Water Off A Duck’s Back
“Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.” - Elvis Presley, American singer
Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash
Water off a duck’s back. What does this idiom mean? Cambridge Dictionary explained that if criticisms and insults are like water off a duck’s back to you, these hurtful words will have no effect on you. Wouldn’t that be great? If only we have a secret tool to insulate ourselves from all the hurt and pain caused by the criticisms we receive. Imagine the peace and serenity we will enjoy!
The reality is that we will always receive criticisms. People have a tendency to spot what is lacking in us and often point it out to us without thinking of the impact of their words. Some even believe that by criticising us, they are actually helping us because if we do not know our shortcomings, how are we to improve?
My elder daughter was sharing about what one of her classmates said to her during her physical education class last week. They were having a friendly skipping competition and her classmate criticised her for not being skilful at “double dutch” - that’s jumping in between 2 rotating skipping ropes in opposite directions simultaneously. She told my daughter that if she couldn’t do that, they will lose and they didn’t want her in the team. My daughter was obviously upset by this statement and her classmate’s words affected her performance that day. What happened with that competition? They didn’t win but from what I understood from my daughter, it wasn’t just due to her not doing the double dutch move properly but that another team was more skilful. Nevertheless, this episode left a bitter aftertaste and my daughter now keeps a distance from her classmate
I’m sure we have all experienced similar instances in our lives. The unduly harsh comments dished out to us by our manager when we didn’t deliver the assignment as per his expectations. The snide remarks said in passing by a family member which seemed uncalled for to us. The hurtful words said in the heat of the moment when our spouse was angry with us. The impact of these words lasts. They affect the way we view these relationships if we don’t do something proactive about it.
So, what can we do?
“Often those that criticize others reveal what he himself lacks.”
-- Shannon L. Alder, American author
Do nothing
We decide not to do anything, telling ourselves that we cannot change the person and just accept what was said. However, this also means that the relationship remains the same and the person may not even be aware that we were hurt by his/her words. If we do not deal with our unresolved emotions, we will eventually become resentful and may even bear a grudge against that person.
Walk away
We decide to end the relationship. Cease all communication with the person and distance ourselves. That is what my daughter is attempting to do with her classmate although practically, it is not workable given that they are still classmates. We may not be able to walk away more so when the relationship in question is with a family member or a close friend. We may also lose out on the gifts and joys of that relationship if we give up on it simply because we are hurt.
Take a step back
You realise that you don’t want the relationship to remain at status quo and you can’t walk away from it either. So, what do you do? You take a step back to re-evaluate the relationship. What can you do that is within your control to improve the relationship? If the person has a tendency of criticising you harshly and is not open to listen to your perspective, consider if you want to improve this relationship or decide to create boundaries with this person?
If you wish to improve this relationship, firstly, think about how you can mend your hurt feelings and to deal with any unresolved emotions. Then, consider the best way to communicate your hurt feelings to this person. Avoid coming from a place of blame. Express yourself by using “I” words e.g. “When you said ______, I felt _________.” Ask the person for the reason and intention behind those hurtful words. Be prepared that the person may not be willing to communicate openly. If you reach a stone wall in communicating with this person, you will then have to decide if you have done all that you can to improve the relationship.
If you decide to create boundaries with this person, articulate clearly in your mind the behaviours you can accept and tolerate and those that are not acceptable. If possible, communicate your boundaries with this person for mutual understanding. You may also consider taking some time apart if the circumstances allow it.
When you have more time to reflect, look at this person from a strength’s perspective. What are his/her strengths that you appreciate and admire? Consider whether the hurtful words said were part of a pattern or a one-off incident. Are you judging the situation or are you able to look at it objectively? How important is this relationship to you?
We are human and we have the tendency to hurt those closest to us. The important thing is to understand your needs, the other person’s needs and the common ground between the two which will allow the relationship to thrive. Remember to be kind to yourself as well as to the other person.
I leave you with this quote from Bernard Baruch, an American financier:
“One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before going to bed.”
Is the relationship worth salvaging despite the hurtful words said? If yes, will you be willing to forgive?
Drop me a note here if you want to explore how my one-to-one coaching sessions can help you manage your emotions during difficult times and improve your relationships.
How Do You Speak Love?
“For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships.
Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.”
- Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages
As Valentine’s Day is around the corner, today’s post will be about the ways in which we communicate love to others and our expectations of how love is to be communicated to us. The 5 Love Languages written by Dr. Gary Chapman was first published in 1992. To me, this book is an oldie but a goodie! Dr. Chapman’s work is based on the premise that each of us communicates love in different ways. Once we understand how a person gives and receives love, we will be able to develop a better relationship with him/her.
What are the 5 Love Languages?
Words of Affirmation - we feel loved when we receive positive and encouraging words from the people who matter to us. These words can be in the form of praise, appreciation, validation and compliment.
Acts of Service - love is expressed when others do things for us, often things that we are not able to do as we’re busy or stressed or chores that we dislike.
Receiving Gifts - it is not the gift alone that signifies the love shown but the thought, time and effort put into the gift that matters.
Quality Time - we know we are loved when the other person gives us undivided attention. This may take the form of being fully present and listening without judgment.
Physical Touch - affection is shown physically in both sexual and non-sexual ways such as holding hands and hugging.
My love language is primarily receiving gifts and this is also the way I show love to others. I enjoy figuring out the types of gifts that will make my family and friends happy. I love the expression on their faces when the gifts I chose for them were exactly what they wanted. I also have an inclination towards words of affirmation as I show my love by encouraging others. When I receive words of affirmation, I feel energised and appreciated. My husband, on the other hand, is not a gift giver. He is also an introvert and expressing emotions is not second nature to him. His love language is acts of service. I recalled that in our early years of marriage, we often misunderstood our expressions of love for each other. I thought that my husband didn’t love me as much as I love him because he didn’t buy gifts for me unless it was my birthday or Christmas and he didn’t express his love for me in words. What I failed to see was that he consistently did the chores even after long days at work without complaints. He was frustrated with me as I didn’t seem to appreciate his acts of service. We were both expecting love to be shown to us in the language we were fluent in but which was not the natural language for the giver.
I’m relieved that after 18 years of marriage, we have learnt to speak each other’s love languages to a large extent. We’re both still work in progress in this area but there are definitely improvements. My husband says, “I love you” almost on a daily basis and takes time to affirm me in the areas that matters to me. He’s still not a big gift giver but I’ve come to terms with that. As for me, I take time to notice and appreciate his acts of service around the home, for me and for the kids. I am mindful not to take him for granted when he completes chores which no one else does. It has taken us time, patience and empathy to work on understanding each other better. As we grow older, quality time together is growing on us too as a common love language. I believe that although we have our primary love languages, there are instances where the other love languages resonate with us once we take the focus away from ourselves and pay keen attention to what the other wants.
My teenage son’s love language has changed as he is going through a self-discovery phase. His love language used to be receiving gifts but I’ve noticed over recent years, quality time and words of affirmation mean more to him. As for my daughters, the elder girl definitely enjoys quality time with me and my younger daughter loves hugs and kisses. I am intentional about setting aside one-to-one time with each of them throughout the week to ensure that they are loved in the way that speaks the loudest for them.
If you do not know what your love language is, you can take the quizzes found in Dr. Chapman’s website at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/. There are different quizzes for couples, singles, teens and children.
““Real love" - This kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.”
― Dr. Gary Chapman
So, you have taken the quiz and so have those whom you love. You know each other’s love languages. Now what?
Check in with yourself. Do you agree with the results of the quiz? If not, what do you think your love language is? Think about how you have shown love to others. Also, consider how you felt when love was received by you in a different love language.
Check with the people you love. Do they agree with their results? Have an open discussion on how to show love to each other. What has worked in the past? What could be done differently?
Stay curious and have fun! It’s all about keeping the communications line open, suspending judgment and being present and intentional when showing love.
If you have been going through a rough patch in your relationships, be it from a communication viewpoint or past hurts and resentment and want to explore coaching to improve your relationships, drop me a note here or schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call with me!
“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.”
Not Enough Time?
“You don’t build the life you want by saving time. You build the life you want, and then time saves itself. Recognizing that is what makes success possible.”
― Laura Vanderkam, American author
Photo by insung yoon on Unsplash
Not enough time? Ask yourself, “What are my priorities?”
In my Purposeful Women of Faith Circle meeting last month, we shared openly and honestly about our struggles with time management. We all wear many hats - boss, employee, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend … the list goes on. We only have 24 hours each day. How do we find time to fulfil all our obligations, complete the tasks on our to-do lists and carve out “me time” to rest and recharge? Thinking about it even now is exhausting!
Laura Vanderkam, author of I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make the Most of Their Time, shared a different perspective of looking at time management in her 2016 Ted talk.
(Send me an email if the video link is not working.)
Our focus is always on time itself or in most cases, the lack of it or how quickly it slips by. Laura shared in this Ted talk that our focus should not be on time but on our priorities. What is important for us that we will set aside time for it? In the example she shared, we may not have 7 hours in the week to train for a triathlon but we will carve out 7 hours the same week to fix the broken water heater which had caused flooding in our house. She said, “We cannot make more time, but time will stretch to accommodate what we choose to put into it.”
Her interviewee said, “Listen Laura, everything I do, every minute I spend, is my choice." And rather than say, "I don't have time to do x, y or z," I'd say, "I don't do x, y or z because it's not a priority." "I don't have time," often means "It's not a priority."”
As we discussed this video in our meeting, these were some of the insights shared:
We, as a family, got together towards the year end and made SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-Bound) goals as individuals and as a family so that we have clear focus throughout the rest of this year.
There is a need to be intentional about making time for the priorities in my life. Otherwise, I run the risk of letting things slide due to fatigue and distractions.
I want to make decisions where my “Yes” and “No” will bring me closer to my goals. I want to be intentional in my thinking and making the best use of my time.
When I look at my to-do list, there are items in there that will never be crossed away. I want to take a cold hard look at them and just remove them from the list. They may not happen now in this phase of my life but it doesn’t mean that they will never happen.
How will my usage of my time serve my higher purpose as a person? Do I make myself a priority or do I neglect to care for myself?
“If you seek tranquillity, do less. Or (more accurately) do what’s essential ... and in the requisite way. Which brings a double satisfaction: to do less, better. Because most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you’ll have more time, and more tranquillity. Ask yourself at every moment, ‘Is this necessary?’”
Laura recommended creating a three-category priority list: career, relationships and self. “Making a three-category list reminds us that there should be something in all three categories. Career, we think about; relationships, self -- not so much. But anyway, just a short list, two to three items in each. Then look out over the whole of the next week, and see where you can plan them in.”
Most of us will find planning and thinking about our careers a natural thing to do given all the objectives setting exercises and performance reviews that we have done in our professional lives. However, do we really plan priorities in our career? More often than not, we are just fighting fire and hurriedly meeting deadlines and expectations imposed on us. As for relationships, do we really plan for time to be spent with our loved ones or do they get our “leftover” time? I believe the category that is often forgotten is self. The aeroplane oxygen mask analogy reminds me that we are to put on our oxygen masks first before we help others put on theirs. We will be of no use to anyone if we don’t look after ourselves. It’s instinctive that we rush to take care of others but if we are running on empty physically, mentally and emotionally, we may do more harm than good.
Depending on your planning style and phase in life, you may be thinking of a daily, weekly or monthly list or even a big picture annual plan. Do what will work best for your circumstances. Ponder on these questions as you contemplate your three-category priority list.
What are the “must-haves” for my three-categories of career, relationships and self?
Why are these priorities important to me?
How do I ensure that they happen?
What might get in the way?
If you desire support in working out your priorities to build a life that you want, reach out to me here to find out more about one-to-one coaching or group coaching if you prefer to gain support from like-minded individuals in a safe and non-judgmental space.
“He who every morning plans the transactions of that day and follows that plan carries a thread that will guide him through the labyrinth of the most busy life.”
- Victor Hugo, French poet and novelist
What’s the Colour of Your Lens?
“We must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as the world we see, and that the lens itself shapes how we interpret the world. ”
Photo by Sebastian Coman Travel on Unsplash
I was listening to an interesting conversation which my husband had with my elder daughter several nights ago. She was struggling with a subject that she was not keen on. My husband showed her a glass of water and asked her what she saw. She said, “Daddy, it’s a glass of water.” He then asked her to wear an old pair of orange tinted sunglasses and asked her to look at the glass again. She was reluctant as she didn’t see where this conversation was going. Nevertheless, she decided to humour my husband and play along. My husband showed her the glass of water again and asked her what she saw. Her reply was, “It’s now orange.” My husband said, “Yes, it now looks like orange juice, doesn’t it?” She still didn’t understand the link between the glass of water with her dislike of this particular subject. My husband explained that the water looked like orange juice because she looked through a different coloured lens from her original spectacles. That’s how it is with her view of that subject. If she took the view that it was difficult and that she was never going to master it, it is going to be an uphill task for her to make any progress. However, if she looked at it as a new subject, one that she didn’t take up last year and that all she needs is some time to learn and understand the topics, her learning journey will be more pleasant and engaging. She may even end up enjoying her lessons on this subject!
What came up for you as I recounted this exchange between my husband and my daughter? Have you experienced a similar conversation before? Do you feel stuck in a situation where you are not able to see a way out? Will it help you to have a perspective change to your current circumstances? What’s the colour of your lens?
“What is behind your eyes holds more power than what is in front of them. ”
When something unfortunate happens to you, how do you react? What’s your default response? More often than not, we view the event negatively. For example, your car breaks down and you end up being late for work. You are immediately frustrated and angry. Perhaps, you even blame yourself for not maintaining the car well and would have prevented this outcome. You tell yourself that this is a useless piece of junk and you will never buy this particular car again! You make it to work in a foul mood. The rest of your day progresses horribly with endless unreasonable demands and things going wrong. You go home feeling drained and demotivated.
Is this your reality?
What would your day look like if you reacted differently to the same situation? Instead of feeling frustrated and angry, you calmly accept that your car broke down and make the necessary arrangements to have it repaired. You call your secretary to let her know that you will be late and to have her reschedule some non-urgent meetings. The first thing you do when you reach the office is to adjust and prioritise your to-do list. You’re realistic on what you can reasonably accomplish for the day and do not blame yourself for the unfortunate episode. You take the bus home and find the change of scenery surprisingly refreshing. You are grateful to be able to have dinner with your family and it is a peaceful end to your day.
Is this your reality?
We all desire the second outcome to be our reality. It is difficult to suspend our automatic reaction, slow down and consciously choose a different reaction, one that will serve us better.
Here are 3 simple tips to practise when you next face an unforeseen glitch in your daily life.
PAUSE - Recognise that you are tensing up and feeling negative emotions towards the event. What can you do to stop yourself from being hijacked by your negative emotions? Will taking closing your eyes and taking a few deep breaths help? Will moving physically help? Experiment with a few different things and see what works best for you. Once you have identified the action that can help you stop the automatic emotional reaction, keep using and practising it so that it becomes second nature to you the next time you are affected by negative emotions.
ACCEPT - Accept the facts of the situation calmly without judgment and attachment. If your child’s teacher calls you from school to speak about your child’s misdemeanour, don’t overreact and jump to conclusions about the situation. Meet with the teacher and keep an open mind. If you receive a negative performance review from your manager, don’t view it as the “be all and end all” of your career. Accept the feedback constructively and see what you can learn from it to improve yourself.
CONVERT - Once you have stopped the emotional hijack and accepted the situation as it is, what can you do to minimise the damage and improve the situation? Think of ways to convert the situation into a learning experience, a reminder to do things differently and perhaps, even a gift. Admittedly, it takes a lot more mental discipline to view unfortunate events as gifts for you to grow as a person but the gifts are there. You may not see them immediately and it may take a long time before you discover the gifts in difficult circumstances. The main thing is to be open to the possibilities and opportunities this experience has for you. If you reflect on your own life experiences, you will realise that it is during the adverse times in your life that you have grown stronger and wiser as a person.
Take some time to think about the type of lens that you typically view your world through. If you require support to have a change in the colour of your lens, reach out to me here to find out more about my coaching programs.
“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Conspiracy Theory
“Conspiracy theory is the ultimate refuge of the powerless. If you cannot change your own life, it must be that some greater force controls the world.”
Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash
My pastor delivered an interesting sermon several Sundays ago. He declared that we are all conspiracy theorists! He then qualified that he was not referring to the global conspiracy theories. Side note: One of my favourite conspiracy theories is the Roswell UFO incident. There were speculations that an unidentified flying object crashed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947 and the U.S. Government spent years covering that up. (Side note: Yes, I was a big X Files fan back in the 1990s and still love the series! My husband bought me the box set of the entire series as my Christmas present 3 years ago.)
Okay, back to my pastor’s sermon. What he meant was that we have a tendency to blame everyone else when something unpleasant happens to us. For example, John didn’t get the promotion he wanted. He was upset and disappointed. He blamed his manager and HR for being biased against him. In his mind, he drew comfort thinking that his manager always favoured his colleague because they had better rapport. The HR manager didn’t like him because he didn’t graduate from an ivy league university. His colleague was much better at showcasing his expertise and to be honest, he was too much of a braggart. John’s conspiracy theory was that the odds were stacked against him and everyone was out to get him. He couldn’t stand a chance. He ended up being demotivated and became unproductive at work. It turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy and he was eventually demoted, resulting in his departure from the organisation with bitterness and resentment.
How true was his conspiracy theory? We will never know. However, he may have reached a better outcome if he took this incident as an opportunity for learning and growth. He could have arranged for a one-to-one meeting with his manager to discuss career progression planning. If he felt that his technical skills needed brushing up, he could have considered enrolling in top-up courses to improve himself. As for his colleague’s behaviour, he could have accepted that everyone behaves differently and find ways to shine in the workplace which worked for him.
Have you ever thought and behaved like John before? Are you a conspiracy theorist? It happens to all of us. What thoughts race through your mind when your manager walks past you in the hallway without acknowledging your presence? Do you automatically assume you’re in his bad books?
What about when your spouse returns home without saying a word? Do you jump to the conclusion that he is selfish and doesn’t care about you? Do your thoughts spiral down the slippery slope as you think about all his negative traits and question why you married him in the first place?
Okay, hold on, you say! That’s crazy! I am not like that!
I agree that not all our conspiracy theories are that far-fetched but more often than not, most of us do not take responsibility for our thoughts, behaviours and actions. We run on auto-pilot mode and just react with the strongest emotion we feel when triggered by unpleasant events. We blame the weather and traffic (or bad internet connection!) for being late for our meetings. We blame our kids for not being responsible with their chores and that’s why our homes are messy. We blame the government and the economy for lack of job opportunities. We blame the pandemic for all the unfortunate events in our lives last year. It is so easy to fall into the blame trap. We don’t have to take ownership of anything. We just lament that life is so unfair!
Photo by Roman Mager on Unsplash
E + R = O
E = Events in our lives
R = Our Response to those Events
O - The Outcomes we experience
I first learnt this principle from Jack Canfield, the author of The Success Principles (TM): How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. What are we supposed to focus on in this equation of E+R=O?
It's not the E and it's not the O. You're right! It's the R.
There are only 3 Responses that we can truly have any control over:
- Our behaviours
- Our thoughts
- Our visual imagery - what we think the future will be
When you change your Rs to the Es in your life, you will eventually obtain the Os you desire.
It does sound easy but putting this simple equation into practice is difficult. It takes intentionality, conscious reflection and discipline not to live our lives on auto-pilot mode. If you take the example of John, blaming others and wallowing in self-pity is easy. John didn’t have to do anything except whine and complain.
If he had taken the other approach to learn and grow from the missed promotion opportunity, he would have needed to make the effort to schedule the meeting with his manager, to upskill himself and to focus on personal growth and improvement instead of focusing on how others may seem better than him.
How do we get into the habit on focusing on our Rs? I ask myself these three questions. I find that they help me pause, take a step back and move into higher sage thinking, uncluttered by the emotions I feel about the situation:
What is within my control?
What is not within my control which I have to accept and let go of?
What can I do that is within my control to improve the situation?
You don’t have to ask these questions sequentially or all of them at the same time. In the case of the ongoing pandemic, there are so many things that are not within our control. When we start to accept our present situation, we will start to feel a sense of peace even though the situation remains the same. We start to focus on what we can do within our power to make the acceptance a little easier.
It has been a year now since I visited my parents. Cross border travel between Singapore and Malaysia is still on a restricted basis. We will not be able to visit them during the Lunar New Year in February. How can I make my acceptance of this situation easier? I call them more often, I write to them and I spend a lot of time praying for them. It gives me comfort, knowing and trusting that God is in control of our lives even when I am not able to be physically near them.
You can’t determine the events that happen in your lives. However, when you actively make choices towards the type of responses you want to have towards these events, there is a higher likelihood that the outcomes will be better. Even if things don’t turn out as desired, you would be able to see the outcomes from a calmer, bigger picture perspective when you take the time to reflect and make conscious effort to choose your responses.
Do you need help to work on applying this simple equation of E+R=O in your life? Reach out to me here to get started on living a more conscious and purposeful life.
Remember to book your complimentary 30-minutes coaching session which is my Christmas gift to each of you is still available until 30 January 2021.
“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”
Treasures of the Heart
The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be and end up being.
Matthew 6:21, The Message
I like the lesson from this Bible verse as it reminds me that whatever I focus my attention and desires on, that’s where I’ll eventually end up. For believers of the Christian faith, this verse teaches us to focus on our heavenly treasures and not on worldly treasures. It serves as a reminder for us not to fall away from our faith and to keep our eyes focused on God. Your heart’s desire is like a homing device. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we will gravitate towards what we have placed in our hearts. This applies to everyone, irrespective of beliefs.
I had an interesting conversation with my friend and peer coach, Annick about how our interest on a particular topic is magnified when we have a relationship or connection with that topic. We met virtually through a coaching program we were both enrolled in back in July 2020. She lives in New York and I live in Singapore. We have been meeting virtually on a weekly basis together with several other peer coaches for support and encouragement in our respective coaching journeys. She said that ever since she met me and Preeti, an executive coach who also lives in Singapore, she has developed a keen eye to look out for news relating to events in Singapore. Her husband and friends are pleasantly surprised by how knowledgeable she is of happenings in a country thousands of miles away from where she lives.
(By the way, check out Annick’s Facebook private group, Access Your Power Daily where she shares her wisdom and insights to help you create the change you desire in your lives! I’m an avid follower of hers!)
As we are already halfway into January 2021, what is catching your attention? What are you having a strong connection to? What is your heart telling you? Are you hopeful that your plans will fall into place? Do you focus on achieving your goals or is your mind clouded by the obstacles that lie ahead? How do you move forward with clarity and purpose even when there are naysayers in your life?
Photo by Scandinavian Backlash on Unsplash
Know your mission
What comes to mind when you think of a mission? You may relate to war movies where the troop is tasked with a mission to invade enemy territory and weaken their stronghold. The soldiers were able to stay focused and move ahead through danger and uncertainty because they were certain of their mission objectives. They focused on the end result - to win the war.
It can also mean a calling. It’s what you believe you are meant to do in your life. If you are a teacher or an educator, you may believe that your calling is to empower your students to reach their highest potential. If you are a parent, you may consider your calling is to instil the right values in your children and nurture them with love. You are passionate about your calling. You feel energised and inspired when you live out your calling. Do you know what your calling is?
Know your strategy
If you know your mission but you are not living it out now, do you have a strategy that will help you get there? What is your heart telling you to do? You may regard yourself as a level headed, rational person and “heart matters” are for those who are easily swayed by their emotions. That’s not true. Each of us have a calling. When we are not living out our calling, we feel restless. We feel that something is missing in our lives. We may suppress it, telling ourselves it’s silly to live out our dreams. It’s too late. We have responsibilities and obligations. But hold on…let’s play with this thought. What if it is not too late to pursue your dreams? What if who you are meant to be is just around the corner and all you needed to do is take that first step of faith?
As with any military mission, there is a plan, a tactical strategy to leverage on the troop’s strengths and advantages of the circumstances. When it comes to living out your calling, how well do you know yourself? What are your strengths? What can you do to harness your strengths and leverage on them to achieve your goals? Can you identify the voices in your mind that are holding you back? We all have them - the judge in us who tells us that we are not good enough, that it’s ridiculous to pursue your dreams, that you will end up losing too much - don’t rock the boat. These voices are so loud at times that you believe that they are telling the truth. The reality is that the true voice, your true self, comes from a place of empathy and wise and calm discernment without harsh judgment. It ignites your spirit of curiosity, innovation and propels you into purposeful action.
I recommend these two free assessments to help you get started to discover your core values and signature strengths as well as identify your saboteurs, those voices in your head which you think are helping you and keeping you safe but in reality, they are making life so much more difficult and challenging for you.
The VIA (Values in Action) Character Strengths Survey at https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/account/register
The Positive Intelligence Saboteurs Assessment at https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments/
Once you know who you truly are with your unique values and strengths as well as knowing your saboteurs, you will be able to plan and strategize a clear course towards your calling.
Know your troop
Now that you have a clear mission and know your strategy to complete the mission, do you know your troop? Who can support you and cheer you on when you face challenges and adversity? Who has gone ahead of you and will be able to advise and mentor you? Do you have an accountability partner? Do you have people in your life who share your passion and calling? Look out for people who can bring out the best in you and keep them close. You will be inspired and encouraged to stay on track.
Consider having a coach as a member of your troop. A coach will support you through your self-discovery journey with empathy and objectivity, always fostering a non-judgmental environment for learning, growth and forward action. Read my Testimonials page to find out how my coaching have benefited many!
Hop on over to my Appointments page to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call to learn how we can work together. Let’s get started on your mission!
P.S. My complimentary 30-minutes coaching session which is my Christmas gift to each of you is still available until 30 January 2021.
“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
“ It’s a very slow process - two steps forward, one step back - but I’m inching in the right direction. ”
Image: Getty
How has your first week of 2021 been? Have you taken down all the Christmas decorations? Were there Christmas decorations put up in the first place? I didn’t decorate my home this year. Perhaps, it was due to my busy schedule and on my “down” days, I just wanted to rest and reconnect with my family.
What about emotionally and mentally? Where are you at this week? Did you make any New Year’s resolutions? Did you see any benefits in making resolutions given that all our plans were suspended, shelved and altered last year? Is your current motto “Go with the flow”? We are all fatigued with having our plans put on hold. How can we remain positive and hopeful? What do you need to focus on to find purpose and direction this year? Are you feeling overwhelmed just by reading these questions?
Why do people make New Year’s resolutions? It’s human nature. The start of a new year signifies hope, new beginnings and the opportunity to press the reset and reboot button. We all want to start over on a fresh page and a clean state. Right our wrongs, aspire to be better. It is also difficult to change our habits and create new ones. When we fail to keep our resolutions, we are discouraged and are more inclined to give up than to pick ourselves up from the setbacks and try again.
There will be setbacks and disappointments. This doesn’t mean that we are not progressing towards our goals. Progress as defined in Collins Dictionary is the process of gradually improving or getting nearer to achieving or completing something. Note the word “gradually”. We don’t get from A to B in the speed of light. It’s a journey - a journey that has you taking two steps forward, one step back. However, as long as you are moving towards the direction of your goals, you are making progress.
As you would know from my earlier blog posts that I have a perfectionist trait (I’m working on being more relaxed about this! Work in progress! 😊). This trait shows up a lot when I parent my children especially when I have them do household chores. I have this urge to meddle and intervene to ensure that the chores are carried out my way. My “one big step back” happened several weeks ago when my youngest daughter was tidying up the dining table after dinner and I noticed she missed cleaning a part of the table. I didn’t even stop to think that she will eventually do so as she may not have noticed that part of the table yet. Instead, I “swooped in” and started to clean the table. What happened next will stay in my mind for a long time. Not a word was spoken by her but it was loud and clear in my daughter’s facial expression that I had hurt her. She just walked away, feeling dejected.
Thankfully, there are also many “two steps forward” experiences in my parenting journey. There was an episode when I asked my elder daughter to change the bedsheets in her room. I was busy with work so I didn’t check on her until several hours later. When I opened her room door, I found her amidst the changed sheets, beaming proudly. She said to me in jest, “See, it’s all done! You didn’t even have to come over to nag me to do it!”
The lesson I learnt from these two incidents is that there will be days when I get it all wrong but the main thing is to be kind to myself and recognise that I am progressing to be a better parent. My children are my greatest teachers! The important thing is not to give up on the progress during the times when I stumble, to remember to pick myself up and keep moving forward.
Photo by Erik Witsoe on Unsplash
What can help you retain that forward-momentum mindset to achieve your goals?
Acknowledge and accept that there will be setbacks
There will be days when you make mistakes at work, say something hurtful to your loved ones, fall off the wagon with your diet and exercise routine or resume an old bad habit. The key thing to remember is not to beat yourself up about it but to learn from the setbacks. Use these lessons to get back on track.
P.S. I have since resisted the urge to intervene when my youngest daughter clears the table after dinner. She was surprised when I didn’t meddle that she came up to me one evening to ask if everything was ok! 😉
Celebrate the successes
Most of us have the tendency to be critical when we make mistakes. Let’s have a perspective shift! Look out for the small victories and celebrate them. If your goal is to speak up more at the workplace, recognise your efforts when you say your piece in a meeting, even if it was only two sentences. You can celebrate in a variety of ways. Some like enjoying a hot cup of coffee (I know I do!) or a nice snack. Some like “me-time” or time with their loved ones. Others may find retail therapy or a Netflix binge session rewarding. Find one that really encourages you to celebrate your successes!
Cement the “Why” of your goals
Consider why you made these goals in the first place. What is their importance to you? What would happen when you achieve them? What will it cost you if you didn’t progress? Visualise what it will look like when you have achieved your goals. If it’s to be promoted at work, visualise what that will look like, how it will make you feel and the impact of this outcome on you and your loved ones. If it’s to reach your ideal weight, visualise what you will look like in your new dress or suit. If it’s to have more work life balance, visualise your ideal day 6 months from now. What are the feelings that come up for you when you have these visualisations? Hold on to them, remember them when things get rough and patchy. Some may find journaling their thoughts and feelings from these visualisations useful. Others may prefer just to share their realisations with a trusted family member or friend. Again, find what works best for you to cement your reasons for wanting to achieve these goals.
I’m happy to support you as your coach to help you cement the “Why” of your goals and to keep progressing towards them. Drop me a note here or reach out to me by clicking on any of the social media icons below. By doing so, you’re taking your two steps forward!
Remember to book your complimentary 30-minutes coaching session here. This is my Christmas gift to each of you for an extended period until 30 January 2021.
“Every choice moves us closer to or farther away from something. Where are your choices taking your life?”
The Braided Truth
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
Photo courtesy of https://hairstylecamp.com/kids-braided-ponytail/
It was the night before the last day of the school year. My elder daughter came into my room and asked me if I could tie 2 ponytail braids for her tomorrow morning. I smiled and asked her why because she normally wore her hair in a single ponytail. She said that she just wanted to look her best tomorrow because she was happy.
Given how busy my weekday mornings are with helping everyone get ready for school and work, I was reluctant to agree to her request. I explained that tying the two braids will take some time and I wasn’t sure if I have enough time to do so. She thought for a while and then told me that she will wake up earlier to allow for more time for me to tie her hair. This was a big ask for her as she was not a natural early riser.
I eventually agreed, seeing how determined she was with her request. The next day came and true to her word, she was up early, all dressed. She finished her breakfast faster than she normally would. I delivered my end of the promise and saw a very happy girl leave home with neatly tied ponytail braids.
When I met her at school later that afternoon, my daughter looked sad when I greeted her. I asked her what was wrong. She said that one of her good friends questioned her about her choice of hairstyle and criticized the way she looked. I believe that it was an innocent comment on her friend’s part but those words hurt my daughter. No one likes negative remarks. It also hurt her because it was her good friend who said those words. They were said by someone she liked and trusted.
You may think this little story is trivial and such interactions only happen among children. That is true to a certain extent but have a think - how often do we as adults experience similar invalidations? How many times have we been dismissed, put down or criticized simply due to how we looked or what we said or did, just because it was not aligned with what people expected of us?
My daughter’s friend probably remarked that way because she wasn’t used to seeing my daughter wear her hair in braids. It didn’t gel with her idea of how my daughter should look. She may just not like that look herself and couldn’t understand why my daughter wore that hairstyle. Isn’t it common that we react negatively to people or circumstances that we don’t understand?
As we walked home, I asked my daughter that putting aside her friend’s comments, what did she think about how she looked? She was quiet for a spell and then with conviction in her eyes, she said, “I look very nice. I don’t care that [her friend’s name] didn’t like it. I like my braids and that’s what matters!” With that, she walked ahead of me, hand in hand with her younger sister as they both chatted about their day.
I watched her with pride. My daughter has a strong understanding and appreciation of her self-worth. In her own way, she understood that there will always be people who will put you down. These instances will hurt her but it was up to her to choose to either stay in that hurt or release that feeling and focus on the present moment. She did just that by enjoying the walk home with her mother and younger sister.
Photo by Jurate Cesnaite on Unsplash
“Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice - a conscious choice of how we want to live. Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen!”
As you reflect on Brene Brown’s words, what do your collection of choices say about who you are? Do they reflect your values and purpose? Will you be proud of your choices when your children see you in action? Will you cringe with discomfort if they knew what you did on a daily basis? What is the price that you are paying for compromising your true self just to fit in? Is it a necessary cost, one that you think needs to be paid in order for you to excel in your career and life? Ask yourself - do I have a choice to be truly authentic?
Here’s my suggestion of 3 takeaways for you to experiment on as you contemplate how to remain true to your authentic self in all situations:
Acknowledge
Take some time as you wind down this month to rediscover who you truly are. What are your passions? What gives you joy? What are your non-negotiables - values that you cannot compromise? What or who matters most to you? Acknowledge all these statements and traits that form who you are.
Accept
Be honest with yourself and accept that there are things that you may never be an expert at no matter how much learning and training you put into them. You don’t have to be a square peg trying to force your way into a round hole. Once you accept your shortcomings and embrace them, you will find it easier to make the choices to be authentic.
Activate
Once you have acknowledged what constitutes your authentic self and accept your flaws, it is now time to activate your goals. Plan for the coming year. What do you want to do that resonates with your purpose? Who do you need to engage for support and to keep you accountable? What resources do you need? How will you stay focus and keep on track?
If these ideas resonate with you and you want to delve deeper into them, you can contact me here for a complimentary 30 minutes coaching session to get clear on what really matters for you as you start the new year.
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
Walking a Mile in Another’s Shoes
“You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”
Photo by Frank Busch on Unsplash
We have all heard the saying that we don’t really know what is going on in a person’s life until we wear his/her shoes and start walking in them.
“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
– Atticus Finch in To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
That’s empathy. It means that we have the ability to understand another’s feelings as though we are experiencing them ourselves. Sympathy, on the other hand, is feeling sorry that an unfortunate event happened in another person’s life. A simple way to understand the difference between sympathy and empathy is sympathy means saying, “I’m sorry for your loss." and empathy may just mean sitting quietly with the person during the difficult period. This image courtesy of https://www.grammarly.com/blog/empathy-sympathy/ provides an illustration of this distinction.
A recent event in my home deepened my understanding of empathy. One evening after all of us had finished our dinner, I asked my youngest daughter, age 8, to help me clear the table and wipe the table top. I asked her in haste and dashed off to take a coaching call. When I finished my call an hour later, I went to my daughters’ room to see what they were doing. My youngest was very quiet and didn’t want to look at me. I tried to get her to tell me what troubled her but she refused to say anything Even her elder sister didn’t know what had happened. I went to bed puzzled, unable to solve this mystery.
The next morning, as I was tying my daughter’s hair to be ready for school, she finally opened up and told me what made her upset. She said, “Mummy, you were very rude yesterday and you didn’t say ‘thank you’.” At first, I didn’t understand what she meant. Then, it hit me. She was upset because I didn’t thank her for helping me with the after-dinner chores last night. She felt unappreciated and taken for granted. I immediately apologised to her and admitted that I was wrong to be curt with her when asking her for her help.
What’s my learning on empathy in this scenario? My daughter worked hard to clear and clean the table. I failed to put myself in her shoes to fully appreciate her efforts. In my mind at that time, it was a small chore and I didn’t think it was important to give her recognition for it. I was wrong. It may seem small to me but to an eight-year-old girl who was told abruptly by her mother to carry out the task without any sign of warmth or love, it was cruel. Her mother didn’t even thank her. Her mother didn’t even know why she was upset. My ignorance made it sting even more for her.
Photo by Ed Robertson on Unsplash
What should I have done differently?
Pause
I should have just stopped. I still had 10 minutes before my call so there was still time for me to ask my daughter for her help in a nicer way. There was no real urgency for me to leave the dining room. I made it urgent as I was thinking of the time required to switch on the laptop and log onto Zoom. However, this urgency was self-imposed. I could have easily sent a text message to my client to inform her that I will be 5 minutes late. She would understand as we have a good working relationship. If I had paused and approach my daughter in a loving way, we would have spared ourselves the agony of a miserable night.
Listen
I should have listened to her, not just in terms of her words but also listen to what her body language was telling me. I should have been fully present with her. If I was present in the moment, I would have noticed that she too, was tired after a long day at school but she was willing to help me out cheerfully because she loves me. I would have noticed that she really wanted to please me by doing a good job with her chores. I would have realised that she wanted to hear my words of appreciation. A hug on the spot would have been perfect for her.
Relate
By pausing and listening to my daughter, I would have been able to relate with her better. Yes, to an adult, the chore was easy and menial. To a child, she would have taken extra care to carry the porcelain plates and bowls to the kitchen for washing. She would meticulously wipe the entire surface of the dining table, making sure it was spick and span. I would have remembered that she always takes pride in doing her tasks well. She may even have inherited my “perfectionist” gene! As she had put so much effort and diligence in this task, it was a big blow to her that her mother didn’t even notice this. To make it worse, her mother also didn’t even realise how much this upset her when her efforts were not seen or appreciated. What could I have done differently to relate better to her? I should have told her how much I appreciated her efforts in helping out earlier. I would tell her that I am grateful that with her help, I could make it to my coaching call on time. I would let her know that she has always been a great support to me and how much I love her for just being who she is.
Can you imagine how different that evening would have been if I just practised empathy? I would have a very happy eight-year-old girl who thinks the world of her mother and I would be filled with love and gratitude. This simple incident has left a strong impact on me. It serves as a reminder that I need to be more present with my children and the people I interact with. There is no need to rush. The price of my hurry and impatience was that I caused my little girl pain and sadness. This is definitely a lesson that will stay with me.
What are your thoughts as you read this post? Do you also struggle with practising empathy in your life? Do you feel that you are always rushing and you end up hurting the people who matter most to you? Do you want to find a better, slower way of living - to be more present? Reach out to me here to schedule a complimentary 30 minutes discovery call to find out how I can support you as your coach.
“In an age of speed, I began to think, nothing could be more invigorating than going slow. In an age of distraction, nothing can feel more luxurious than paying attention.” — Pico Iyer, British essayist
What’s Your Superpower?
“As it turned out, if you look at the history, everything in superhero comic books pretty much lies between Superman and Batman: Superman being the greatest superhero there is, and Batman being the one of the few superheroes who has no superpowers and is, in fact, not a superhero.”
I’m more of a Batman fan. Why? Something about the darker side of him appeals to me. He suffered a terrible tragedy when he lost his parents. His rage for revenge initially consumed him but he turned it around and used it as a powerful, relentless motivation for him to cleanse the City of Gotham. It’s a fantastic turnaround story!
I also like the humanity of Batman. He struggles with his dark side. He puts up a facade when he is out and about as billionaire Bruce Wayne. He doesn’t let anyone get too close to him. He is still hurting.
Aren’t we all like Batman in some ways? We all have our secrets. We are worried that if people knew our secrets, they won’t like us anymore. We put up a brave front in public. We tell everyone that we are fine when deep down inside, we feel lost and empty.
One lesson we can learn from Batman is that no matter how broken we are, we can consciously choose to still do good in this world. We don’t have to be perfect to make a difference.
Anyway, my children and I were casually discussing the types of superpowers we would like to have. This conversation started when my girls asked me about why I enjoyed watching the reruns of Heroes. Heroes is an American TV series (2006-2010) set around the stories of ordinary people who discover that they have superhuman abilities and how these abilities take effect in the characters' lives as they work together to prevent catastrophic futures.
So, if you could have a superpower, what would it be?
My elder daughter said she would like to be invisible as she could move around unnoticed. She could go about doing the things she wanted to do without me or her teachers stopping her. As for my younger girl, she wanted the power of flight. She said it was tiring for her to walk to school daily so it would be so much easier if she could just fly there. She also liked the idea of flying as it’s just fun!
What powers did I choose? Well, I was toying between being a mind reader and having the ability to travel through time. If I were a mind reader, it would definitely make understanding people so much easier. It would be a great coaching tool too! As for time travelling, it’s something I’ve always been fascinated with as I’m a big fan of Quantum Leap, another American TV series (1989-1993). The hero, Dr. Sam Beckett, a physicist who leaps through space and time during an experiment in time travel, by temporarily taking the place of other people to correct historical mistakes. Each episode begins with the narrator saying, “Trapped in the past, Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, putting things right that once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.”
I would travel back in time to correct my countless mistakes as well as prevent others from making bad choices in their lives. As I am a planner and struggle with uncertainties and the great unknown, my power of time travel will allow me to see the outcomes of the future and be assured that the decisions that I make today are the right ones.
What are our choices of superpowers really saying about our deepest desires? There is a common theme in the choices made by my daughters and me. Invisibility, flying, mind reading and time travel: we all want things to be EASIER. SIMPLER. My daughter doesn’t want to be nagged me when I catch her playing online games instead of completing her homework. My younger girl just wants to travel with ease and style! If I can read people’s minds, I can better understand their motives and intentions and it just makes relationships much easier to manage! As for time travel, I can erase my past mistakes and face the future without any fears. EASY, right?
“Do not pray for an easy life, pray for strength to endure a difficult one.”
- Bruce Lee, Hong Kong American martial artist
As you think of your choice of superpower, what benefits do you want to gain from this power? What struggles are you hoping for it to rescue you from? How will this power make your life better?
The reality is that we don’t have superhuman abilities. However, we have powerful minds. Our thoughts are what shape our behaviours and actions. The way we look at our external circumstances determines our reactions to them. If we adopt a negative outlook in life, it will seem as though almost everything that happens to us is bad and the universe is against us. If we seek the lessons and gifts from each difficult situation in our lives, we will develop strong mental muscles and will be better equipped to cope with future adversities.
We often allow the voices in our minds, our saboteurs, to hold us back from really doing what we want to do in life. These saboteurs lie to us by saying that they are protecting us from bad things, that we are not good enough and that we are better off just staying where we are and not try anything new. We want to move to higher level, sage thinking which ignites our powers of empathy, curiosity and purpose.
I run a 6-weeks mental fitness program which will help you recognise your saboteurs and equip you to move towards living your life from a sage perspective. The program is based on Dr. Shirzad Chamine’s research and book titled Positive Intelligence. The materials and exercises for this program are contained in a phone app which you can access at any time of the day. You will also benefit from weekly 30-minutes coaching sessions with me for the duration of the program.
The first step is to take the free Saboteurs assessment on the Positive Intelligence website (https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments/). If you find that the results accurately reflect your current ways of thinking and want to explore a different way of thinking, please reach out to me here to find out more about this program today.
“Your Sage’s five great powers are (1) to Explore with great curiosity and an open mind; (2) to Empathize with yourself and others and bring compassion and understanding to any situation; (3) to Innovate and create new perspectives and outside-the-box solutions; (4) to Navigate and choose a path that best aligns with your deeper underlying values and mission; and (5) to Activate and take decisive action without the distress, interference, or distractions of the Saboteurs.”
Bright Shiny Objects
Have you heard of the term “bright shiny objects”? It means something that is widely appealing or attention-grabbing for its superficial characteristics, but which is usually not useful, substantial, or long lasting. It’s also a phenomenon that new entrepreneurs go through as we are always looking new ways to grow our business and build our brand. However, if we keep searching for new things, we will end up distracted and losing focus on the vision of our businesses. It’s as though we are children always looking for the new toy to make us happy. We get bored easily when the toy ceases to amaze us. We don’t buckle down and really work on one thing. The cycle of never settling down continues each time we see another bright shiny object to pursue. The result of our chase is that we feel frustrated, demotivated and fatigued.
“I was about to take over the world, but then I saw something shiny.”
― Anonymous
I experienced this bright shiny object syndrome after I had completed my coach training certification program. I wanted to sign up for every “shiny” course on coaching specialisations as I didn’t want to stagnate in my development as a coach. However, I also felt frustrated and confused as there were so many courses out there that were bright and shiny! I sought the advice of my peer coaches and came to the realisation that I needed to slow down. There will always be courses on coaching specialisations. I don’t have to get caught up by the enthralling “lights”. Not every course is beneficial for me. Not every course will serve the vision of my coaching practice. I don’t need to keep enrolling in course after course just to improve my coaching skills.
Have you experienced the bright shiny object syndrome? Is it in terms of purchasing material possessions like the latest mobile phones, sound systems, cars or even upgrading your house? Are you always looking for something new and exciting to help you upgrade your professional skills? What’s the latest thrill that you are seeking to bring zest and vibrancy in your life?
What can you do to differentiate between the real thing and the flashy superficial object?
Photo by Christopher Sardegna on Unsplash
WAIT
A friend once shared this sage advice to me. It was in the context of making online purchases but I believe it will apply to any circumstances where you are tempted with bright shiny options. “Just wait for 7 days,” she said, “If after the week is up and you are certain that you still want to buy that dress, just go ahead and buy it. If you are not 100% certain, then don’t do it as it’s not that important for you anymore. It was just something you thought you wanted right there and then. Time just makes everything clearer.”
WHY?
Ask yourself the following questions when you are inclined to chase after that tempting shiny option:
Do I really need it to achieve what I want? E.g. Do I need to buy this latest sleek laptop in order to be a good writer? Do I need to enrol in this teaching course in order to be a better teacher? Your answers may still be yes but perhaps, it is something you don’t need to purchase right now or start this instance.
Can I afford this? Think of this question not only in terms of finances but also your time, energy and other obligations in life. What are the costs of taking on this bright shiny option?
Why do I want it? This question is different from the earlier two questions. It goes to a deeper level than the earlier questions which were meant for you to consider the implementation aspects. This question is for you to think about your real reason for wanting this bright shiny object. Is it really something that you have always desired? Is it something that is aligned with your values and beliefs? Or could it be that you are suffering from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)? We all have FOMO. I was going through FOMO when I read of all the interesting online coaching courses. I saw that other coaches have many different certifications and I felt pressured (self-imposed, of course!) to add these certifications to my name. I didn’t want to miss out! Upon deeper thought and reflection, I didn’t need to enrol in any further courses now as the better approach for me is to spend time discovering my unique strengths as a coach. The only way to get that is to keep coaching and do self-reflections after each session. What is it for you? Is it something that you truly want or is it FOMO?
Wingman (or woman)
What’s a wingman? The word is formally used in the air force. It means a pilot in a plane that flies just outside and behind the right wing of the leading aircraft in a flight formation, in order to provide protective support. In a social context, it refers to a male friend who helps you attract a woman at a pub or club. Generally, a wingman is someone who is there to support and protect you. Who is your wingman (or woman)? Do you have someone in your life whose opinion you respect and trust? You can always rely on this person to tell you the truth no matter how painful it is. She’s the friend who will tell you not to buy that dress because it is unflattering for your posterior. He’s the one who is there to help you weigh your investment options and prevents you from acting rashly. When you are faced with a bright shiny object, elicit the help of your wingman (or woman) to support you in your “Wait” period while working through your “Why” questions.
If you want to work with me as your “wingman” when faced with a bright shiny object situation, reach out to me here today! I will support you in retaining your focus and staying on track!
“My success, part of it certainly, is that I have focused in on a few things.”
Hopes and Aspirations
“Your hopes, dreams and aspirations are legitimate. They are trying to take you airborne, above the clouds, above the storms, if you only let them.”
Reference sources for this post: 1) García, H., Miralles, F., & Cleary, H. (2017). Ikigai: The Japanese secret to a long and happy life. Penguin Books; and 2) Coaching tool developed by Elaine Houston on PositivePsychology.com
We’re at the final lap, with just two more months to go, for 2020. If you were to look back at this year a decade from now, how would you describe it? What were your memorable moments of 2020?
I think it goes without saying that this year has been unprecedented for all of us. It has been unprecedented for me in many ways. I became an International Coaching Federation credentialed coach and started my coaching business during the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic. At the same time, it has been challenging to grow my business at the pace I desired. I’ve learnt to let go and trust that God will provide my venture as I believe that He has set this purpose in my heart. I’ve been having health issues and strains in family relationships. On the flip side, my children have grown more independent and matured in their thinking. I miss my parents and have not seen them for almost a year now as they live across the border from me.
What am I looking forward to in 2021? First item on my agenda is to visit my parents as soon as border controls are lifted. The second thing is to take a long and well deserved family vacation. Thirdly, continue to improve myself as a coach to serve my clients better and create a positive impact, one person at a time!
What about you? What are you excited about in 2021?
If you are feeling lost and do not have a clear direction on what you want in your life, here are some tips on how to find and live your ikigai.
The term ikigai is a combination of the Japanese words ikiru, meaning “to live” and kai, meaning “the realization of what one hopes for” can be understood as a reason for being, or that which makes life worth living. The diagram below provides an overview of the four ingredients of ikigai.
1) You love it
What are the things that you really enjoy doing in your life? It can be something of a personal interest or hobby. It can also be activities that you do that bring you joy.
What do you never get bored of?
What were you doing when you last lost track of time?
What makes you smile?
If you didn’t have to worry about money, what would you do?
2) The world needs it
Don’t think about addressing the Covid-19 pandemic, famine, war or other global issues. Think about what your family, friends and immediate community need. Is it a particular product or service?
How do you normally help others?
What can you teach others?
What problems in your society that you would like to help solve?
What would you like to see people do more of or differently?
3) You are paid for it
Consider your previous and current jobs. What skills do you possess to carry out your responsibilities under these jobs?
What types of jobs spark your interest?
What would you be doing if you are not in your current job?
Can doing what you love provide you with a good income?
4) You are great at it
Think about your skills and strengths and all the things that you are good at. It doesn’t matter if they are big or small skills or talents. Remember these attributes are what makes you uniquely you!
What do people often approach you for help with?
What skills do you list on your resume?
What activities or skills have you devoted over 100 hours to learn and practise?
What skills or talents come naturally to you?
“The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.”
- Oprah Winfrey, American television
personality
How do we put all your answers together to find your ikigai?
What you love + What you are great at = Your passion
If any of your answers to what you love also appears as answers to what you are great at, that is your passion. However, you may feel that you are not contributing enough to the world and that you may not earn a livelihood from living out your passions.
What you love + What the world needs = Your mission
When your answers to what you love come up in your responses for what the world needs, you have found your mission. Again, you may feel that your mission may not be able to provide you with a sustainable income.
What you are paid for + What the world needs = Your vocation
When there is an overlap between what you are paid for and what the world needs, this is your vocation. However, it may cause you some anxiety if this vocation requires skills that you don’t currently possess. You could also feel empty as the vocation is not something you enjoy doing.
What you are great at + What you are paid for = Your profession
You are comfortable in your profession because you have the skills to make it work and you are earning a decent income from it. However, your profession may be something you don’t love and that your world doesn’t need.
Your ikigai lies in the domain where your passion, mission, vocation and profession are all aligned in the centre of the circle. The reality is a lot of us are in good professions or vocations but we feel that we have sacrificed our passions and mission for it.
It will take more self-reflection and deliberation to discover your ikigai. I hope this post will spark your desire to find it in the coming two months as we see 2020 come to a close. If you would like support from me as your coach to work on finding your ikigai, please contact me here! I would be honoured to be your travelling partner in your journey to reclaim your ikigai!
Three Gifts
“Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new centre of gravity. Don't fight them. Just find a new way to stand.”
― Oprah Winfrey, American TV personality
What is your first reaction when a difficulty or an unforeseen adversity hits you? Do you feel anger, fear, anxiety, grief, hopelessness, a sense of loss or all of these and more? It is normal that our first reaction is negative and we are more likely to go through a roller coaster of negative emotions during such dark periods in our lives. How do you feel when you read Oprah’s quote on seeing challenges as gifts? Are you repulsed by it? You may think it is easy for her to say that. She has a wealth of resources to back her up during any crisis!
However, if we pause and reflect on the quote, the essence of it is that we can choose our behaviours, subsequent actions and decisions in respect of the challenges and adversities in our lives. We can choose to fight them - to live with anger, resentment and hatred. We can choose to avoid them - to live with the suppression of our emotions and pretend that all is well with us. We can choose to let the negative emotions overwhelm us and allow them to consume us, believing that all hope is lost.
We can choose to recalibrate, find a new centre of gravity and see these challenges as opportunities of learning and growth - as gifts. How do we do that amidst all our pain and suffering? Dr. Shirzad Chamine, in his book, Positive Intelligence, wrote about The Three-Gifts Technique which will help us shift our perspectives. Think of three scenarios which could possibly arise from a negative event in your life that may be regarded as gifts or opportunities. This will take proactive intention, time and patience. It may take weeks, months or years to realise that there are gifts to these adversities. The main thing is to continue looking.
Dr. Chamine suggests that there are three gifts that may arise from these difficult situations.
Gift of Knowledge
Ask yourself what knowledge would I be able to gain from this adversity which will result in a larger pay-out in the future. For example, if you lose a bid for a major project, instead of beating yourself up about it, take time to reflect and take stock of your learnings from it. Use your learnings to think of a new strategy and implement a plan for the next bid.
Gift of Power
What power or strength must I grow to be able to handle this challenge? There are problems in our lives that are small and easy to manage. There are persistent problems but with effort and determination, they can be resolved. Then, there are the big problems that seem insurmountable. With each problem, think of your inner resources and strengths and leverage on them to address the problems. Perhaps, in the case of dealing with a difficult family member, you have to build your power of patience and empathy. Again, this will take time and intention of wanting to do so.
Gift of Inspiration
Convert the difficulty into an inspiration for something better. For example, your house was destroyed in a fire. If you use the insurance money to rebuild your house in exactly the same way as it was before, you would feel that it was such a waste of time and money. However, if you spend some time thinking of how to build a better home using the money, you will open yourself up to new ideas and feel a sense of achievement and hope of a fresh start when your new home is completed. In this example of rebuilding your house, you can also receive the gift of inspiration in the form of something unrelated to the house. You may have to live with your sister while the house is being rebuilt. Your relationship with your sister was strained in the past. Although in the beginning of your stay with her, it was extremely difficult. However, as weeks passed, both of you manage to talk through your differences and rebuilt your relationship into a stronger one. It would not have happened if you didn’t go through this difficult time in your life.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
You may be thinking that I cannot possibly do all that! How can you ask me to look for gifts in such painful, heart-breaking situations? The Three-Gifts Technique is not a quick-fix tool. We will have to apply it all our lives with persistent determination and see it as a lifelong journey of practice and growth. What is the cost of not doing so? You will be stuck in the negative situation, not being able to live life fully and meaningfully. Even if you are only able to take small steps in this direction of looking for the gifts in your adversities, you are already growing and healing slowly from the painful events. Don’t do this alone. Reach out to people who love you and who can support you in this journey. Look out for these gifts together. Support one another.
If you are currently facing a difficult situation in your life right now and want to explore how coaching can help you find the light at the end of your tunnel, drop me a note here to find out how I can support you as your coach.
I’m also running a Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan on 30 October 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). You will explore your inner resources which have helped you cope with past challenges and leverage and build upon these resources to face future challenges. This session will be conducted in a safe, non-judgmental space with me as your coach. If you feel that this is something that can help you right now, please click here to reserve your place.
“The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.”
Sticks and Stones…
We are familiar with the children’s rhyme that is used as a defence against verbal bullying. It goes:
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words will never hurt me.
However, the reality is words hurt. They hurt a lot. They can scar you for life. We hold strong emotional baggage in our lives. Baggage that we want to put down but find it extremely difficult to do so.
“Tempers are temporary, but hateful and hurtful words can be remembered forever.”
- Jarod Kintz, American author
I had a recent experience with hurtful words. Someone made derogatory remarks about me to another person, fully aware that I was able to hear every word she said. It was done intentionally to hurt me. As it was a family gathering and my kids were with me, I decided not to react and just leave the room.
My mood was spoilt that entire evening. I was bothered by her words. I vented to my husband and to my kids. Venting didn’t make me feel better. In a way, it made it worse as her words kept ringing in my head as I recounted the event. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of anger and resentment.
Even as I write this post, those negative feelings are surfacing. I’m writing about it not with the intention to vent but to share my learning from this experience. By being angry, I’m the only one suffering. She is not aware that I am angry. She is not hurt.
This quote by English poet, Alexander Pope, aptly describes the impact of unresolved anger on ourselves.
“To be angry is to revenge the fault of others on ourselves.”
If I don’t let the anger go and forgive her in my heart, the negative feelings will surface and affect all the other relationships in my life. I will end up hurting those around me because my bitterness will keep growing.
I knew that I had to do something. Should I retaliate and confront her? Criticize her and show her shortcomings to her? Should I act spitefully, stooping to her level by spreading gossip about her? The answer is no. I still want to maintain my relationship with her. She is not someone I can completely remove from my life.
So, what can I do? I recalled an earlier blog I wrote in August titled The Tale of Two Wolves. In that blog, I wrote about the choices we make in our lives - which perspective do we want to adopt in any situation? Do we always look at the worst case scenario or do we seek out the gift and growth opportunities? My exact words there were “If we have been hurt by a family member or a friend and we choose to fuel the hurt, it develops into a deep-seated resentment and hatred towards that person. As the wise grandfather advised his grandson in the story, you are only hurting yourself with your anger and hatred. It does not change anything. No one suffers more than you do.”
My own words provided me the answer to this particular situation. I decided to accept that she said those words because she is an inherently unhappy person. I decided not to take it personally. I decided to move on and not dwell on it anymore. I decided not to feed the negative emotions that I was feeling.
This realisation liberated me. When I see her now, I only have empathy for her. I don’t force my views on her or expect her to change as it is difficult for someone to change the way they behave. I cannot control what she says or does but I can control my reactions and my responses. I choose to forgive.
“You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.’”
— Maya Angelou, American poet
What would you do if you were in my shoes? You cannot remove this person from your life and you will still need to interact with him/her. What is your response when your boundaries are crossed? Are you triggered to “fight”, “flight” or “freeze” in the conversation?
If you normally opt for the “flight” approach like I did in my situation, be clear that it is your choice and not something that is forced on you. Once you have decided not to confront the person, be at peace with it. Draw a line under this difficult situation and choose to move on.
If your preferred option is to “fight” but at times, you “freeze”, here are some suggestions on how to phrase your sentences without being aggressive and rude:
An inappropriate question
“I think you don’t know me well enough to ask things like that.”; or
“I’d rather not discuss that topic right now if you don’t mind.”
The intrusive co-worker
“Hey, sorry to interrupt. I don’t mind helping, but I can’t talk right now. It works better for me to set a specific time. How about we take 15 minutes to talk about it today at 3 p.m.?”
The dismissal of an idea
“I want to talk about that project. I know I said I am fine with the decision of the majority but I realise that it’s still affecting me. Can we schedule a time to talk about it?”
I would love to hear your views on your preferred approach - is it “fight” or “flight”? Reach out to me here if you want to explore different coping strategies on dealing with difficult people and difficult conversations.
I am also holding a group coaching session to help you create your unique resilience plan on 30 October 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). Reserve your place here!
Old Habits Die Hard
“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.”
― Samuel Johnson, English poet
We have all heard of the saying “old habits die hard”. It simply means that it is difficult to stop doing things one has been doing for a long time. The habits are ingrained in us.
Mick Jagger even wrote a song with the same title. I like this part of the lyrics:
I act like an addict, I just got to have it
I can never leave it alone …
Old habits die hard
Hard enough to feel the pain Courtesy of https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/12269068/Mick+Jagger/Old+Habits+Die+Hard
Giving up a habit is tough even if you know it is not good for you to carry on doing the things you have been doing. It is painful to stop and even if you succeed, you find yourself going back to your old ways if you are not careful. I recalled that I struggled with giving up drinking coffee during my pregnancies. I knew it was good for me and the baby not to have caffeine in my system. However, I felt like an addict. I even had headaches and mild anxiety attacks as withdrawal symptoms when I stopped drinking coffee. Did I persist in refraining from drinking coffee? Yes, painful as it was, I reminded myself of the larger purpose - what would it cost me and the baby if I carried on drinking 2 to 3 cups of coffee a day? With that purpose and focus in mind, I stopped drinking coffee.
Of course, I am back to being an avid coffee drinker now as I no longer have a purpose mandating the change. A change or break from our habits require focus, determination and quite likely, another new habit to replace the old one. I know that replacing eating cookies with low fat yoghurt may not be exciting or enticing enough (my kids can vouch for this!) but it’s a good first step in the right direction. If you go cold turkey i.e. stop the old habit immediately without a substitute, you will find yourself feeling very empty which will make it more difficult for you to sustain resisting the old habit.
You would think the expected solution for my coffee-drinking habit is to drink decaffeinated coffee instead. That didn’t work for me. Drinking decaf coffee just reinforced how much I enjoyed drinking coffee and made me miss it even more. I decided to switch to tea. Although I enjoyed drinking tea on certain occasions, it was quite an adjustment for me to have a cup of tea first thing in the morning when my usual go-to drink was coffee. However, with time and intentionally reminding myself to savour the moments while I was drinking tea, I managed to break my habit of drinking coffee.
I’m back to it now as I don’t have a higher purpose to stop drinking coffee. However, I now take my coffee without sugar and only with low fat milk so I’m taking steps in the right direction to good health.
“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.”
– John C. Maxwell, American author
It is overwhelming to think of stopping an old habit as it has already become a part of you. The key thing to remember is to make small manageable changes in your routine. Once these changes become second nature to you, it will be easier for you to move on to make bigger changes.
It is also helpful to have implementation intentions when you are working on putting a new habit in place. This tool was created by Noel Lyons MSc (http://www.WellCoach.co.uk).
Implementation intentions are “if-then” plans. Forming an implementation intention will help you actually carry out the behaviour you intend.
Think about your intention of starting this new habit. Why do you want to do it? What is your larger purpose? What would it cost you if you didn’t replace your old habit with this new one?
The planning stage (‘if-then” scenarios). Think of possible scenarios of how you will act in relation to your new habit when something happens to prevent you from sticking with it - “If X happens, then I will do Y".” X can be a time, place or event. Y is the specific action that you will take whenever X occurs.
If I eat a chocolate bar instead of a healthy snack, I will run on the spot for 10 minutes after reaching home from work.
If I sleep late again, I will turn off all my devices by 8pm and turn in by 10pm.
If I binge-watch shows on Netflix, I will spend an extra hour working on my project/assignment the next day.
If I have to work late today and I don’t have time to go to the gym, then I’ll wake up 30 min earlier tomorrow and go for a run before breakfast.
Go ahead and implement the “if-then” plans that you have created. Evaluate their effectiveness in keeping you committed to your new habit. Change and adjust these plans to improve your commitment. See it as a learning journey and not a failure if you didn’t manage to do your “Y” when the “X” occurs. Remember that it takes time for your brain to rewire itself and for you to take on a new unfamiliar path.
Do reach out to me here if you want to have a deeper discussion on cultivating new habits and getting rid of old ones that are holding you back in living a fulfilling life.
I am also holding a group coaching session to help you create your unique resilience plan on 30 October 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). Reserve your place here!
What’s Your Cuppa?
“What on earth could be more luxurious than a sofa, a book, and a cup of coffee?”
-Anthony Trollope, English novelist
For an introvert like me who recharges with spending time alone, “Absolutely nothing!” is my answer to the question posed by the novelist in his quote above. If I can spend every morning with a nice hot cup of coffee and a good book with no other demands on my time, that will be sheer bliss for me. Unfortunately, given my busy weekday morning schedule with seeing my daughters off to school and morning calls, my coffee time is often more of a necessity to keep me going rather than a luxury to be savoured.
Do you enjoy your coffee as much as I do? I enjoy a nice cup of tea every now and again but have a special relationship with coffee. Coffee has seen me through law school and bar exams, faithfully supporting me through long nights of working through my litigation files in the early years of my legal career. If I don’t drink a cup of coffee in the morning before I start my day, I often find that I am not fully functional. It’s as though I can’t start my day right without coffee. Have I refrained from drinking coffee before? Yes, when I was pregnant with each of my children but never again! My love affair with coffee is here to stay!
That’s why when I came across this article by Emily Waters on PsychCentral.com titled “What Does Your Coffee Reveal About You?”, I couldn’t resist sharing it with all of you! She extracted the information from Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s book, You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life and came up with a list summarising his survey results of different coffee drinkers’ personalities based on their favourite types of coffee. Have a look and see which category you may fall into, with a pinch of salt. I don’t believe we can easily pigeon-hole ourselves into neat stereotypes based on the beverages we drink but let’s just have fun with it!
Black Coffee - Personality Traits - Old school and purist
The Light Side
Keep things simple
Patient
Efficient
The Dark Side
Can be quiet and moody
Abrupt and dismissive
Sort of set in their ways
Resistant to making changes
Latte with milk/cream and sugar - Personality Traits - Comfort seekers, people pleasers, open book, likes to soften the bitterness of life
The Light Side
Generous with time
Will go out of their way to help others
The Dark Side
Can get over-extended
Don’t always take great care of themselves
Frozen/blended coffee - Personality Traits - Try lots of new things, socially bold, trendsetters
The Light Side
Childlike
Spontaneous
Imaginative
The Dark Side
Fall for quick fixes
Don’t always make healthy choices
Can be reckless
Decaf/ soy milk/ Very specifically ordered coffee - Personality Traits - Likes being in control, may be labeled as selfish, obsessive, perfectionist, very aware of their health and bodies
The Light Side
Monitor their health
Tend to make healthy choices
The Dark Side
Overfocus on rules, control and order
Overly sensitive
Tend to be worriers
Instant coffee - Personality Traits - Traditional in some ways, laid back, may procrastinate
The Light Side
Take life as it comes
Don’t get too lost in details
The Dark Side
Too laid back
Put things off and may neglect basic health issues
Poor planners
As I said, take the above with a pinch of salt. I am a latte drinker - it’s my go-to drink, almost defaulted in my system. However, I don’t take my latte with sugar. How shall I interpret my traits then? I am an open book but without the sugar, I don’t sugar-coat the bitterness of life? Who knows?
Photo by Matt Walsh on Unsplash
We all know that personality tests and quizzes are not entirely accurate and a lot of the ones found online are not scientifically proven either. Then, why do we enjoy doing them? Why do we believe that our resilience directly correlates with our choice of favourite movie characters? Will your affinity to a particular colour have an impact on your outlook in life? Does it give us comfort to know that our preference for a particular Disney princess will indicate the personality traits of our future spouse?
I know it sounds ridiculous. I think we enjoy doing such quizzes because they provide us with simple answers on why we behave in a certain way. If I like purple, it means that I am a perfectionist. Simple, right? I don’t have to go deep and think about why I always have to ensure that everything is perfect. I can just say it’s because I like the colour purple!
We want our lives to be simple, to have clear answers to difficult issues and situations. We want to be able to categorise the causes of our bad choices in life into neat compartments. We want to take a happy pill and make all the misery disappear. It is painful for us to look at ourselves in the mirror at times, to admit the mistakes we have made and to change our perspectives on failures.
One way to find clarity for the reasons of our choices in life is to know our core values. I did the Values in Action Character Strengths survey several times during different phases of my life and each time, my top 5 values remained the same, albeit in different orders. Values are our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people and ourselves. They are what we stand for in life, how we want to behave and what sort of person we want to be.
Try this free test at https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/account/register and discover your core values based on proven positive psychology research. If you want to explore your results and leverage on your values and character strengths to reach your goals and live a purposeful life, reach out to me here! We can talk about it over a cup of coffee!
Speed of Recovery
My heartfelt gratitude to each of you who reached out to me with encouragement and support when my youngest daughter and I came down with dengue fever last month. August was indeed a difficult month with all 3 kids being ill (yes, my teenage son was also suspected of having Covid-19 just like my middle daughter. Thankfully, like her, his test results came back negative). Dengue hit me hard and to date, I am still not 100% my usual self. I suffer from fatigue, occasional headaches and body aches. My youngest daughter, on the other hand, has fully recovered and proudly declares that she has conquered dengue with gusto!
“It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how your life’s story will develop.”
- Dieter F. Uchtdorf, German aviator
My youngest daughter returned to school in the first week of September. I had asked her teacher to excuse her from any strenuous physical activities as I was concerned that it would be too much for her to handle given that she had just recovered. However, my daughter wanted to participate in her school’s sports day. She didn’t want to let her team down. Seeing how determined she was, I spoke to her teacher again and she agreed to let my daughter join the team events. Around lunch time, her teacher sent several text messages to me, informing me that my daughter gave her very best in the events and her team came out as champions! She even stepped in for a friend who couldn’t take part that day. I was so proud of her, not so much for winning but for being determined to do her best and not let her team down. When she had dengue fever, she couldn’t move much and spent most of her time sleeping. I am amazed at how quickly she recovered, both physically and emotionally. She had set her mind to do her best for her team and lived up to her word. She didn’t give up!
My road to recovery was very different from hers. As I was in pain and physically very weak, I was rock-bottom emotionally. I felt defeated. I felt frustrated. I felt angry. All my plans for the month of August had to be cancelled or rescheduled. Even when I was physically better, I was unable to find motivation to get back in the swing of things. It was as though I was stuck in a fog, unable to see my way out of it. I just gave up and did nothing!
What was the key difference here? Both my daughter and I had dengue. We both physically recovered around the same time. Yet, she bounced back so quickly and I struggled. It was our mindset. She was optimistic and looked forward to things she was excited about. I was pessimistic and looked back at the month of August with regret given all the things that were not accomplished. That stronghold of my regret and frustrations kept me from moving past this illness. I allowed myself to stay there.
The lesson I learnt is that it is our reaction to adversity that truly impacts the course of our lives and not the adversity itself. If I had been more positive like my daughter, the speed of my emotional recovery would have been much faster and smoother. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time in the fog.
“I am down. And that is okay. I may be down for a while, but I will rise again. And when I rise, I will rise higher than I’ve gone before, I will be stronger than I’ve been before. I will thrive.”
So, how did I eventually make my way out of my fog of regret, frustration and anger?
My husband told me that I was looking to put everything right all at the same time. The fact that I wasn’t able to do so prevented me from doing anything at all. I was paralysed and overwhelmed. He reminded me that I didn’t have to fix everything all at once. I know it sounds simple but I’m really an “all or nothing” type of person as I’ve shared in one of my previous blog posts.
I had to remind myself that what I’m feeling and going through is not Personal, Pervasive and Permanent. The 3Ps, a positive psychology tool on handling adversity and building our resilience muscles, proposed by Dr. Martin Seligman, a renowned psychologist, often referred to as the father of modern-day positive psychology movement, explains how we are to view our adverse circumstances.
Personal - We are often tempted to think that everything that happens to us is caused by us. The problem is with me. By shifting our perspectives and considering the possibility that external factors that are not within our control have caused our circumstances will prevent us from blaming ourselves. Once you have a more accurate view of things, you will be able to bounce back faster. I realised that it’s not my fault that my daughter and I had dengue. We were just at the wrong place at the wrong time to be bitten by that particular mosquito!
Pervasive - This is falling into the trap of thinking that one problem causes a ripple effect and applies to all areas of our lives. I was caught in this trap. I felt that every single area of my life was negatively impacted just because I was ill. Once I started realising that this isn’t so, I slowly found my way out of my fog. My husband was extremely supportive during this difficult time in our family. I also had support from my in-laws who took care of our meals and household chores when I wasn’t able to get out of bed. My coaching business was put on hold but I had understanding clients who didn’t put any pressure on me to resume their coaching sessions. Keeping the right perspective really helped me. My illness wasn’t pervasive.
Permanent - We may also think that our difficult circumstances are permanent. When we are going through adversity, it is extremely challenging and it may feel like it will never end. However, the reality is most of our adversities are not permanent. Once you are able to view the situation as temporary, you will be able to cope better with it. I have not fully recovered yet but I know now that I will come out of this experience stronger.
Don’t lose heart when you are facing adversity. Remind yourself to stop and consider the 3Ps. Is it really personal, pervasive and permanent? Once you realise that it’s not, you are already strengthening your resilience muscles. If you require more support, be it in the form of one-to-one coaching or group coaching, I would be more than happy to explore the options with you. Reach out to me here today!
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou, American poet
Coping Mechanisms
“For me, writing is a kind of coping mechanism.”
About a month ago, my 10-year-old daughter came down with high fever. When we took her to see the doctor, the advice given was for her to do a Covid-19 swab test. As she was under 12 years old, it was up to us as her parents to decide for her. It wasn’t an easy decision for us to make as we knew how uncomfortable it would be for her. We eventually agreed for her to do the test because it would eventually give us a definitive answer.
The waiting began. We were told that her test results would be made known to us within a day. I’m thankful that the waiting time was short. However, it was still 24 hours of uncertainty. Deep down in my heart, I knew that the likelihood of her contracting the Covid-19 virus was low but as a mother, I was worried.
This incident made me think about how each of us coped with the news. The two men in my family - my husband and my son - regarded the news from a practical and rational angle. It wasn’t Covid-19 because as far as we knew, she didn’t come into close contact with any Covid-19 patients. The only place she went to was school. There were no suspected cases in her school. Their deduction - it was just another viral infection and will go away within a few days of rest and medication.
My youngest daughter, the 8-year-old, thought differently. She was devastated. She dreaded going to school without her elder sister. They always walked to school together. She was also upset because she felt that it wasn’t fair that she had to go to school while her sister rested at home. She wanted to be by her sister’s side. When she returned home from school, she was disappointed that her sister was not well enough to play with her. She also felt left out because I spent more time looking after her sister than with her. The uncertainty of the situation caused her to be insecure and she didn’t know how to cope with all the emotions that were coming up for her.
What about me? What was my reaction? In short, it was all of the above! I had jumbled up feelings, seeing my daughter ill and not knowing if she had contracted the Covid-19 virus. I thought the same rational thoughts as my husband and son and at the same time, felt worried, upset and unsettled just like my youngest daughter. For fleeting moments, I imagined worst case scenarios but stopped myself as I realised that this was not doing myself or my daughter any good. I was at home with her the whole day and if I was so negative and restless, it would have been apparent to her, making her feel worse than she had already felt.
So, what were my coping mechanisms in this situation? The quote above really resonated with me. Yes, I wrote. I penned my thoughts and emotions in my journal. Seeing my words on paper was liberating. They provided a release to my anxiety and worry. I prayed. I stayed quiet and reflected on God’s goodness in our lives. I contacted my parents and parents-in-law and asked them to jointly pray for her. I reached out to close friends for support and comfort. The thought I held on to was that this was not going to last forever - it too shall come to pass.
When you reflect on your coping mechanisms during challenges, what were they? What kept you going, believing that things will work out in the end? Are you still in the midst of challenges? What are you doing to stay hopeful?
Are you like the men in my family? The first thing you will do is evaluate the available information and make a rational assessment. Then, you will move on to problem-solving mode.
Are you like me? You have ways to recognise and manage your emotions and a strong support network to reach out for help and encouragement. Despite difficult circumstances, you know you are not alone. This lightens your burdens and your grief, having another share it with you in your journey.
Do you feel helpless, devastated and overwhelmed like my youngest daughter? You feel that you still have to put up a brave front because you have so many responsibilities on your shoulders. You cannot afford others to see that you are suffering on the inside. This is not what resilience is about. It’s not about avoiding your emotions and shouldering on without healing. It’s about being able to pick yourself up and look at your circumstances with hope, taking forward-looking steps with resolve and determination.
I’m running a Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan on 25 September 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time). You will explore your inner resources which have helped you cope with past challenges and leverage and build upon these resources to face future challenges. This session will be conducted in a safe, non-judgmental space with me as your coach. If you feel that this is something that can help you right now, please click here to reserve your place.
You do not have to walk this path alone.
P.S. My daughter’s test result came back negative and she recovered within a few days.
All or Nothing
“…for
there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so…”
-William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2
I learned an interesting insight about myself several weeks ago. I had 2 peer coaching sessions with 2 peer coaches where I was coached on 2 different topics. Both triggered an awareness that I am an “all or nothing” person. When I look at a situation, I have this urge to decide whether I will give it my all i.e. my full commitment and see it through to completion and perhaps, even perfection OR I don’t do anything at all. I can’t seem to see any other alternatives outside this “all or nothing”. One topic was quite light hearted and yet, I was fixated that I needed to tackle the situation with a ‘big bang” solution i.e. my “all” approach or just do nothing. However, both options gave me discomfort. My peer coach helped me realise that there is a possibility that I can choose something between 0 and 100%! I know it sounds so simple but as I was so entrenched in my belief that it has to be “all or nothing”, I couldn’t see any other options. This realisation that it was perfectly fine for me to decide on something at 25% or 65% was powerful. I don’t need to go 100% all the time.
The second topic was serious one as I wanted to plan how I am to spend my time and resources on my coaching business. Again, I was stuck with this 0 or 100% perspective. I felt troubled as I could not decide how to move forward. Staying where I am now is not acceptable as I want to progress and improve my business. However, my thoughts around making the 100% mark for my business is daunting. Hence, the stuck feeling. My peer coach helped me understand the reason behind my impatience of needing to decide so quickly and so drastically. It was because in my mind, once I have decided on an action plan, there will be certainty. Certainty provides comfort for me. Then, my mind will be at ease and I can focus on the execution part of my plan. Once I have understood the urgency behind my thinking, I was able to slowly see that there are alternatives besides my 100% goals. I can take small, manageable steps towards my goals. I can experiment and see what works and what doesn’t. I learned that I don’t have to rush. I can be at ease amidst uncertainties. It wasn’t an easy learning for me simply because this was how I have always been thinking and operating. Changing or some would say, rewiring my brain takes conscious effort and determination to steer away from the normal routes I would take.
Can we really rewire our brain?
The short answer is yes. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to adapt.
“It refers to the physiological changes in the brain that happen as the result of our interactions with our environment. From the time the brain begins to develop in utero until the day we die, the connections among the cells in our brains reorganize in response to our changing needs. This dynamic process allows us to learn from and adapt to different experiences.” – Dr. Celeste Campbell, American neuropsychologist
Our neural pathways are like the roads we walk on. Imagine that you have to walk across a lawn to go to your favourite cafe. You will be walking the same path everyday. What do you see? The grass is not growing any more on that path because you have been walking on it every day. This path is clearly defined. You’re on autopilot mode when you walk to your favourite cafe. If someone asked you to try a new route to the cafe, you would hard pressed to agree to do so. Walking on a new path will take effort. You will need to try something new and it may not be what you expect. It is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. However, trying out a new path may also lead you to new sights and sounds and maybe even, a nicer cafe than your favourite one!
All of you would have heard these sayings, “old habits die hard” and “it takes 21 days to form a new habit”. We are used to living our lives on autopilot mode. It is easier just to keep walking on our well-trodden paths than to discover new ones which provides us with new and wonderful opportunities.
How can we break free from our autopilot mode?
1) Discover your well-trodden path You will first need to understand and recognise your autopilot mode.
2) Try something different
Experiment doing something different from your usual way of thinking. Using my example, I’m learning to be comfortable in not always going for 100% when it comes to making my plans. Taking small steps in the intended direction is fine!
3) Learning a new creative skill
Doing something creative enhances the connectivity in your brain and allows for creation of new neural pathways. If you have no time to take on a new skill, just have fun singing and dancing in the privacy of your room or just try doodling.
4) Having “down” time
Taking time out to rest and recharge and do the things you enjoy like reading, meditating or even just sleeping.
Creating new neural pathways is a lifelong journey so it is important to remember to be kind to yourself and to celebrate your successes. Give yourself credit when you carved out 15 minutes of “down” time in your busy work day. Celebrate with a friend when you experimented doing something differently from your autopilot mode. The important thing is to be able to recognise your autopilot mode and realise that you don’t have to keep thinking or doing things the way you have always done them if they don’t benefit you.
You can give yourself the freedom to think differently!
I would love to hear of your insights from this post and also, please share your successes with me! Just send me a note here!
“Any man could, if he were so inclined, be the sculptor of his own brain.”
Dare to be Different
"It doesn’t matter what we do until we accept ourselves. Once we accept ourselves, it doesn’t matter what we do."
-
Charly Heavenrich, American life coach
I had an interesting conversation with my daughters several weeks ago about what they will wear for a school function. They were given an opportunity to wear their ethnic outfits, normally reserved for the Chinese New Year celebrations. I thought they will be thrilled with the idea of ditching their school uniforms. To my surprise, my girls did not want to dress up for the occasion. The youngest felt that she had outgrown her dress and it was not comfortable to wear it for the entire school day. The elder girl said it was too hot to wear the dress and may cause her to itch and have her eczema flare up. Their reasons were logical but I was concerned they may be teased at school for standing out from the rest of the prettily dressed girls. They surprised me again. They were both fine with standing out and doing what feels right for them instead of worrying about being teased or ridiculed. You can say that was a proud moment for me as their mother, that I raised my girls the right way. They are comfortable in their own skin and do not worry about what others think or say of them. However, it was also a somewhat melancholy moment for me as they are still young and have a lot to learn as they grow up. We all know that life is harsher and complicated when we are in adulthood. Is this complexity our own doing? Perhaps, but it takes a lot of courage to stand one’s ground and be secure in one’s self despite external pressures and expectations of society.
How often did you feel, even now as an adult, that you cannot be truly yourself in certain situations? How many of the following scenarios resonate with you?
When your colleagues gossip about another colleague who doesn’t quite fit in, do you feel compelled to join in? Is it easy for you to walk away or neutralise the situation?
Do you feel embarrassed or “small” when members of your extended family talk about their professional achievements? You feel that your achievements pale in comparison because you did not climb the corporate ladders like they did but chose a creative profession which you are passionate about. You stay quiet in these conversations.
When you are at a social gathering with your friends and everyone is talking about their significant others, do you feel that there is something wrong with you? Is that why you are not in a long term relationship with a potential partner? What if you don’t want to be in a relationship at this point in time? Do you feel confident in sharing your views on this?
Do you dress in a certain way, talk about certain topics and suppress your true beliefs and opinions just to get into the “in-crowd” whether it’s the “right” type of people to network with at work in order to be more visible or at family or social gatherings because you don’t want to be judged or rock the boat by saying something controversial even if it’s what you truly believe in?
I am aware that we observe certain social etiquette when we are interacting with people and are mindful of sensitive topics such as political affiliations, religious beliefs, heated issues in the news and the football team you support all year round! I’m not questioning your beliefs. My question is irrespective of whether you are the life of the party or a wallflower, are you comfortable in your own skin? Do you like yourself as you are today?
Photo by Joshua Eckstein on Unsplash
What is the difference between self-esteem and self-acceptance? Dr. Hugo Alberts (Ph.D.) – psychologist, researcher and founder of PositivePsychology.com explained the difference as follows: Self-esteem relates to how a person rates him- or herself (i.e. positive or negative) whereas self-acceptance occurs when a person just relates to him- or herself without any judgment or “scoring positive or negative marks”.
Self-esteem, in a way, is conditional self-acceptance. Self-acceptance has nothing to do with worth. It is also not about “doing” to become someone. It is just affirming yourself for who you are at this present moment, appreciating your strengths and weaknesses. You are not inferior or should have lower self-esteem because you have weaknesses. We all have weaknesses. What matters is that we recognise our weaknesses and learn to grow as a person, while at all times, being kind to ourselves because growing takes time and may be painful.
Consider and reflect on these questions to begin your journey to start accepting yourself for who you are:
Who are you?
Who are you? This time, answer without using labels, roles and job description. Yes, this is much harder to tackle!
What is the real you like? Answer in relation to your values and qualities.
How do you feel about yourself right now?
How do others make you feel about yourself right now?
What do you think others think of you?
What are you noticing when you think of others’ perception of you?
What parts of you are you dying to let out?
What would happen if you did?
What would your future self of 20 years from now advise you today?
Have fun discovering the answers to these questions and begin to fully accept yourself unconditionally. If you need support in any of the areas in your life that made you uncomfortable during this process, we would love to hear from you!
We’re also running our Group Coaching session to help you Create Your Unique Resilience Plan today! This is happening on 28 August 2020, 8:30 p.m. Singapore Time (8:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time).
To come full circle from my sharing of my daughters’ musings at the beginning of this post, this quote made me smile. I hope and pray that my daughters will still have their strong sense of self-acceptance when they are my age!
“A mother who radiates self-acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem”