Blockers!
“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
“I don’t have a choice!”
How often have you said this? I have. Countless times. We say this when our circumstances seem dire and we feel helpless. Coincidentally, I had a conversation with someone on choices earlier this week and I hear myself saying this, “We always have choices. The fact that we say that we don’t have any choices is a choice in itself.” It is easier to give up and give in to the circumstances that we are in than to see how we can improve them. Even if we cannot change our external circumstances, I am reminded of Viktor Frankl’s powerful quote, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
We can choose our thoughts, our attitude, our behaviours and our mindset.
Let’s explore this in the context of setting goals and not meeting them.
A possible reason causing us not to achieve our goals is when we are faced with unexpected barriers that we're unsure how to deal with. We may shut down and wallow in self-pity and frustration. We become discouraged. We start making excuses and convince ourselves that we were never really serious about achieving that particular goal. That it was a good to have and not something we truly desure. We allow ourselves to back off of our original plan. While this is a human and natural tendency, it's not conducive to success.
One approach which you can take to counter this natural downward progression of thoughts and emotions is to explore all those little "what ifs" and see how you can pre-empt them with possible solutions.
"What if I don't pass the prerequisite course?"
"What if I don't get the loan?"
"What if I run out of time?"
"What if the marketing doesn't work?"
"What if I just don't feel like it?"
These are all very real barriers that keep us from realizing our life goals. By planning for them, we greatly improve our chances of succeeding and experience the power of being empowered with a purpose.
What kind of blockers do you foresee?
Internal Blockers
Internal blockers include the thoughts you have about your goal, success, and how you see yourself that keep you from being successful. They include your personal fears, motivation, self-esteem, and paradigms.
"What if I just don't feel like doing my assignment?"
Possible approach - commit to yourself to working on it for at least 15 minutes. Then take a break and come back to it later. This will give you a sense of achievement.
"What if my fear of being rejected in phone calls keeps me from following through on my marketing campaign?"
Try asking a friend help you make the initial phone calls. You might feel better doing when you are not doing it alone. Take the rejections as lessons of growth to discover what you can improve on. Accepting rejections can also strengthen your resilience muscle.
"What if I find myself procrastinating?"
Ask a friend/an accountability partner/your coach to support you in reminding you spend time working on your goals. See if you can find ways to be your own accountability partner. For example, set a dedicated time each day to work on your goals and set milestones and internal timelines.
External Blockers
External blockers include barriers such as money, time, other people's reactions, resources, and results. We are not in direct control of them, but in some instances, we can still do something about it by focusing on what is within our control, planning in advance and taking those steps to improve our situation.
"What if the client turns down my proposal?"
Try thinking - if I don’t submit my proposal, I remain in status quo as in I am not working with this client. If the client rejects my proposal, it still provides an opportunity to ask questions to see how I can improve my proposal and resubmit it.
"What if I lose the materials for the conference I’m presenting in?"
Prepare for this outcome - email them to yourself as a back-up. If you need hard copies printed, arrange in advance with the organisers for this to be done. Make a copy for yourself as well.
"What if the supply of product A doesn’t arrive in time to meet the client’s deadline?"
Anticipate such delays and keep the client informed in order to manage their expectations. Work with your team to brainstorm alternative solutions. Remember that you do not need to solve this all by yourself if you are working in a team or managing a team. Leverage on each other’s strengths.
These are just some simple examples to illustrate that there is always a choice to approach the many obstacles we face in our lives. I hope that you will be encouraged not to give up hope and to learn to view your circumstances from a different lens, one that empowers and uplifts you.
If you would like to explore how coaching can help you stay on course with your goals, I would love to support you in your life’s journey. Schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call with me at this link.
“There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.”
― Shannon L. Alder
What is your choice?
The Case of the “Shoulds”
“...don’t worry too much about what someone else says you “should” do. Know what you want to do and why it’s important to you.”
― Melissa Steginus, American author
“I should have studied harder.”
“I should have been promoted to senior manager by now.”
“I should have recovered from this relationship.”
“I should have invested more time with my family.”
“I should have been smarter and wiser.”
“I should be happier".”
What are the “shoulds” in your life? What situations give you the case of the “shoulds”?
My “shoulds” tend to show up in situations which matter a lot to me. For example, in my coaching business, I feel I should do more marketing. I should find ways to reach out to more people. I should start doing videos and podcasts. I should spend more time and energy on my business. It also shows up when I parent my children. I should be more caring towards them. I should spend more time with them. I should allow them to make mistakes. I should give them all the opportunity to explore their interests.
At first glance, these “shoulds” appear to mean well and have the intention to propel me to succeed as an entrepreneur and a parent. However, upon closer scrutiny, these “shoulds” are judgmental and create doubts and insecurity. They tell me that I am not good enough and that I need to do more. They come with a sense of heaviness and if not properly dealt with, will lead to more stress and anxiety. They also make us feel that we are lacking in something or not doing the right thing.
German psychoanalyst Karen Horney (1885-1952) had a phrase for this: “the tyranny of the should.” She viewed shoulds as dividing our personalities into two selves: an ideal self and a real self. When we don’t live up to the ideal self, we are split and our inner critic comes out. The “shoulds” make up the rules of how we are to live our lives and also how we view the world. The inner critic constantly evaluates what the person says, what s/he does and even what s/he feels by comparing him/her to an ideal of perfection defined by the rules - the “shoulds”.
“Stop asking “What should I do now?” That question only brings up what others expect of you. Free people don’t have shoulds. They have choices.”
— Steve Pavlina, American author
Is there a cure for the “shoulds”?
I like the quote by Melissa Steginus. “Know what you want to do and why it’s important to you.” The other quote by Steve Pavlina reminds us that we have choices. We cannot dictate people’s expectations of us but we can choose how we want to acknowledge and validate ourselves. We do so by knowing our purpose in life. We also need to accept where we are in the present moment. Accept that we are all work in progress and none of us are “completed” yet.
What can we do the next time we are hit by the case of the “shoulds”?
Check its truth
The next time you find yourself saying, “I should be doing this”, “I should have said that” or “I should be more …”, ask yourself if the statement is true. Is it true that you should have done or said what your inner critic wanted you to do or say? For example, if you think you should have been promoted by now, what is the basis for that statement? Is it because you have worked in the organisation for many years and ought to be promoted simply because you have paid your dues in terms of your years of service with them? Check this truth against the way your organisation typically promotes their employees. Check this truth against your own performance and achievements in the organisation. If after taking an objective, factual view on the situation and you still feel that you should have been promoted, plan the next course of action. This may involve speaking to your manager, fine-tuning your skill-set and increasing your visibility by networking. It may also entail exploring other opportunities within or outside your organisation. By resisting the urge to listen to your inner critic blindly, you are now able to evaluate the situation in a calmer and more rational way.
Check its source
Where did that particular “should” come from? E.g. “I should lose more weight, otherwise, I’ll never be in a meaningful relationship with my ideal partner”. Where did this rule come from? Was it from your upbringing - what your parents and family members used to say to you about your weight? Was it from societal norms and conformity? Was it also due to your own comparison to your friends’ relationships? In the beginning, this “should” may sound like a well-meaning rule that will help you succeed and be happy in your life. However, remind yourself to check its truth and also check its source before abiding by this rule. Is thinking this way really good for me?
Reframe
If you have evaluated the truth and source of your “should” and find that it is a lie and isn’t coming from a place that is helping you, how do you reframe your perspective? In the example of “I should have been promoted by now”, how about saying “I want to be promoted”? What feelings does the latter bring up for you? By choosing another way to look at the situation, you are likely to feel empowered. I want to be promoted therefore, I will do “X”, “Y” and “Z”. You proactively make choices to reach your end goal. You’re not beaten into a corner by your inner critic. I should lose weight then I will be able to find my ideal partner. Ask yourself, what’s my purpose in this intention? Is it to lose the weight or find the ideal partner? What does losing the weight mean for you in the long term? You can start to shift your thinking to look at being fit and healthy and start accepting yourself as you are at your current state. Love yourself, practise kindness and empathy towards yourself. As a result, you will end up happier irrespective of whether or not you are in a romantic relationship with your ideal partner. Ask yourself, “What is it that I want in this “should”?” Question it, dig deep until you find out what you really want and why it is important to you. Use the answer as your compass as you plan your next steps.
You don’t have to journey alone. I will be happy to support you as your coach as you work on checking the truth and the source of your “shoulds”. Together, we will reframe your “shoulds” to bring you closer to your life’s purpose and to live it meaningfully.
“The only impossible journey is the one you never begin.” - Tony Robbins, renowned author, coach and speaker
Begin your journey with me today
Closing Time
Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open 'til your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
Lyrics of Closing Time by Semisonic
I recently watched an old episode of the American sitcom, The Office (“Doomsday”, episode 6, Season 8, 2011) and just couldn’t get the catchy rendition of Closing Time sung by one of the characters, Andy Bernard, out of my head. Andy, the new manager of Dunder Mifflin, a small paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania, wanted to help his employees bring closure to the end of their work day by singing this song. If you are curious, you can watch the clip here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buvF_qOEh3E&ab_channel=TheOffice
(Let me know if the catchy song stays in your mind long after you have heard it!)
To quote Andy Bernard from the video clip, “Every office needs an “end of the day” tradition. Something to tell you the day’s over. Otherwise you go home and the night just feels like more day.”
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
This statement definitely makes sense when we used to commute to work during the pre-Covid days. We physically left our offices, rushed to get home in our respective mode of transportation and resolve to leave our work concerns and issues at the doorstep of our homes. I took the train to my office back then and the commuting time was close to an hour. My end of day routine was to listen to music in the train or if I’m lucky enough to find a seat, I’ll read a few pages off my chosen book of that month. Once I’ve arrived at the station near my home, I would drop by the nearest supermarket to pick up some groceries or buy snacks for my children. It’s a nice way for me to unwind and separate my work day from my home life.
However, all of our end of day routines have changed since the start of the pandemic last year with lockdowns and restrictions worldwide. Boundaries have blurred as we work in our bedrooms, kitchens, dining area and gardens. Our roles have also changed. Apart from being employees or business owners, we are also teaching our children at home and being the housekeeper and caregiver all at the same time. We don’t shut off from work even if we switch off our computers and leave our desks. We seem to be connected and accessible to everyone all the time because we are home all the time. Carrying on like this the way we have been doing drains our energy and spirit.
What can we do to find our end of day routine again?
I came across this interesting article by Deborah Bright on letting go at the end of the workday published in Harvard Business Review in 2017. You can read it here (https://hbr.org/2017/11/how-to-let-go-at-the-end-of-the-workday). Although the article was written before any of us could have ever imagined that the entire world’s population would end up working from home, there are still useful tips from this article which we can apply today to create clearer boundaries between work and home in our lives.
Her suggested 5 steps of letting go of your work day concerns and “switching off” are:
Do one small task
Finish up one last email, make one final phone call to a client or writing up the last paragraph of your proposal - just do something small that creates a sense of achievement. A small win that will leave you feeling good about yourself. In the context of working from home, we can still practise this and the rewards for your small wins might be to spend 20-minutes playing basketball with your son, tending to the flowers in your garden or just having some quiet time to meditate.
Write a to-do list
I’m not proposing a long to-do list. Just a few items that you need to tend to the next day. Drawing up the list will help put your mind at ease and hopefully, take away the stress of over-thinking what needs to be done the next day. Every time you find yourself worrying about it, just remind yourself that it’s in your list and it can wait until tomorrow.
Straighten up your work area
I hope that by now, you have a designated work space at home which will help in creating that physical boundary between work and home. The act of tidying up your work space also provides you with a sense of accomplishment. Personally, a clean desk gives me comfort as I tend to be a “neat-freak” although my son prefers his “organised chaos”. Do whatever works for you to carry out this symbolic act of wrapping up your work day, keeping it light and fun!
Choose a specific act to symbolize the end of the work day
The author suggested, “Locking your office door, turning off your monitor, or calling home. Consistent use of this designated anchor will enable you to take control of your emotions and shift your mental state, just as if you were clocking out on a timesheet.” What has worked well for me is the powering down of my laptop and storing it away. As I wait for it to shut down, I focus on thinking about spending time with my kids or writing in my gratitude journal later at night. This little exercise helps me “leave” my work space and move into my home space.
Start your evening on a positive note
Think about what you can do to start your after-work hours on a positive note. I know there is a tendency to veg and tune out by scrolling social media posts or watching your favourite shows on Netflix. However, see if you can think of ways to re-connect with family members or reach out to a close friend for a short chat. I look forward to my evenings when I get to spend one-on-one time with each of my 3 children and have a catch-up chat with my husband when he returns from his work place. And yes, we occasionally veg in front of our TV as well!
As the pandemic is gradually being controlled, people are now starting to return to their offices and adapting to changes in their routines again. Whether you are that person or will still continue working from home, an end of day routine that works for you will keep you centred and at peace. If you are struggling to keep clear boundaries between work and home and want support to create defined divisions between the two, reach out to me here to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call to discover how coaching can help you.
“Part of the beauty of remote work is being able to work on a schedule that works best for you, but if you’re online and working at all hours, you’ll start burning out quickly. We’ll need to build clear rules around how technology can be used to help us maintain those boundaries for work-life balance.”
Push or Pull?
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.”
Photo by Meritt Thomas on Unsplash
As you think about the tasks on your to-do list today, which ones excite you and which ones make you feel dread and apprehension? What items on your to-do list have the “pull” factor, the ones that you are eager to get to? Which ones feel heavy, requiring that extra “push” from you to get it off your list?
Here’s my take on some of my tasks that fall within either of these two categories of push and pull:
Reading a 200-page document and producing a 10 page summary from it. Push! Although I have the requisite skills from my legal training to do this, this task doesn’t give me any joy.
Doing the laundry. Push! I know it is something that needs to be done but hey, if I can pay someone else to do it for me, I would!
Helping my daughters with their homework. This needs a bit more thought. On the one hand, it can be a pull for me as I’ll have the opportunity to interact with my daughters. However, it can also be a push especially when their requests for help come at a time when I’m having a busy day.
Writing my blogs. Definitely a pull! I enjoy putting my thoughts on paper (or in this case, on my website) as it is a creative outlet for me and I know I’m sharing value with you, my readers.
Watching a sitcom. Pull, although I know I can use my time more productively but I also need downtime to unwind and laugh.
When you look at the list of things below, how would you categorise them?
Which ones are “push or “pull” for you?
Having your performance review conversation with your manager or if you are the manager, conducting that conversation with your direct report.
Working on a solution to an important project for the company.
Giving a presentation to an audience of 100 people.
Planning your 2-weeks’ vacation and actually taking it!
Cleaning the backyard.
Teaching your son how to drive a car.
Hosting a dinner party.
Visiting your parents and helping them set up their new computer.
Each of us will have different answers to these tasks because we are all wired differently. Some people will be excited about presenting in front of a large audience but there will be others who prefer to visit the dentist for a filling instead of giving that presentation.
Once you have decided that the items on your to-do list are non-negotiables which means that they will need to be carried out today, how do you shift your thinking around those items with the “push” factor to be more appealing to you? What can you do to increase their “pull” towards you?
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash
Let’s take the work-related tasks. Performance review conversations, asking for a salary increment or a promotion, having a dialogue with a difficult co-worker - if these represent a “push” feeling for you, how do you look at them differently?
Consider your purpose and intention behind each task.
What do you want to get out of it? It is definitely more obvious for situations such as asking for a raise or a promotion but ask yourself, what’s the real reason for asking for the raise - is it just the money or is there something more to be considered? What does the raise or promotion signify in your life? Focus on the deeper reason and that will give you the energy needed to look at the tasks differently. If you are clear on why you want the raise, you will be able to articulate your thoughts better and even feel excited to ask for it. As for the performance review conversations and other types of difficult conversations, again, get clear on your reasons for having these conversations. Focus on the desired outcomes and also be clear on what you can or cannot compromise.
Take steps to make it “lighter”.
What small steps can you take to make the situation lighter and more appealing? For most of us, it’s a no-brainer that taking a vacation is a pull for us! However, if you are running your own business or in senior management with huge responsibilities, taking a 2-weeks’ vacation may be a “push” for you. It is hard for you to let go and give yourself a break. Think about the arrangements you can take to delegate your responsibilities, manage expectations of others and reschedule commitments. Once you have done what you can to facilitate your vacation, take your vacation and allow yourself to enjoy, rest and recharge. You deserve it! If your take on household chores is a “push”, think about how you can make these chores more attractive to you. Perhaps, it’s to elicit the help of your spouse and children or if you can afford it, consider outsourcing! If not, break down the chores into manageable chunks and have little celebrations after you’re done such as a nice cup of coffee, a 10-minutes online shopping spree or just talking a short walk in the park. Think of rewards that you will enjoy at the end of the tasks to give you the “pull’ factor.
Acceptance
By acceptance, I don’t mean a resigned acceptance as in a sense of defeat and heaviness. There will be tasks that are difficult. For example, working on a solution for that major project. It is challenging. Accepting this situation means looking at it as it is, objectively and trusting that you will eventually find a way to handle the situation, whether it’s by your own means or relying on others and available resources. The important thing is not to allow your negative emotions overwhelm you. Yes, the undesirable task has to be carried out. What do you need to do to get started? Draw up a specific plan, consider the people who can help you, leverage on your existing skills (or consider upgrading your skills) and identify available resources. Explore the task at hand with curiosity and consider all avenues without shutting them down at the first instance. Again, acknowledge and celebrate your successes along the way!
If you are currently finding a lot more “push”-like tasks in your daily to-do list and want to shift your perspectives in handling them, reach out to me here today!
Schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call to explore how my coaching can help you address your negative thoughts around those difficult tasks and find strategies to better deal with them.
You don’t have to walk this journey alone.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
“ It’s a very slow process - two steps forward, one step back - but I’m inching in the right direction. ”
Image: Getty
How has your first week of 2021 been? Have you taken down all the Christmas decorations? Were there Christmas decorations put up in the first place? I didn’t decorate my home this year. Perhaps, it was due to my busy schedule and on my “down” days, I just wanted to rest and reconnect with my family.
What about emotionally and mentally? Where are you at this week? Did you make any New Year’s resolutions? Did you see any benefits in making resolutions given that all our plans were suspended, shelved and altered last year? Is your current motto “Go with the flow”? We are all fatigued with having our plans put on hold. How can we remain positive and hopeful? What do you need to focus on to find purpose and direction this year? Are you feeling overwhelmed just by reading these questions?
Why do people make New Year’s resolutions? It’s human nature. The start of a new year signifies hope, new beginnings and the opportunity to press the reset and reboot button. We all want to start over on a fresh page and a clean state. Right our wrongs, aspire to be better. It is also difficult to change our habits and create new ones. When we fail to keep our resolutions, we are discouraged and are more inclined to give up than to pick ourselves up from the setbacks and try again.
There will be setbacks and disappointments. This doesn’t mean that we are not progressing towards our goals. Progress as defined in Collins Dictionary is the process of gradually improving or getting nearer to achieving or completing something. Note the word “gradually”. We don’t get from A to B in the speed of light. It’s a journey - a journey that has you taking two steps forward, one step back. However, as long as you are moving towards the direction of your goals, you are making progress.
As you would know from my earlier blog posts that I have a perfectionist trait (I’m working on being more relaxed about this! Work in progress! 😊). This trait shows up a lot when I parent my children especially when I have them do household chores. I have this urge to meddle and intervene to ensure that the chores are carried out my way. My “one big step back” happened several weeks ago when my youngest daughter was tidying up the dining table after dinner and I noticed she missed cleaning a part of the table. I didn’t even stop to think that she will eventually do so as she may not have noticed that part of the table yet. Instead, I “swooped in” and started to clean the table. What happened next will stay in my mind for a long time. Not a word was spoken by her but it was loud and clear in my daughter’s facial expression that I had hurt her. She just walked away, feeling dejected.
Thankfully, there are also many “two steps forward” experiences in my parenting journey. There was an episode when I asked my elder daughter to change the bedsheets in her room. I was busy with work so I didn’t check on her until several hours later. When I opened her room door, I found her amidst the changed sheets, beaming proudly. She said to me in jest, “See, it’s all done! You didn’t even have to come over to nag me to do it!”
The lesson I learnt from these two incidents is that there will be days when I get it all wrong but the main thing is to be kind to myself and recognise that I am progressing to be a better parent. My children are my greatest teachers! The important thing is not to give up on the progress during the times when I stumble, to remember to pick myself up and keep moving forward.
Photo by Erik Witsoe on Unsplash
What can help you retain that forward-momentum mindset to achieve your goals?
Acknowledge and accept that there will be setbacks
There will be days when you make mistakes at work, say something hurtful to your loved ones, fall off the wagon with your diet and exercise routine or resume an old bad habit. The key thing to remember is not to beat yourself up about it but to learn from the setbacks. Use these lessons to get back on track.
P.S. I have since resisted the urge to intervene when my youngest daughter clears the table after dinner. She was surprised when I didn’t meddle that she came up to me one evening to ask if everything was ok! 😉
Celebrate the successes
Most of us have the tendency to be critical when we make mistakes. Let’s have a perspective shift! Look out for the small victories and celebrate them. If your goal is to speak up more at the workplace, recognise your efforts when you say your piece in a meeting, even if it was only two sentences. You can celebrate in a variety of ways. Some like enjoying a hot cup of coffee (I know I do!) or a nice snack. Some like “me-time” or time with their loved ones. Others may find retail therapy or a Netflix binge session rewarding. Find one that really encourages you to celebrate your successes!
Cement the “Why” of your goals
Consider why you made these goals in the first place. What is their importance to you? What would happen when you achieve them? What will it cost you if you didn’t progress? Visualise what it will look like when you have achieved your goals. If it’s to be promoted at work, visualise what that will look like, how it will make you feel and the impact of this outcome on you and your loved ones. If it’s to reach your ideal weight, visualise what you will look like in your new dress or suit. If it’s to have more work life balance, visualise your ideal day 6 months from now. What are the feelings that come up for you when you have these visualisations? Hold on to them, remember them when things get rough and patchy. Some may find journaling their thoughts and feelings from these visualisations useful. Others may prefer just to share their realisations with a trusted family member or friend. Again, find what works best for you to cement your reasons for wanting to achieve these goals.
I’m happy to support you as your coach to help you cement the “Why” of your goals and to keep progressing towards them. Drop me a note here or reach out to me by clicking on any of the social media icons below. By doing so, you’re taking your two steps forward!
Remember to book your complimentary 30-minutes coaching session here. This is my Christmas gift to each of you for an extended period until 30 January 2021.
“Every choice moves us closer to or farther away from something. Where are your choices taking your life?”
Old Habits Die Hard
“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.”
― Samuel Johnson, English poet
We have all heard of the saying “old habits die hard”. It simply means that it is difficult to stop doing things one has been doing for a long time. The habits are ingrained in us.
Mick Jagger even wrote a song with the same title. I like this part of the lyrics:
I act like an addict, I just got to have it
I can never leave it alone …
Old habits die hard
Hard enough to feel the pain Courtesy of https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/12269068/Mick+Jagger/Old+Habits+Die+Hard
Giving up a habit is tough even if you know it is not good for you to carry on doing the things you have been doing. It is painful to stop and even if you succeed, you find yourself going back to your old ways if you are not careful. I recalled that I struggled with giving up drinking coffee during my pregnancies. I knew it was good for me and the baby not to have caffeine in my system. However, I felt like an addict. I even had headaches and mild anxiety attacks as withdrawal symptoms when I stopped drinking coffee. Did I persist in refraining from drinking coffee? Yes, painful as it was, I reminded myself of the larger purpose - what would it cost me and the baby if I carried on drinking 2 to 3 cups of coffee a day? With that purpose and focus in mind, I stopped drinking coffee.
Of course, I am back to being an avid coffee drinker now as I no longer have a purpose mandating the change. A change or break from our habits require focus, determination and quite likely, another new habit to replace the old one. I know that replacing eating cookies with low fat yoghurt may not be exciting or enticing enough (my kids can vouch for this!) but it’s a good first step in the right direction. If you go cold turkey i.e. stop the old habit immediately without a substitute, you will find yourself feeling very empty which will make it more difficult for you to sustain resisting the old habit.
You would think the expected solution for my coffee-drinking habit is to drink decaffeinated coffee instead. That didn’t work for me. Drinking decaf coffee just reinforced how much I enjoyed drinking coffee and made me miss it even more. I decided to switch to tea. Although I enjoyed drinking tea on certain occasions, it was quite an adjustment for me to have a cup of tea first thing in the morning when my usual go-to drink was coffee. However, with time and intentionally reminding myself to savour the moments while I was drinking tea, I managed to break my habit of drinking coffee.
I’m back to it now as I don’t have a higher purpose to stop drinking coffee. However, I now take my coffee without sugar and only with low fat milk so I’m taking steps in the right direction to good health.
“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.”
– John C. Maxwell, American author
It is overwhelming to think of stopping an old habit as it has already become a part of you. The key thing to remember is to make small manageable changes in your routine. Once these changes become second nature to you, it will be easier for you to move on to make bigger changes.
It is also helpful to have implementation intentions when you are working on putting a new habit in place. This tool was created by Noel Lyons MSc (http://www.WellCoach.co.uk).
Implementation intentions are “if-then” plans. Forming an implementation intention will help you actually carry out the behaviour you intend.
Think about your intention of starting this new habit. Why do you want to do it? What is your larger purpose? What would it cost you if you didn’t replace your old habit with this new one?
The planning stage (‘if-then” scenarios). Think of possible scenarios of how you will act in relation to your new habit when something happens to prevent you from sticking with it - “If X happens, then I will do Y".” X can be a time, place or event. Y is the specific action that you will take whenever X occurs.
If I eat a chocolate bar instead of a healthy snack, I will run on the spot for 10 minutes after reaching home from work.
If I sleep late again, I will turn off all my devices by 8pm and turn in by 10pm.
If I binge-watch shows on Netflix, I will spend an extra hour working on my project/assignment the next day.
If I have to work late today and I don’t have time to go to the gym, then I’ll wake up 30 min earlier tomorrow and go for a run before breakfast.
Go ahead and implement the “if-then” plans that you have created. Evaluate their effectiveness in keeping you committed to your new habit. Change and adjust these plans to improve your commitment. See it as a learning journey and not a failure if you didn’t manage to do your “Y” when the “X” occurs. Remember that it takes time for your brain to rewire itself and for you to take on a new unfamiliar path.
Do reach out to me here if you want to have a deeper discussion on cultivating new habits and getting rid of old ones that are holding you back in living a fulfilling life.
I am also holding a group coaching session to help you create your unique resilience plan on 30 October 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). Reserve your place here!