Empty Cup
“And all of a sudden, I felt really tired. Like the world has drained me from everything that I had.”
This quote resonated with me. I came across it when I was searching for quotes for this blog post. I am tired, really tired. The family events of the past two month alone are exhausting with both my father-in-law’s and middle daughter’s health conditions. Going to hospitals seemed to be the “go-to” place for our family these past few weeks. On top of that, I am continually building my business, coaching clients and speaking with people on a daily basis and running my household, ensuring the wheels of the home and family keep turning and nothing drops!
I had a particularly busy day yesterday with coaching sessions and all 3 kids were also home as they didn’t have to go to school yesterday. I snapped at my youngest daughter who asked me to practise her English presentation speech with her as I was short on time in-between coaching sessions. I felt really low. I took out my frustrations on my daughter who really loves and adores me.
Ironically, this incident reminded me of one of my earliest blog posts in April 2020 when I first started my business - I wrote about not neglecting our self-care as if we just keep giving and giving, something will give and we’re not to let that “something” be us.
“We need to deprogram ourselves. I know for sure that you can’t give what you don’t have. If you allow yourself to be depleted to the point where your emotional and spiritual tank is empty and you’re running on fumes of habit, everybody loses. Especially you.”
- Oprah Winfrey
Yes, that is so true. Everybody loses when we are running on empty. I wasn’t a very nice Mum to be around with yesterday. So, what lessons did I learn from yesterday?
Identify my triggers
I had physical signs that I was too stretched and overwhelmed. I had a lot of things on my mind as there were several hospital visits and appointments to keep this week and I also wanted to be there to support my youngest daughter in her rope skipping tournament. I also had several coaching and facilitation commitments that needed to be worked around and rescheduled. My breathing became faster, my left shoulder felt very tense and started to ache. Instead of pausing and closing my laptop to take a breather, I carried on. That was when I snapped at my daughter when she came into the study to look for me. I had just finished one coaching session and had about 20 minutes before my next session. On a good day, I would have welcomed her with open arms. As I was running on empty, I was annoyed and frustrated.
I should have taken heed of my physical signs of stress and exhaustion and taken a break instead of carrying on. I often coach my clients to identify their physical triggers of stress and anxiety and here I am, ignoring these good practices.
I apologised to my daughter shortly after my outburst at her. It was such a surprise that she waited for my 3rd coaching session to end, quietly came into the room and gave me a big hug, saying, “Don’t be stressed, Mummy. It will all work out. Trust God and pray about everything.”
I was so moved. My daughter’s words reminded me of what I knew all along. To focus on the bigger picture and to quote the late Richard Carlson, “Don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff.”
Do you know what your physical triggers are when you are stressed, frustrated or anxious? Contemplate how these physical cues can prevent you from being hijacked by your negative emotions. Take time to listen to your body. You won’t regret it! I know I am going to be more intentional and listen to mine more!
Ask for help
Don’t wait until you are running on empty before you ask for help. My husband is always reminding that I do not need to hold the fort all by myself and to get our kids to pitch in and help me. I asked for help yesterday when I realised that I couldn’t push through the rest of the day. All 3 of them willingly pitched in. My son and my youngest daughter cooked dinner together while my middle daughter did the laundry and tidied up. They gave me some time to retire earlier last night which was exactly what I needed.
How often do we hold ourselves back from asking for help? We often think that it is a reflection of our weakness if we have to ask others for help. How about seeing it from another perspective? When we ask for help, we are showing the other person that we appreciate them and trust them. We want them to be a part of our lives. By asking my kids to help me, I’m showing them that we are a family and we are to help one another.
At the workplace, we often feel that we need to put our best foot forward and asking for help would show that we are not as competent or skilled as we say we are. Is this really true? By asking for help, we foster collaboration and enable greater ideas and solutions given the collective wisdom of working together.
Think about your upcoming days and weeks - how can you incorporate asking for support and help more in your work and life? What changes do you hope to see if you do so?
Pause
It is perfectly fine to pause and stop. This is something I know and do as a coach, to stop and reflect on the situation and to see what I can learn from it for my own growth. That is why I am stopping today (or rather slowing down and having fewer coaching sessions today) to reflect on my lessons learnt from yesterday. Writing is therapeutic for me and also serves as my “me-time” for me to recharge and be refreshed.
I often fool myself into thinking if I just keep going, I’m being productive and doing more means growing my business faster. On the contrary, I end up being exhausted and demoralised. Going faster and not stopping does not mean growth. We have to pause and reflect and realign ourselves with our purpose in life.
Do you find that you’re too busy to pause? What do you think will change for the better if you pause?
“There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.”
- Alan Cohen, author
Are you doing both sufficiently or is there an area that is overlooked?
Smell the Oranges
“If you don’t stop to smell the roses every once in a while, you will eventually become a thorn in your own side.”
Stop and smell the roses, or in my recent experience, smell the oranges! My youngest daughter took pains to carefully peel 2 mandarin oranges and lovingly arranged them on a plate as seen in the photo. She brought them to me during a busy work afternoon to share the oranges with me. She knew I was working hard and thought I needed a break. When I saw the slices of mandarin oranges beautifully arranged by my daughter, my heart melted and I immediately stopped looking at the document in my laptop. We then had a nice 20 minutes just eating the oranges and talking about how our respective mornings went. It was a beautiful moment of connection and bonding between me and my daughter. It happened because she noticed that I needed a “pick-me-up” and acted on it by following her heart. It happened because I made a conscious decision to stop what I was doing and slowed down to focus all my attention on her. She even asked me if I was going to use the photo for one of my blog posts and my answer was a definite “yes”!
So, here we are…
How busy is your life today? What is your immediate response if there is an interruption in the middle of your busy day? Do you welcome it if it comes from someone you love and hold close to your heart? Are you easily irritated or annoyed by that interruption? Do you have a long to-do list which seems to grow by the day? Do you feel like a hamster running on a wheel, unable to step off it for the fear that everything will fall apart if you do?
A friend shared the other day that when she is not feeling good in herself i.e., not at peace within herself, the smallest challenges or issues can blow up into unmanageable problems. However, when she is feeling that she is in a good place, mentally, emotionally and physically, these same challenges are actually very manageable. She is able to see the solutions and take the necessary steps towards them. If she is not in a good place, she feels trapped in her head and can’t really see any breakthrough in her circumstances.
We then talked about self-care. She has been feeling stressed and stretched lately with responsibilities and commitments at home and at work. She candidly said that she couldn’t recall the last time she spent any time doing something she enjoyed by herself.
What is self-care?
I came across this article published in PsychCentral titled “What Self-Care is — and What It Isn’t” written by Raphailia Michael and medically reviewed by the Scientific Advisory Board, where she defined self-care as “any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health”. It’s also important to know what self-care is not. It is not a selfish act. It is not something forced although we have to make it a point to do it e.g., like scheduling self-care time in our busy schedules and committing to keep our self-care “appointments”. Not to move them around if we have other more pressing things to tend to. If we don’t look after ourselves, who will?
“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
Photo by Heidi Kaden on Unsplash
Have you done anything recently that rejuvenates you? Have you actively sought to recharge your batteries? Do you have something that you look forward to on a daily basis? How do you feel after you have tended to yourself? Are there lingering feelings of guilt? Do you feel that self-care is a luxury and that there has been too much hype around it?
The benefits of self-care can be divided into 3 categories:
Physical - by committing to look after your body and tending to its needs, you will become healthier. This would include regular exercise, sufficient sleep and listening to your body especially when you feel tension or pain.
Mental - by recognising that you have negative thoughts but choosing not to let those thoughts overwhelm you. Have a healthy outlook in life and look for opportunities for self-improvement and personal growth. Invest in your mental development, both personally and professionally.
Emotional - by committing to accept that emotions do not form who you are. They are just emotions, feelings and again, you have a choice not to succumb to the emotions. Make time for relaxing activities to soothe the mind and body.
For me, simple things like a cup of coffee when the house is quiet in the morning starts my day on a calm, peaceful note. Writing provides me with an outlet to process my thoughts and emotions and it also gives me great joy. I enjoy exercising with my children and we have a lot of fun while we’re at it. I write in my journal every night before bedtime. Over the weekends, I watch comedies or movies with my husband. Yes, these are small simple things and yet, I know that something is not quite right when I don’t do them.
Have you considered how you’re doing with your own self-care routine? Drop me a note here if you want to take a self-care quiz to find out the current level of your self-care. If you would like to explore how coaching can help you achieve a better balance in your life, book a free 30-minutes call with me to find out more.
“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.”
Something's got to give...
What comes to your mind when you read this quote? Do you feel that your life is unravelling around you during this period of uncertainty and anxiety? Is your life orderly and organised but yet, there is something in the background that doesn’t feel quite right?
Are you coping well with the circumstances in your life? Are you thriving or surviving?
I recently attended a webinar organised by the International Coaching Federation Chapter here in Singapore on Stress Management during Uncertainty. One of my key takeaways from the webinar was that it is perfectly fine to not keep pushing yourself to be on top of everything at all times. We all seem to be under pressure, derived internally and externally, to become better versions of ourselves during this “stay-at-home” period. We are telling ourselves now is the time to pick up a new skill or hobby, work even harder, take on new projects, be a better parent, nurture relationships with loved ones, cultivate enriching activities to keep our children occupied, take care of our elderly parents, reach out to people in need… the list goes on and on. I’m not saying that these aspirations are not healthy nor are they to be avoided. However, ask yourself… if you take all this on and more without really looking after yourself, what will happen to you as a person?
Photo by Kalen Emsley on Unsplash
Are you taking care of yourself? I know “self-care” and “be kind to yourself” are the buzz words that we share on social media and in our conversations during this period. I know that your “to-do” list is probably overwhelming now and I hear you saying, “What? You want me to add another thing to my list?”
Being kind to yourself doesn’t have to be a chore or another added responsibility. Just take some time to think about the things that make you happy and the activities that bring a smile on your face. They do not have to be anything extravagant and given the fact that we all cannot leave our homes now, the simpler your ideas, the better! For me personally, I love just having my coffee in the quiet of the morning before everyone wakes up. I also enjoy writing in my gratitude journal each night as this exercise allows me to reflect on the many blessings that occur each day and just be grateful to be alive.
What are some of your ideas for taking care of yourself? I would love to hear them! If you are struggling to cope or to carve out time to be kind to yourself, don’t hesitate to contact me and I’ll be more than happy to provide you with a complimentary self-care quiz to encourage you to start thinking about this. You’re not alone! We are all in this together. I’m here to offer you support! “Something’s got to give. Don’t let it be you.”