Three Gifts
“Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new centre of gravity. Don't fight them. Just find a new way to stand.”
― Oprah Winfrey, American TV personality
What is your first reaction when a difficulty or an unforeseen adversity hits you? Do you feel anger, fear, anxiety, grief, hopelessness, a sense of loss or all of these and more? It is normal that our first reaction is negative and we are more likely to go through a roller coaster of negative emotions during such dark periods in our lives. How do you feel when you read Oprah’s quote on seeing challenges as gifts? Are you repulsed by it? You may think it is easy for her to say that. She has a wealth of resources to back her up during any crisis!
However, if we pause and reflect on the quote, the essence of it is that we can choose our behaviours, subsequent actions and decisions in respect of the challenges and adversities in our lives. We can choose to fight them - to live with anger, resentment and hatred. We can choose to avoid them - to live with the suppression of our emotions and pretend that all is well with us. We can choose to let the negative emotions overwhelm us and allow them to consume us, believing that all hope is lost.
We can choose to recalibrate, find a new centre of gravity and see these challenges as opportunities of learning and growth - as gifts. How do we do that amidst all our pain and suffering? Dr. Shirzad Chamine, in his book, Positive Intelligence, wrote about The Three-Gifts Technique which will help us shift our perspectives. Think of three scenarios which could possibly arise from a negative event in your life that may be regarded as gifts or opportunities. This will take proactive intention, time and patience. It may take weeks, months or years to realise that there are gifts to these adversities. The main thing is to continue looking.
Dr. Chamine suggests that there are three gifts that may arise from these difficult situations.
Gift of Knowledge
Ask yourself what knowledge would I be able to gain from this adversity which will result in a larger pay-out in the future. For example, if you lose a bid for a major project, instead of beating yourself up about it, take time to reflect and take stock of your learnings from it. Use your learnings to think of a new strategy and implement a plan for the next bid.
Gift of Power
What power or strength must I grow to be able to handle this challenge? There are problems in our lives that are small and easy to manage. There are persistent problems but with effort and determination, they can be resolved. Then, there are the big problems that seem insurmountable. With each problem, think of your inner resources and strengths and leverage on them to address the problems. Perhaps, in the case of dealing with a difficult family member, you have to build your power of patience and empathy. Again, this will take time and intention of wanting to do so.
Gift of Inspiration
Convert the difficulty into an inspiration for something better. For example, your house was destroyed in a fire. If you use the insurance money to rebuild your house in exactly the same way as it was before, you would feel that it was such a waste of time and money. However, if you spend some time thinking of how to build a better home using the money, you will open yourself up to new ideas and feel a sense of achievement and hope of a fresh start when your new home is completed. In this example of rebuilding your house, you can also receive the gift of inspiration in the form of something unrelated to the house. You may have to live with your sister while the house is being rebuilt. Your relationship with your sister was strained in the past. Although in the beginning of your stay with her, it was extremely difficult. However, as weeks passed, both of you manage to talk through your differences and rebuilt your relationship into a stronger one. It would not have happened if you didn’t go through this difficult time in your life.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
You may be thinking that I cannot possibly do all that! How can you ask me to look for gifts in such painful, heart-breaking situations? The Three-Gifts Technique is not a quick-fix tool. We will have to apply it all our lives with persistent determination and see it as a lifelong journey of practice and growth. What is the cost of not doing so? You will be stuck in the negative situation, not being able to live life fully and meaningfully. Even if you are only able to take small steps in this direction of looking for the gifts in your adversities, you are already growing and healing slowly from the painful events. Don’t do this alone. Reach out to people who love you and who can support you in this journey. Look out for these gifts together. Support one another.
If you are currently facing a difficult situation in your life right now and want to explore how coaching can help you find the light at the end of your tunnel, drop me a note here to find out how I can support you as your coach.
I’m also running a Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan on 30 October 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). You will explore your inner resources which have helped you cope with past challenges and leverage and build upon these resources to face future challenges. This session will be conducted in a safe, non-judgmental space with me as your coach. If you feel that this is something that can help you right now, please click here to reserve your place.
“The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.”
