I have a Dream
“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them”
Both my daughters were bitten by the baking bug last year when all of us were locked down at home. Baking gave them joy. They spent time looking up recipes for cakes, biscuits and macaroons online and planned what they wanted to bake each weekend. They both decided that they want to be bakers and open their own bakery when they grow up. They also assured me that when they run their own business, they will have the flexibility of time to look after their father and I when we are old and unable to care for ourselves! We will also never be without nice smelling cakes and tasty muffins for our tea time! I love how my girls think!
One of the common themes in the topics that my clients bring into our coaching sessions is their exploration of their dreams and passions. They have been putting them off because they feel it’s not the right time in their lives to pursue them, that their dreams are frivolous - a whim and fancy. However, they can’t really shake them off and there is always this nagging feeling of “What if I followed my dreams? Where would I be now?”
What's your dream? Want to give your vision a jumpstart? Let’s start with putting some thought to these questions:
What is your highest priority in this phase of your life?
What is most important for you to experience, explore or embrace at this time? Until you answer this question, your life goals will be off purpose. Unaligned with your inner passion and values, you will feel imbalanced and unsatisfied with where your life is at right now.
Consider what makes you joyful. What activities did you enjoy as a child? What are your hobbies now? When your goals are aligned with what makes you joyful and which resonates with your core values, synchronicity will kick in to open up opportunities for you as your mind is more receptive to these opportunities.
I also often ask my clients to think about their higher purpose. What is the legacy that they want to leave behind? I believe we do not live in isolation and what we do now will have a ripple effect, be it positive or negative, to all those around us.
How do you want to be remembered?
Is this your dream, or someone else's?
My daughters came up with the idea of wanting to be bakers when they grow up. I know it’s definitely their dream without any influence from me as I am definitely not a talented baker! My youngest daughter told me the other day that she can’t picture herself as a coach and asked if I would be disappointed if she didn’t follow in my footsteps. Of course, I assured her that it’s perfectly fine not to follow the profession of her parents and to discover for herself what she is truly called to be when she is older.
Are your goals your own choice, or what others think you should strive for? Do you want to look back years later and wish you had followed your passion? Will you regret having "played it safe?"
Is it selfish to go after your own dream? What joy can you give to others if you haven't given it to yourself first?
“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams”
- John Barrymore, American actor
Are you settling for less than?
Are you resigned to accepting less than your full share of love, health and success this lifetime? Have you compromised and sacrificed your dream? The reality is that anything short of living your true passions will never make you happy. I know it’s not easy to take that first step to pursue your dreams. It definitely wasn’t easy for me when I made that transition from being a lawyer to a life coach. What helped me stay the course is my belief of its purpose in this phase of my life. The focus of my purpose as a life coach is my compass.
What is your compass?
What will you feel like when you reach your dream?
Personal passion fuels a vision. Dive into the thrill and exhilaration of the feeling of living your dream. There is an old Hawaiian saying, "Where your creative attention is, so flows your life." Again, I know this is not easy. We all have obligations and commitments - “grown-up stuff”. We also often want to or are pressured to live up to the expectations of others. However, when I dig deep and reflect on how I impact my clients’ lives through coaching, I feel this sense of peace and fulfilment. That conviction assures me that I’m on the right track of pursuing my dreams.
What steps can you take today toward your dream?
Don't defer your dream. I’m a practical planner and I often see the pitfalls and worst-case scenarios in any situation, probably a skilled honed during my legal career. When I first started planning the setting up of my coaching business 2 years ago and gearing up for its launch last April, I had my fears and doubts. I’m grateful that I had great support from my family and friends.
So, set up your supports and systems around you to take that first step in materialising your dreams. Ask for help. I believe it is a sign of strength than weakness when we ask for help as we are aware that we can’t do it alone. Be open to every opportunity that presents itself. Explore with curiosity and just take that first step.
Are you telling yourself, "I can't have my dream?"
Most people don't believe they can live their dream. Either their belief system has them believing they can't make a living doing what they love, or they feel they don't deserve their dream. To avoid the pain of feeling they can't have their dream, people often keep their dream so buried they can't remember they ever had a dream.
I felt exactly that. The idea of starting a second career in my late 40s is scary. I have responsibilities and obligations to my family. However, when I tried to bury my dream to be a coach, the feeling of something’s missing and something’s not quite right in my life kept coming up until I couldn’t push it aside anymore.
Looking back at my journey, I realised that I would have spared myself a lot of that inner struggle if I just stepped into taking those first few steps towards my passion. Things fell into place as I followed my dream. I believe the same can happen for you.
Do you have that “something is missing or not quite right in my life” feeling now? Let me walk with you in your journey to rediscover and rekindle your dream and to make it a reality. Reach out to me here for a complimentary 30-minutes coaching call to begin your journey.
“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”
P.S. If you haven’t signed up to the Amplify DEI Summit, running from 27th - 29th September (I’ll speaking on the 28th!), hop on over here to get your Early Bird ticket.
You will have an amazing time learning from over 70 international speakers!
Cut From The Same Cloth
“If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn’t thinking.”
Photo by Erol Ahmed on Unsplash
People often say that my middle daughter and I are cut from the same cloth. She looks a lot like me. Sometimes, people refer to her as a “mini-Jenny”. However, we are very different on the inside. The events from last week really drove this point on our differences home to me. It was another busy week for me with coaching engagements with some in the evenings and nights due to the time zone differences of my clients. I am a planner by nature so I like to know my schedule in advance and don’t like things done at the very last minute. My daughter, on the other hand, is a more easy-going, “do as it happens”- type of person. She is also a dreamer and tends to forget certain deadlines for her homework. Several times last week, she came to me at the eleventh hour to ask for help on certain parts of her homework. The timing wasn’t ideal as I had my coaching calls within the hour. I ended up being frustrated with her. I stressed on the importance of planning and preparation and told her off for procrastination and not paying careful attention to her teachers’ instructions provided to her at school.
She ended up being upset and stressed. She felt that she had disappointed me. I was frustrated and angry because I felt that if she had asked for my help earlier, we could have prevented the mad rush at the last minute when it was close to her bedtime and my calls.
‘Why can’t she be more of a planner like me?”
That thought kept coming into my mind. Then, another thought hit me. “She is not you.” Yes, she is my daughter and yes, she looks like she is cut from the same cloth as me but the reality is she is not me. We are different.
I pondered on how I can be a better parent to her, one who is more patient and tolerant. There are no easy answers but here are my thoughts, loosely tied up in the acronym “A.C.T.”
“Have a big enough heart to love unconditionally, and a broad enough mind to embrace the differences that make each of us unique.”
-D.B. Harrop, American author
ACCEPT
We all know that as parents, we are to love and accept our children unconditionally. That being said, we are still human. I love my daughter very much. I would do anything for her. However, when our differences clash and create tension between us, it’s so easy to fly off the handle. I now remind myself to consciously and proactively accept her traits as a part of who she is as a person. She’s a dreamer and works at her own pace. I know she is also very conscientious and, in some ways, a perfectionist like me too. She doesn’t intentionally procrastinate. It’s just that she works at a different pace than I would, if I were in her shoes. So, I now put myself in her shoes and see situations from her perspective.
CREATE
By seeing things from her perspective, I am better able to create an environment where she can flourish and where I can better support her. Although she is not a planner, I help her plan in that I provide her with an overview of how the rest of my day would look like and let her know which pockets of time I have available for her. It is then her responsibility to come to me for help during those times. I have also set aside time for a check-in for both of us before her bedtime to connect and to reflect on our respective days. By being intentional and protecting this time, I don’t feel stressed and hurried and she feels loved, acknowledged and understood.
TALK
We use this time to talk about our differences as well. I explained how I feel when things happen to interrupt my plans just to help her see things from my perspective. She has shared about how she would prefer to relax first before tackling her homework as she has had a long day at school. We talk about ways for her to have better focus in class and how to take better notes. We also talk about her worries and concerns and what she can do when these thoughts occur. By the end of our conversations, we feel closer to each other as we had connected at a deeper level.
“A great relationship is about two things, first, find out the similarities and second, respect the differences.”
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Are you having a difficult relationship with a person who is very different from you? Is this person your spouse, your child, a family member, a friend, your boss or colleague at work? Consider experimenting with A.C.T to see if you can improve your relationship with this person. Start with accepting this person for who he/she is and work towards understanding your similarities and appreciating the differences between both of you. With that understanding, create an environment that will foster better communication and collaboration. Where possible, talk about your differences and find a middle ground that works for both of you.
If you want to have a deeper discussion with me on this topic, please reach out to me here and schedule a 30-minutes complimentary coaching session. It’s all about taking that first step to greater awareness!
“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognise, accept and celebrate those differences”
-Audre Lorde, American writer
Growth Spurt
“Whatever makes you uncomfortable is your biggest opportunity for growth.”
For those of you who have been seeing my posts on social media, you will know that I have been appearing as a podcast guest on several podcasts. It’s a great way for me to share my message as an introvert. I just need to do the recordings with the podcast hosts and most times, it’s like a casual one-to-one conversation. My message is heard by the show’s listeners. It’s a perfect growth area for me as an introvert! However, last year, when one of my clients suggested to me about doing a podcast, I cringed. I told her that I am more of a “words” person, that I love writing and am very uncomfortable to hear my voice or even see my face out there on video! Fast forward to today, I’m speaking on podcasts and yes, some of them have posted my interview videos on their YouTube channels. My kids find the idea of me being on YouTube hilarious since they can’t imagine Mum being out there!
It is not easy putting yourself in a place of discomfort, moving outside your comfort zone. What has been your experience on your growth as a person, whether professionally or personally? What has been your greatest challenge in this area? Are you growing? Do you want to grow? “Low, grouchy, fed-up and bored” - are these words in your current vocabulary that aptly describes how you are feeling right now? It is perfectly fine to feel this way as we all have our off-days.
However, what happens when you get a whole string of those off-days, maybe lasting weeks, months or even years? Too many of us say that we’re in a rut, feel stuck, fed-up, or bored and admit that we don’t want things to be that way, but we don’t know what to do to change. That’s the problem, when you’re in a rut, you don’t have the energy or motivation to change things for the better, and it may be tough to find the insight or resources you need to take that step out and start growing.
“Everything will work out exactly how and when it is supposed to, regardless of how and when you may want it to. Let your faith in the journey be stronger than your doubts and fears. Be patient with yourself and your growth, knowing that good things always take time. Give yourself time and space to try things and explore different paths. You will get there one day so don’t forget to enjoy the journey too.
- Nikki Banas, American author
Experiment with these perspectives to see if they increase your inclination and motivation towards growth:
Do Something Differently
Life tends to run smoothly when we establish systems and routines for things, but the problem comes when things run too smoothly and we become blinded to any ideas or choices that sit outside of our routine. All the stuff we do every day becomes the norm, running on auto-pilot, and it becomes our whole world.
Start with making one or two simple changes to your day - be it at breakfast time, your daily work routines or what you would do to wind down in the evenings. Don’t worry about what the changes are or whether they’re right or wrong, just implement a few simple choices and see how they feel.
Doing something differently or changing parts of your routine, instantly takes you out of the norm and allows you to shake off the things that make you feel confined. Step out of your routine and you’ll be in a position where you’re able to make different choices, see things differently and get a different result.
Use your Intuition
Your intuition is a powerful ally, and we all have it even though you might not recognize it. Intuition is the ability to acquire knowledge without recourse to conscious reasoning.
One of the best friends you'll ever have in life is your intuition, and tuning into it and learning to trust it is something that can have some truly remarkable effects. Accessing your intuition is a bit like working and developing a muscle, but unfortunately it can be harder to locate than a bicep or quadricep, which tend to stay in the same place.
Here are some quick tips for accessing and trusting it:
Practice maintaining a curious and non-judgmental attitude. This is the most fertile ground to tap into your intuition. Look at things and situations that you are familiar with curiosity, as though you’re an investigator or explorer seeing it for the first time.
Practice making wild guesses in your everyday life. Guess what a salesperson's name is, what a new person or place will look like or who's calling on the phone. Don't worry about getting it wrong, you're just working that muscle.
Try a few simple observation exercises in your daily life. Whether you're in a restaurant, on a train, in a bar, or out shopping, practice noticing non-verbal behaviour in others. Look for shifts in posture, eye movements, vocal tone or tempo, etc. Guess how they're feeling or what they're talking about.
These exercises also help you stay in the present moment and allow you to appreciate the current events as they unfold before you rather than mulling about the past or trying hard to work out your plans for the future.
Commit to Learning Something New Daily
It doesn’t have to be something big. You don’t have to sign up for a diploma or take on a masters program (but if you are keen to do so, by all means, go ahead!). I’m encouraging you to see the learning opportunities that each day presents. For example, I was watching a YouTube video with my daughters the other day and learnt how to make a dragonfly using a piece of string. It was challenging at first (the video showed us that it could be done in 5 minutes! but I took 20 minutes to complete it) but we were all thrilled when I completed it. It gave us the motivation to learn more craft skills using string! You could explore learning a new word each day. Perhaps, it can be completing your learning and development modules assigned to you at work. Instead of looking at it as a mandatory task which must be done, adopt the approach of wanting to do it and seeing the possible benefits that it gives you. Remember to have fun as you commit to learning and growing!
I would love to hear your experiences on exploring these ways to stimulate your motivation towards growth. If you feel that you want more support in this area, please reach out to me here to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call to see how I can work with you towards your growth!
“The goal is not to change who you are but to become more of who you are at your best.” – Sally Hogshead, American author
Feeling Stuck? Change Your Focus
“Outstanding people have one thing in common: an absolute sense of mission.”
- Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker
I noticed that when I am attempting something new, especially in my coaching business, I often hesitate. I’m the type of person who wants to know exactly what’s in store for me - the outcome of my efforts before I take the plunge. Of course, I know that’s not possible and yet, I hesitate. At times, my hesitation ends up being a block to me and I am stuck with all these thoughts of uncertainties in my head. I don’t move forward.
Have you experienced this before? We work, we struggle, we try to do everything we possibly can to move forward in our plans but it seems like the harder we work, the more stuck we get.
What can you do to get unstuck?
What has worked for me is to switch my focus from the person in the mirror to the person I want to connect/encourage or impact. I realised when I am working on something new or doing a difficult task in my business, if I keep my focus on what I want out of it, I seemed to find more faults. I am critical. I am easily discouraged. However, when I think about how my work will benefit my clients, I feel energised and excited to see it through, despite the uncertainties.
I am not disputing the fact that it is important to take care of our interests. We need to set goals, lay out plans and then do those things we need to do so that we can make some progress toward our goals. For example, we need to demonstrate personal financial responsibility and plan for our children’s education and our retirement as well as cater for those rainy days.
However, what frequently happens is that we become so over-focused on ourselves and our own personal well-being that we wind up building huge walls to protect ourselves and our interests. We lose the ability – or even desire – to see the bigger picture and the possibilities that life presents to us. We become so focused on “me” that we sometimes begin scrutinizing even the most insignificant events to determine their potential impact on our personal lives. We become victims to ourselves. We often become so busy being busy that we lose track of where we thought we wanted our lives to wind up in the first place.
One possible solution as I mentioned earlier is to change our focus from “me” to “others”. From being the receiver to being the giver. And no, I’m not implying that this shift in perspective requires major changes in the things we do every day. It may eventually lead to that but it’s not a critical part of the initial process.
No matter what you do to earn a living or keep the household moving in a logical direction, somewhere down the line, a person will benefit from what you do. Think about it. The work we do is not just to stuff computer systems full of information or help machines work better. It’s not just to bring home our salary at the end of the month. It’s not just filling out forms, nailing pieces of boards together, assembling electronic devices, hauling packages, going to meetings and the list goes on. Somewhere, sometime, perhaps sooner than you realise, another human being will likely be positively affected by what you do.
Take a few minutes to really think about the people – the individuals who will be better off, healthier or happier because of what you do. Think about how you are giving of your time and talents so that others will benefit in some way from your efforts.
When we change our focus from “me” to “others”, our work – the things we do every day – starts taking on a new significance. We are now a giver. Our life starts becoming more meaningful. We start to realise that what we do is important to someone else, that we are making a difference for that person.
“If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.”
- Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop
Are you up to give this experiment a go? The next time you’re stuck or feeling a block in a particular task, plan or goal, instead of focusing on what you want to get out of it, think about how it will create a positive impact for a particular person. See if that ignites your creative and problem-solving sparks!
If this little experiment does not bear any positive results for you and you are still feeling stuck, please reach out to me by contacting me here to explore how I can support you.
"Each person holds so much power within themselves that needs to be let out. Sometimes they just need a little nudge, a little direction, a little support, a little coaching, and the greatest things can happen."
- Pete Carroll, American football coach
Stress Busters
“Breath is the power behind all things...I breathe in and know that good things will happen.”
My peer coach and I recently discussed the importance of understanding the words we use. For example, when we were both talking about stress, we discovered that the word “stress” meant very different things to each of us. For me, being stressed meant that I felt overwhelmed with too many obligations pulling me in different directions all at once. For her, stress meant not knowing what lies ahead. The uncertainty of the unknown brings up the feeling of stress in her.
When you think of stress, what does it mean for you?
An excerpt from the definition of stress from the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary is “the overpowering pressure of some adverse force or influence”. When you are stressed, do you feel overpowered, unable to think properly or manage your emotions well? Do you feel overwhelmed like me?
Stress often manifests in us when we carry over yesterday’s concerns into our “todays”. An accumulation of this act of carrying over will almost always end up creating a high stress level situation for us. What can we do to let go of our stressful feelings and not let them overshadow our untainted present moments?
“Every day brings a choice:
To practise stress or to practise peace.”
– Joan Borysenko, American actress
Stress Busting Tip #1
Slowing down and being mindful of my breathing has always calmed me.
Experiment with this simple practice of taking deep breaths.
Resolve right now to release every thought from yesterday and be only mindful of the now…. this thought only...this breath...this moment. Take in three very deep breaths and slowly release each one.
At the same time, feel each and every concern, each and every problem, and each and every unresolved moment, begin to dissolve. You can deal with them at a later time. For now, you are only to be in this very moment.
Now go to your inner quiet place. Go deep inside to a place where you feel that you are at peace and then just relax and breathe in deeply and enjoy the feeling of being at one and at peace within yourself.
Use this special time and place to be calm. Free your mind and body of all worry, all regret, all disappointment, all anger and grief. Just enjoy this moment.
Stress Busting Tip #2
Next, think of one particular act, such as rocking your baby, taking a quick stroll, tending to your garden or listening to your favourite song. Commit to yourself to do that one simple thing every day. For me, it’s enjoying my morning coffee in the quiet of the morning when everyone is still asleep.
Practice this act of quiet and calm each day and you will see that you will regain your mental focus and inner peace. At the first sign of being stressed, recollect your feelings when you were doing this one simple thing that nourished you. Pause and take those deep breaths. Remember that if you don’t look after yourself, you will not be able to look after anyone else.
Stress Busting Tip #3
The very best thing that you can do for yourself is to eat, drink and rest – to your physical and mental health!
Stress is easily brought on by not eating and drinking properly. When you don’t get the number of hours of sleep that you need each night, you are only setting yourself up for additional stress.
Limit the amount of salt, sugar, caffeine and alcohol in your diet. [I limit my coffee intake to twice a day and am working to reduce it further.] Drink plenty of water each day and do at least some moderate exercises each day.
Apart from physical nourishment and rest, remember to nourish your soul too. Find moments of laughter in your day. It is food for the soul! I play with my daughters and we laugh a lot during our times together.
It all stems from your understanding of a balanced life. What does that look like to you? Is it to have more time at home with the family? Is it to pursue the next advancement in your career? Is it to volunteer more to help your community? Is it to have more time for yourself? Regardless of how you define your balanced life, it is important to remember that in every situation, you have a choice. The choices may be obvious in some circumstances and unseen in others but they are always there. Once you are aware that you have choices, you do not feel as helpless as before.
When you are living a balanced life and find fulfilment and contentment in your “todays”, the daily stresses will pale in comparison. Identify the particular stressors in your life. See if you can do anything to change the circumstances. If you cannot do so, what can you change or shift in your thoughts about the situation? Resilience comes from re-evaluating a situation from a positive angle rather than focusing on the negative aspects of it. Focus on what you can change and start taking small steps to implement those changes, even if it means just starting to look at your situation from a different perspective.
If you are having difficulties dealing with the stresses in your life and feel alone in your circumstances, accept my invitation to join my group coaching intake this month where a small group of 4 to 5 individuals will meet fortnightly to receive coaching on improving their resilience towards their daily stressors. Find support and encouragement from me and from your peers. To take up this offer, please book a complimentary 30-minutes call with me to find out more.
“Adversity is a call to action, and your freedom lies in taking the first step. Don't worry about the entire staircase, just take one step, and then tomorrow take another.”
– Kris Carr, American author
The Early Bird vs. The Night Owl
“When I wake up, I am reborn.”
My husband and I have been staying up late on Friday and weekend nights watching television. It’s our way to unwind after our respective busy work days. Our late nights have made me think about the impact of sleeping late and waking up late as well. I know the importance of sleep has been researched, discussed and expounded extensively over the years. I just want to touch on the aspect of sleep from the perspective of “birds”, namely the early bird and the night owl. There are those who are capable of rising with the birds, and others who rather be known as the “night-owl”. These people are distinguished with two different names because they function best at different times of the day.
If you’re a morning bird, you’ll always be awake in the morning to coo when the light comes from the east, but you’ll be dead asleep as the west consumes that light. An owl will never coo at sunrise because they’re always too busy sleeping. They don’t cherish the sun because it interrupts their slumber.
I’m more of a morning person and I enjoy the quiet of the morning when everyone else is asleep. It gives me this sense of peace and anticipation for what lies ahead in a fresh new day. My youngest daughter shares this trait with me whereas my husband, my son and my elder daughter are all more of night owls.
Seeing an early bird rise will annoy the owl as it tucks its feathers tightly over its beak. When the early bird watches the owl sway hypnotically in their sleep, they’ll always feel frustration and angst towards the owl since they’ll never be awake in the morning with everyone else. I can empathise with the early bird as I have felt frustrated when I wanted everyone else to be up to start their day and get things done.
The reality at the end of the day is that humans aren’t owls. We can’t be nocturnal creatures because that’s not how we were made to be. To live a healthy life, we need to embrace the early start of our days.
“If you want to be the best, you can’t take the path of least resistance. Every morning, you wake up, and your mind tells you it’s too early, and your body tells you you’re a little too sore, but you’ve got to look deep within yourself and know what you want and what you’re striving for”
― Antonio Brown, American football player
What are some of the ways that we can implement in our daily routines to enable us to wake up early? The quote above by Antonio Brown serves as a reminder to know our reason for wanting to wake up early. Once we know why we want to do so, we are better able to stay focused and committed to our early rising routines
Sleeping Material
Is your bed comfortable? You may have had it for a long time. And yes, that evidently makes the bed a familiar feeling but in truth, is it comfortable? Also look at the pillow type you have. There are definitely different pillow types since everyone sleeps in a different position. Some people sleep upright just like any proper princess would, others tend to sleep on their sides. Some people even admittedly, sleep with their face inside the pillow. There’s a specific pillow for all these sleeping positions including ergonomic neck pillows and stiff pillows for strained necks. Once you experience good sound sleep, you’ll feel more rested and refreshed with each awakening, creating a positive cycle to awake early day after day.
Sleeping Earlier
Always keep this in mind. The math behind waking up early comes from a nice long night of sleep that started early. You must give up late nights in order to wake up feeling fresh and productive. This doesn’t mean that my husband and I have to cease watching our favourite tv shows but we will have to be disciplined to watch only selective shows and turn in at a designated time every night. Phones, computers and tablets shouldn’t be near you to tempt you when you try to go to sleep. A dark or dimly lit room with no blue lights to keep you up should be where you sleep.
Use Sunlight To Wake Up
The light around you is very important. It is important to let natural light into your room. As soon as you can after you wake up, head out for some natural sunlight. I love to spend some time in my front porch during my quiet mornings with my coffee and just enjoying the morning sunlight and the fresh air.
Use A Friendlier Alarm Clock
Almost every day is another day where you want to strangle your alarm clock. Everyone can surely relate to that, but then again, the alarm clock is only doing its job. Choose one with your favourite tune or soothing tone. If you’re using your mobile phone as your alarm clock, it will be even easier to customise the alarm tone that will set you in the right mood when you wake up. Remember, don’t hit the snooze button!
Keep Yourself Awake
The next step after you’ve woken up is to keep yourself up and running, not collapsing onto the couch or dozing off over the kitchen table during breakfast. There are multiple things you can do here to ensure you’re up and ready for the day. Taking a shower or at least washing your face with cold water is a good idea. The touch of cold water will ironically unfreeze your tired mind. Rather than having a warm drink in the morning, kick the day off with a cup of cool water to jump start your body. I must admit that my go-to drink is still my cup of coffee but I make it a point to drink water from my water bottle which I keep on my bedside table before I do anything else.
The only way you can make space for the proper amount of sleep is by creating a suitable routine for yourself. This routine also has to energise and motivate you to stick with it. Perhaps, one motivational thought is to think of all the extra time you will gain as a result of starting your day early. It seems unfair at times to think that your late nights are being taken away from you by the morning, but they don’t always have to go. Once you have developed a steady and realistic routine that you remain committed to, you can enjoy occasional nights of staying up late with your favourite night owl!
If this topic of having better sleep practices and routines is something that you would like to explore further, please reach out to me here. Let’s work together to create the routines that will work for you in the long run!
”I never knew a man come to greatness or eminence who lay abed late in the morning.”
― Jonathan Swift, Irish satirist
Too Quiet
“Introverts keep their best stuff inside—that is, until it is ready. And this drives extroverts crazy! The explanation for the introvert’s behaviour—and there must be an explanation for this behavior, say the extroverts—is that he or she is antisocial, out of touch, or simply a snob.”
― Laurie Helgoe, American author
I recently had meetings with my children’s teachers before the start of the school break to receive feedback on their progress in school. It was assuring for me hear that there were no academic concerns that needed to be addressed. However, all their teachers shared their concerns about my children being too quiet and introverted. In my teenage son’s case, the teachers felt that he gave the impression of being too laid back and disinterested in the lessons. Coincidentally, he is also seated at the back of the class as he is on the taller side and keeps pretty much to himself when lessons are conducted. You will never find him raising his hand to answer any questions or volunteer to step up in front of the class to present and speak on a topic.
As for my daughters, the older one was seen as being uncommunicative and not expressive of her thoughts and feelings. My youngest daughter also received similar feedback and the teachers were concerned that she didn’t make any friends since the start of the school year.
My first reaction after these meetings ended was a mixture of frustration and disbelief. Why is introversion viewed negatively by people in general? Yes, my children are introverts just like their parents but that doesn’t mean that they are incapable of adjusting socially in this noisy world. After I calmed myself down and had a discussion with my husband, we spoke to each child individually and worked with them on what they can do to give their teachers and classmates a better impression. We also assured them that there is nothing wrong in being an introvert. It’s just at times, people in general don’t understand introversion and equate being quiet and contented in oneself as anti-social, unengaged or snobbish!
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.”
Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking shared this nugget of wisdom, “Figure out what you are meant to contribute to the world and make sure you contribute it. If this requires public speaking or networking or other activities that make you uncomfortable, do them anyway. But accept that they're difficult, get the training you need to make them easier, and reward yourself when you're done.”
That was exactly what we explored with each of our children.
For my son, we discussed how he can show more interest in class and I knew that I cannot persuade him to volunteer to speak up in class. Instead, he suggested that he has one-to-one sessions with his Math teacher over the school break to strengthen his understanding of the subject. The teacher had always expressed his willingness to help so it was a matter of my son taking the initiative to meet with him. We also encouraged him to present for the group work that he does with his friends as he often is happy to do the research but holds back from speaking about the final product. It will definitely be uncomfortable for him! We reminded him that public speaking is a valuable skill to pick up as we will all need to do it in the workplace. Hopefully, our nudges will steer him in the right direction.
As for the girls, we told the elder one that she has to communicate her thoughts, in particular if she is unhappy about something or uncertain about the teachers’ instructions as it’s to her detriment if she just stays quiet. We told her that no one will judge her negatively if she just asks. I reminded her that more often than not, we think of the situation as being worse than they actually are. My youngest daughter’s teacher had taken the initiative to pair her up with a buddy over the school break. I advised her that this is a good opportunity to develop a new friendship and helped her create an email to this new friend.
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash
Are you an introvert? Do you face issues at your workplace due to your introversion? Perhaps you are not recognised for your contribution as much as your more outspoken colleagues.
Here are my thoughts along the lines of what I shared in my conversations with my children:
Speak up but in a way that works for you
We all have difficulty stepping outside our comfort zone. However, when we hold ourselves back, we end up being over-looked and our contribution to our workplace is also less impactful. Is it speaking up in meetings that you feel awkward about? Experiment by speaking up in smaller meetings on a subject matter that you know very well. Slowly build up your confidence. If it’s public speaking that causes the butterflies in your stomach, explore how you can learn this skill and practice.
Suspend judgment
We often overthink issues in our minds. We jump to conclusions about how bad a situation is and then our thoughts spiral downwards, out of control. The classic example is when your manager walks past you in the corridor and doesn’t smile at you. Your likely first reaction is, “Oh no, he’s angry at me! What did I do?” but how true is that? You don’t know at that point in time. There could be a number of reasons why he didn’t acknowledge you. Don’t accept every thought that comes up in your mind as the absolute truth. Question your assumptions. As much as we don’t like to hear this (because we are all egotistical beings), it’s not always about you!
Seek help and support
If your issue is too big for you to handle on your own, seek help. Have a one-to-one conversation with your manager or supervisor. If it is a sensitive matter, don’t hesitate to raise it through the proper channels within the framework of your organisation. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Seek support as well from your colleagues and peers. Share your experiences with other introverted colleagues. Collaborate with extroverted peers. The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to go through your challenges alone.
Debbie Tung - Wheresmybubble Instagram
If you are an introvert and would like the support of an introverted coach who understands the unique challenges an introvert faces in this loud and noisy world, book a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me here to find out how I can help you.
Find your powerful quiet voice and live life fully on your own terms.
Reinventing Perspectives
Today’s post is different from my usual ones. I had the honour of appearing as a guest on Priscilla Nyahwa-Shumba’s podcast, Reinventing Perspectives earlier this week. The episode is titled “Is Imposter Syndrome Getting In The Way of Your Purpose” and you can listen to it here or click on the recording below.
Priscilla’s mission statement for Reinventing Perspectives is to help entrepreneurs stay in faith and win at business and that is a statement that strongly resonates with me. Priscilla and I met through an online matching platform for podcast hosts and guests to collaborate with each other called Podmatch several months ago. We connected and found a common topic to talk about that we felt would richly benefit her audience. Priscilla is a great podcast host and she took a newbie guest such as myself under her wing and made the recording feel like a comfortable chat between two good friends.
I shared my journey as a solopreneur who started my business at the peak of the pandemic in this episode. The biggest lesson that I learnt from my journey is that being a perfectionist is actually holding me back from pursuing my dreams. The reality is that nothing in life needs to be perfect as we are all not perfect. I’ve learnt to see my journey as what it really is - a journey. Yes, I know what I want my destination to be but I also constantly remind myself to enjoy the journey and to learn and grow from it.
I also share my views on what imposter syndrome is and how to address these thoughts when they show up. To me, there are two facets to viewing imposter syndrome. Firstly, it is an inward reflection of my thoughts that I am not good enough. Secondly, I fear that others will find out I am not good enough.
The first step to overcome imposter syndrome thoughts is to acknowledge and recognise that you have these feelings and fears when they show up in your life. After that, adopt a helicopter view of the situation. Mentally float yourself up and look down at the situation for an objective evaluation of it.
Ask yourself:
“How true is this?” Consider the truth of your imposter syndrome thoughts.
If you are still convinced that your thoughts are true, ask yourself another question: “Is it true all the time?”
When you persist in this deeper way of thinking, you will realise that it is not true all the time. There are instances where you may lack confidence or that you are not skilled at a particular task. That is perfectly fine as we are all created to be different and do not have to be good in all things.
See it as an acceptance of yourself and learn from these experiences.
Priscilla and I ended the conversation with my sharing about my purpose in life and how I believe that people who are positively impacted in their lives will create a ripple effect that will continue to grow and benefit those around them. I hope that you will be encouraged by this podcast and be bold to pursue your dreams!
For those of you who are keen to work on their imposter syndrome thoughts and overcome the fears that are holding them back from living life fully, I would love to hear from you and let’s work together to create those positive ripples! Book an appointment with me now!
The Case of the “Shoulds”
“...don’t worry too much about what someone else says you “should” do. Know what you want to do and why it’s important to you.”
― Melissa Steginus, American author
“I should have studied harder.”
“I should have been promoted to senior manager by now.”
“I should have recovered from this relationship.”
“I should have invested more time with my family.”
“I should have been smarter and wiser.”
“I should be happier".”
What are the “shoulds” in your life? What situations give you the case of the “shoulds”?
My “shoulds” tend to show up in situations which matter a lot to me. For example, in my coaching business, I feel I should do more marketing. I should find ways to reach out to more people. I should start doing videos and podcasts. I should spend more time and energy on my business. It also shows up when I parent my children. I should be more caring towards them. I should spend more time with them. I should allow them to make mistakes. I should give them all the opportunity to explore their interests.
At first glance, these “shoulds” appear to mean well and have the intention to propel me to succeed as an entrepreneur and a parent. However, upon closer scrutiny, these “shoulds” are judgmental and create doubts and insecurity. They tell me that I am not good enough and that I need to do more. They come with a sense of heaviness and if not properly dealt with, will lead to more stress and anxiety. They also make us feel that we are lacking in something or not doing the right thing.
German psychoanalyst Karen Horney (1885-1952) had a phrase for this: “the tyranny of the should.” She viewed shoulds as dividing our personalities into two selves: an ideal self and a real self. When we don’t live up to the ideal self, we are split and our inner critic comes out. The “shoulds” make up the rules of how we are to live our lives and also how we view the world. The inner critic constantly evaluates what the person says, what s/he does and even what s/he feels by comparing him/her to an ideal of perfection defined by the rules - the “shoulds”.
“Stop asking “What should I do now?” That question only brings up what others expect of you. Free people don’t have shoulds. They have choices.”
— Steve Pavlina, American author
Is there a cure for the “shoulds”?
I like the quote by Melissa Steginus. “Know what you want to do and why it’s important to you.” The other quote by Steve Pavlina reminds us that we have choices. We cannot dictate people’s expectations of us but we can choose how we want to acknowledge and validate ourselves. We do so by knowing our purpose in life. We also need to accept where we are in the present moment. Accept that we are all work in progress and none of us are “completed” yet.
What can we do the next time we are hit by the case of the “shoulds”?
Check its truth
The next time you find yourself saying, “I should be doing this”, “I should have said that” or “I should be more …”, ask yourself if the statement is true. Is it true that you should have done or said what your inner critic wanted you to do or say? For example, if you think you should have been promoted by now, what is the basis for that statement? Is it because you have worked in the organisation for many years and ought to be promoted simply because you have paid your dues in terms of your years of service with them? Check this truth against the way your organisation typically promotes their employees. Check this truth against your own performance and achievements in the organisation. If after taking an objective, factual view on the situation and you still feel that you should have been promoted, plan the next course of action. This may involve speaking to your manager, fine-tuning your skill-set and increasing your visibility by networking. It may also entail exploring other opportunities within or outside your organisation. By resisting the urge to listen to your inner critic blindly, you are now able to evaluate the situation in a calmer and more rational way.
Check its source
Where did that particular “should” come from? E.g. “I should lose more weight, otherwise, I’ll never be in a meaningful relationship with my ideal partner”. Where did this rule come from? Was it from your upbringing - what your parents and family members used to say to you about your weight? Was it from societal norms and conformity? Was it also due to your own comparison to your friends’ relationships? In the beginning, this “should” may sound like a well-meaning rule that will help you succeed and be happy in your life. However, remind yourself to check its truth and also check its source before abiding by this rule. Is thinking this way really good for me?
Reframe
If you have evaluated the truth and source of your “should” and find that it is a lie and isn’t coming from a place that is helping you, how do you reframe your perspective? In the example of “I should have been promoted by now”, how about saying “I want to be promoted”? What feelings does the latter bring up for you? By choosing another way to look at the situation, you are likely to feel empowered. I want to be promoted therefore, I will do “X”, “Y” and “Z”. You proactively make choices to reach your end goal. You’re not beaten into a corner by your inner critic. I should lose weight then I will be able to find my ideal partner. Ask yourself, what’s my purpose in this intention? Is it to lose the weight or find the ideal partner? What does losing the weight mean for you in the long term? You can start to shift your thinking to look at being fit and healthy and start accepting yourself as you are at your current state. Love yourself, practise kindness and empathy towards yourself. As a result, you will end up happier irrespective of whether or not you are in a romantic relationship with your ideal partner. Ask yourself, “What is it that I want in this “should”?” Question it, dig deep until you find out what you really want and why it is important to you. Use the answer as your compass as you plan your next steps.
You don’t have to journey alone. I will be happy to support you as your coach as you work on checking the truth and the source of your “shoulds”. Together, we will reframe your “shoulds” to bring you closer to your life’s purpose and to live it meaningfully.
“The only impossible journey is the one you never begin.” - Tony Robbins, renowned author, coach and speaker
Begin your journey with me today
Not Good Enough
“It is easy to believe you are not good enough if you listen to everybody else.”
Photo by Luke Leung on Unsplash
My youngest daughter, who is 9 years old this year, and I had a recent conversation about her desired occupation when she grows up. She is an avid proponent of conserving the environment and protecting animals at risk. Her favourite animal is the turtle and she often updates me about conservation efforts for her precious turtles. She is the first to remind us to recycle our plastics and reduce wastage so that our oceans are not polluted. Naturally, I asked her if she would like to go into the field of being an environmentalist or a biologist or a veterinarian given her passion for animals and care for the environment. She paused and thought hard for several moments. Her reply was, “No, Mummy, I can’t do all that. I am not good enough.”
Her reply surprised and saddened me. My first thought was whether or not I had said or done anything in the past to indicate that she wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t think of a specific incident. My husband and I do our best to be mindful not to discourage our children or cause them to doubt their abilities and potential. We often encourage them to try out new things and not to view failures as failures but as learning experiences for growth and resilience.
Was my daughter influenced by comments from her teachers, extended relatives and friends? I don’t know. She is usually a very happy and positive little girl. I probed her to elaborate. She went on to say that studying these fields will be difficult and she doesn’t think she can do it. It appears to stem from a sense of self-doubt and lack of confidence. Even at this young age, her limiting beliefs are starting to show up and framing her way of thinking.
Our conversation ended with me telling her that she doesn’t have to make up her mind yet and to continue learning about the environment and the conservation efforts happening in our world, which she is already doing. I didn’t want to attach heaviness to her statement but have made a mental note to keep encouraging her and celebrating her successes along the way.
“You are only as limited as your beliefs.”
― Jennifer Ho-Dougatz, American entrepreneur
“I am not good enough.”
Have you said or thought this before in the various stages in your life? Has this thought stopped you from doing something meaningful to you? Has this thought made you postpone pursuing your dreams indefinitely? Have you foregone opportunities due to this belief of not being good enough?
I recalled doubting myself as a coach when I was in the early stages of my coach training. I believed I wasn’t good enough when I compared myself to my fellow students who had counselling, consulting or training backgrounds. I felt inadequate. As a result, I held back from actively contributing in class as I believed my opinions wouldn’t count as much as the others who are more capable and experienced. Then, one of the mentor coaches in a lesson on beliefs challenged us to say to each other, “I am a coach”. Not a student or a coach in training but a coach. I found it very difficult to say so. He then shared with us a different perspective which made me re-evaluate my beliefs on how I saw myself as coach then. He said confidently to all of us in his class that we are all coaches. We are already coaches. It’s just that we are at different spectrums of our respective coaching journeys. He was already past the midway mark whereas for most of us, we just left the starting line. We are not running a competitive race. We are running our own marathon and finishing the journey leais all up to us as individual runners. We determine our pace, adjust our stamina, plan our route and take necessary pauses to enjoy the run.
“I am good enough for who I am today.”
How do we shift our thinking from “I am not good enough” to “I am good enough for who I am today”?This doesn’t mean I don’t strive to improve and do better tomorrow. It just means I accept myself and I am at peace with who I am today. Three things help me remember this.
Be a wide-eyed explorer
Stay curious and open to learning and growing even if you are already an expert in your field. This allows you to keep a fresh outlook to ensure that your skills are constantly being honed and fine-tuned. My husband, despite being in his profession for more than 25 years, still watches training videos from various universities and reads relevant articles and research papers published by peers to stay current on developments in his field. Taking on a wide-eyed explorer view on learning and growth doesn’t mean that we are not good enough right now. It means we are always open to improve and to learn from others. When you start to think, “I am not good enough,”; you can stop and say to yourself, “I may not be good enough to do “x y z” today but I’m gaining the knowledge and expertise to get there!”
Practise empathy on yourself
It is always easier for most of us to show empathy to others but when it comes to being kind to ourselves, to love ourselves unconditionally and without judgment, most of us find it challenging to do so. Our judging voices always tend to put us down. We are made to believe that being kind to ourselves will make us soft, unprepared to meet the challenges of today’s world. We need to be hard and tough on ourselves to stay strong. These are lies. These thoughts increase our existing stress level and make obstacles in our daily lives unsurmountable. What can we do to start practising empathy on ourselves? Make it a point to celebrate the small daily successes. Even if it was a particularly difficult day, find at least one thing which you can smile and congratulate yourself for. It can be as simple as getting out of bed and getting dressed for your morning Zoom meeting. Learn to give yourself specific praise and acknowledgments. Be proud of what you have accomplished each day. In short, be your most faithful and loudest cheerleader!
Stop comparing!
We all have a tendency to compare ourselves with others. We often take the view that others have done and accomplished so much more in their lives as compared to ours. We feel that we are lacking in so many ways. Once we start comparing, we lose sight of what we already have. We become bitter, resentful and at times, anxious as we feel we are not up to par with the rest. What stops me when I feel the urge to compare is that I remember what my mentor coach told all of us in that coaching class. We all have different journeys in life and even if there are similarities in our journeys, we are all at different stages and different paces. The important thing is that we appreciate and enjoy our respective journeys. I often tell my children that if they want to compare their abilities and achievements, to compare them against where they were at several months before, and not to compare them with the abilities and achievements of others. As long as we are progressing and moving forward, that is all that matters.
If you feel stuck in thinking that you are not good enough and want to break free from this line of thinking, reach out to me here to have a candid chat on how I can support you as your coach. I can stand in as your greatest cheerleader until you are ready to be yours!
“Loving yourself doesn’t mean you think you’re perfect or better than others. It just means you know that sometimes you have to be your own cheerleader, your own warrior... and you’re ok with that.”
— Nina Guilbeau,American author
Deja Vu
“Déjà vu is more than a fleeting moment of surprise, instantly forgotten because we never bother with things that make no sense. It shows that time doesn’t pass. It’s a leap into something we have already experienced and that is being repeated.”
Photo by Dzmitry Dudov (Dead__Angel_) on Unsplash
Deja vu - it’s the strange feeling that you have when you feel that you have already experienced what is happening to you now. The hairs at the back of your neck stand and you feel a chill. It has happened to me several times in my life and I don’t have any explanation for it. I recall situations and conversations like a memory even though I know factually, they have never happened before.
Anyway, I’m not writing about the unexplained phenomenon of deja vu here. Rather, the word aptly describes how I feel right now about the restrictions imposed on us in Singapore to cope with the surge of the community spread of the Covid-19 virus. It’s deja vu for me as the same thing happened to all of us in May 2020 when Circuit Breaker measures were imposed then. We have restrictions on our outdoor activities in terms of what we can or can’t do. Schools are closed as of today. When I first learnt of this last Sunday, I felt a surge of stress as I recalled how stressful it was for me and the kids in May last year. I know that we have gone through it before and survived. However, the feelings of stress, anxiety and frustration still came up in me so much so that when my youngest daughter saw the change in my expression, she gave me a hug and asked me to take deep breaths. Look who’s coaching who now!
I reached out to friends here in Singapore and asked them for their thoughts and lessons learnt from their experiences of Circuit Breaker in 2020 that will help them with this year’s Circuit Breaker-Lite as some have termed it as. I hope their insights give you hope and encouragement and I would love to hear your views as well. You can connect with me on LinkedIn or drop me a note here.
[I’ve kept their identities as anonymous to respect their privacy and to provide them with a safe space to share their thoughts and feelings.]
Yes, there are frustrations and anxiety but all my friends are filled with gratitude and have adopted a growth mindset towards to the current situation. They are amazing human beings who, despite the uncertainties, are hopeful and resilient …
“The 2nd phase was expected but still a dampener. However, it is for the greater good. We have to appreciate that what we take for granted, others are praying hard for. I’ve learnt to enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life, to take the chance to do or learn something new. Never let a good crisis go to waste as quoted by Winston Churchill.”
“I feel a sense of weariness that we are back to square one. However, I have also learnt to be creative, finding new things to do, and spending time doing things we have been neglecting.”
“As a self-employed entrepreneur and single-handedly managing my household, having to return to phase 2 brought some tension in my line. Nonetheless, I am thankful to be living here in Singapore, having witnessed and experienced how our Government been restlessly placing the right measures for the well-being of our people and ensuring the ongoing of the country’s economy in the fight of this pandemic. For me, the good that has come out from it and especially from Circuit Breaker last year, is to not to take things for granted and always be prepared.”
“I was kind of upset because my plans for the family was affected. However, I realise that each of us plays an important role in improving or worsening the situation. I need to be a responsible citizen in adhering the guidelines.”
“I was frustrated at first - a friend's wedding got cancelled, activities I planned for the family have to be postponed. But after getting more clarity on the new restrictions, I am thankful and I know, we as a nation, we must do our part. I'm also grateful that we have vigilant policy makers who reacted quickly to this sudden rise of community cases. It's not an easy decision to move the nation one step back so I'm proud of my government. I’ve learnt to welcome changes. For some people, they are fearful of changes and uncertainties. People generally prefer to know what is coming next so they can be well prepared. I was one of them, not know my future working arrangement whether it’s working from home or the office and when my son’s childcare centre will reopen - these uncertainties had made me very anxious. However, after last year’s Circuit Breaker, I’ve learnt to just live in the moment - to focus on the positive!”
“I am feeling quite sad because the situation had stabilized for a while in Singapore and life was starting to get a bit better, so the recent development is a major setback. Having gone through last year's Circuit Breaker, I think it has prepared me for what to expect. Therefore, I can calmly deal with the situation and adapt accordingly as compared to last year.”
“Last year was tough - I was fretting over how I was going to work and care for my children who were at home. My husband and I worked as a team and we survived the period. I got to know my children better with the extra time spent with them. For this period, I intend to read more books. One book I have just finished is “The Happiest Man on Earth” by a Holocaust survivor and it taught me that despite our suffering, we can still contribute to the well-being of others and be kind to them. This will be the mentality I hope to bring with me into the restricted phase.”
It is as though we are stuck in this twilight zone of uncertainties without a clear end in sight.
However, I am encouraged by my friends’ sharing. Their insights remind me to be grateful for my blessings, to be flexible, to keep growing and adapting to the circumstances. I’m also reminded that we are not going through this alone and we can turn to each other for encouragement and support.
What is your main challenge during this period?
If you need someone to provide you support and a perspective shift, reach out to me here to book a complimentary 30-minutes call to see if coaching is something you would like to explore with me.
“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”
— Desmond Tutu, South African cleric
The Energy of Words
“Remember your words can plant gardens or burn whole forests down.”
Photo by Carlita Benazito on Unsplash
We have experienced the power of words. How we have been inspired by them when we listen to charismatic speakers. Songs and poems touch our hearts and ignite our souls. Books transport us into magical, imaginary worlds. Words exchanged in a heated argument stay with us long after the matter is resolved. Sadly, condemning words said to us during our childhood left scars which never fully healed.
Words also have energy to them. My youngest daughter may say “I hate you” to me in a mischievous voice. When I hear her words, I don’t feel the energy of hate. Rather, I hear love and fun due to the tone of her voice. However, when my son says, “It’s up to you. I’m fine with your decision,” in a monotonous tone, I know that he’s not fine. The energy of his words was not congruent with the actual words said.
Say the following words aloud and slowly. See what feelings come up for you when you hear yourself saying these words:
No
Yes
But
And
Can’t
Can
Have to
Get to
Frustrated
Curious
Criticism
Empathy
Suspicious
Hopeful
Pessimistic
Optimistic
Upset
Peaceful
Disappointed
Grateful
What was your energy like when you said positive words such as empathy, hopeful and peaceful? Chances are you also felt the way the words meant when you said them. Saying “no”, “but”, “can’t” and “have to” gives a sense of heaviness and impossibility whereas words like “yes”, “and”, “can” and “get to” revives you and renews your energy to move forward.
“Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”
- Nathaniel Hawthorne, American novelist
What do you think of these two sentences? Do they mean the same thing?
I have to be good at this job.
I want to be good at this job.
The first sentence sends a sense of desperation in that it implies that something is at stake if I end up not doing a good job. When I say it aloud, I feel a sense of reluctance, almost being forced to do a good job. It’s as though it’s not something I want to do.
The second sentence, however, provides motivation and hope. I want to be good at this job. Yes, something may still be at stake if I don’t do a good job but it doesn’t bring about that sense of desperation. It’s something I want to do. It motivates me to find ways to be good at the job. It may even inspire me to look at the job in a new way, just to improve how I do it now.
Let’s explore the energy that each of these sentences.
I have to do the laundry.
I want to do the laundry.
I have to pass my Bar exams.
I want to pass my Bar exams.
I have to do this presentation tomorrow morning.
I want to do this presentation tomorrow morning.
I have to discuss the poor performance of my subordinate.
I want to discuss the poor performance of my subordinate.
I have to speak to my husband about my worries.
I want to speak to my husband about my worries.
I have to tell my son that his actions were disrespectful.
I want to tell my son that his actions were disrespectful.
I have to show everyone that I am talented.
I want to show everyone that I am talented.
I have to stay strong.
I want to stay strong.
As you reflect on them, do you see which ones you have a tendency of using more often?
Do you say “I have to” a lot more than “I want to”?
How does that make you feel?
Do you feel that most of the time, you have to do what you’re doing now not because you want to but because it’s something that needs to be done and no one else wants to do it?
Yes, I definitely feel that way when it comes to doing the laundry. However, even as I typed the words, “I want to do the laundry”, a small shift happened in me. I still don’t enjoy doing the laundry but the fact that thinking and saying that I want to do it makes that task a little more attractive than before.
Saying “I have to” gives me the feeling that there is an external pressure on me to get those things done. It is not my choice to do so. Saying “I want to” shifts that view. I want to do it. I choose to do it. It empowers and motivates me. Okay, the laundry part may need a lot more convincing that it is something I want to do but I hope you get my drift.
What do you think will happen if you change your “I have to”s to “I want to”s?
The tasks have to be done. Do you want to them willingly or reluctantly?
There will not be any overnight miracles in that you immediately shift from the heaviness of the tasks at hand but you may start to realise that the tasks seem more manageable and perhaps with time, you may even start to enjoy them or find new ways to approach them.
Even if they are tasks that you don’t want to do but have to do, saying “I want to” gives you a sense of control in terms of your mindset towards them. Hopefully, with a more empowered mindset, you will be more at peace with those difficult situations and conversations that you have to carry out.
What do you want to do today?
Schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me here.
Let me support you as your coach today.
“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it.
If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.
If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”
- Nora Roberts, American author
Closing Time
Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open 'til your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
Lyrics of Closing Time by Semisonic
I recently watched an old episode of the American sitcom, The Office (“Doomsday”, episode 6, Season 8, 2011) and just couldn’t get the catchy rendition of Closing Time sung by one of the characters, Andy Bernard, out of my head. Andy, the new manager of Dunder Mifflin, a small paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania, wanted to help his employees bring closure to the end of their work day by singing this song. If you are curious, you can watch the clip here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buvF_qOEh3E&ab_channel=TheOffice
(Let me know if the catchy song stays in your mind long after you have heard it!)
To quote Andy Bernard from the video clip, “Every office needs an “end of the day” tradition. Something to tell you the day’s over. Otherwise you go home and the night just feels like more day.”
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
This statement definitely makes sense when we used to commute to work during the pre-Covid days. We physically left our offices, rushed to get home in our respective mode of transportation and resolve to leave our work concerns and issues at the doorstep of our homes. I took the train to my office back then and the commuting time was close to an hour. My end of day routine was to listen to music in the train or if I’m lucky enough to find a seat, I’ll read a few pages off my chosen book of that month. Once I’ve arrived at the station near my home, I would drop by the nearest supermarket to pick up some groceries or buy snacks for my children. It’s a nice way for me to unwind and separate my work day from my home life.
However, all of our end of day routines have changed since the start of the pandemic last year with lockdowns and restrictions worldwide. Boundaries have blurred as we work in our bedrooms, kitchens, dining area and gardens. Our roles have also changed. Apart from being employees or business owners, we are also teaching our children at home and being the housekeeper and caregiver all at the same time. We don’t shut off from work even if we switch off our computers and leave our desks. We seem to be connected and accessible to everyone all the time because we are home all the time. Carrying on like this the way we have been doing drains our energy and spirit.
What can we do to find our end of day routine again?
I came across this interesting article by Deborah Bright on letting go at the end of the workday published in Harvard Business Review in 2017. You can read it here (https://hbr.org/2017/11/how-to-let-go-at-the-end-of-the-workday). Although the article was written before any of us could have ever imagined that the entire world’s population would end up working from home, there are still useful tips from this article which we can apply today to create clearer boundaries between work and home in our lives.
Her suggested 5 steps of letting go of your work day concerns and “switching off” are:
Do one small task
Finish up one last email, make one final phone call to a client or writing up the last paragraph of your proposal - just do something small that creates a sense of achievement. A small win that will leave you feeling good about yourself. In the context of working from home, we can still practise this and the rewards for your small wins might be to spend 20-minutes playing basketball with your son, tending to the flowers in your garden or just having some quiet time to meditate.
Write a to-do list
I’m not proposing a long to-do list. Just a few items that you need to tend to the next day. Drawing up the list will help put your mind at ease and hopefully, take away the stress of over-thinking what needs to be done the next day. Every time you find yourself worrying about it, just remind yourself that it’s in your list and it can wait until tomorrow.
Straighten up your work area
I hope that by now, you have a designated work space at home which will help in creating that physical boundary between work and home. The act of tidying up your work space also provides you with a sense of accomplishment. Personally, a clean desk gives me comfort as I tend to be a “neat-freak” although my son prefers his “organised chaos”. Do whatever works for you to carry out this symbolic act of wrapping up your work day, keeping it light and fun!
Choose a specific act to symbolize the end of the work day
The author suggested, “Locking your office door, turning off your monitor, or calling home. Consistent use of this designated anchor will enable you to take control of your emotions and shift your mental state, just as if you were clocking out on a timesheet.” What has worked well for me is the powering down of my laptop and storing it away. As I wait for it to shut down, I focus on thinking about spending time with my kids or writing in my gratitude journal later at night. This little exercise helps me “leave” my work space and move into my home space.
Start your evening on a positive note
Think about what you can do to start your after-work hours on a positive note. I know there is a tendency to veg and tune out by scrolling social media posts or watching your favourite shows on Netflix. However, see if you can think of ways to re-connect with family members or reach out to a close friend for a short chat. I look forward to my evenings when I get to spend one-on-one time with each of my 3 children and have a catch-up chat with my husband when he returns from his work place. And yes, we occasionally veg in front of our TV as well!
As the pandemic is gradually being controlled, people are now starting to return to their offices and adapting to changes in their routines again. Whether you are that person or will still continue working from home, an end of day routine that works for you will keep you centred and at peace. If you are struggling to keep clear boundaries between work and home and want support to create defined divisions between the two, reach out to me here to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call to discover how coaching can help you.
“Part of the beauty of remote work is being able to work on a schedule that works best for you, but if you’re online and working at all hours, you’ll start burning out quickly. We’ll need to build clear rules around how technology can be used to help us maintain those boundaries for work-life balance.”
Good or Bad?
“Much in life is simply a matter of perspective. It’s not inherently good or bad, a success or failure; it’s how we choose to look at things that makes the difference.”
Dr. Shirzad Chamine often speaks about the old Chinese fable of the Stallion in his keynote speeches on Positive Intelligence. The fable revolves around the life of an old farmer in a small village in China. The farmer owned a stallion which was his most prized possession. One day, he entered the stallion in a competition and it won the first prize. All of his neighbours rushed over to congratulate the old farmer and yet, the farmer’s calm response was, “Who knows what is good or what is bad?”
The neighbours left him, feeling puzzled as they expected him to rejoice and celebrate his winnings.
The next week, thieves broke in the farmer’s stable and stole the stallion. When the neighbours learnt of this, they rushed over to console the old farmer. They found the farmer looking perfectly calm and at ease and he said, “Who knows what is good or what is bad?”
Puzzled yet again, the neightbours left him, thinking that this old farmer is probably becoming senile.
The following week, the stallion escapes and returns to the farmer, bringing back several wild horses with him. The neighbours were amazed by this wonderful twist of fate and rushed over to share in the farmer’s joy. They found him again being very calm and unaffected by his good fortune, saying, “Who knows what is good or what is bad?”
Three days later, the farmer’s only son rode one of the wild horses in his attempt to tame it. The horse threw the son him to the ground and he broke his leg. The neighbours rushed over to comfort the farmer and were quite disturbed when they found him being very calm. He quietly told them, “Who knows what is good or what is bad?”
A fortnight later, a war broke out in the region. The army wanted to conscript young men to join and fight the war. However, they couldn’t take the farmer’s son due to his broken leg. However, they couldn’t take the farmer’s son due to his broken leg. This time, the neighbours didn’t rush over to congratulate him as they knew what the farmer was going to say…
“Who knows what is good or what is bad?”
Photo by Sheri Hooley on Unsplash
What is this little fable telling us? We can choose to attach a great deal of significance to the events or we can choose to not be attached to the outcomes. We can choose how we want to view the circumstances in our lives. What are your thoughts on this fable?
I had a similar experience to the Stallion story recently, albeit not as dramatic, of course. I went for my medical appointment for a thorough check-up. As with most people, I am not a fan of visiting the doctor but I knew that it was something that needed to be done for my own well-being. I was pleased that my overall results were very good. On my way back from the hospital, I received a phone call from my daughter’s school. The general office staff told me that my middle daughter had fallen from the staircase and sprained her ankle. Thankfully, I had finished my appointment and was able to go pick her up immediately. It turned out to be a minor sprain which healed several days later.
That afternoon, I learnt from my father that he upgraded his mobile phone plan to include a data package. Previously, he did not have a data plan and all our communications were done through voice calls on the phone. So, that afternoon, after more than a year since the pandemic started, I had my first video call with my parents. It was a very moving experience for all of us as I have not been able to travel to visit them since January 2020. I’m very grateful that we could finally “see” each other.
However, that evening, when my teenage son came home from school, he was in a bad mood and I ended up having a heated argument with him over chores – doing the laundry. The argument ended calmly with me telling him that his disrespectful behaviour was unacceptable and with him telling me that he was just so tired of everything. I couldn’t get anything else out from him. He remained moody and sulky for the next few days.
So, what was good or bad from the events of my day? I had my highs in terms of my medical results and my first video call with my parents. I had my lows with my daughter’s injury and my son’s attitude that evening. Do I let the “bad” discount the “good”? I admit that for a short moment, I doubted my parenting skills and wondered if I could have handled that evening’s situation differently. However, after talking it over with my husband, we both decided that there wasn’t anything else that I could have done differently for that particular matter and it was my son’s choice to choose to behave that way. If I had allowed my self-doubts and negative chatter to overwhelm me, I would have spiralled into despair and would have lost sight of the blessings I received earlier that day.
What is your Stallion story like? Do you allow your negative thoughts to take you hostage? Are you able to recognise the damage and harm that they are causing you and consciously make a choice to look at the situation from another perspective?
Do you have a Stallion story to share? Do you want to be able to accept the circumstances, both good and bad, like the old farmer? Reach out to me here to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes coaching session to discover what coaching can do for you in terms of shifting your perspectives.
“The Sage Perspective accepts every outcome and circumstances as a gift and opportunity.”
– Dr. Shirzad Chamine, author of Positive Intelligence
Push or Pull?
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.”
Photo by Meritt Thomas on Unsplash
As you think about the tasks on your to-do list today, which ones excite you and which ones make you feel dread and apprehension? What items on your to-do list have the “pull” factor, the ones that you are eager to get to? Which ones feel heavy, requiring that extra “push” from you to get it off your list?
Here’s my take on some of my tasks that fall within either of these two categories of push and pull:
Reading a 200-page document and producing a 10 page summary from it. Push! Although I have the requisite skills from my legal training to do this, this task doesn’t give me any joy.
Doing the laundry. Push! I know it is something that needs to be done but hey, if I can pay someone else to do it for me, I would!
Helping my daughters with their homework. This needs a bit more thought. On the one hand, it can be a pull for me as I’ll have the opportunity to interact with my daughters. However, it can also be a push especially when their requests for help come at a time when I’m having a busy day.
Writing my blogs. Definitely a pull! I enjoy putting my thoughts on paper (or in this case, on my website) as it is a creative outlet for me and I know I’m sharing value with you, my readers.
Watching a sitcom. Pull, although I know I can use my time more productively but I also need downtime to unwind and laugh.
When you look at the list of things below, how would you categorise them?
Which ones are “push or “pull” for you?
Having your performance review conversation with your manager or if you are the manager, conducting that conversation with your direct report.
Working on a solution to an important project for the company.
Giving a presentation to an audience of 100 people.
Planning your 2-weeks’ vacation and actually taking it!
Cleaning the backyard.
Teaching your son how to drive a car.
Hosting a dinner party.
Visiting your parents and helping them set up their new computer.
Each of us will have different answers to these tasks because we are all wired differently. Some people will be excited about presenting in front of a large audience but there will be others who prefer to visit the dentist for a filling instead of giving that presentation.
Once you have decided that the items on your to-do list are non-negotiables which means that they will need to be carried out today, how do you shift your thinking around those items with the “push” factor to be more appealing to you? What can you do to increase their “pull” towards you?
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash
Let’s take the work-related tasks. Performance review conversations, asking for a salary increment or a promotion, having a dialogue with a difficult co-worker - if these represent a “push” feeling for you, how do you look at them differently?
Consider your purpose and intention behind each task.
What do you want to get out of it? It is definitely more obvious for situations such as asking for a raise or a promotion but ask yourself, what’s the real reason for asking for the raise - is it just the money or is there something more to be considered? What does the raise or promotion signify in your life? Focus on the deeper reason and that will give you the energy needed to look at the tasks differently. If you are clear on why you want the raise, you will be able to articulate your thoughts better and even feel excited to ask for it. As for the performance review conversations and other types of difficult conversations, again, get clear on your reasons for having these conversations. Focus on the desired outcomes and also be clear on what you can or cannot compromise.
Take steps to make it “lighter”.
What small steps can you take to make the situation lighter and more appealing? For most of us, it’s a no-brainer that taking a vacation is a pull for us! However, if you are running your own business or in senior management with huge responsibilities, taking a 2-weeks’ vacation may be a “push” for you. It is hard for you to let go and give yourself a break. Think about the arrangements you can take to delegate your responsibilities, manage expectations of others and reschedule commitments. Once you have done what you can to facilitate your vacation, take your vacation and allow yourself to enjoy, rest and recharge. You deserve it! If your take on household chores is a “push”, think about how you can make these chores more attractive to you. Perhaps, it’s to elicit the help of your spouse and children or if you can afford it, consider outsourcing! If not, break down the chores into manageable chunks and have little celebrations after you’re done such as a nice cup of coffee, a 10-minutes online shopping spree or just talking a short walk in the park. Think of rewards that you will enjoy at the end of the tasks to give you the “pull’ factor.
Acceptance
By acceptance, I don’t mean a resigned acceptance as in a sense of defeat and heaviness. There will be tasks that are difficult. For example, working on a solution for that major project. It is challenging. Accepting this situation means looking at it as it is, objectively and trusting that you will eventually find a way to handle the situation, whether it’s by your own means or relying on others and available resources. The important thing is not to allow your negative emotions overwhelm you. Yes, the undesirable task has to be carried out. What do you need to do to get started? Draw up a specific plan, consider the people who can help you, leverage on your existing skills (or consider upgrading your skills) and identify available resources. Explore the task at hand with curiosity and consider all avenues without shutting them down at the first instance. Again, acknowledge and celebrate your successes along the way!
If you are currently finding a lot more “push”-like tasks in your daily to-do list and want to shift your perspectives in handling them, reach out to me here today!
Schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call to explore how my coaching can help you address your negative thoughts around those difficult tasks and find strategies to better deal with them.
You don’t have to walk this journey alone.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist
I Want It Now!
“If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of life I shall have to wear it off. ”
Photo by Trym Nilsen on Unsplash
I wanted it and I thought I had it. It was a project that I pitched for and I thought my proposal met their requirements. I received news two weeks later that I didn’t get it. They didn’t provide any specific explanation, just that I’m not the person they were looking for. Thoughts raced in my mind. What did I do wrong? What did I miss? What should I have said? I didn’t receive any answers to these questions. I was feeling unsettled. It was a setback.
I was disappointed.
What is disappointment? It is the sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one's hopes or expectations. In my case, it was my expectation that I would land this project. What is your current disappointment? Is it not getting the job you wanted even after what you thought was a good interview? Is it being overlooked for a promotion? We know what it feels like to be that 5-year-old kid who wanted to win the giant teddy bear at the amusement park but his father just couldn’t hit all the tin cans in the booth to win it. Who do you think was more disappointed - the kid or the father? The kid was disappointed because he didn’t walk away, hugging his desired prize. The father was disappointed because he couldn’t make his son happy. Disappointment stems from unmet expectations, shattered hopes. Does this mean that we won’t be disappointed if we don’t hope? Perhaps. Do you want to live a life without hope? Not waking up feeling excited about what the day lies ahead. Not planning for the future. Not working towards making your dreams come true. That would be as though you are just settling, that you have given up in life. Is that the type of life that you want to lead just to avoid disappointments?
It is painful to be disappointed. Sometimes, it is so painful that you just want to stay in bed and not get up to face the world. So, what can you do to lessen the pain of disappointment?
“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.”
― Robert Kiyosaki, American businessman
Photo by Austin Kehmeier on Unsplash
What lessons did I learn from my recent episode on disappointment?
Time
How long do I want to stay disappointed? I allowed myself time to “mourn” the loss. I felt the negative emotions. I labelled each emotion and observed them with curiosity, not attaching any weight or importance to them. Yes, they were strong emotions of rejection, anger and sadness but they do not form the essence of who I am as a person. I then chose to do something completely different to centre myself. I listened to Christian music while doing mundane household chores! The important lesson for me here is to not to allow these emotions to overwhelm and consume me.
Support
When I learnt of the rejection, I called my husband at work to give him a quick update. We then talked more about it later that day. He provided an objective perspective as he was not involved in the incident. He reaffirmed my capabilities and helped me see that this is not “the end of the world” for me. Yes, I have a tendency to catastrophize! He highlighted the good parts of the situation in that they did get back to me rather than keeping silent. I had the closure I needed. He said I had put a lot of effort into the proposal and is proud of me. He reminded me of my strengths and helped me to appreciate what I have in my life right now rather than focusing on what got away.
Growth
I also have a tendency to judge myself harshly. I tend to be critical and not as forgiving towards myself as I am towards others. I learnt from this episode that it doesn’t help me to be judgmental about what happened. The matter is over. I have to move on but without judgment or blame as it is not my fault and neither is it the fault of the other party. My proposal wasn’t what they were looking for. Simple as that. So, what do I want to take away from this episode with discernment and not judgment? I came up with a few things to improve on. I will do more research on the organisation I’m pitching to, find out their nuances and their pain points in greater detail. I learnt that even the tone and language that I used in my proposal has to suit their organisational culture. It also reminded me of the importance of relationship building and I am glad that this episode ended on a positive note. I may not be the right fit for them now but with a good relationship, this door may open again at a later stage.
How do you cope when you are disappointed? What is your greatest challenge? Is it “fighting” against your own negative thoughts and emotions? Is it getting stuck in the situation and not seeing any way out? Do you find that you lack morale support and encouragement? What shifts in your outlook and perspectives do you need to move forward? If any of these questions strike a chord with you, do reach out to me here and we’ll explore how I can support you as your coach to better handle disappointments in your life.
“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”
- Joel Osteen, American pastor and author
Pressed for Time
“There is more to life than simply increasing its speed”
- Mahatma Gandhi, anti-colonial nationalist
Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash
It’s been hectic these past few weeks. I have been in back-to-back calls without much of a breather in-between calls. I’ve also scheduled night calls to suit my clients’ schedules and attended several webinars late at night as well due to the time differences between U.S. and Singapore. I didn’t realise how pressed for time I was until my youngest daughter remarked to herself that she is also stressed and pressed for time. I was curious and asked her where she heard the phrase “pressed for time” from. She replied, “Mummy, you say it all the time!”
Her words stopped me. I didn’t realise that I have been saying those words. I didn’t realise that I was giving my children the impression that I was so busy that I didn’t have any time for them. My youngest daughter had also started to mirror my stressful behaviour when she had homework to finish in the afternoon. She worked hurriedly and was also very stressed.
I then recalled that I wrote about time management in one of blogs published in February titled “Not Enough Time” which you can read here. In order to manage our time better, we look at our priorities and their importance to us. I realised that I wasn’t consciously planning my time aligned with my priorities these past weeks. Rather, I had allowed what I considered as pressing demands to take precedence of self-care and family time. Yes, the work related calls were important and I value and enjoy my coaching sessions with my clients. What I should have done is to set aside time during the weekend to effectively plan my week ahead with time blocked off for my family and for myself instead of filling in all the empty spaces in my calendar just because they were empty.
Do you also struggle with time management? How does your schedule for the week look right now? Do you have any time set aside for rest, family time, personal development and just fun? Does the phrase “pressed for time” resonate with you?
“Time is measured in minutes; life is measured in moments.”
Photo by Jazmin Quaynor on Unsplash
When I think of managing my time in terms of my priorities of career, relationships and self, I am now mindful to do the following:
Career - in terms of my work and coaching calls, I schedule buffer time in between the calls to enable me to take a short break from the phone and laptop and do something completely different to unwind and get centred before my next call. If I am not able to do so between calls due to circumstances beyond my control, I consciously block off a longer time after the end of these calls to rest instead of jumping right back to reply to email messages. As for webinars, I ask myself, “Do I really need to attend this webinar for the growth of my business and personal development?”. If I have some doubts to its usefulness in that regard, I won’t sign up no matter how attractive the title and marketing blurb of the webinar.
Relationships - I have scheduled one-to-one time with my children in the coming weeks. I’m taking my son out for a weekday lunch as a treat as he is dismissed from school earlier that day. As for my girls, I’ve scheduled badminton time with both daughters in the evenings, 20-minutes catch up chat time with my elder daughter and 20-minutes hugging time with my youngest daughter. My husband and I will be going out for a coffee date this coming Sunday after church. Life is indeed measured in moments. These moments with my family bring me joy and fulfilment.
Self - I am keeping half an hour every night for myself to write in my journal. My reflection of each day helps me put the things in the right perspective and reminds me of the blessings I’m grateful for. I also carve out time for exercise and things I enjoy doing like watching a sitcom on weekend nights.
When you look at your schedule from the perspective of your priorities, how does it fare? Do you feel satisfied with how you have planned to use your time? I allow for empty spaces in my calendar to cater for impromptu and spontaneous events of creativity and fun. I confess that it is still a challenge for me to see empty spaces in my calendar. However, I remind myself that empty spaces in my calendar does not signify lack of productivity. They are there to allow for unexpected opportunities. They provide flexibility. They allow me time to slow down.
Some time management tips that have worked for me:
Being self-aware and intentional when I make my plans. I ask myself if I am allowing enough time for myself to be fully present for my creative work, coaching sessions, family and self.
Keeping a reasonable to-do list for each day. I also remind myself not to keep a long list but a shorter one with realistic expectations. I reflect at the end of each day how well my day went and in terms of unmet tasks, I reassess their level of importance and urgency and if they should be carried forward to the following day/week or removed.
As I plan my time, I ask myself how these activities align with my purpose for my career, relationships and self. It takes discipline and effort to stay on this frame of mind but I believe with consistent practice, it will become second nature to us.
Are you setting enough time to fulfil your larger purpose of career, relationships and self? Or are you settling just to get through the day? Do you want to feel empowered and at peace with your use of time? Are you pressed for time or is time allowing you the space for creativity, purpose and joy?
Contact me today to join my complimentary group coaching session this coming Wednesday (31 March 2021) at 8:00 p.m. Singapore (8:00 a.m. EST) to experience the power of support and accountability in a safe, non-judgmental group coaching environment. I look fContact me todayorward to meeting you and helping you to create a time management strategy that is unique for you to enable you to live a richer (and not busier!) and fulfilling life!
“If you want to make good use of your time, you’ve got to know what’s most important and then give it all you’ve got.”
- Lee Iacocca, American businessman
Smell the Oranges
“If you don’t stop to smell the roses every once in a while, you will eventually become a thorn in your own side.”
Stop and smell the roses, or in my recent experience, smell the oranges! My youngest daughter took pains to carefully peel 2 mandarin oranges and lovingly arranged them on a plate as seen in the photo. She brought them to me during a busy work afternoon to share the oranges with me. She knew I was working hard and thought I needed a break. When I saw the slices of mandarin oranges beautifully arranged by my daughter, my heart melted and I immediately stopped looking at the document in my laptop. We then had a nice 20 minutes just eating the oranges and talking about how our respective mornings went. It was a beautiful moment of connection and bonding between me and my daughter. It happened because she noticed that I needed a “pick-me-up” and acted on it by following her heart. It happened because I made a conscious decision to stop what I was doing and slowed down to focus all my attention on her. She even asked me if I was going to use the photo for one of my blog posts and my answer was a definite “yes”!
So, here we are…
How busy is your life today? What is your immediate response if there is an interruption in the middle of your busy day? Do you welcome it if it comes from someone you love and hold close to your heart? Are you easily irritated or annoyed by that interruption? Do you have a long to-do list which seems to grow by the day? Do you feel like a hamster running on a wheel, unable to step off it for the fear that everything will fall apart if you do?
A friend shared the other day that when she is not feeling good in herself i.e., not at peace within herself, the smallest challenges or issues can blow up into unmanageable problems. However, when she is feeling that she is in a good place, mentally, emotionally and physically, these same challenges are actually very manageable. She is able to see the solutions and take the necessary steps towards them. If she is not in a good place, she feels trapped in her head and can’t really see any breakthrough in her circumstances.
We then talked about self-care. She has been feeling stressed and stretched lately with responsibilities and commitments at home and at work. She candidly said that she couldn’t recall the last time she spent any time doing something she enjoyed by herself.
What is self-care?
I came across this article published in PsychCentral titled “What Self-Care is — and What It Isn’t” written by Raphailia Michael and medically reviewed by the Scientific Advisory Board, where she defined self-care as “any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health”. It’s also important to know what self-care is not. It is not a selfish act. It is not something forced although we have to make it a point to do it e.g., like scheduling self-care time in our busy schedules and committing to keep our self-care “appointments”. Not to move them around if we have other more pressing things to tend to. If we don’t look after ourselves, who will?
“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
Photo by Heidi Kaden on Unsplash
Have you done anything recently that rejuvenates you? Have you actively sought to recharge your batteries? Do you have something that you look forward to on a daily basis? How do you feel after you have tended to yourself? Are there lingering feelings of guilt? Do you feel that self-care is a luxury and that there has been too much hype around it?
The benefits of self-care can be divided into 3 categories:
Physical - by committing to look after your body and tending to its needs, you will become healthier. This would include regular exercise, sufficient sleep and listening to your body especially when you feel tension or pain.
Mental - by recognising that you have negative thoughts but choosing not to let those thoughts overwhelm you. Have a healthy outlook in life and look for opportunities for self-improvement and personal growth. Invest in your mental development, both personally and professionally.
Emotional - by committing to accept that emotions do not form who you are. They are just emotions, feelings and again, you have a choice not to succumb to the emotions. Make time for relaxing activities to soothe the mind and body.
For me, simple things like a cup of coffee when the house is quiet in the morning starts my day on a calm, peaceful note. Writing provides me with an outlet to process my thoughts and emotions and it also gives me great joy. I enjoy exercising with my children and we have a lot of fun while we’re at it. I write in my journal every night before bedtime. Over the weekends, I watch comedies or movies with my husband. Yes, these are small simple things and yet, I know that something is not quite right when I don’t do them.
Have you considered how you’re doing with your own self-care routine? Drop me a note here if you want to take a self-care quiz to find out the current level of your self-care. If you would like to explore how coaching can help you achieve a better balance in your life, book a free 30-minutes call with me to find out more.
“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.”
Wind Beneath My Wings
“I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.”
- from the song Wind Beneath My Wings sung by Bette Midler
Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash
We have just celebrated International Women’s Day on 8 March. I strongly believe that women supporting women and encouraging each other to be authentic and define success in the way that we each see it is powerful. As I was thinking of an appropriate post to write in conjunction of Women’s Day. I was reminded of the song “Wind Beneath My Wings’ sung by Bette Midler. There is a part in the beginning of the song which goes like this:
“So, I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.”
We all have people in our lives who have supported us in our respective journeys but didn’t share in our limelight and glory. Those individuals who preferred to remain behind the scenes of our successes although we know that without them, we would be nothing.
In the spirit of celebrating Women’s Day, think about the women who have provided inspiration and support to you without asking for anything in return. Have you taken the time to tell them how much you appreciate them? If not, I encourage you to do so this month.
For me, that woman is my mother. She is strong and resilient. When she was 17 years old, she stopped her education despite doing well in school because her parents were not able to support her financially. She was the eldest daughter in a family of 11 siblings. She worked as a seamstress and helped raised her younger brothers and sister when my grandmother was not able to due to health issues. She has never shown any resentment in this aspect of her life. She is the most generous person I know. She has never turned down anyone who needed help in terms of her time and resources. She has brought me up to be the woman I am today. I am proud that I inherited her generous trait although I don’t think I can do all the things she does. She cooks hot meals and bake for her church’s breakfast fellowship and that is definitely not within my baking and cooking aptitude!
Photo by Aditya Romansa on Unsplash
“Legacy is not leaving something for people. It’s leaving something in people.”
As we appreciate the people who have inspired us, think about the legacy and impact that you want to leave behind. What do you want people to remember you by as you reach the last days of your time on earth? I shared an exercise to evaluate your legacy in my newsletter of July 2020 (click here). As you reflect on the words to be placed on your tombstone (I know it may sound morbid but the exercise will help you slow down and reflect on how you want to spend the remaining years of your life meaningfully), think about the impression and values that you want to leave in the hearts of the people whom you care about.
For me, I want my children to remember that Mum was always there for them and that Mum loved them unconditionally. I want them to believe in their own potential and capabilities and not be hindered by their limiting beliefs. I want them to remember that it is courageous to feel fear but to go ahead and pursue their dreams in spite of the fears. I want each of them to truly know their purpose, their “WHY” and to use that as a guiding compass in their lives. With that in mind, I do my best daily to live out my WHY. When I asked my youngest daughter earlier this week on what my favourite thing to do is if I had all the time in the world, she replied without hesitation, “Coaching!”. I am encouraged and touched by her response as her candid reply affirmed that I am living an aligned life with my purpose. My children see me living it out, loud and clear!
What do you want your legacy to be?
As for impacting the women in your life, one way to do that is to make and build a network of women who share your ideals and values. I found such an avenue through the LeanIn Circles organised under the umbrella of LeanIn. Visit https://leanin.org/ for more information on how to join a Circle meeting or even start one. I run my own LeanIn Circle called Purposeful Women of Faith and we meet regularly on a monthly basis. The women in my Circle come from different walks of life. However, when we share our stories, we find commonality in our successes and struggles. When we know we’re not alone, when someone else has faced a similar situation, we draw strength from their lessons learnt. When we have something to celebrate and can do it openly and honestly in a group of women who do not judge or compare, we are able to really enjoy that success. We feel safe. We feel appreciated. We feel understood.
For the entire month of March, I’ll be hosting open meetings for women to come together to:
Make new connections and widen their network;
Share a celebration story for the purpose of encouraging other women;
Find support in a situation where you feel you are alone in.
These 45-minutes sessions will be held on Tuesday nights and Friday lunch time (all in Singapore time - you can convert to your time zone here) for the entire month of March. If you are interested, please complete this Google form with your preferred date and time slot(s). [Drop me an email at jennytoh@riverlifecoaching.com if you are not able to have access to the Google form]
Attend just one session or as many as you like. Let's come together to support each other and to know that no matter what our challenges are, we are not alone. Attend with an open mind, free of judgment. Attend with an open heart and curiosity. Attend with love and empathy.
See you there!
“We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.”
Help! I’m Hijacked!
“When you’re centred, your emotions are not hijacking you.”
Photo by Jem Sahagun on Unsplash
“I’m sick and tired of you!”
“You’re horrible!”
“How could you do this to me?
“Don’t you care?”
“You’re so stupid!”
“I hate you!!”
You’ve probably said some, if not all, of the above words before when you were overwhelmed with anger, particularly towards someone close to you. You would have regretted saying them. You tell yourself that these words were said in the heat of the moment and you don’t mean them. Your negative emotions were overpowering. They hijacked your rational mind. You plead temporary insanity!
I experienced a similar hijacking last weekend. My husband was stressed and upset because he couldn’t get hold of a customer service officer of the water company to discuss an issue with our water bill. He had planned to do several things that morning and this unexpected hiccup took up a lot of his time. I also had plans that morning which were put on hold because my daughters came to me for help with their homework. The agreement was that my husband would help them with their school work that morning so that I have some time to work on a presentation I was going to give the following weekend. The girls didn’t want to approach him because he was like an angry bear with a sore head. I was upset and affected by the negative energy at home. I snapped at my girls even though they didn’t do anything wrong. It was only after 15 minutes or so that I realised that I was hijacked by my own negative emotions. I told my girls to let me have some time alone, after which I took deep breaths and looked at the situation objectively. What was within my control? What could I do about it? What am I to let go off?
After I regained my composure, I told my husband I needed to have the afternoon free to work on my presentation. I asked my elder daughter to help her younger sister with her homework first and then to come to me later with her own homework. I then spent half an hour listening to a coaching related video to centre myself.
The day ended well. My husband calmed down when he was left alone to sort out the issue with the water bill. He then helped both girls finish up their homework. I finished my presentation by dinner time. My husband and I had a chat about what happened in the morning and we agreed that it was the pressure of time and unmet expectations that caused the emotional hijacking for us.
Does my story resonate with you? We’re only human and we will always experience negative emotions. The important thing is to know that we are being hijacked and to stop the hijacking before we cause emotional pain to the people around us. If I were a black belt master at managing my emotions, I would have only allowed the hijacking to occur for a second or two and not 15 minutes. I acknowledge that I am a work in progress and will be better at managing my emotions as I increase my awareness in this area.
"The moment of emotional hijacking is apparent from the heart rate ... Muscles tense; it can seem hard to breathe. There is a swamp of toxic feelings, an unpleasant wash of fear and anger that seems inescapable and, subjectively, takes 'forever' to get over."
- Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
What can we do to stop our emotional hijacking?
Recognise the hijack
Firstly, we must know that we are being hijacked. We often don’t realise it when we are consumed by anger, frustration, anxiety, worry or any other form of strong negative emotions. The next time you feel any negative emotion, feel it in your body. See where it shows up and if there is any pain, tension or tightness. When I had that hijacking episode, I felt an increase in my heart rate and there was tension in my shoulders and neck. Once you are familiar with the physicality of your negative emotions, it will help you recognise the emotional hijacking before you are consumed by it.
Centre ourselves
So, you know you’re hijacked and now you want to regain your composure. What do you do? For me, I find that taking deep breaths and at times, walking away from the stressful situation and finding a quiet place to calm down helps. If I cannot leave the place, I just stand still, close my eyes and take deep breaths. I have done this before when I had heated arguments with my husband and son. Another approach that has helped me is to question the cause of my negative emotion. Was it due to the act of the other person or was it my own perception of the situation? More often than not, I realised that I reacted negatively because of my own judgment of the situation and in my earlier example, because of my unmet needs and expectations.
Take time when you are relaxed to think about the ways that has worked to help you stay calm and focused. Then, decide on an approach to use when the next emotional hijacking occurs.
Take positive actions
You’ve stopped the hijacking and you’re now feeling calm and centred. You can now decide how to handle the situation appropriately. As in my example, I chose to express what I needed from my husband, delegated what I can to my daughters and allowed myself to let go of the things that are beyond my control. I told myself to stay focused on finishing my presentation and had an open and honest discussion about the incident with my husband later that evening. Be proactive rather than reactive. Decide on taking the steps that will improve the situation. Be kind to yourself and let others know that you need their help. Be honest about your feelings and expectations in your communications with the people who matter to you.
Managing emotions is a skill. As with the mastery of any skill, it will take practice, persistence and patience. There will be days when you are fully in control of your emotions and there will be days when you drop the ball. It is fine. The important thing is you keep at it and not be disheartened.
If you want to explore coaching with me to help you understand and manage your emotions better, drop me a note here or schedule a free 30-minutes discovery call here. I’m happy to support you!
“It is a choice. No matter how frustrating or boring or constraining or painful or oppressive our experience, we can always choose how we respond.”
― Edith Eger, American psychologist