Hello??!
“People don’t listen to understand. They listen to reply. The collective monologue is everyone talking and no one listening.”
Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash
One of the ICF Core Competencies that the coach really has to master in order to effectively support the client is Competency No. 6 Listens Actively. You would have thought that talking/speaking is the skill that requires active participation on our part. On the contrary, to actively listen takes a lot more effort than speaking. This competency is defined as the ability of the coach to focus on what the client is and is not saying to fully understand what is being communicated in the context of the client systems and to support client self-expression. The coach will have to relinquish all sense of judgment and preconceived ideas of what the client is bringing into the coaching session. A coaching session is never about the coach. The coaching session is purely for the client to fully express himself/herself in a safe and non-judgmental space.
Too often in the busyness and hectic pace of our lives, we do not slow down to listen to the people we communicate with. How many times have we listened only to respond? How many times have we not even heard a word that was said because our minds were too preoccupied with our own thoughts and concerns? You have experienced this at the family dining table, in team meetings, in training sessions and even in one-to-one conversations. You would justify to yourself saying that you do not have the time to just be there to listen to what the other person has to say. Your time is better spent managing the many tasks that are demanding your attention for the day. Life is too short to just sit down and be present to the person at the other end of the table. Is that so?
How did you feel when you were not listened to?
These feelings and thoughts may come up for you:
Misunderstood
Lack of importance
Sad
Not respected
Unsupported
Nobody cares
Unappreciated
Insignificant
Unworthy
Invisible
Contrast these feelings to the feelings you felt when you were truly listened to, where the other person gave you his/her full attention and was fully present. You probably felt some, if not all, of these feelings:
Acknowledged
Understood
Valued
Encouraged
Hopeful
Special
Important
Supported
Relieved
Connected
Stephen Covey in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, described communication as the most important skill in life. Habit 5 is Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood.
Stephen Covey explained that typically, we listen with our own lenses of experience and judgement and form our responses accordingly. He called this type of listening “autobiographical listening”.
Which of these types of autobiographical listening can you identify with?
Evaluating: You judge and then either agree or disagree.
Probing: You ask questions from your own frame of reference.
Advising: You give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
Interpreting: You analyse others' motives and behaviours based on your own experiences.
In order to practise Habit 5, you will have to learn how to listen empathetically. Stephen Covey defined empathetic listening as listening with the intent to understand, to really understand. In order to really understand, you will need to get inside another person’s frame of reference. You need to see the world the way they see it, through their lenses. In other words, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see the world as they see it.
In order to listen actively and empathetically, one has to:
Listen with a clean slate without interference from one’s thoughts and judgments.
Listen without the intention to respond.
Listen from a place of curiosity.
Listen with your ears to the exact words and not to interpret but to seek clarification.
Listen with your eyes to see if the non-verbal language is congruent with the words used.
Listen with your heart and feel the emotions.
I was taught this simple acronym to remind myself as a coach to resist the urge to interrupt the client before he/she has finished speaking.
W.A.I.T - “Why Am I Talking"?”
The coach will only interrupt the client if there is a clear coaching intention to it such as to clarify the session goal if what is shared clearly deviates from it. The coaching session, as a whole, allows the client to have the space to express his/her thoughts aloud. This is powerful because we seldom have the opportunity to think aloud without concerns of being laughed, ridiculed or misunderstood. In this safe space, the client will be empowered and inspired to come up with ideas and strategies to move forward in their personal and professional goals.
Have you experienced being listened to in this manner? Do you want to have an opportunity to move forward towards your goals with the support of a coach? Contact me here to start this amazing journey!
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”
