Walking a Mile in Another’s Shoes
“You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”
Photo by Frank Busch on Unsplash
We have all heard the saying that we don’t really know what is going on in a person’s life until we wear his/her shoes and start walking in them.
“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
– Atticus Finch in To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
That’s empathy. It means that we have the ability to understand another’s feelings as though we are experiencing them ourselves. Sympathy, on the other hand, is feeling sorry that an unfortunate event happened in another person’s life. A simple way to understand the difference between sympathy and empathy is sympathy means saying, “I’m sorry for your loss." and empathy may just mean sitting quietly with the person during the difficult period. This image courtesy of https://www.grammarly.com/blog/empathy-sympathy/ provides an illustration of this distinction.
A recent event in my home deepened my understanding of empathy. One evening after all of us had finished our dinner, I asked my youngest daughter, age 8, to help me clear the table and wipe the table top. I asked her in haste and dashed off to take a coaching call. When I finished my call an hour later, I went to my daughters’ room to see what they were doing. My youngest was very quiet and didn’t want to look at me. I tried to get her to tell me what troubled her but she refused to say anything Even her elder sister didn’t know what had happened. I went to bed puzzled, unable to solve this mystery.
The next morning, as I was tying my daughter’s hair to be ready for school, she finally opened up and told me what made her upset. She said, “Mummy, you were very rude yesterday and you didn’t say ‘thank you’.” At first, I didn’t understand what she meant. Then, it hit me. She was upset because I didn’t thank her for helping me with the after-dinner chores last night. She felt unappreciated and taken for granted. I immediately apologised to her and admitted that I was wrong to be curt with her when asking her for her help.
What’s my learning on empathy in this scenario? My daughter worked hard to clear and clean the table. I failed to put myself in her shoes to fully appreciate her efforts. In my mind at that time, it was a small chore and I didn’t think it was important to give her recognition for it. I was wrong. It may seem small to me but to an eight-year-old girl who was told abruptly by her mother to carry out the task without any sign of warmth or love, it was cruel. Her mother didn’t even thank her. Her mother didn’t even know why she was upset. My ignorance made it sting even more for her.
Photo by Ed Robertson on Unsplash
What should I have done differently?
Pause
I should have just stopped. I still had 10 minutes before my call so there was still time for me to ask my daughter for her help in a nicer way. There was no real urgency for me to leave the dining room. I made it urgent as I was thinking of the time required to switch on the laptop and log onto Zoom. However, this urgency was self-imposed. I could have easily sent a text message to my client to inform her that I will be 5 minutes late. She would understand as we have a good working relationship. If I had paused and approach my daughter in a loving way, we would have spared ourselves the agony of a miserable night.
Listen
I should have listened to her, not just in terms of her words but also listen to what her body language was telling me. I should have been fully present with her. If I was present in the moment, I would have noticed that she too, was tired after a long day at school but she was willing to help me out cheerfully because she loves me. I would have noticed that she really wanted to please me by doing a good job with her chores. I would have realised that she wanted to hear my words of appreciation. A hug on the spot would have been perfect for her.
Relate
By pausing and listening to my daughter, I would have been able to relate with her better. Yes, to an adult, the chore was easy and menial. To a child, she would have taken extra care to carry the porcelain plates and bowls to the kitchen for washing. She would meticulously wipe the entire surface of the dining table, making sure it was spick and span. I would have remembered that she always takes pride in doing her tasks well. She may even have inherited my “perfectionist” gene! As she had put so much effort and diligence in this task, it was a big blow to her that her mother didn’t even notice this. To make it worse, her mother also didn’t even realise how much this upset her when her efforts were not seen or appreciated. What could I have done differently to relate better to her? I should have told her how much I appreciated her efforts in helping out earlier. I would tell her that I am grateful that with her help, I could make it to my coaching call on time. I would let her know that she has always been a great support to me and how much I love her for just being who she is.
Can you imagine how different that evening would have been if I just practised empathy? I would have a very happy eight-year-old girl who thinks the world of her mother and I would be filled with love and gratitude. This simple incident has left a strong impact on me. It serves as a reminder that I need to be more present with my children and the people I interact with. There is no need to rush. The price of my hurry and impatience was that I caused my little girl pain and sadness. This is definitely a lesson that will stay with me.
What are your thoughts as you read this post? Do you also struggle with practising empathy in your life? Do you feel that you are always rushing and you end up hurting the people who matter most to you? Do you want to find a better, slower way of living - to be more present? Reach out to me here to schedule a complimentary 30 minutes discovery call to find out how I can support you as your coach.
“In an age of speed, I began to think, nothing could be more invigorating than going slow. In an age of distraction, nothing can feel more luxurious than paying attention.” — Pico Iyer, British essayist
Hello??!
“People don’t listen to understand. They listen to reply. The collective monologue is everyone talking and no one listening.”
Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash
One of the ICF Core Competencies that the coach really has to master in order to effectively support the client is Competency No. 6 Listens Actively. You would have thought that talking/speaking is the skill that requires active participation on our part. On the contrary, to actively listen takes a lot more effort than speaking. This competency is defined as the ability of the coach to focus on what the client is and is not saying to fully understand what is being communicated in the context of the client systems and to support client self-expression. The coach will have to relinquish all sense of judgment and preconceived ideas of what the client is bringing into the coaching session. A coaching session is never about the coach. The coaching session is purely for the client to fully express himself/herself in a safe and non-judgmental space.
Too often in the busyness and hectic pace of our lives, we do not slow down to listen to the people we communicate with. How many times have we listened only to respond? How many times have we not even heard a word that was said because our minds were too preoccupied with our own thoughts and concerns? You have experienced this at the family dining table, in team meetings, in training sessions and even in one-to-one conversations. You would justify to yourself saying that you do not have the time to just be there to listen to what the other person has to say. Your time is better spent managing the many tasks that are demanding your attention for the day. Life is too short to just sit down and be present to the person at the other end of the table. Is that so?
How did you feel when you were not listened to?
These feelings and thoughts may come up for you:
Misunderstood
Lack of importance
Sad
Not respected
Unsupported
Nobody cares
Unappreciated
Insignificant
Unworthy
Invisible
Contrast these feelings to the feelings you felt when you were truly listened to, where the other person gave you his/her full attention and was fully present. You probably felt some, if not all, of these feelings:
Acknowledged
Understood
Valued
Encouraged
Hopeful
Special
Important
Supported
Relieved
Connected
Stephen Covey in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, described communication as the most important skill in life. Habit 5 is Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood.
Stephen Covey explained that typically, we listen with our own lenses of experience and judgement and form our responses accordingly. He called this type of listening “autobiographical listening”.
Which of these types of autobiographical listening can you identify with?
Evaluating: You judge and then either agree or disagree.
Probing: You ask questions from your own frame of reference.
Advising: You give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
Interpreting: You analyse others' motives and behaviours based on your own experiences.
In order to practise Habit 5, you will have to learn how to listen empathetically. Stephen Covey defined empathetic listening as listening with the intent to understand, to really understand. In order to really understand, you will need to get inside another person’s frame of reference. You need to see the world the way they see it, through their lenses. In other words, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see the world as they see it.
In order to listen actively and empathetically, one has to:
Listen with a clean slate without interference from one’s thoughts and judgments.
Listen without the intention to respond.
Listen from a place of curiosity.
Listen with your ears to the exact words and not to interpret but to seek clarification.
Listen with your eyes to see if the non-verbal language is congruent with the words used.
Listen with your heart and feel the emotions.
I was taught this simple acronym to remind myself as a coach to resist the urge to interrupt the client before he/she has finished speaking.
W.A.I.T - “Why Am I Talking"?”
The coach will only interrupt the client if there is a clear coaching intention to it such as to clarify the session goal if what is shared clearly deviates from it. The coaching session, as a whole, allows the client to have the space to express his/her thoughts aloud. This is powerful because we seldom have the opportunity to think aloud without concerns of being laughed, ridiculed or misunderstood. In this safe space, the client will be empowered and inspired to come up with ideas and strategies to move forward in their personal and professional goals.
Have you experienced being listened to in this manner? Do you want to have an opportunity to move forward towards your goals with the support of a coach? Contact me here to start this amazing journey!
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”