Have You Lived Emotionally?
I was rewatching the final episode of Season 4 of Ally McBeal recently and this scene between Richard Fish and John Cage, the two senior partners of the law firm, Cage and Fish stuck in my mind for days. [Ally McBeal was an American legal comedy drama series that ran for 5 seasons from 1997 to 2002 and won several Emmy and Golden Globe Awards for Outstanding Comedy Series.]
John found Richard sitting in his office looking gloomy.
John: What's going on?
Richard: I'm sad.
John: I can read between the lines. [Richard was actually wearing a placard on his neck that said "Go Away! I'm sad!"] Can you tell me what about?
Richard: This is a cold place.
John: Cold? How?
Richard: How? Jane [Richard's new assistant] said something about...sighs...We used to all be friends. We'd go to the bar, we'd laugh together. We all cared about each other.
John: We still go to the bar.
Richard: What happened? This isn't the kind of firm we planned to have.
John: Richard, all you ever sought is money.
Richard: For me, yes. But I wanted to at least be surrounded with a little humanity...to go with my money.
John: I've had a wonderful year, as has Ally. We've loved, had our hearts broken, felt enormous pain. But we lived emotionally. Now you...I've even seen a side of you crack through with Jane that I never...What Jane is referring to and I think what you're experiencing...Most of the people here, they don't live emotionally.
Richard: We need to fix that. I want this to be a place of compassion. Should we fire them?
John: Well, as acts of compassion go, that wouldn't be my first choice. But it is time for a change, Richard...a big one... [insightful music plays] ...
I didn't choose to share this quirky conversation so that people will do something drastic like fire their more reserved and conservative employees. What struck me with this particular exchange between Richard and John is that we don't feel our emotions for a long duration of time, we end up feeling hollow and empty. It's as though we are just going through the motions of daily routine without really being present. Neither am I saying that we should act on all our emotions all the time without reason. I started to think about what is may mean to live emotionally. John and Ally in Season 4 went through deep personal relationships with their respective partners but those relationships ended. They processed their emotions and sat in their grief. They came out from those relationships, with more understanding of who they are as individuals and became stronger.
Feel the emotions and appreciate the present
My youngest daughter was feeling sad the other day when she realised that I am turning 50 later this year. To her, half a century old is ancient and defies logic. She was afraid that I will die soon and will not be there with her when she becomes an adult. She asked me for advice on how to handle her pain and grief when I die. I assured her that she will be strong enough to handle the pain and it is fine to cry and grief. These feelings are normal. We then talked about not having regrets if I were to die tomorrow. That helped her with her thoughts and emotions. She is naturally a very affectionate and caring person but after this conversation, she has been even more intentional in expressing her love for me, especially before she goes to bed so that I know she loves me. Our conversation on managing grief has helped her to focus on what we have in the present moment and appreciate these moments, even if they are mundane and routine.
Feel the emotions and understand what they are trying to tell you
Just as Richard was feeling sad and didn't quite understand the reason for his sadness, his conversation with John helped him see that he missed the closeness he had with his colleagues. Everyone was too busy working on their cases, being caught up in their own lives and lost sight of the friendships they made at the workplace. If you are feeling a particular emotion and don't really understand why, sit with that emotion and reflect what has changed from your life circumstances that caused you to feel this way. If it's anger, reflect on what is causing your anger. I recently coached a client who was laid off from her job. Naturally, she had a lot of anger as she was a very engaged and proactive employee. Deep in her anger was a sense of betrayal - that the company had let her down. She used our coaching sessions to process her emotions and after the second session, she felt calmer and clearer in her mind of the next steps for her career. If we don't allow ourselves to process and experience our emotions, these emotions may grow into resentment and bitterness and cloud our judgment.
s may grow into resentment and bitterness and cloud our judgment.
Feel the emotions and use them to catapult you into action
I'm not challenging you to act impulsively on your emotions or to make important decisions rashly. My challenge to you here is to consider the actions you can take to address the root cause of your emotions. For example, you had an encounter with a colleague that was upsetting. What do you do? If after feeling the emotion and processing it, you feel comfortable to let your feelings go and know that your relationship with this colleague will continue as before, that's great! However, if after thinking things through, you feel compelled to have a conversation with your colleague to better understand the situation and to resolve the misunderstanding or concern and yet, you hesitate. Take this opportunity to plan on the desired outcome of the conversation. Go into the conversation with a clear intention and adopt an open and curious mindset. If it's anger, disappointment or resentment that you were overlooked for a promotion, ask yourself - what do you need to do next? Is it to schedule a one-to-one meeting with your manager to better understand the reasons you were not promoted and then to work on your areas of growth? Is it to consider that perhaps, it's time to upskill certain areas of your knowledge and expertise? Use your emotions as a catalyst for change - change for the better and to grow both personally and professionally.
What will you do the next time you are emotional? I hope that these three broad approaches will help you in your own reflections. If you would like to have a complimentary conversation with me to discover how I can support you as a coach, feel free to reach out to me here by dropping me a personal message. I would love to hear from you!
