do them anyway. But accept that they're difficult, get the training you need to make them easier, and reward yourself when you're done.”
That was exactly what we explored with each of our children.
For my son, we discussed how he can show more interest in class and I knew that I cannot persuade him to volunteer to speak up in class. Instead, he suggested that he has one-to-one sessions with his Math teacher over the school break to strengthen his understanding of the subject. The teacher had always expressed his willingness to help so it was a matter of my son taking the initiative to meet with him. We also encouraged him to present for the group work that he does with his friends as he often is happy to do the research but holds back from speaking about the final product. It will definitely be uncomfortable for him! We reminded him that public speaking is a valuable skill to pick up as we will all need to do it in the workplace. Hopefully, our nudges will steer him in the right direction.
As for the girls, we told the elder one that she has to communicate her thoughts, in particular if she is unhappy about something or uncertain about the teachers’ instructions as it’s to her detriment if she just stays quiet. We told her that no one will judge her negatively if she just asks. I reminded her that more often than not, we think of the situation as being worse than they actually are. My youngest daughter’s teacher had taken the initiative to pair her up with a buddy over the school break. I advised her that this is a good opportunity to develop a new friendship and helped her create an email to this new friend.
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash
Are you an introvert? Do you face issues at your workplace due to your introversion? Perhaps you are not recognised for your contribution as much as your more outspoken colleagues.
Here are my thoughts along the lines of what I shared in my conversations with my children:
Speak up but in a way that works for you
We all have difficulty stepping outside our comfort zone. However, when we hold ourselves back, we end up being over-looked and our contribution to our workplace is also less impactful. Is it speaking up in meetings that you feel awkward about? Experiment by speaking up in smaller meetings on a subject matter that you know very well. Slowly build up your confidence. If it’s public speaking that causes the butterflies in your stomach, explore how you can learn this skill and practice.
Suspend judgment
We often overthink issues in our minds. We jump to conclusions about how bad a situation is and then our thoughts spiral downwards, out of control. The classic example is when your manager walks past you in the corridor and doesn’t smile at you. Your likely first reaction is, “Oh no, he’s angry at me! What did I do?” but how true is that? You don’t know at that point in time. There could be a number of reasons why he didn’t acknowledge you. Don’t accept every thought that comes up in your mind as the absolute truth. Question your assumptions. As much as we don’t like to hear this (because we are all egotistical beings), it’s not always about you!
Seek help and support
If your issue is too big for you to handle on your own, seek help. Have a one-to-one conversation with your manager or supervisor. If it is a sensitive matter, don’t hesitate to raise it through the proper channels within the framework of your organisation. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Seek support as well from your colleagues and peers. Share your experiences with other introverted colleagues. Collaborate with extroverted peers. The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to go through your challenges alone.
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If you are an introvert and would like the support of an introverted coach who understands the unique challenges an introvert faces in this loud and noisy world, book a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me here to find out how I can help you.
Find your powerful quiet voice and live life fully on your own terms.
