Speed of Recovery
My heartfelt gratitude to each of you who reached out to me with encouragement and support when my youngest daughter and I came down with dengue fever last month. August was indeed a difficult month with all 3 kids being ill (yes, my teenage son was also suspected of having Covid-19 just like my middle daughter. Thankfully, like her, his test results came back negative). Dengue hit me hard and to date, I am still not 100% my usual self. I suffer from fatigue, occasional headaches and body aches. My youngest daughter, on the other hand, has fully recovered and proudly declares that she has conquered dengue with gusto!
“It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how your life’s story will develop.”
- Dieter F. Uchtdorf, German aviator
My youngest daughter returned to school in the first week of September. I had asked her teacher to excuse her from any strenuous physical activities as I was concerned that it would be too much for her to handle given that she had just recovered. However, my daughter wanted to participate in her school’s sports day. She didn’t want to let her team down. Seeing how determined she was, I spoke to her teacher again and she agreed to let my daughter join the team events. Around lunch time, her teacher sent several text messages to me, informing me that my daughter gave her very best in the events and her team came out as champions! She even stepped in for a friend who couldn’t take part that day. I was so proud of her, not so much for winning but for being determined to do her best and not let her team down. When she had dengue fever, she couldn’t move much and spent most of her time sleeping. I am amazed at how quickly she recovered, both physically and emotionally. She had set her mind to do her best for her team and lived up to her word. She didn’t give up!
My road to recovery was very different from hers. As I was in pain and physically very weak, I was rock-bottom emotionally. I felt defeated. I felt frustrated. I felt angry. All my plans for the month of August had to be cancelled or rescheduled. Even when I was physically better, I was unable to find motivation to get back in the swing of things. It was as though I was stuck in a fog, unable to see my way out of it. I just gave up and did nothing!
What was the key difference here? Both my daughter and I had dengue. We both physically recovered around the same time. Yet, she bounced back so quickly and I struggled. It was our mindset. She was optimistic and looked forward to things she was excited about. I was pessimistic and looked back at the month of August with regret given all the things that were not accomplished. That stronghold of my regret and frustrations kept me from moving past this illness. I allowed myself to stay there.
The lesson I learnt is that it is our reaction to adversity that truly impacts the course of our lives and not the adversity itself. If I had been more positive like my daughter, the speed of my emotional recovery would have been much faster and smoother. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time in the fog.
“I am down. And that is okay. I may be down for a while, but I will rise again. And when I rise, I will rise higher than I’ve gone before, I will be stronger than I’ve been before. I will thrive.”
So, how did I eventually make my way out of my fog of regret, frustration and anger?
My husband told me that I was looking to put everything right all at the same time. The fact that I wasn’t able to do so prevented me from doing anything at all. I was paralysed and overwhelmed. He reminded me that I didn’t have to fix everything all at once. I know it sounds simple but I’m really an “all or nothing” type of person as I’ve shared in one of my previous blog posts.
I had to remind myself that what I’m feeling and going through is not Personal, Pervasive and Permanent. The 3Ps, a positive psychology tool on handling adversity and building our resilience muscles, proposed by Dr. Martin Seligman, a renowned psychologist, often referred to as the father of modern-day positive psychology movement, explains how we are to view our adverse circumstances.
Personal - We are often tempted to think that everything that happens to us is caused by us. The problem is with me. By shifting our perspectives and considering the possibility that external factors that are not within our control have caused our circumstances will prevent us from blaming ourselves. Once you have a more accurate view of things, you will be able to bounce back faster. I realised that it’s not my fault that my daughter and I had dengue. We were just at the wrong place at the wrong time to be bitten by that particular mosquito!
Pervasive - This is falling into the trap of thinking that one problem causes a ripple effect and applies to all areas of our lives. I was caught in this trap. I felt that every single area of my life was negatively impacted just because I was ill. Once I started realising that this isn’t so, I slowly found my way out of my fog. My husband was extremely supportive during this difficult time in our family. I also had support from my in-laws who took care of our meals and household chores when I wasn’t able to get out of bed. My coaching business was put on hold but I had understanding clients who didn’t put any pressure on me to resume their coaching sessions. Keeping the right perspective really helped me. My illness wasn’t pervasive.
Permanent - We may also think that our difficult circumstances are permanent. When we are going through adversity, it is extremely challenging and it may feel like it will never end. However, the reality is most of our adversities are not permanent. Once you are able to view the situation as temporary, you will be able to cope better with it. I have not fully recovered yet but I know now that I will come out of this experience stronger.
Don’t lose heart when you are facing adversity. Remind yourself to stop and consider the 3Ps. Is it really personal, pervasive and permanent? Once you realise that it’s not, you are already strengthening your resilience muscles. If you require more support, be it in the form of one-to-one coaching or group coaching, I would be more than happy to explore the options with you. Reach out to me here today!
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou, American poet
All or Nothing
“…for
there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so…”
-William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2
I learned an interesting insight about myself several weeks ago. I had 2 peer coaching sessions with 2 peer coaches where I was coached on 2 different topics. Both triggered an awareness that I am an “all or nothing” person. When I look at a situation, I have this urge to decide whether I will give it my all i.e. my full commitment and see it through to completion and perhaps, even perfection OR I don’t do anything at all. I can’t seem to see any other alternatives outside this “all or nothing”. One topic was quite light hearted and yet, I was fixated that I needed to tackle the situation with a ‘big bang” solution i.e. my “all” approach or just do nothing. However, both options gave me discomfort. My peer coach helped me realise that there is a possibility that I can choose something between 0 and 100%! I know it sounds so simple but as I was so entrenched in my belief that it has to be “all or nothing”, I couldn’t see any other options. This realisation that it was perfectly fine for me to decide on something at 25% or 65% was powerful. I don’t need to go 100% all the time.
The second topic was serious one as I wanted to plan how I am to spend my time and resources on my coaching business. Again, I was stuck with this 0 or 100% perspective. I felt troubled as I could not decide how to move forward. Staying where I am now is not acceptable as I want to progress and improve my business. However, my thoughts around making the 100% mark for my business is daunting. Hence, the stuck feeling. My peer coach helped me understand the reason behind my impatience of needing to decide so quickly and so drastically. It was because in my mind, once I have decided on an action plan, there will be certainty. Certainty provides comfort for me. Then, my mind will be at ease and I can focus on the execution part of my plan. Once I have understood the urgency behind my thinking, I was able to slowly see that there are alternatives besides my 100% goals. I can take small, manageable steps towards my goals. I can experiment and see what works and what doesn’t. I learned that I don’t have to rush. I can be at ease amidst uncertainties. It wasn’t an easy learning for me simply because this was how I have always been thinking and operating. Changing or some would say, rewiring my brain takes conscious effort and determination to steer away from the normal routes I would take.
Can we really rewire our brain?
The short answer is yes. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to adapt.
“It refers to the physiological changes in the brain that happen as the result of our interactions with our environment. From the time the brain begins to develop in utero until the day we die, the connections among the cells in our brains reorganize in response to our changing needs. This dynamic process allows us to learn from and adapt to different experiences.” – Dr. Celeste Campbell, American neuropsychologist
Our neural pathways are like the roads we walk on. Imagine that you have to walk across a lawn to go to your favourite cafe. You will be walking the same path everyday. What do you see? The grass is not growing any more on that path because you have been walking on it every day. This path is clearly defined. You’re on autopilot mode when you walk to your favourite cafe. If someone asked you to try a new route to the cafe, you would hard pressed to agree to do so. Walking on a new path will take effort. You will need to try something new and it may not be what you expect. It is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. However, trying out a new path may also lead you to new sights and sounds and maybe even, a nicer cafe than your favourite one!
All of you would have heard these sayings, “old habits die hard” and “it takes 21 days to form a new habit”. We are used to living our lives on autopilot mode. It is easier just to keep walking on our well-trodden paths than to discover new ones which provides us with new and wonderful opportunities.
How can we break free from our autopilot mode?
1) Discover your well-trodden path You will first need to understand and recognise your autopilot mode.
2) Try something different
Experiment doing something different from your usual way of thinking. Using my example, I’m learning to be comfortable in not always going for 100% when it comes to making my plans. Taking small steps in the intended direction is fine!
3) Learning a new creative skill
Doing something creative enhances the connectivity in your brain and allows for creation of new neural pathways. If you have no time to take on a new skill, just have fun singing and dancing in the privacy of your room or just try doodling.
4) Having “down” time
Taking time out to rest and recharge and do the things you enjoy like reading, meditating or even just sleeping.
Creating new neural pathways is a lifelong journey so it is important to remember to be kind to yourself and to celebrate your successes. Give yourself credit when you carved out 15 minutes of “down” time in your busy work day. Celebrate with a friend when you experimented doing something differently from your autopilot mode. The important thing is to be able to recognise your autopilot mode and realise that you don’t have to keep thinking or doing things the way you have always done them if they don’t benefit you.
You can give yourself the freedom to think differently!
I would love to hear of your insights from this post and also, please share your successes with me! Just send me a note here!
“Any man could, if he were so inclined, be the sculptor of his own brain.”
The Tale of Two Wolves
The tale of the two wolves is a popular legend of unknown origin, often attributed to the Native American Cherokee Indians.
A young boy came to his Grandfather, filled with anger at another boy who had done him an injustice.
The old Grandfather said to his grandson, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and hate does not hurt your enemy. Hate is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times."
"It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offence when no offence was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.”
“But the other wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper." "He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, because his anger will change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, because both of the wolves try to dominate my spirit." The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which wolf will win, Grandfather?" The Grandfather smiled and said, "The one I feed."
Story adapted from https://theacademy.sdsu.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/two-wolves-cherokee-story.pdf
What thoughts come to mind as you read this tale?
The story reminds me of the choices we make in our lives. We can choose how we view a particular situation. If we start to feel anger or frustration over an event that is not in our favour, we can choose to take a step back and look at the situation objectively or we can choose to fuel the anger and frustration. Our choice will determine our reaction to the event. That same choice will also have longer lasting consequences on how we view the rest of our days, weeks, months and even years. If we have been hurt by a family member or a friend and we choose to fuel the hurt, it develops into a deep-seated resentment and hatred towards that person. As the wise grandfather advised his grandson in the story, you are only hurting yourself with your anger and hatred. It does not change anything. No one suffers more than you do.
“Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering”
I couldn’t resist the wise words of Master Yoda as I am an avid Star Wars fan! On a serious note though, there is truth in his statement. Whatever you focus your mind and energy on, you give it strength to grow and to take hold of your being. It consumes you until it becomes a part of you. If you feed anger and hate, you find that anger and hate seeps into all areas of your life.
Now that you know that what you feed, wins the battle to dominate your spirit and you have a choice to decide which wolf to feed, what can you do to ensure you feed the right wolf?
You can use mindfulness practices to be aware of your emotions. By being more aware of your emotions, you will be better equipped to take a step back and not let the emotions control you. The ability to pause and to acknowledge your emotions without rushing to react is powerful. It creates that space for you to slow down, process the emotion and then make a choice as to how you want to act or refrain from acting.
A common misconception of mindfulness is that you need to get away to a peaceful resort or a quiet place, set aside an entire day and sit cross-legged and chant.
That is not what mindfulness entails. Mindfulness simply means paying attention to the here and now. The attention can be directed to things outside ourselves or to our thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Mindful attention also means attention without judgment. We do not label the sensations and feelings immediately as positive or negative. We simply observe and accept that we are feeling these sensations and emotions.
Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash
What can you do to start cultivating mindfulness in your life?
Awareness of routine activities - as you go about your daily activities such as brushing your teeth, driving or commuting to work or having a meal, focus your attention fully on the activity - the sights, the sounds and sensations. If thoughts or distractions emerge, just notice them and then bring your attention gently back to the activity on hand. There is no judgment. It is just to practise adopting a single focus for your attention.
Awareness of your body - regularly pay attention to your body such as posture and physical sensations such as pain and tension throughout the day in various circumstances. A strong awareness of your body can serve as an early indicator of any stress-related ailments.
Awareness of impulses - when you pay attention to your automated reactions to certain emotions, you will start to see a pattern. By recognising your emotional triggers and patterns, you will be able to make a conscious choice not to be led solely by your emotions. For example, you may notice a pattern that whenever someone gives you a constructive feedback about the way you handle a particular work task, your automated reaction is to be defensive and reply curtly to that person. By recognising this, you will be able to pause and then make a conscious decision on your reaction and behaviour.
Try out these mindfulness practices with curiosity and kindness to yourself. It is not meant as an assessment or benchmark of one’s level of awareness. It is a lifelong learning journey. If you would like to explore mindfulness practices in more depth, please contact us here! We would love to support and encourage you in your journey to feed the wolf that will give you growth, peace and joy!
We’re also running our Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan today! This is happening on 28 August 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time).
What Part are You Playing?
We all play many roles and parts in our lives. What is your true identity when you strip all your roles away? Do you know who you truly are? Read this blog post to explore this question.
“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts,…”
- William Shakespeare (from As You Like It, spoken by Jaques)
My son was tasked to write an essay for his Social Studies assignment two weeks ago. The title of his essay was “What influences my personal identity? Name the influences and evaluate the positive and negative impact of these influences.” We had a discussion on the possible influences and I suggested Shakespeare’s quote as a starting point for his essay. If we see the world as a stage, we as actors, have a part to play at a designated time and for a designated purpose. He saw that as a student, he is playing his role in conformity to society’s expectations of him - what the school and other adults expect him to think and behave. If he acts outside of society’s norms, there will be implications of acceptance and belonging. Will society still accept him if he does not behave in accordance with society’s rules? Apart from society’s expectations, there are also our expectations of him as his parents and how his peers see him. He wrote about the responsibilities of being the eldest in the family and the pressures of setting a good example for his sisters. He also felt that he had to grow up faster than if he was just an only child. As for his peers, there is a strong element of fitting in and doing the “right” things to belong to a particular group of friends. If he doesn’t fit in a particular clique, he may run the risk of being labelled a “nerd”, a “goody-two-shoes”, a “rebel”, a “misfit” or any other undesirable labels that clearly distinguish him from that clique.
If we are honest with ourselves, the issue of conformity to societal expectations at the expense of hiding our true identity still affects us in adulthood. We just become better actors with age. We play the roles of a good upright citizen, a good employee, a good spouse, a good parent, a good son and son-in-law well. We redraft and refine our scripts so that life is easier to manage and hopefully, we find happiness along the way. Is this true though? Is life really easier and happier if we conform to external expectations at the expense of stifling our true identity?
How many “should’s”, “ought to’s” and “I have to’s” are influencing your daily decisions in life? Are these thoughts liberating you or drowning you? Do you want to tear your script and take on a whole new role, one that fills you with excitement, hope and purpose?
“Inside of every one of us is that tiny seed of the “you” that you were meant to become. Unfortunately, you may have buried this seed in response to your parents, teachers, coaches and other adult role models as you were growing up. ”
After the years of conformity and pleasing the adults in our lives, we eventually suppress our true identities, wants and desires. We strive to please others and obtain their approvals for how we live our lives. We forget who we truly are and what sparks life and joy for us. Do these statements resonate with you?
I studied medicine because my father wanted me to follow in his footsteps.
I got a “real” job because no one else in my family pursued their dream jobs.
I married this person because my mother thinks she is good for me.
I gave up the idea of being an artist because I have bills to pay.
How do you reclaim yourself and your true desires? How do you reconnect with your passions and dreams? How do you start living your life as your true self? You start by taking small steps to honour your preferences in every situation. When you are confronted with a choice, no matter how insignificant, act as if you have a preference.
“What would my choice be?”
“Which do I prefer?”
“What would I rather do?”
Practice asking and answering these questions daily to get comfortable with making choices and decisions that you really want, fulfilling you at a deeper, inner level.
Another exercise for you to start rediscovering who you truly are is to write your “I Want…” list. See if you can elicit the help of your spouse, partner, trusted family member or friend for this exercise.
Make a list of:
30 things you want to do
30 things you want to have
30 things you want to be before you die
Have him or her ask you “What do you want?” for each list. Do this for about 10 minutes and you don’t have to say the items in any particular order or according to any particular category. In the beginning, you will probably start off with material possessions like cars, houses or luxury goods. However, towards the end of this exercise, you will find that your “wants” reflect your true “you”, your dreams and passions. You may find yourself saying, “I want to be remembered as a good leader”, “I want to be surrounded by my children who are happy and healthy”, “I want to help build resilience in my community”.
You find your true voice, coming out loud and clear. How long has it been since you heard it? How do you feel hearing it aloud in front of a trusted individual? Is it liberating and empowering? Do you feel a renewed sense of purpose and excitement in your life?
If you found this exercise impacting you in a positive manner and you would like to explore ways to live your life authentically, reach out to us here today to find out how we can help you in this!
What's Your Story?
I hope you enjoyed my blog posts, River Series, last month. I appreciate your feedback and please let me know if you want to read more posts on the River Series. As for the month of July, I’ll be sharing my thoughts on several of the International Coaching Federation’s (ICF) Core Competencies. ICF Core Competencies support coaches in their delivery of their coaching sessions in a professional manner, aimed to bring out the best results for their clients, both personally and professionally. For today’s post, I’ll be writing on some aspects of Core Competency No. 7 Evokes Awareness. According to ICF, this competency seeks to “facilitate client insight and learning by using tools and techniques such as powerful questioning, silence, metaphor or analogy.” The coach will explore with the client his/her ways of thinking, values, needs, wants and beliefs. What patterns influences the client’s thoughts and beliefs? Once these patterns are identified, the coach will work with the client to move him/her forward in their goals and aspirations. The client’s limiting beliefs and fears will be addressed and the coach will invite the client to reframe existing perspectives to create new ways of thinking that are beneficial for him/her.
“When you understand, that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, American author
Let’s imagine your life is a movie and you play the leading role. What type of movie would it be? Would it be a romantic comedy (my favourite genre, by the way!), an action packed adventure, a gripping courtroom drama, a tear jerker or an epic production comprising of a prequel, a trilogy and an epilogue (that’s also another favourite genre of mine - Star Wars and Lord of the Rings come to mind!)?
As the lead in your movie, what are your strengths and virtues? Are you a strong, confident and inspiring lead? Do you often see yourself as the underdog, always fighting to be heard and to prove yourself? Do you find yourself like the accused on the witness stand, trying your best to fend off the prosecutor’s relentless questions? Do you see yourself as the martyr, always suffering for others and not taking enough care of yourself?
The main question for you to answer here is, “Are you happy with your current story?” If not, what would you want your story’s plot to be? Are you able to edit or start afresh?
Photo by Denise Jans on Unsplash
The answer is yes but we have to first confront our stories. Most of the time, we are unaware that the decisions that we make in our lives are directly impacted by the stories we tell ourselves. It is so ingrained in us that we believe that these stories are true and that there is no other way to look at the situation. If we were told at a very young age that girls are meant to be demure and that we should not speak up unless we are first spoken to, this “truth” will subconsciously stay with us to adulthood. Perhaps, it’s this story that you are holding on to that results in you being awkward in meetings at work. It affects your confidence in showing up, being assertive and pushing yourself to achieve all that you dream of.
What if we changed this story? Girls, like boys, are unique individuals. There are some girls who are quieter than others and that’s fine. However, this does not mean that they do not have anything important to say. There are some girls who know from a very young age what they want in their lives. They are heroines in their own right and do not require anyone to save them. How will these stories influence you in adulthood? Will you be bolder to present yourself courageously at work and in life? Would you enthusiastically step into the shoes of a heroine?
What are the stories that you are telling yourself? Do any of these stories sound familiar to you?
I always have to work harder than everyone else and yet, I see everyone else succeeding with ease and getting ahead of me.
I can never earn enough money. I am always falling behind.
I don’t know what she will see in me. She’s intelligent, capable and beautiful. What can I offer her as her life partner?
They look so happy as a family. I will never have a family like that.
Something awful always happens to be me, no matter what I do.
How can you break free from these limiting stories? The first thing is to be aware that these are just stories, your perceptions of the events and circumstances in your life. They are not reality. Ask yourself these questions to become more aware of your stories.
What are my “shoulds” in life?
E.g. “I should always be nice and give in, even when I don’t like it because it’s the right thing to do.” or “I should just give up as I would never succeed anyway so what’s the point in trying?”
What do you think your stories are protecting you from?
How are my stories helping me in this situation/in my life?
How different would my life be if I changed just a scene or two from my story?
If you can rewrite your story, what would it look like?
Now that you are more aware of your stories, what can you do about them? Are you happy with your current stories? If the answer is yes, that is fantastic news! I hope you can share these questions with your family and friends to help them to become more aware of their stories. If you are not thrilled about your stories and want support to edit, rewrite or even tear up the entire script (!), please reach out to us here today to find out how we can help you write new stories or relive old happy ones!