Introverts’ Voice
“Quiet people have the loudest minds”
A fellow coach friend suggested that I watch this Ted Talk given by Brian Little who is a personality researcher and an unapologetic introvert. In this talk, he dissects the differences between introverts and extroverts and how when the situation calls for it, introverts can act in an extroverted manner.
07:40: We communicate differently, extroverts and introverts. Extroverts, when they interact, want to have lots of social encounter punctuated by closeness. They'd like to stand close for comfortable communication. They like to have a lot of eye contact, or mutual gaze. We found in some research that they use more diminutive terms when they meet somebody. So, when an extrovert meets a Charles, it rapidly becomes "Charlie," and then "Chuck," and then "Chuckles Baby."
08:14: Whereas for introverts, it remains "Charles," until he's given a pass to be more intimate by the person he's talking to. We speak differently. Extroverts prefer black-and-white, concrete, simple language. Introverts prefer -- and I must again tell you that I am as extreme an introvert as you could possibly imagine -- we speak differently. We prefer contextually complex, contingent, weasel-word sentences - more or less…as it were…not to put too fine a point upon it -- like that.
Do introverts really have their own way of speaking?
I know I have a tendency to mull over things and in my mind, I’m already having a debate on the matter and yet, outwardly, no one knows my viewpoint. The struggle for me when I was working in the corporate world was to take that step to speak my mind even though I didn’t feel that my thoughts were well processed yet. I still feel that struggle now but am more aware of the times when I hold myself back. I have the confidence to say what I think when it would support my clients in their growth or when I believe that my words will benefit another person. I now ask myself, “What is the loss to that person if I hold back?” instead of “What will people think of me if I say the wrong thing?”
09:05: When we talk, we sometimes talk past each other. I had a consulting contract I shared with a colleague who's as different from me as two people can possibly be. First, his name is Tom. Mine isn't. Secondly, he's six foot five. I have a tendency not to be. And thirdly, he's as extroverted a person as you could find. I am seriously introverted. I overload so much; I can't even have a cup of coffee after three in the afternoon and expect to sleep in the evening.
09:41: We had seconded to this project a fellow called Michael. And Michael almost brought the project to a crashing halt. So, the person who seconded him asked Tom and me, "What do you make of Michael?" Well, I'll tell you what Tom said in a minute. He spoke in classic "extrovert-ese." And here is how extroverted ears heard what I said, which is actually pretty accurate. I said, "Well Michael does have a tendency at times of behaving in a way that some of us might see as perhaps more assertive than is normally called for."
10:25: Tom rolled his eyes and he said, "Brian, that's what I said: he's an asshole!"
10:37: Now, as an introvert, I might gently allude to certain "assholic" qualities in this man's behaviour, but I'm not going to lunge for the a-word.
10:50: But the extrovert says, "If he walks like one, if he talks like one, I call him one." And we go past each other.
At times, introverts are taken aback by how forward and direct extroverts are and that makes us uncomfortable. We may feel intimidated and overwhelmed by their presence. A slight change in our perspectives may help. In a social setting, most of us, extroverts and introverts alike, have some form of social anxiety. It’s just that extroverts deal with it differently in that they probably talk and engage more just to hide their nervousness whereas for introverts, we need to prepare ourselves more for conversations in these settings. Believe that what you have to say matters and is of value and there is richness in diversity of thought and opinions. If you still feel nervous, go to such events with an extroverted friend. I know for me, that helps!
11:46: I'm uncomfortable putting people in pigeonholes. I don't even think pigeons belong in pigeonholes. So, what is it that makes us different? It's the doings that we have in our life -- the personal projects. You have a personal project right now, but nobody may know it here. It relates to your kid -- you've been back three times to the hospital, and they still don't know what's wrong. Or it could be your mom. And you'd been acting out of character. These are free traits. You're very agreeable, but you act disagreeably in order to break down those barriers of administrative torpor in the hospital, to get something for your mom or your child.
There are times when we definitely step out of character - when there is an urgent need that requires immediate attention like the example Brian shared here. Have you ever believed in a particular project or goal so strongly that you would do anything to see it through? For me, it’s being a coach and I keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone when it comes to coaching and growing my business as this is my passion and purpose in life.
What is yours? What “voice” do you hear yourself speak when it comes to driving your purpose?
Do what you need to do to be heard and after that, in the words of Brian Little, “I find, for example, after a period of pseudo-extroverted behaviour, I need to repair somewhere on my own”.
“In a gentle way, you can shake the world. ”
Reach out to me here for a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call to find out how you can shake your world on your own terms.
