Walking a Mile in Another’s Shoes
“You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”
Photo by Frank Busch on Unsplash
We have all heard the saying that we don’t really know what is going on in a person’s life until we wear his/her shoes and start walking in them.
“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
– Atticus Finch in To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
That’s empathy. It means that we have the ability to understand another’s feelings as though we are experiencing them ourselves. Sympathy, on the other hand, is feeling sorry that an unfortunate event happened in another person’s life. A simple way to understand the difference between sympathy and empathy is sympathy means saying, “I’m sorry for your loss." and empathy may just mean sitting quietly with the person during the difficult period. This image courtesy of https://www.grammarly.com/blog/empathy-sympathy/ provides an illustration of this distinction.
A recent event in my home deepened my understanding of empathy. One evening after all of us had finished our dinner, I asked my youngest daughter, age 8, to help me clear the table and wipe the table top. I asked her in haste and dashed off to take a coaching call. When I finished my call an hour later, I went to my daughters’ room to see what they were doing. My youngest was very quiet and didn’t want to look at me. I tried to get her to tell me what troubled her but she refused to say anything Even her elder sister didn’t know what had happened. I went to bed puzzled, unable to solve this mystery.
The next morning, as I was tying my daughter’s hair to be ready for school, she finally opened up and told me what made her upset. She said, “Mummy, you were very rude yesterday and you didn’t say ‘thank you’.” At first, I didn’t understand what she meant. Then, it hit me. She was upset because I didn’t thank her for helping me with the after-dinner chores last night. She felt unappreciated and taken for granted. I immediately apologised to her and admitted that I was wrong to be curt with her when asking her for her help.
What’s my learning on empathy in this scenario? My daughter worked hard to clear and clean the table. I failed to put myself in her shoes to fully appreciate her efforts. In my mind at that time, it was a small chore and I didn’t think it was important to give her recognition for it. I was wrong. It may seem small to me but to an eight-year-old girl who was told abruptly by her mother to carry out the task without any sign of warmth or love, it was cruel. Her mother didn’t even thank her. Her mother didn’t even know why she was upset. My ignorance made it sting even more for her.
Photo by Ed Robertson on Unsplash
What should I have done differently?
Pause
I should have just stopped. I still had 10 minutes before my call so there was still time for me to ask my daughter for her help in a nicer way. There was no real urgency for me to leave the dining room. I made it urgent as I was thinking of the time required to switch on the laptop and log onto Zoom. However, this urgency was self-imposed. I could have easily sent a text message to my client to inform her that I will be 5 minutes late. She would understand as we have a good working relationship. If I had paused and approach my daughter in a loving way, we would have spared ourselves the agony of a miserable night.
Listen
I should have listened to her, not just in terms of her words but also listen to what her body language was telling me. I should have been fully present with her. If I was present in the moment, I would have noticed that she too, was tired after a long day at school but she was willing to help me out cheerfully because she loves me. I would have noticed that she really wanted to please me by doing a good job with her chores. I would have realised that she wanted to hear my words of appreciation. A hug on the spot would have been perfect for her.
Relate
By pausing and listening to my daughter, I would have been able to relate with her better. Yes, to an adult, the chore was easy and menial. To a child, she would have taken extra care to carry the porcelain plates and bowls to the kitchen for washing. She would meticulously wipe the entire surface of the dining table, making sure it was spick and span. I would have remembered that she always takes pride in doing her tasks well. She may even have inherited my “perfectionist” gene! As she had put so much effort and diligence in this task, it was a big blow to her that her mother didn’t even notice this. To make it worse, her mother also didn’t even realise how much this upset her when her efforts were not seen or appreciated. What could I have done differently to relate better to her? I should have told her how much I appreciated her efforts in helping out earlier. I would tell her that I am grateful that with her help, I could make it to my coaching call on time. I would let her know that she has always been a great support to me and how much I love her for just being who she is.
Can you imagine how different that evening would have been if I just practised empathy? I would have a very happy eight-year-old girl who thinks the world of her mother and I would be filled with love and gratitude. This simple incident has left a strong impact on me. It serves as a reminder that I need to be more present with my children and the people I interact with. There is no need to rush. The price of my hurry and impatience was that I caused my little girl pain and sadness. This is definitely a lesson that will stay with me.
What are your thoughts as you read this post? Do you also struggle with practising empathy in your life? Do you feel that you are always rushing and you end up hurting the people who matter most to you? Do you want to find a better, slower way of living - to be more present? Reach out to me here to schedule a complimentary 30 minutes discovery call to find out how I can support you as your coach.
