Have You Lived Emotionally?
I was rewatching the final episode of Season 4 of Ally McBeal recently and this scene between Richard Fish and John Cage, the two senior partners of the law firm, Cage and Fish stuck in my mind for days. [Ally McBeal was an American legal comedy drama series that ran for 5 seasons from 1997 to 2002 and won several Emmy and Golden Globe Awards for Outstanding Comedy Series.]
John found Richard sitting in his office looking gloomy.
John: What's going on?
Richard: I'm sad.
John: I can read between the lines. [Richard was actually wearing a placard on his neck that said "Go Away! I'm sad!"] Can you tell me what about?
Richard: This is a cold place.
John: Cold? How?
Richard: How? Jane [Richard's new assistant] said something about...sighs...We used to all be friends. We'd go to the bar, we'd laugh together. We all cared about each other.
John: We still go to the bar.
Richard: What happened? This isn't the kind of firm we planned to have.
John: Richard, all you ever sought is money.
Richard: For me, yes. But I wanted to at least be surrounded with a little humanity...to go with my money.
John: I've had a wonderful year, as has Ally. We've loved, had our hearts broken, felt enormous pain. But we lived emotionally. Now you...I've even seen a side of you crack through with Jane that I never...What Jane is referring to and I think what you're experiencing...Most of the people here, they don't live emotionally.
Richard: We need to fix that. I want this to be a place of compassion. Should we fire them?
John: Well, as acts of compassion go, that wouldn't be my first choice. But it is time for a change, Richard...a big one... [insightful music plays] ...
I didn't choose to share this quirky conversation so that people will do something drastic like fire their more reserved and conservative employees. What struck me with this particular exchange between Richard and John is that we don't feel our emotions for a long duration of time, we end up feeling hollow and empty. It's as though we are just going through the motions of daily routine without really being present. Neither am I saying that we should act on all our emotions all the time without reason. I started to think about what is may mean to live emotionally. John and Ally in Season 4 went through deep personal relationships with their respective partners but those relationships ended. They processed their emotions and sat in their grief. They came out from those relationships, with more understanding of who they are as individuals and became stronger.
Feel the emotions and appreciate the present
My youngest daughter was feeling sad the other day when she realised that I am turning 50 later this year. To her, half a century old is ancient and defies logic. She was afraid that I will die soon and will not be there with her when she becomes an adult. She asked me for advice on how to handle her pain and grief when I die. I assured her that she will be strong enough to handle the pain and it is fine to cry and grief. These feelings are normal. We then talked about not having regrets if I were to die tomorrow. That helped her with her thoughts and emotions. She is naturally a very affectionate and caring person but after this conversation, she has been even more intentional in expressing her love for me, especially before she goes to bed so that I know she loves me. Our conversation on managing grief has helped her to focus on what we have in the present moment and appreciate these moments, even if they are mundane and routine.
Feel the emotions and understand what they are trying to tell you
Just as Richard was feeling sad and didn't quite understand the reason for his sadness, his conversation with John helped him see that he missed the closeness he had with his colleagues. Everyone was too busy working on their cases, being caught up in their own lives and lost sight of the friendships they made at the workplace. If you are feeling a particular emotion and don't really understand why, sit with that emotion and reflect what has changed from your life circumstances that caused you to feel this way. If it's anger, reflect on what is causing your anger. I recently coached a client who was laid off from her job. Naturally, she had a lot of anger as she was a very engaged and proactive employee. Deep in her anger was a sense of betrayal - that the company had let her down. She used our coaching sessions to process her emotions and after the second session, she felt calmer and clearer in her mind of the next steps for her career. If we don't allow ourselves to process and experience our emotions, these emotions may grow into resentment and bitterness and cloud our judgment.
s may grow into resentment and bitterness and cloud our judgment.
Feel the emotions and use them to catapult you into action
I'm not challenging you to act impulsively on your emotions or to make important decisions rashly. My challenge to you here is to consider the actions you can take to address the root cause of your emotions. For example, you had an encounter with a colleague that was upsetting. What do you do? If after feeling the emotion and processing it, you feel comfortable to let your feelings go and know that your relationship with this colleague will continue as before, that's great! However, if after thinking things through, you feel compelled to have a conversation with your colleague to better understand the situation and to resolve the misunderstanding or concern and yet, you hesitate. Take this opportunity to plan on the desired outcome of the conversation. Go into the conversation with a clear intention and adopt an open and curious mindset. If it's anger, disappointment or resentment that you were overlooked for a promotion, ask yourself - what do you need to do next? Is it to schedule a one-to-one meeting with your manager to better understand the reasons you were not promoted and then to work on your areas of growth? Is it to consider that perhaps, it's time to upskill certain areas of your knowledge and expertise? Use your emotions as a catalyst for change - change for the better and to grow both personally and professionally.
What will you do the next time you are emotional? I hope that these three broad approaches will help you in your own reflections. If you would like to have a complimentary conversation with me to discover how I can support you as a coach, feel free to reach out to me here by dropping me a personal message. I would love to hear from you!
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
– Oscar Wilde
I hope we are all doing what we can to truly live and not just exist!
I Want It Now!
“If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of life I shall have to wear it off. ”
Photo by Trym Nilsen on Unsplash
I wanted it and I thought I had it. It was a project that I pitched for and I thought my proposal met their requirements. I received news two weeks later that I didn’t get it. They didn’t provide any specific explanation, just that I’m not the person they were looking for. Thoughts raced in my mind. What did I do wrong? What did I miss? What should I have said? I didn’t receive any answers to these questions. I was feeling unsettled. It was a setback.
I was disappointed.
What is disappointment? It is the sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one's hopes or expectations. In my case, it was my expectation that I would land this project. What is your current disappointment? Is it not getting the job you wanted even after what you thought was a good interview? Is it being overlooked for a promotion? We know what it feels like to be that 5-year-old kid who wanted to win the giant teddy bear at the amusement park but his father just couldn’t hit all the tin cans in the booth to win it. Who do you think was more disappointed - the kid or the father? The kid was disappointed because he didn’t walk away, hugging his desired prize. The father was disappointed because he couldn’t make his son happy. Disappointment stems from unmet expectations, shattered hopes. Does this mean that we won’t be disappointed if we don’t hope? Perhaps. Do you want to live a life without hope? Not waking up feeling excited about what the day lies ahead. Not planning for the future. Not working towards making your dreams come true. That would be as though you are just settling, that you have given up in life. Is that the type of life that you want to lead just to avoid disappointments?
It is painful to be disappointed. Sometimes, it is so painful that you just want to stay in bed and not get up to face the world. So, what can you do to lessen the pain of disappointment?
“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.”
― Robert Kiyosaki, American businessman
Photo by Austin Kehmeier on Unsplash
What lessons did I learn from my recent episode on disappointment?
Time
How long do I want to stay disappointed? I allowed myself time to “mourn” the loss. I felt the negative emotions. I labelled each emotion and observed them with curiosity, not attaching any weight or importance to them. Yes, they were strong emotions of rejection, anger and sadness but they do not form the essence of who I am as a person. I then chose to do something completely different to centre myself. I listened to Christian music while doing mundane household chores! The important lesson for me here is to not to allow these emotions to overwhelm and consume me.
Support
When I learnt of the rejection, I called my husband at work to give him a quick update. We then talked more about it later that day. He provided an objective perspective as he was not involved in the incident. He reaffirmed my capabilities and helped me see that this is not “the end of the world” for me. Yes, I have a tendency to catastrophize! He highlighted the good parts of the situation in that they did get back to me rather than keeping silent. I had the closure I needed. He said I had put a lot of effort into the proposal and is proud of me. He reminded me of my strengths and helped me to appreciate what I have in my life right now rather than focusing on what got away.
Growth
I also have a tendency to judge myself harshly. I tend to be critical and not as forgiving towards myself as I am towards others. I learnt from this episode that it doesn’t help me to be judgmental about what happened. The matter is over. I have to move on but without judgment or blame as it is not my fault and neither is it the fault of the other party. My proposal wasn’t what they were looking for. Simple as that. So, what do I want to take away from this episode with discernment and not judgment? I came up with a few things to improve on. I will do more research on the organisation I’m pitching to, find out their nuances and their pain points in greater detail. I learnt that even the tone and language that I used in my proposal has to suit their organisational culture. It also reminded me of the importance of relationship building and I am glad that this episode ended on a positive note. I may not be the right fit for them now but with a good relationship, this door may open again at a later stage.
How do you cope when you are disappointed? What is your greatest challenge? Is it “fighting” against your own negative thoughts and emotions? Is it getting stuck in the situation and not seeing any way out? Do you find that you lack morale support and encouragement? What shifts in your outlook and perspectives do you need to move forward? If any of these questions strike a chord with you, do reach out to me here and we’ll explore how I can support you as your coach to better handle disappointments in your life.
“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”
- Joel Osteen, American pastor and author
Help! I’m Hijacked!
“When you’re centred, your emotions are not hijacking you.”
Photo by Jem Sahagun on Unsplash
“I’m sick and tired of you!”
“You’re horrible!”
“How could you do this to me?
“Don’t you care?”
“You’re so stupid!”
“I hate you!!”
You’ve probably said some, if not all, of the above words before when you were overwhelmed with anger, particularly towards someone close to you. You would have regretted saying them. You tell yourself that these words were said in the heat of the moment and you don’t mean them. Your negative emotions were overpowering. They hijacked your rational mind. You plead temporary insanity!
I experienced a similar hijacking last weekend. My husband was stressed and upset because he couldn’t get hold of a customer service officer of the water company to discuss an issue with our water bill. He had planned to do several things that morning and this unexpected hiccup took up a lot of his time. I also had plans that morning which were put on hold because my daughters came to me for help with their homework. The agreement was that my husband would help them with their school work that morning so that I have some time to work on a presentation I was going to give the following weekend. The girls didn’t want to approach him because he was like an angry bear with a sore head. I was upset and affected by the negative energy at home. I snapped at my girls even though they didn’t do anything wrong. It was only after 15 minutes or so that I realised that I was hijacked by my own negative emotions. I told my girls to let me have some time alone, after which I took deep breaths and looked at the situation objectively. What was within my control? What could I do about it? What am I to let go off?
After I regained my composure, I told my husband I needed to have the afternoon free to work on my presentation. I asked my elder daughter to help her younger sister with her homework first and then to come to me later with her own homework. I then spent half an hour listening to a coaching related video to centre myself.
The day ended well. My husband calmed down when he was left alone to sort out the issue with the water bill. He then helped both girls finish up their homework. I finished my presentation by dinner time. My husband and I had a chat about what happened in the morning and we agreed that it was the pressure of time and unmet expectations that caused the emotional hijacking for us.
Does my story resonate with you? We’re only human and we will always experience negative emotions. The important thing is to know that we are being hijacked and to stop the hijacking before we cause emotional pain to the people around us. If I were a black belt master at managing my emotions, I would have only allowed the hijacking to occur for a second or two and not 15 minutes. I acknowledge that I am a work in progress and will be better at managing my emotions as I increase my awareness in this area.
"The moment of emotional hijacking is apparent from the heart rate ... Muscles tense; it can seem hard to breathe. There is a swamp of toxic feelings, an unpleasant wash of fear and anger that seems inescapable and, subjectively, takes 'forever' to get over."
- Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
What can we do to stop our emotional hijacking?
Recognise the hijack
Firstly, we must know that we are being hijacked. We often don’t realise it when we are consumed by anger, frustration, anxiety, worry or any other form of strong negative emotions. The next time you feel any negative emotion, feel it in your body. See where it shows up and if there is any pain, tension or tightness. When I had that hijacking episode, I felt an increase in my heart rate and there was tension in my shoulders and neck. Once you are familiar with the physicality of your negative emotions, it will help you recognise the emotional hijacking before you are consumed by it.
Centre ourselves
So, you know you’re hijacked and now you want to regain your composure. What do you do? For me, I find that taking deep breaths and at times, walking away from the stressful situation and finding a quiet place to calm down helps. If I cannot leave the place, I just stand still, close my eyes and take deep breaths. I have done this before when I had heated arguments with my husband and son. Another approach that has helped me is to question the cause of my negative emotion. Was it due to the act of the other person or was it my own perception of the situation? More often than not, I realised that I reacted negatively because of my own judgment of the situation and in my earlier example, because of my unmet needs and expectations.
Take time when you are relaxed to think about the ways that has worked to help you stay calm and focused. Then, decide on an approach to use when the next emotional hijacking occurs.
Take positive actions
You’ve stopped the hijacking and you’re now feeling calm and centred. You can now decide how to handle the situation appropriately. As in my example, I chose to express what I needed from my husband, delegated what I can to my daughters and allowed myself to let go of the things that are beyond my control. I told myself to stay focused on finishing my presentation and had an open and honest discussion about the incident with my husband later that evening. Be proactive rather than reactive. Decide on taking the steps that will improve the situation. Be kind to yourself and let others know that you need their help. Be honest about your feelings and expectations in your communications with the people who matter to you.
Managing emotions is a skill. As with the mastery of any skill, it will take practice, persistence and patience. There will be days when you are fully in control of your emotions and there will be days when you drop the ball. It is fine. The important thing is you keep at it and not be disheartened.
If you want to explore coaching with me to help you understand and manage your emotions better, drop me a note here or schedule a free 30-minutes discovery call here. I’m happy to support you!
“It is a choice. No matter how frustrating or boring or constraining or painful or oppressive our experience, we can always choose how we respond.”
― Edith Eger, American psychologist
How Do You Speak Love?
“For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships.
Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.”
- Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages
As Valentine’s Day is around the corner, today’s post will be about the ways in which we communicate love to others and our expectations of how love is to be communicated to us. The 5 Love Languages written by Dr. Gary Chapman was first published in 1992. To me, this book is an oldie but a goodie! Dr. Chapman’s work is based on the premise that each of us communicates love in different ways. Once we understand how a person gives and receives love, we will be able to develop a better relationship with him/her.
What are the 5 Love Languages?
Words of Affirmation - we feel loved when we receive positive and encouraging words from the people who matter to us. These words can be in the form of praise, appreciation, validation and compliment.
Acts of Service - love is expressed when others do things for us, often things that we are not able to do as we’re busy or stressed or chores that we dislike.
Receiving Gifts - it is not the gift alone that signifies the love shown but the thought, time and effort put into the gift that matters.
Quality Time - we know we are loved when the other person gives us undivided attention. This may take the form of being fully present and listening without judgment.
Physical Touch - affection is shown physically in both sexual and non-sexual ways such as holding hands and hugging.
My love language is primarily receiving gifts and this is also the way I show love to others. I enjoy figuring out the types of gifts that will make my family and friends happy. I love the expression on their faces when the gifts I chose for them were exactly what they wanted. I also have an inclination towards words of affirmation as I show my love by encouraging others. When I receive words of affirmation, I feel energised and appreciated. My husband, on the other hand, is not a gift giver. He is also an introvert and expressing emotions is not second nature to him. His love language is acts of service. I recalled that in our early years of marriage, we often misunderstood our expressions of love for each other. I thought that my husband didn’t love me as much as I love him because he didn’t buy gifts for me unless it was my birthday or Christmas and he didn’t express his love for me in words. What I failed to see was that he consistently did the chores even after long days at work without complaints. He was frustrated with me as I didn’t seem to appreciate his acts of service. We were both expecting love to be shown to us in the language we were fluent in but which was not the natural language for the giver.
I’m relieved that after 18 years of marriage, we have learnt to speak each other’s love languages to a large extent. We’re both still work in progress in this area but there are definitely improvements. My husband says, “I love you” almost on a daily basis and takes time to affirm me in the areas that matters to me. He’s still not a big gift giver but I’ve come to terms with that. As for me, I take time to notice and appreciate his acts of service around the home, for me and for the kids. I am mindful not to take him for granted when he completes chores which no one else does. It has taken us time, patience and empathy to work on understanding each other better. As we grow older, quality time together is growing on us too as a common love language. I believe that although we have our primary love languages, there are instances where the other love languages resonate with us once we take the focus away from ourselves and pay keen attention to what the other wants.
My teenage son’s love language has changed as he is going through a self-discovery phase. His love language used to be receiving gifts but I’ve noticed over recent years, quality time and words of affirmation mean more to him. As for my daughters, the elder girl definitely enjoys quality time with me and my younger daughter loves hugs and kisses. I am intentional about setting aside one-to-one time with each of them throughout the week to ensure that they are loved in the way that speaks the loudest for them.
If you do not know what your love language is, you can take the quizzes found in Dr. Chapman’s website at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/. There are different quizzes for couples, singles, teens and children.
““Real love" - This kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.”
― Dr. Gary Chapman
So, you have taken the quiz and so have those whom you love. You know each other’s love languages. Now what?
Check in with yourself. Do you agree with the results of the quiz? If not, what do you think your love language is? Think about how you have shown love to others. Also, consider how you felt when love was received by you in a different love language.
Check with the people you love. Do they agree with their results? Have an open discussion on how to show love to each other. What has worked in the past? What could be done differently?
Stay curious and have fun! It’s all about keeping the communications line open, suspending judgment and being present and intentional when showing love.
If you have been going through a rough patch in your relationships, be it from a communication viewpoint or past hurts and resentment and want to explore coaching to improve your relationships, drop me a note here or schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call with me!
“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.”
Carry Your Own Weather
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In those choices lie our growth and our happiness.”
Photo by Dimitri de Vries on Unsplash
Imagine you have an important appointment to go to. You are dressed to the nines and you feel great! Suddenly, the overcast sky opens up and it starts to rain heavily. What do you do? Do you curse and bemoan your luck? You feel frustrated and anxious as you know it is very difficult to call for a taxi during bad weather and you don’t want to be late for your appointment. You start to feel pity for yourself, recalling the many times that things don’t go your way. You feel the universe is out to get you.
Or is this you? You take a deep breath and look at your watch. You tell yourself that you still have time and you can catch a bus to your appointment. You change into an old pair of comfy shoes, keep your nice ones in a shoe bag and head out with your favourite tunes playing in your earphones. You appreciate the coolness of the rainy day and are thankful that the bus arrived within 5 minutes of you waiting at the bus stop. There is an empty seat in the bus - what luck! You arrived at your destination with 15 minutes to spare.
Which of the two scenarios do you relate to the most? I admit that for most of us, it’s the first situation. We tend to react negatively to external circumstances beyond our control. We spiral downwards in our negativity, often making the situation worse than it actually is. It takes a lot of mental discipline and strong self-awareness to be able to stop yourself from reacting and consciously making choices as to how you want to react.
Dr. Stephen R. Covey wrote about the habit of being proactive in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. To be proactive means taking responsibility for your life. Reactive people are often affected by their external circumstances and physical environment. They find external sources to blame for their behaviour. If the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn't, it affects their attitude and performance, and they blame the weather.
Proactive people, on the other hand, recognize that they are "response-able." They don't blame genetics, circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behaviour. They know that they can choose their behaviour. They “carry their own weather”. Taking this outlook liberates you from being trapped in your circumstances.
"It is our choices ... that show what we truly are far more than our abilities."
-Albus Dumbledore (J.K. Rowling)
What can we do to start shifting from being reactive to proactive? We start by the words we use.
Reactive people believe they are not responsible for what they say and do--they think that they do not have a choice. Therefore, they use words like “I can’t”, “I have to” and “If only…”. A proactive person uses proactive language such as “I can”, “I will” and “I prefer”.
Instead of worrying about conditions over which they have little or no control, proactive people focus their time and energy on things they can control. The problems, challenges, and opportunities we face fall into two areas--Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence.
Everything that you are concerned about in your life, whether it is within your control or not lies in your Circle of Concern. Your Circle of Influence comprises of the things that you are concerned about that you can actually do something about. This is the circle that proactive people spend their time in.
When you think of the Covid-19 pandemic, what aspects of it are within your Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence. The following diagram, designed by Brian Pennie, provides a good illustration of these two Circles. The outer circle in blue is your Circle of Concern. You can’t expedite the making of the vaccine for the virus but you can take proper hygiene care of yourself. You can’t control how everyone else is reacting but you can choose the programs you watch and the articles that you read.
Similarly, in the example at the start of this post, the rain and the unavailability of taxis fall within your Circle of Concern but your decision either to lament your faith or proactively choose an alternative mode of transport is clearly within your Circle of Influence.
The key thing to remember is that you always have a choice. Once you make up your mind that you don’t have a choice, your power as an individual will be diminished. Take your power back by starting to see that in every situation, you have a choice and start making those choices.
If you are looking for support to move from being reactive to become more proactive in your life, please reach out to me here for a free 30 minutes discovery call on how I can help you as your coach.
I’m running a Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan on 27 November 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). You will explore your inner resources which have helped you cope with past challenges and leverage and build upon these resources to face future challenges. If you feel that this is something that can help you right now, please click here to reserve your place.
Hopes and Aspirations
“Your hopes, dreams and aspirations are legitimate. They are trying to take you airborne, above the clouds, above the storms, if you only let them.”
Reference sources for this post: 1) García, H., Miralles, F., & Cleary, H. (2017). Ikigai: The Japanese secret to a long and happy life. Penguin Books; and 2) Coaching tool developed by Elaine Houston on PositivePsychology.com
We’re at the final lap, with just two more months to go, for 2020. If you were to look back at this year a decade from now, how would you describe it? What were your memorable moments of 2020?
I think it goes without saying that this year has been unprecedented for all of us. It has been unprecedented for me in many ways. I became an International Coaching Federation credentialed coach and started my coaching business during the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic. At the same time, it has been challenging to grow my business at the pace I desired. I’ve learnt to let go and trust that God will provide my venture as I believe that He has set this purpose in my heart. I’ve been having health issues and strains in family relationships. On the flip side, my children have grown more independent and matured in their thinking. I miss my parents and have not seen them for almost a year now as they live across the border from me.
What am I looking forward to in 2021? First item on my agenda is to visit my parents as soon as border controls are lifted. The second thing is to take a long and well deserved family vacation. Thirdly, continue to improve myself as a coach to serve my clients better and create a positive impact, one person at a time!
What about you? What are you excited about in 2021?
If you are feeling lost and do not have a clear direction on what you want in your life, here are some tips on how to find and live your ikigai.
The term ikigai is a combination of the Japanese words ikiru, meaning “to live” and kai, meaning “the realization of what one hopes for” can be understood as a reason for being, or that which makes life worth living. The diagram below provides an overview of the four ingredients of ikigai.
1) You love it
What are the things that you really enjoy doing in your life? It can be something of a personal interest or hobby. It can also be activities that you do that bring you joy.
What do you never get bored of?
What were you doing when you last lost track of time?
What makes you smile?
If you didn’t have to worry about money, what would you do?
2) The world needs it
Don’t think about addressing the Covid-19 pandemic, famine, war or other global issues. Think about what your family, friends and immediate community need. Is it a particular product or service?
How do you normally help others?
What can you teach others?
What problems in your society that you would like to help solve?
What would you like to see people do more of or differently?
3) You are paid for it
Consider your previous and current jobs. What skills do you possess to carry out your responsibilities under these jobs?
What types of jobs spark your interest?
What would you be doing if you are not in your current job?
Can doing what you love provide you with a good income?
4) You are great at it
Think about your skills and strengths and all the things that you are good at. It doesn’t matter if they are big or small skills or talents. Remember these attributes are what makes you uniquely you!
What do people often approach you for help with?
What skills do you list on your resume?
What activities or skills have you devoted over 100 hours to learn and practise?
What skills or talents come naturally to you?
“The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.”
- Oprah Winfrey, American television
personality
How do we put all your answers together to find your ikigai?
What you love + What you are great at = Your passion
If any of your answers to what you love also appears as answers to what you are great at, that is your passion. However, you may feel that you are not contributing enough to the world and that you may not earn a livelihood from living out your passions.
What you love + What the world needs = Your mission
When your answers to what you love come up in your responses for what the world needs, you have found your mission. Again, you may feel that your mission may not be able to provide you with a sustainable income.
What you are paid for + What the world needs = Your vocation
When there is an overlap between what you are paid for and what the world needs, this is your vocation. However, it may cause you some anxiety if this vocation requires skills that you don’t currently possess. You could also feel empty as the vocation is not something you enjoy doing.
What you are great at + What you are paid for = Your profession
You are comfortable in your profession because you have the skills to make it work and you are earning a decent income from it. However, your profession may be something you don’t love and that your world doesn’t need.
Your ikigai lies in the domain where your passion, mission, vocation and profession are all aligned in the centre of the circle. The reality is a lot of us are in good professions or vocations but we feel that we have sacrificed our passions and mission for it.
It will take more self-reflection and deliberation to discover your ikigai. I hope this post will spark your desire to find it in the coming two months as we see 2020 come to a close. If you would like support from me as your coach to work on finding your ikigai, please contact me here! I would be honoured to be your travelling partner in your journey to reclaim your ikigai!
Sticks and Stones…
We are familiar with the children’s rhyme that is used as a defence against verbal bullying. It goes:
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words will never hurt me.
However, the reality is words hurt. They hurt a lot. They can scar you for life. We hold strong emotional baggage in our lives. Baggage that we want to put down but find it extremely difficult to do so.
“Tempers are temporary, but hateful and hurtful words can be remembered forever.”
- Jarod Kintz, American author
I had a recent experience with hurtful words. Someone made derogatory remarks about me to another person, fully aware that I was able to hear every word she said. It was done intentionally to hurt me. As it was a family gathering and my kids were with me, I decided not to react and just leave the room.
My mood was spoilt that entire evening. I was bothered by her words. I vented to my husband and to my kids. Venting didn’t make me feel better. In a way, it made it worse as her words kept ringing in my head as I recounted the event. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of anger and resentment.
Even as I write this post, those negative feelings are surfacing. I’m writing about it not with the intention to vent but to share my learning from this experience. By being angry, I’m the only one suffering. She is not aware that I am angry. She is not hurt.
This quote by English poet, Alexander Pope, aptly describes the impact of unresolved anger on ourselves.
“To be angry is to revenge the fault of others on ourselves.”
If I don’t let the anger go and forgive her in my heart, the negative feelings will surface and affect all the other relationships in my life. I will end up hurting those around me because my bitterness will keep growing.
I knew that I had to do something. Should I retaliate and confront her? Criticize her and show her shortcomings to her? Should I act spitefully, stooping to her level by spreading gossip about her? The answer is no. I still want to maintain my relationship with her. She is not someone I can completely remove from my life.
So, what can I do? I recalled an earlier blog I wrote in August titled The Tale of Two Wolves. In that blog, I wrote about the choices we make in our lives - which perspective do we want to adopt in any situation? Do we always look at the worst case scenario or do we seek out the gift and growth opportunities? My exact words there were “If we have been hurt by a family member or a friend and we choose to fuel the hurt, it develops into a deep-seated resentment and hatred towards that person. As the wise grandfather advised his grandson in the story, you are only hurting yourself with your anger and hatred. It does not change anything. No one suffers more than you do.”
My own words provided me the answer to this particular situation. I decided to accept that she said those words because she is an inherently unhappy person. I decided not to take it personally. I decided to move on and not dwell on it anymore. I decided not to feed the negative emotions that I was feeling.
This realisation liberated me. When I see her now, I only have empathy for her. I don’t force my views on her or expect her to change as it is difficult for someone to change the way they behave. I cannot control what she says or does but I can control my reactions and my responses. I choose to forgive.
“You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.’”
— Maya Angelou, American poet
What would you do if you were in my shoes? You cannot remove this person from your life and you will still need to interact with him/her. What is your response when your boundaries are crossed? Are you triggered to “fight”, “flight” or “freeze” in the conversation?
If you normally opt for the “flight” approach like I did in my situation, be clear that it is your choice and not something that is forced on you. Once you have decided not to confront the person, be at peace with it. Draw a line under this difficult situation and choose to move on.
If your preferred option is to “fight” but at times, you “freeze”, here are some suggestions on how to phrase your sentences without being aggressive and rude:
An inappropriate question
“I think you don’t know me well enough to ask things like that.”; or
“I’d rather not discuss that topic right now if you don’t mind.”
The intrusive co-worker
“Hey, sorry to interrupt. I don’t mind helping, but I can’t talk right now. It works better for me to set a specific time. How about we take 15 minutes to talk about it today at 3 p.m.?”
The dismissal of an idea
“I want to talk about that project. I know I said I am fine with the decision of the majority but I realise that it’s still affecting me. Can we schedule a time to talk about it?”
I would love to hear your views on your preferred approach - is it “fight” or “flight”? Reach out to me here if you want to explore different coping strategies on dealing with difficult people and difficult conversations.
I am also holding a group coaching session to help you create your unique resilience plan on 30 October 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). Reserve your place here!
Coping Mechanisms
“For me, writing is a kind of coping mechanism.”
About a month ago, my 10-year-old daughter came down with high fever. When we took her to see the doctor, the advice given was for her to do a Covid-19 swab test. As she was under 12 years old, it was up to us as her parents to decide for her. It wasn’t an easy decision for us to make as we knew how uncomfortable it would be for her. We eventually agreed for her to do the test because it would eventually give us a definitive answer.
The waiting began. We were told that her test results would be made known to us within a day. I’m thankful that the waiting time was short. However, it was still 24 hours of uncertainty. Deep down in my heart, I knew that the likelihood of her contracting the Covid-19 virus was low but as a mother, I was worried.
This incident made me think about how each of us coped with the news. The two men in my family - my husband and my son - regarded the news from a practical and rational angle. It wasn’t Covid-19 because as far as we knew, she didn’t come into close contact with any Covid-19 patients. The only place she went to was school. There were no suspected cases in her school. Their deduction - it was just another viral infection and will go away within a few days of rest and medication.
My youngest daughter, the 8-year-old, thought differently. She was devastated. She dreaded going to school without her elder sister. They always walked to school together. She was also upset because she felt that it wasn’t fair that she had to go to school while her sister rested at home. She wanted to be by her sister’s side. When she returned home from school, she was disappointed that her sister was not well enough to play with her. She also felt left out because I spent more time looking after her sister than with her. The uncertainty of the situation caused her to be insecure and she didn’t know how to cope with all the emotions that were coming up for her.
What about me? What was my reaction? In short, it was all of the above! I had jumbled up feelings, seeing my daughter ill and not knowing if she had contracted the Covid-19 virus. I thought the same rational thoughts as my husband and son and at the same time, felt worried, upset and unsettled just like my youngest daughter. For fleeting moments, I imagined worst case scenarios but stopped myself as I realised that this was not doing myself or my daughter any good. I was at home with her the whole day and if I was so negative and restless, it would have been apparent to her, making her feel worse than she had already felt.
So, what were my coping mechanisms in this situation? The quote above really resonated with me. Yes, I wrote. I penned my thoughts and emotions in my journal. Seeing my words on paper was liberating. They provided a release to my anxiety and worry. I prayed. I stayed quiet and reflected on God’s goodness in our lives. I contacted my parents and parents-in-law and asked them to jointly pray for her. I reached out to close friends for support and comfort. The thought I held on to was that this was not going to last forever - it too shall come to pass.
When you reflect on your coping mechanisms during challenges, what were they? What kept you going, believing that things will work out in the end? Are you still in the midst of challenges? What are you doing to stay hopeful?
Are you like the men in my family? The first thing you will do is evaluate the available information and make a rational assessment. Then, you will move on to problem-solving mode.
Are you like me? You have ways to recognise and manage your emotions and a strong support network to reach out for help and encouragement. Despite difficult circumstances, you know you are not alone. This lightens your burdens and your grief, having another share it with you in your journey.
Do you feel helpless, devastated and overwhelmed like my youngest daughter? You feel that you still have to put up a brave front because you have so many responsibilities on your shoulders. You cannot afford others to see that you are suffering on the inside. This is not what resilience is about. It’s not about avoiding your emotions and shouldering on without healing. It’s about being able to pick yourself up and look at your circumstances with hope, taking forward-looking steps with resolve and determination.
I’m running a Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan on 25 September 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). You will explore your inner resources which have helped you cope with past challenges and leverage and build upon these resources to face future challenges. This session will be conducted in a safe, non-judgmental space with me as your coach. If you feel that this is something that can help you right now, please click here to reserve your place.
You do not have to walk this path alone.
P.S. My daughter’s test result came back negative and she recovered within a few days.
An Attitude of Acceptance
Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash
“Ask the river, where it comes from? You will get no answer. Ask the river, where is it going? You will get no answer, because the river lives inside this very moment; neither in the past nor in the future, in this very moment only!”
Following on from my blog post last week on letting go, I’ve been reflecting on my own thoughts and behaviours towards a difficult personal situation in my life which involved dealing with an individual who overstepped boundaries. I must admit it has been difficult to sit with my emotions and make firm decisions to see things through. I felt hurt, angry and frustrated, to the point that I can’t seem to find a way out. The quote above resonated with me. It’s not the “river” I asked but God. He appeared silent. No answer. What do I need to do to find a solution? No answer. What do you want me to learn from this? No answer. Where is the justice in all this? No answer. How long will this last? No answer. I wrestled with God, to the point of demanding answers, bargaining with Him and just crying out as I was at my wits’ end.
Then, I just accepted the situation. By acceptance, I don’t mean a feeling of resignation and defeat. I just came to a point where I told myself, “I’ve done all that I can to make the situation better. I know that I am not in the wrong. My conscience is clear and my integrity is intact. I can do nothing more now.”
Surprisingly, just by saying that aloud and even now as I type these words, the feeling is liberating. I feel lighter, as though a heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I still don’t know the outcome if I will ever be vindicated. However, the realisation that came to me when I accepted the situation is that there are lessons for growth to be learnt. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and mulling about why this is happening to me, I decided to take a step back and ask myself the following questions:
How has this experience changed me?
What has this experience taught me?
How has the experience equipped me to handle similar situations in the future?
What have I learnt as a lesson of growth from this experience?
Photo by Florian van Schreven on Unsplash
This experience has changed me in that it has increased my self-confidence. I now know that I have a stronger inner resolve and wisdom to face this situation and similar situations in the future and still come out of it still honouring God with my words and actions.
It has taught me that I am prone to be critical of myself when unfavourable circumstances arise. I have a tendency towards self-blame, taking on too much responsibility of the actions of others. Does this behaviour serve me in any way? Of course not! It has made me realise that I am not responsible for causing anyone else to behave in a certain way. They are perfectly capable of managing their own emotions. If they fail to do so and behave negatively, I am not to be blamed.
What is my lesson of growth? I believe it’s to continue to trust in God and His promises despite not knowing the answers. It’s to be comfortable with the unknowns while resting on the truth that He loves me and all is still within His control, even if I don’t see or feel it.
It reminds me of the times when I woke up from nightmares as a child. My first urge was to run to my parents’ bedroom to wake them up but as I grew older, the fact that I knew that they were in the room next to mine gave me comfort. I didn’t need to see or hear them. Similarly, I know that God has not abandoned me and I draw strength from the many times in the past that He has seen me through difficult times in my life.
What can you do when you face adversities and circumstances that shake you to the core? How does adopting an attitude of acceptance help you? Jack Welch, CEO of General Electric, said, “Face reality as it is, not as it was or as you wish it to be.” I would add that with this state of acceptance in facing reality as it is, your mind becomes clearer when figuring out the solutions to the circumstances. You are not dwelling on the past on how good things were back then. You are also not distracted by the uncertainties and fears of what the future holds. You are fully present to look at reality as it stands now.
It may be helpful for you to consider the four questions I posed in this blog post. These questions will prompt you to reflect and go deep within yourself to consider your inner strengths and resources to emerge from the adversities stronger than before they occurred in your life. These questions will also help you look at the difficult situation in your life from a different perspective - one of discovery, learning and growing as opposed to one of struggle, fear and despair.
I want to acknowledge your courage in making this decision to start exploring this new way of looking at the adversities in your life. Each small step that you take in changing your perspectives will reap tremendous benefit for your mental and emotional well-being. If you would like to explore further ways to change your perspectives, we would be more than happy to support you. Contact us here!
Reset Button
“Rivers have what man most respects and longs for in his own life and thought - a capacity for renewal and replenishment, continual energy, creativity, cleansing.”
- John Kauffmann, Australian author
How have you been feeling these past few months? Has it been a time of renewal and replenishment? You have had more time at home to reflect on how your life has been and made the necessary changes to improve your well-being as well as those around you. You slowed down, cherished the simplicity of life and were truly present with and appreciative of those around you.
Have you also used this time of staying at home to learn a new skill or rekindle an old hobby? You find joy in creating new dishes for the family. You have started painting and sewing again. You became the handy man of your household, exploring new ways to maximise the space in your storeroom. You finally have time to implement the KonMari Philosophy which you picked up from your faithful viewing of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix.
For some, these past few months have been difficult and stressful. You find yourself busier than ever, coping with the lack of boundaries between home and work and home-schooling your children. You also find yourself worrying about your parents’ health and well-being, about your children who are now abroad either studying or working, about your job security, about your finances and the future for you and your family.
We are inundated with news articles and social media posts with buzz words and hashtags such as “the new normal”, “contact tracing”, “social distancing”, “zoom-bombing”, #stayhome, #flattenthecurve and #WFH (work from home). on 22 April 2020, one of the headlines on ABC News was “Cleaner air due to coronavirus pandemic makes Earth Day 50th anniversary celebration bittersweet for environmentalists.” “We’re seeing in some places the best air quality in decades,” Bill Magavern, the policy director for the Coalition for Clean Air, told ABC News. “It is very good for our lung health that air pollution is down during this time of crisis.”
Perhaps, this period offers the world a reset button to restore the health of the earth. Some may even say it is a reset button for all of us because we are now acutely aware of how fragile life is and not to take it for granted. We have spent less on material goods and more on learning, growing and improving oneself. We have allowed ourselves to experience our emotions and not suppress or push them away. Life is painful, raw and real. At the same time, it is beautiful, resilient and inspirational.
What awaits us in the “new normal”?
I don’t know. What I do know is that I have learnt a few things about myself during this period. Firstly, I have learnt to accept my emotions more freely and allowed myself to feel sad, discouraged, anxious, angry and frustrated with the unhappy events in my life these past few months. I typically tell myself that to be brave and strong, that these emotions are not helpful to me. I distract myself from them and suppress them.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
However, I now realise that by allowing myself to sit with these emotions and to give them time to surface is actually healthy. It is such a release for me when I give myself permission to feel these strong emotions. I am actually able to get back on my feet quicker than if I denied their existence.
The second lesson for me is to slow down. I am usually very task oriented and a perfectionist at times. I like to get the job done and find satisfaction in fixing things. However, the reality is not all things can be fixed. I realise this now and resist rushing into “solution-mode” whenever my children come to me with their problems. Instead, I take the time to listen to them, to truly hear what they are thinking and feeling and to invite them to come up with their ideas to solve their problems. This approach works better for all of us as they learn how to handle difficult circumstances by using their own resourceful minds and I learn to let go.
This brings me to my third lesson - letting go. I have been stressed in certain occasions when I feel the need to make things right for those whom I love even though it is not possible for me to do so. During this Covid-19 pandemic, so many things are beyond my control. I worry about my parents and do not know when I can visit them again as they live in Malaysia and the restrictions on cross-border travel have not been lifted. My husband is going through a stressful time at work and I just want to make things better for him. My father-in-law has health issues and is also going through a rough patch these past 3 months. All in all, I felt helpless. However, after much prayer and reflection on God’s Word, I am reminded and comforted that God is in control. All I need to do is to cast all my anxiety on Him because He cares for me (taken from 1 Peter 5:7, NIV). This realisation has also given me the much-needed relief from my stress and worries. I learnt that my job is not to fix things for God but to let go and trust that God will use me as an instrument when He chooses to do so. It is not easy for me to feel vulnerable, slow down, let go and surrender all but I am now living these lessons on a daily basis. I trust that these lessons will help me to be resilient and hopeful to face what lies ahead in the “new normal”.
What have you learnt about yourself during this pandemic? What buttons need resetting in your life? Do you need support to thrive and flourish in the “new normal”?
Something's got to give...
What comes to your mind when you read this quote? Do you feel that your life is unravelling around you during this period of uncertainty and anxiety? Is your life orderly and organised but yet, there is something in the background that doesn’t feel quite right?
Are you coping well with the circumstances in your life? Are you thriving or surviving?
I recently attended a webinar organised by the International Coaching Federation Chapter here in Singapore on Stress Management during Uncertainty. One of my key takeaways from the webinar was that it is perfectly fine to not keep pushing yourself to be on top of everything at all times. We all seem to be under pressure, derived internally and externally, to become better versions of ourselves during this “stay-at-home” period. We are telling ourselves now is the time to pick up a new skill or hobby, work even harder, take on new projects, be a better parent, nurture relationships with loved ones, cultivate enriching activities to keep our children occupied, take care of our elderly parents, reach out to people in need… the list goes on and on. I’m not saying that these aspirations are not healthy nor are they to be avoided. However, ask yourself… if you take all this on and more without really looking after yourself, what will happen to you as a person?
Photo by Kalen Emsley on Unsplash
Are you taking care of yourself? I know “self-care” and “be kind to yourself” are the buzz words that we share on social media and in our conversations during this period. I know that your “to-do” list is probably overwhelming now and I hear you saying, “What? You want me to add another thing to my list?”
Being kind to yourself doesn’t have to be a chore or another added responsibility. Just take some time to think about the things that make you happy and the activities that bring a smile on your face. They do not have to be anything extravagant and given the fact that we all cannot leave our homes now, the simpler your ideas, the better! For me personally, I love just having my coffee in the quiet of the morning before everyone wakes up. I also enjoy writing in my gratitude journal each night as this exercise allows me to reflect on the many blessings that occur each day and just be grateful to be alive.
What are some of your ideas for taking care of yourself? I would love to hear them! If you are struggling to cope or to carve out time to be kind to yourself, don’t hesitate to contact me and I’ll be more than happy to provide you with a complimentary self-care quiz to encourage you to start thinking about this. You’re not alone! We are all in this together. I’m here to offer you support! “Something’s got to give. Don’t let it be you.”
Joy Triggers!
“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” -Abraham Lincoln
I was speaking to a peer coach the other day and spoke to him about my stress triggers. There has been a lot more of them recently given that my children and I are home all the time now. I’m having to juggle my time with their online lessons, worksheets, home activities together with my work and coaching sessions. I realised that I have been quick to be angry and annoyed with them especially when I am pressed for time. My girls have complained that I haven’t been a nice Mummy lately. Their unhappiness made me stop and think. This is not how I want to be when I am with my girls. My stress triggers occur when unforeseen events happen such as technical glitches on their online portals and not enough time for myself.
What can I do to counter my stress triggers? We are about as happy as we decide to be. It is all in our minds. We can choose to look at a situation from various perspectives. What perspective should I be looking at to serve me well? Whenever I find myself in the face of a stressful situation now, I remind myself to literally take a step back and breathe deeply and slowly. The key questions that keep coming up in my mind is, “How urgent is this situation? Why am I feeling rushed and anxious?” As you can guess, it has always turned out to be that the situation is not any more urgent than what I make it to be. This thought has helped me to centre myself and balance my emotions.
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
The idea of Joy Triggers popped into my mind when I was doing self-reflection several days ago. Instead of focusing on what causes stress in my life, I chose to be more mindful and notice the moments in my life that give me joy. My morning coffee before everyone wakes up. Hugging and spinning my youngest daughter around. Enjoying a snack with my elder daughter. Having a short chat with my teenage son during dinner time. Connecting with my accountability partner (you know who you are!) in the U.S. via Facebook Messenger on a weekly basis. Winding down at night with a catch-up conversation with my husband after our respective long work days. Penning my thoughts in my journal. Summing up my day in prayer and surrendering all to His care.
I’m curious to hear what your Joy Triggers are. What do they look like? How often do they happen? What can you do to protect them? Do you want to increase their frequency in your daily life? If the current situation in your life prevents you from having any Joy Triggers, we would love to support you to discover and rekindle them! Reach out to us today!
Surprised?
What’s going through your mind as you read the heading? Are you surprised by all that is going on in your life and in the world today? Are you feeling anxious, upset, angry, fearful, helpless or all of them at varying times throughout a single day? I have been feeling all those emotions and more over the past few months in light of the Covid-19 pandemic sweeping our world today. I feel helpless at times when I think about the things that are not within my control. That’s just it. They are things that I cannot control. Why am I then allowing these things to take all my energy away from me? The simple answer is that I am human and feeling all these emotions is perfectly normal.
“Life is like the river, sometimes it sweeps you gently along and sometimes the rapids come out of nowhere.” - Emma Smith, English author
I love this photo. At the far end of it, you see the gentle flow of the river and at the edge of the photo closest to us, you start to see that the flow of the river is stronger and fiercer. You can almost hear the sound of it gushing towards possibly a waterfall further along the river.
Life’s like that, isn’t it? We have all experienced the gentle calmness and quiet contentment in our lives when all of a sudden, an event happens that shakes the tranquil flow in our lives.
Photo by Andy Holmes on Unsplash
So, what can we do to regain balance? How can we centre ourselves and not feel topsy-turvy in light of these events that are beyond our control? No one is expecting you to deny or suppress your feelings and put on a strong brave front. In times like these, we should think about putting on the type of spectacles that will work for us. The spectacles that will give us the right perspectives to view the current situation. The lenses of compassion, both in terms of self compassion and compassion for others. The glasses for seeking meaningful connections and strengthening existing relationships.
“The way we see things, the way we see the world and everything in it, determines everything else that happens.” - Todd Davis, Chief People Officer, Franklin Covey Co.
Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash
If you are feeling at a lost in terms of handling these emotions and want to work towards having the right lenses to view the state of things in the world today, I would be more than happy to support you in your quest for finding clarity and peace. If you want to formulate goals around the effective use of your time at home, please contact me now so that you do not let this opportunity slip past you! We all have it within ourselves to make this difficult time, a learning and growing experience for ourselves and for our family, friends and circles of influence! Let’s get started!