What Type of Introvert are You?
“Introverts naturally need and want to pull away sometimes. We go quiet to gather our thoughts or disappear for a while to daydream.”
My children inspire my posts. I watch them learn from their life experiences and I learn along with them. However, it’s my youngest daughter (age 9) who proactively looks for materials and topics for me to write about. You can call her my muse! She found this interesting little video of the four types of introverts.
Credit goes to Psych2Go You Tube channel and research from Cheek, J.M., Brown, C.A., & Grimes, J.O. (2014, Sept.). Personality scales for four domains of introversion: Social, Thinking, Anxious, and Restrained Introversion. Preliminary Research Manual, Department of Psychology, Wellesley College, Wellesley MA. Retrieved 23 July from www.academia.edu/7353616/Four_Meanings_of_Introversion_Social_Thinking_Anxious_and_Inhibited_Introversion
We all know that people cannot be put in buckets and boxed in to a particular trait. We are unique, complex and sometimes messy individuals. However, learning and understanding how you behave and react in certain circumstances will help you develop greater self-awareness to choose the appropriate responses to the difficult and awkward situations in your life.
I don’t like the traditional definition of “introvert” i.e., a shy and reticent individual. Introverts are often thought of as being shy. It’s because we are quiet and we think a lot in our heads. The better explanation of introversion and one that I resonate with is where we draw our energy from. Introverts draw our energy from within ourselves. We find joy in spending time alone, doing what we enjoy or just being who we are in a quiet place. Extroverts draw their energy from social interaction and conversations and are generally more open to expressing their thoughts aloud. Shyness can be overcome. Introversion is part of who you are.
This little video explains the four types of introverts. I can relate to all 4 types and know that I show them at different times of my life. Have a think about the type(s) that you resonate most with.
Social Introvert
Being a social introvert, you enjoy spending time with your close friends and are comfortable in being open and honest with your friends. You are relaxed and at ease with them. Those who don’t know you well may even think you are extroverted when they see you with your friends. However, like the other types of introverts, you crave time alone, to recharge and refresh yourself. My children think that I fall into this category because I enjoy social interaction, especially when I’m talking about my passions - coaching and empowering introverted women. At the same time, I also love doing this - spending time by myself, writing my posts and just reading and thinking about the information I’ve gathered. I can go on for hours doing this and will feel energised, walking away with a sense of contentment and accomplishment.
Thinking Introvert
I believe all introverts often show traits of being a thinking introvert as we enjoy being with our thoughts. We spend time imagining our lives - all the possibilities and living out our dream lives in our minds. What we need is that push to get out of our heads and to start living our dream outside our minds. We are introspective and truly in-tune with our emotions. I know my middle daughter shows this trait a lot especially when she is focused on a piece of work or when she is thinking of what to bake. She has a creative imagination and yet, is hesitant to voice her thoughts even to me. It takes time for her to open up and trust that what she shares to anyone will be received with the same care and love as when she conceived those thoughts in her mind.
Anxious Introvert
You can say that an anxious introvert is the opposite of a social introvert. They are very self-conscious in social settings and perhaps, a little too hard on themselves. They worry about doing or not doing the “right” thing in a social event, before, during and even long after the event has ended. I see this trait in all of m 3 children. My teenage son would avoid social events if he knows that he will be put in the spotlight. He doesn’t want the attention. My youngest daughter wants to make more friends and she often discusses approaches on how to start conversations with her potential new friends with us. It provides her comfort and assurance when she practises these conversations with us. I’m really happy that she is making the effort to do so and this is her act of pushing out of her comfort zone.
Restrained Introvert
Restrained introverts thrive in their routines. They are willing to be out in social events but will require advance planning and have a clear idea of what is expected of them in these events. They don’t like surprises or unforeseen changes. They need time to “warm up”, to gather their thoughts and are very careful before they articulate their thoughts to their listeners. Restrained introverts find it challenging to be impromptu in brainstorming meetings and prefer to share their ideas in writing circulated to the participants prior to the meetings. I often coach my restrained introverted clients to find their unique ways to be comfortable and “step out” to present their thoughts to their audience.
What has come up for you as you read the descriptions of the 4 types of introverts? Do they relate to any of them? What areas are challenging for you?
If being visible and being more comfortable in showing up professionally is something you need to step out from your comfort zone, I would love to discuss how my signature program - Introverted Visibility - can help you get started in doing so. Book your complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me today!
“Everyone shines, given the right lighting.”
- Susan Cain, American author
Let’s find the right lighting for you!
Introverts’ Voice
“Quiet people have the loudest minds”
A fellow coach friend suggested that I watch this Ted Talk given by Brian Little who is a personality researcher and an unapologetic introvert. In this talk, he dissects the differences between introverts and extroverts and how when the situation calls for it, introverts can act in an extroverted manner.
07:40: We communicate differently, extroverts and introverts. Extroverts, when they interact, want to have lots of social encounter punctuated by closeness. They'd like to stand close for comfortable communication. They like to have a lot of eye contact, or mutual gaze. We found in some research that they use more diminutive terms when they meet somebody. So, when an extrovert meets a Charles, it rapidly becomes "Charlie," and then "Chuck," and then "Chuckles Baby."
08:14: Whereas for introverts, it remains "Charles," until he's given a pass to be more intimate by the person he's talking to. We speak differently. Extroverts prefer black-and-white, concrete, simple language. Introverts prefer -- and I must again tell you that I am as extreme an introvert as you could possibly imagine -- we speak differently. We prefer contextually complex, contingent, weasel-word sentences - more or less…as it were…not to put too fine a point upon it -- like that.
Do introverts really have their own way of speaking?
I know I have a tendency to mull over things and in my mind, I’m already having a debate on the matter and yet, outwardly, no one knows my viewpoint. The struggle for me when I was working in the corporate world was to take that step to speak my mind even though I didn’t feel that my thoughts were well processed yet. I still feel that struggle now but am more aware of the times when I hold myself back. I have the confidence to say what I think when it would support my clients in their growth or when I believe that my words will benefit another person. I now ask myself, “What is the loss to that person if I hold back?” instead of “What will people think of me if I say the wrong thing?”
09:05: When we talk, we sometimes talk past each other. I had a consulting contract I shared with a colleague who's as different from me as two people can possibly be. First, his name is Tom. Mine isn't. Secondly, he's six foot five. I have a tendency not to be. And thirdly, he's as extroverted a person as you could find. I am seriously introverted. I overload so much; I can't even have a cup of coffee after three in the afternoon and expect to sleep in the evening.
09:41: We had seconded to this project a fellow called Michael. And Michael almost brought the project to a crashing halt. So, the person who seconded him asked Tom and me, "What do you make of Michael?" Well, I'll tell you what Tom said in a minute. He spoke in classic "extrovert-ese." And here is how extroverted ears heard what I said, which is actually pretty accurate. I said, "Well Michael does have a tendency at times of behaving in a way that some of us might see as perhaps more assertive than is normally called for."
10:25: Tom rolled his eyes and he said, "Brian, that's what I said: he's an asshole!"
10:37: Now, as an introvert, I might gently allude to certain "assholic" qualities in this man's behaviour, but I'm not going to lunge for the a-word.
10:50: But the extrovert says, "If he walks like one, if he talks like one, I call him one." And we go past each other.
At times, introverts are taken aback by how forward and direct extroverts are and that makes us uncomfortable. We may feel intimidated and overwhelmed by their presence. A slight change in our perspectives may help. In a social setting, most of us, extroverts and introverts alike, have some form of social anxiety. It’s just that extroverts deal with it differently in that they probably talk and engage more just to hide their nervousness whereas for introverts, we need to prepare ourselves more for conversations in these settings. Believe that what you have to say matters and is of value and there is richness in diversity of thought and opinions. If you still feel nervous, go to such events with an extroverted friend. I know for me, that helps!
11:46: I'm uncomfortable putting people in pigeonholes. I don't even think pigeons belong in pigeonholes. So, what is it that makes us different? It's the doings that we have in our life -- the personal projects. You have a personal project right now, but nobody may know it here. It relates to your kid -- you've been back three times to the hospital, and they still don't know what's wrong. Or it could be your mom. And you'd been acting out of character. These are free traits. You're very agreeable, but you act disagreeably in order to break down those barriers of administrative torpor in the hospital, to get something for your mom or your child.
There are times when we definitely step out of character - when there is an urgent need that requires immediate attention like the example Brian shared here. Have you ever believed in a particular project or goal so strongly that you would do anything to see it through? For me, it’s being a coach and I keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone when it comes to coaching and growing my business as this is my passion and purpose in life.
What is yours? What “voice” do you hear yourself speak when it comes to driving your purpose?
Do what you need to do to be heard and after that, in the words of Brian Little, “I find, for example, after a period of pseudo-extroverted behaviour, I need to repair somewhere on my own”.
“In a gentle way, you can shake the world. ”
Reach out to me here for a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call to find out how you can shake your world on your own terms.
Introverts - Nature or Nurture?
“Extroverts sparkle, introverts glow. If you appreciate your own quiet glow, other people will see it too.”
I’ve been sharing my thoughts on introversion in several podcasts, the latest being my guest appearances on Earrings Off!, Multi-Dimensional IN·tel·li·gence and Success InSight which you can find on my media page. As I have been appearing on more podcasts, all of my 3 children have been telling me lately that I’ve “turned” extroverted! Have I really? The answer is no as after I’ve done a recording, I need a lot of down time by myself to recharge and renew my energy. I do these podcast appearances because I believe my story and encouragement to others that being an introvert doesn’t mean you lose out in life to extroverts. As one of my favourite authors on this topic, Susan Cain, has said, “It’s is a kind of yin and yang where were we learn to value both types equally … I think we need to see more the value of both and really have each work learning to work together well because we actually know from research that the best teams and the best partnerships are a mix of the two.” Being an introvert shouldn’t stop you from collaborating with extroverts because there are always ways to complement each other. Some of my closest friends are extroverts and they embolden me to venture out and do things I would never do on my own!
Given that I’ve been thinking a lot about introversion lately due to my discussions with my children, also starting my new consultancy role and making new connections as well as the podcasts I’ve been appearing on, I was looking for videos done by Susan Cain for insight and inspiration.
I found this old video from 2012 where she was interviewed on Bloomberg Law to promote her book, Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking.
Here are excerpts from the video which will give you a better understanding of introversion:
00:45: You know I wrote it because I wanted to shine a light on a cultural bias that I think we have in the society against introverts and I think that our view of introverts right now is kind of like where we were with women in the early 1950s, early 1960s. Introverts are, believe it or not 50% of the population, so 50% according to the latest study.
01:53: When I was younger, I remember taking the Myers Briggs personality test, like so many of us did and I remember when I did that, I wanted so desperately though to be identified as an extroverted, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why, and are we somehow conditioned to believe that being an extrovert is the best possible outcome?
02:12: The interesting thing about this particular bias and conditioning is that until recently it's never actually had a name, so it's been a very powerful bias, but also a subtle one because no one actually says to you, you should be more of an extrovert, you know, that doesn't happen that often. And yet most kids from the minute they walk into a preschool classroom when they're two or three or four, they're sent that message in very powerful ways, so not in so many words, but nonetheless powerful, you know, there's just the idea that they get that they should be gregarious, that they should enjoy participating in group activities. They move up through the educational system and so much of our education is now conducted in groups. Even socially there's such a currency that's placed on being vivacious and gregarious. So, kids get the idea really early that that is the ticket to success and they don't so much see other paths.
04:15: The difference between an introvert and extrovert, it has to do with how you respond to stimulation. So, introverts tend to be at their most alive and their most energized when they're in environments that are a little quieter Extroverts really crave stimulation and you know, they feel kind of bored and listless unless they're getting a lot of it coming at them. And what's so important about this is we tend to think of introverts as being anti-social or shy. It's really not that. It's just that they have this preference for socializing also in quieter ways. So, they would much rather usually, you know have a glass of wine with a close friend as opposed to going out to a big party full of strangers because it's a less stimulating way of connecting with people.
06:33: In fact, there's one study that suggests that more than 50% of lawyers are introverts. which to me as a former lawyer is actually not at all surprising really. You have to actually get the work done as a lawyer. There's a lot about legal work that is really conducive to introverts, way of being, you know, you have to be really persistent, you have to be really careful, you have to be thoughtful, you have to sit down and focus and even in negotiations you have to often be kind of more understated and really listening really carefully to what's going on so that you can figure out a way to strategize a deal.
10:06: Is that nature, is it nurture? So, Kagan, he's a guy named Joe Kagan, he's a developmental psychologists at Harvard, one of the great psychologist of the 20th century. He kind of set out to study temperament and when he started was convinced that he was sort of on the nurture side of the debate, right? But he says that he was dragged kicking and screaming by his data to understand the importance of biology and genetics in temperament. It turns out that there are some babies who are born with temperaments that make them more careful, more sensitive and more likely to become introverts later on in life, and these babies, they're more reactive to stimulation. That's why they're called high reactive, and you can see it from the minutes that they're born.
11:24: 70% of highly sensitive people are introverts and then the other 30% are extroverts who still say that they need a lot of downtime. So there does seem to be a big connection and then there's some introverts who become that way, you know through other probably other biological mechanisms and also through nurture, you know this stuff is a little bit murky.
14:02: The biggest, most general thought is to really start to understand your powers and to feel entitled to be who you are. The more you do that, the more you start kind of carving out a career and a social life that actually suit your temperament and you know you kind of learn how to step outside yourself when you need to, but really more or less be living in a place that feels natural for you.
My takeaways from the video are:
Introverts are not better than extroverts and vice versa. It’s about creating awareness and respecting each other’s uniqueness and with that understanding, working together successfully at the work place and in our relationships.
Introverts are not shy people. It’s how they respond to stimulation and I would also put it as where we draw our energy from. I draw my energy from introspection and time by myself whereas an extrovert will draw his/her energy from engaging with other people.
Whether we are introverts by nature or through life experiences (nurture), it doesn’t matter. The main thing is to continue to learn, understand and use your unique strengths.
If you are facing challenges being your authentic introverted self in the workplace or on the personal front, please reach out to me to discover what coaching can do for you.
Too Quiet
“Introverts keep their best stuff inside—that is, until it is ready. And this drives extroverts crazy! The explanation for the introvert’s behaviour—and there must be an explanation for this behavior, say the extroverts—is that he or she is antisocial, out of touch, or simply a snob.”
― Laurie Helgoe, American author
I recently had meetings with my children’s teachers before the start of the school break to receive feedback on their progress in school. It was assuring for me hear that there were no academic concerns that needed to be addressed. However, all their teachers shared their concerns about my children being too quiet and introverted. In my teenage son’s case, the teachers felt that he gave the impression of being too laid back and disinterested in the lessons. Coincidentally, he is also seated at the back of the class as he is on the taller side and keeps pretty much to himself when lessons are conducted. You will never find him raising his hand to answer any questions or volunteer to step up in front of the class to present and speak on a topic.
As for my daughters, the older one was seen as being uncommunicative and not expressive of her thoughts and feelings. My youngest daughter also received similar feedback and the teachers were concerned that she didn’t make any friends since the start of the school year.
My first reaction after these meetings ended was a mixture of frustration and disbelief. Why is introversion viewed negatively by people in general? Yes, my children are introverts just like their parents but that doesn’t mean that they are incapable of adjusting socially in this noisy world. After I calmed myself down and had a discussion with my husband, we spoke to each child individually and worked with them on what they can do to give their teachers and classmates a better impression. We also assured them that there is nothing wrong in being an introvert. It’s just at times, people in general don’t understand introversion and equate being quiet and contented in oneself as anti-social, unengaged or snobbish!
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.”
Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking shared this nugget of wisdom, “Figure out what you are meant to contribute to the world and make sure you contribute it. If this requires public speaking or networking or other activities that make you uncomfortable, do them anyway. But accept that they're difficult, get the training you need to make them easier, and reward yourself when you're done.”
That was exactly what we explored with each of our children.
For my son, we discussed how he can show more interest in class and I knew that I cannot persuade him to volunteer to speak up in class. Instead, he suggested that he has one-to-one sessions with his Math teacher over the school break to strengthen his understanding of the subject. The teacher had always expressed his willingness to help so it was a matter of my son taking the initiative to meet with him. We also encouraged him to present for the group work that he does with his friends as he often is happy to do the research but holds back from speaking about the final product. It will definitely be uncomfortable for him! We reminded him that public speaking is a valuable skill to pick up as we will all need to do it in the workplace. Hopefully, our nudges will steer him in the right direction.
As for the girls, we told the elder one that she has to communicate her thoughts, in particular if she is unhappy about something or uncertain about the teachers’ instructions as it’s to her detriment if she just stays quiet. We told her that no one will judge her negatively if she just asks. I reminded her that more often than not, we think of the situation as being worse than they actually are. My youngest daughter’s teacher had taken the initiative to pair her up with a buddy over the school break. I advised her that this is a good opportunity to develop a new friendship and helped her create an email to this new friend.
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash
Are you an introvert? Do you face issues at your workplace due to your introversion? Perhaps you are not recognised for your contribution as much as your more outspoken colleagues.
Here are my thoughts along the lines of what I shared in my conversations with my children:
Speak up but in a way that works for you
We all have difficulty stepping outside our comfort zone. However, when we hold ourselves back, we end up being over-looked and our contribution to our workplace is also less impactful. Is it speaking up in meetings that you feel awkward about? Experiment by speaking up in smaller meetings on a subject matter that you know very well. Slowly build up your confidence. If it’s public speaking that causes the butterflies in your stomach, explore how you can learn this skill and practice.
Suspend judgment
We often overthink issues in our minds. We jump to conclusions about how bad a situation is and then our thoughts spiral downwards, out of control. The classic example is when your manager walks past you in the corridor and doesn’t smile at you. Your likely first reaction is, “Oh no, he’s angry at me! What did I do?” but how true is that? You don’t know at that point in time. There could be a number of reasons why he didn’t acknowledge you. Don’t accept every thought that comes up in your mind as the absolute truth. Question your assumptions. As much as we don’t like to hear this (because we are all egotistical beings), it’s not always about you!
Seek help and support
If your issue is too big for you to handle on your own, seek help. Have a one-to-one conversation with your manager or supervisor. If it is a sensitive matter, don’t hesitate to raise it through the proper channels within the framework of your organisation. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Seek support as well from your colleagues and peers. Share your experiences with other introverted colleagues. Collaborate with extroverted peers. The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to go through your challenges alone.
Debbie Tung - Wheresmybubble Instagram
If you are an introvert and would like the support of an introverted coach who understands the unique challenges an introvert faces in this loud and noisy world, book a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me here to find out how I can help you.
Find your powerful quiet voice and live life fully on your own terms.