Are You Successful?
“A successful life is one that is lived through understanding and pursuing one’s own path, not chasing after the dreams of others.”
This year’s Lunar New Year celebrations were subdued for me. We didn’t have many visitors given the restrictions on the number of unique visitors per day, capped at 5 persons. It’s also my second year not being home with my parents during this season. The Lunar New Year is a time for family reunions, meeting up with family members and friends whom you have not seen in a while. I recalled that when I was young and single, the most common question which I had to answer every Lunar New Year was whether or not I had a boyfriend. My answer for many years was no and my uncles and aunts were always very worried for me as they knew that I was very busy as a litigation lawyer and deeply cared about my social life, or the lack thereof. My parents did not pressure me into settling down, which I’m truly grateful for. In a recent conversation with an ex-colleague two nights ago, I asked her the same thing about her adult children. I cringed the moment after I asked the question! Why did I ask that? It was only then that I realise how much of a hold old ways of thinking still have on me.
For most Chinese, and to a large extent Asian families, there is a structured way of looking at one’s life to determine whether one is successful or not. It starts when you are young where your relatives will ask you about your academic performance. It is very important to have good grades. I know my son is relieved that no relatives have asked him this Lunar New Year about his choice of college and future academic plans. Once you have completed your education, the questions will relate to the types of job you hold. A stable permanent job proves to your relatives that you are mature and capable of supporting yourself. I know times have changed vastly and permanency of a particular role is not one of the top criteria for someone who is looking for work today. However, I think it’s still a long way off for us to fully embrace the gig economy and flexible work. I was having a fixed mindset about my career and purpose not too long ago and it was only when I started training as a coach back in 2019 that I had my own perspective shifts.
Another favourite topic of discussion as I have earlier alluded to is your relationship status. Why are you still single? Well meaning relatives will start thinking of possible suitors you should meet. If you eventually settle down in a marriage, the next question is when will you start a family? I recalled well-intentioned aunts telling me that I shouldn’t focus so much on my legal career. They reminded me that it’s very sad to end up as an old spinster with no husband and no children. You would have thought the questions will stop after I was married. No, the focus then moved on to why I wasn’t having any children yet. It also didn’t stop after I had my son. The questions eventually stopped after my 3rd child!
I also found that there was a lot of comparison when we gathered together with extended family members during the past Lunar New Years. They compare you with their own children or people of your age and gauge if you are successful or not based on the most successful person in their circles. it’s usually someone who had studied at a good school, worked in a credible organisation and have what appears externally as a solid marriage with well-behaved children. Is this what it means to be successful?
How would you answer if someone asked you, “Are you successful?”
“Success is not measured by what you do compared to what somebody else does. Success is measured by what you do compared to what you are capable of doing.”
- Zig Ziglar, American author
How often do we reflect and take stock of how far we have come in terms of our accomplishments in life? Do we take the time to celebrate or do we just shrug it off as pure luck and move on? I came across this article which was published in Harvard Business Review in February 2004 and you can find it at this link, titled Success That Lasts by Laura Nash and Howard H. Stevenson. They had interviewed hundreds of professionals to study the assumptions behind the idea of success. They deduced from their research that there are four components to success: happiness, achievement, significance and legacy and unless you are able to touch on all four categories with regularity, you are unlikely to feel that you have been successful in life. The article helps you build your personal kaleidoscope framework of these four components to enable you to see which components require more of your time, effort and attention. The exercise is found on page 12 of the article. It will help you to frame your thoughts on success and see how your evaluations of self, family, work and community fall into each component.
After you have completed the exercise and would like to develop ways to enable you to live out your personal kaleidoscope framework more effectively, my invitation to you is to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me. Take this first step to define your personal definition of success!
