Empty Cup
“And all of a sudden, I felt really tired. Like the world has drained me from everything that I had.”
This quote resonated with me. I came across it when I was searching for quotes for this blog post. I am tired, really tired. The family events of the past two month alone are exhausting with both my father-in-law’s and middle daughter’s health conditions. Going to hospitals seemed to be the “go-to” place for our family these past few weeks. On top of that, I am continually building my business, coaching clients and speaking with people on a daily basis and running my household, ensuring the wheels of the home and family keep turning and nothing drops!
I had a particularly busy day yesterday with coaching sessions and all 3 kids were also home as they didn’t have to go to school yesterday. I snapped at my youngest daughter who asked me to practise her English presentation speech with her as I was short on time in-between coaching sessions. I felt really low. I took out my frustrations on my daughter who really loves and adores me.
Ironically, this incident reminded me of one of my earliest blog posts in April 2020 when I first started my business - I wrote about not neglecting our self-care as if we just keep giving and giving, something will give and we’re not to let that “something” be us.
“We need to deprogram ourselves. I know for sure that you can’t give what you don’t have. If you allow yourself to be depleted to the point where your emotional and spiritual tank is empty and you’re running on fumes of habit, everybody loses. Especially you.”
- Oprah Winfrey
Yes, that is so true. Everybody loses when we are running on empty. I wasn’t a very nice Mum to be around with yesterday. So, what lessons did I learn from yesterday?
Identify my triggers
I had physical signs that I was too stretched and overwhelmed. I had a lot of things on my mind as there were several hospital visits and appointments to keep this week and I also wanted to be there to support my youngest daughter in her rope skipping tournament. I also had several coaching and facilitation commitments that needed to be worked around and rescheduled. My breathing became faster, my left shoulder felt very tense and started to ache. Instead of pausing and closing my laptop to take a breather, I carried on. That was when I snapped at my daughter when she came into the study to look for me. I had just finished one coaching session and had about 20 minutes before my next session. On a good day, I would have welcomed her with open arms. As I was running on empty, I was annoyed and frustrated.
I should have taken heed of my physical signs of stress and exhaustion and taken a break instead of carrying on. I often coach my clients to identify their physical triggers of stress and anxiety and here I am, ignoring these good practices.
I apologised to my daughter shortly after my outburst at her. It was such a surprise that she waited for my 3rd coaching session to end, quietly came into the room and gave me a big hug, saying, “Don’t be stressed, Mummy. It will all work out. Trust God and pray about everything.”
I was so moved. My daughter’s words reminded me of what I knew all along. To focus on the bigger picture and to quote the late Richard Carlson, “Don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff.”
Do you know what your physical triggers are when you are stressed, frustrated or anxious? Contemplate how these physical cues can prevent you from being hijacked by your negative emotions. Take time to listen to your body. You won’t regret it! I know I am going to be more intentional and listen to mine more!
Ask for help
Don’t wait until you are running on empty before you ask for help. My husband is always reminding that I do not need to hold the fort all by myself and to get our kids to pitch in and help me. I asked for help yesterday when I realised that I couldn’t push through the rest of the day. All 3 of them willingly pitched in. My son and my youngest daughter cooked dinner together while my middle daughter did the laundry and tidied up. They gave me some time to retire earlier last night which was exactly what I needed.
How often do we hold ourselves back from asking for help? We often think that it is a reflection of our weakness if we have to ask others for help. How about seeing it from another perspective? When we ask for help, we are showing the other person that we appreciate them and trust them. We want them to be a part of our lives. By asking my kids to help me, I’m showing them that we are a family and we are to help one another.
At the workplace, we often feel that we need to put our best foot forward and asking for help would show that we are not as competent or skilled as we say we are. Is this really true? By asking for help, we foster collaboration and enable greater ideas and solutions given the collective wisdom of working together.
Think about your upcoming days and weeks - how can you incorporate asking for support and help more in your work and life? What changes do you hope to see if you do so?
Pause
It is perfectly fine to pause and stop. This is something I know and do as a coach, to stop and reflect on the situation and to see what I can learn from it for my own growth. That is why I am stopping today (or rather slowing down and having fewer coaching sessions today) to reflect on my lessons learnt from yesterday. Writing is therapeutic for me and also serves as my “me-time” for me to recharge and be refreshed.
I often fool myself into thinking if I just keep going, I’m being productive and doing more means growing my business faster. On the contrary, I end up being exhausted and demoralised. Going faster and not stopping does not mean growth. We have to pause and reflect and realign ourselves with our purpose in life.
Do you find that you’re too busy to pause? What do you think will change for the better if you pause?
“There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.”
- Alan Cohen, author
Are you doing both sufficiently or is there an area that is overlooked?
Have You Lived Emotionally?
I was rewatching the final episode of Season 4 of Ally McBeal recently and this scene between Richard Fish and John Cage, the two senior partners of the law firm, Cage and Fish stuck in my mind for days. [Ally McBeal was an American legal comedy drama series that ran for 5 seasons from 1997 to 2002 and won several Emmy and Golden Globe Awards for Outstanding Comedy Series.]
John found Richard sitting in his office looking gloomy.
John: What's going on?
Richard: I'm sad.
John: I can read between the lines. [Richard was actually wearing a placard on his neck that said "Go Away! I'm sad!"] Can you tell me what about?
Richard: This is a cold place.
John: Cold? How?
Richard: How? Jane [Richard's new assistant] said something about...sighs...We used to all be friends. We'd go to the bar, we'd laugh together. We all cared about each other.
John: We still go to the bar.
Richard: What happened? This isn't the kind of firm we planned to have.
John: Richard, all you ever sought is money.
Richard: For me, yes. But I wanted to at least be surrounded with a little humanity...to go with my money.
John: I've had a wonderful year, as has Ally. We've loved, had our hearts broken, felt enormous pain. But we lived emotionally. Now you...I've even seen a side of you crack through with Jane that I never...What Jane is referring to and I think what you're experiencing...Most of the people here, they don't live emotionally.
Richard: We need to fix that. I want this to be a place of compassion. Should we fire them?
John: Well, as acts of compassion go, that wouldn't be my first choice. But it is time for a change, Richard...a big one... [insightful music plays] ...
I didn't choose to share this quirky conversation so that people will do something drastic like fire their more reserved and conservative employees. What struck me with this particular exchange between Richard and John is that we don't feel our emotions for a long duration of time, we end up feeling hollow and empty. It's as though we are just going through the motions of daily routine without really being present. Neither am I saying that we should act on all our emotions all the time without reason. I started to think about what is may mean to live emotionally. John and Ally in Season 4 went through deep personal relationships with their respective partners but those relationships ended. They processed their emotions and sat in their grief. They came out from those relationships, with more understanding of who they are as individuals and became stronger.
Feel the emotions and appreciate the present
My youngest daughter was feeling sad the other day when she realised that I am turning 50 later this year. To her, half a century old is ancient and defies logic. She was afraid that I will die soon and will not be there with her when she becomes an adult. She asked me for advice on how to handle her pain and grief when I die. I assured her that she will be strong enough to handle the pain and it is fine to cry and grief. These feelings are normal. We then talked about not having regrets if I were to die tomorrow. That helped her with her thoughts and emotions. She is naturally a very affectionate and caring person but after this conversation, she has been even more intentional in expressing her love for me, especially before she goes to bed so that I know she loves me. Our conversation on managing grief has helped her to focus on what we have in the present moment and appreciate these moments, even if they are mundane and routine.
Feel the emotions and understand what they are trying to tell you
Just as Richard was feeling sad and didn't quite understand the reason for his sadness, his conversation with John helped him see that he missed the closeness he had with his colleagues. Everyone was too busy working on their cases, being caught up in their own lives and lost sight of the friendships they made at the workplace. If you are feeling a particular emotion and don't really understand why, sit with that emotion and reflect what has changed from your life circumstances that caused you to feel this way. If it's anger, reflect on what is causing your anger. I recently coached a client who was laid off from her job. Naturally, she had a lot of anger as she was a very engaged and proactive employee. Deep in her anger was a sense of betrayal - that the company had let her down. She used our coaching sessions to process her emotions and after the second session, she felt calmer and clearer in her mind of the next steps for her career. If we don't allow ourselves to process and experience our emotions, these emotions may grow into resentment and bitterness and cloud our judgment.
s may grow into resentment and bitterness and cloud our judgment.
Feel the emotions and use them to catapult you into action
I'm not challenging you to act impulsively on your emotions or to make important decisions rashly. My challenge to you here is to consider the actions you can take to address the root cause of your emotions. For example, you had an encounter with a colleague that was upsetting. What do you do? If after feeling the emotion and processing it, you feel comfortable to let your feelings go and know that your relationship with this colleague will continue as before, that's great! However, if after thinking things through, you feel compelled to have a conversation with your colleague to better understand the situation and to resolve the misunderstanding or concern and yet, you hesitate. Take this opportunity to plan on the desired outcome of the conversation. Go into the conversation with a clear intention and adopt an open and curious mindset. If it's anger, disappointment or resentment that you were overlooked for a promotion, ask yourself - what do you need to do next? Is it to schedule a one-to-one meeting with your manager to better understand the reasons you were not promoted and then to work on your areas of growth? Is it to consider that perhaps, it's time to upskill certain areas of your knowledge and expertise? Use your emotions as a catalyst for change - change for the better and to grow both personally and professionally.
What will you do the next time you are emotional? I hope that these three broad approaches will help you in your own reflections. If you would like to have a complimentary conversation with me to discover how I can support you as a coach, feel free to reach out to me here by dropping me a personal message. I would love to hear from you!
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
– Oscar Wilde
I hope we are all doing what we can to truly live and not just exist!
Let It Go
“Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise so I am changing myself.”
My elder daughter asked me a question earlier this week. “Mummy, do you know why you should never let Elsa hold your balloon?” It wasn’t a difficult question for me to answer given that the girls in this family are big fans of the Disney cartoon, Frozen. My answer to her was, “Yes, because she will always let it go!”
Jokes aside (and I thought it was a good one that she came up with), I find it difficult to let go of certain things - be it physical things or mental notes and emotions. We all have this tendency to hold on to things, for one reason or another. It could be for sentimental reasons, for the fear of losing something valuable that we cannot recover at a later time, for security reasons and many more. The truth is that we can easily come up with a reason to justify us holding on to something. So, why should we let go and when will we know it’s time to let go?
“You can only lose what you cling to.”
- Buddha
I came across this saying by Buddha in a social media post. It made me reflect on the aspects of letting go from a parent’s perspective. I am learning to let go for the sake of my children’s growth. My elder daughter is now in a new school and is adjusting to the school’s new schedule. She has a lot more on her plate this year. I stop myself from helping her manage her schedule and planning for the day ahead. It’s not easy for me as the protective side of me wants to ensure that she has everything in order and is well prepared. However, if I step in and help her organise, how will she be independent and learn the importance of being responsible for herself?
As for my son, he opened his first bank account two days ago. All along, we have a joint bank account where I manage his savings and earnings from his part time job last year. He wanted his own account to manage his funds independently. It gives him a sense of ownership and freedom as he will not need my permission to spend his money. I held off helping him open his bank account for some time as part of me feels that he is not ready to be that independent. Who am I kidding? Even if he is not ready, he will have to learn the nuances of handling money. The longer I put it off, the longer I am keeping him from learning these important lessons in life.
So, taking the analogy from my experiences as a parent, a sure sign that you need to let go is when by holding on to a particular way of thinking, behaving or acting is not encouraging the other person to grow. By holding on, you are actually making the person more dependent on you and there is no compulsion or incentive for that person to cut loose from you. That’s when you know you need to let go and extend trust to the other person. This could be in the form of a parent-child relationship, a manager-employee relationship or any relationships where one person is more dependent on the other. It would not be easy but when you see the person grow, you will know you did the right thing for that person.
“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”
- Raymond Lindquist
Another indication that you might need to explore letting go of a particular situation be it career options or life circumstances is when you feel that you are in your comfort zone for too long. There is a difference between being good at what you do and finding ease and fulfilment in it and stagnating in your comfort zone because it is safe and you are fearful of the unknown. If you are feeling the latter, then it’s time to figure out what is it that you really want out of your career and/or life. As I reflected on my legal career, it was challenging when I first started out as a trial attorney and I enjoyed it. However, as the years passed, there came a point where I found legal work easier and “safe” but it wasn’t fulfilling anymore. I felt that there was something missing in my life. That’s when I started exploring what my higher purpose in life is and fell in love with coaching.
Is there a situation in your life where you would like to improve? However, you are not doing it because it is easier, safer and comfortable just to remain as you are. Ask yourself, “If this is all there is to my life, am I fulfilled?”
Your honest answer will give you insight on what you need to let go of and start exploring new opportunities or shifts in your thinking and beliefs.
Coincidentally, I wrote an earlier blog post titled Letting Go in October 2021 on the mindsets you might want to let go of in order to fully embrace your highest potential in life - https://www.riverlifecoaching.com/blog/lettinggo - go check it out!
Another area of our lives to consider the need to let go is in our way of handling expectations. It’s not wrong to have expectations of yourself and others because that is how we keep ourselves and others accountable and achieve high standards of excellence in all that we do. The issue arises when we have unrealistic expectations of others. For example, first time managers who are strong individual contributors have a tendency to gauge the performance of their direct reports through the lenses of themselves, meaning that they benchmark the performance of their direct reports against how they would have done the tasks themselves. The “letting go” part here is when there is a shift in mindset in recognising that their direct reports are at different stages of their experience and technical know-how as compared to their own level of expertise. When managers start to let go and empower their people to take ownership of their tasks and responsibilities with clear and agreed mutual expectations, this will enable their people to grow and mature in their roles and the managers to take on more strategic challenges required at their level.
On a more personal level, letting go also means accepting that the other person’s way of thinking and beliefs are not the same as yours and your responsibility is not to change their thinking to be the same as yours but to understand them and to see how you can work and live with them collaboratively. For example, my thinking around spending is very different from my husband’s. He was brought up by frugal parents whereas I tend to have a more relaxed approach about spending. I recalled in our earlier years of marriage, we had arguments about what we should spend our money on and the reasons for doing so. Over the years, I’ve learnt to accept that his outlook on money is embedded in his internal rule system and the more that I try to change that system, the stronger the resistance I face. By letting go and accepting that this is who he is, I have learnt to understand his way of thinking and through open and honest communication, we have both worked to agree on ways to handle money that sit well with both our belief systems. It’s not easy but it’s definitely better than forcing each other to change when we are not willing to yet.
When you think of your work and personal relationships, what areas do you face heaviness and frustration? Identify those areas and ask yourself, “Would letting go of the way I am viewing these areas help in fostering a better relationship with this person?” It starts with deep understanding of why we think and behave the way we do and then getting curious about why the other person thinks or behave the way they do.
If you require support from a coach in any of these areas of letting go - for the sake of growth, to find your highest potential in life and to have better relationships, I’m happy to have a complimentary 30-minutes call with you to explore how we can work together. Just click here.
“The greatest step towards a life of simplicity is to learn to let go.”
– Steve Maraboli
I See You
“Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she became a butterfly.”
What comes to mind when you hear the word “recognition”? Do you feel excited when you know you are being recognised for your accomplishments? Do you shrug it off, saying that you were just lucky or had the support of your team? Deep down inside, do you doubt yourself – did you really accomplish something that is worthy of recognition?
My daughter recently received her results of a national examination. It was one of those moments in a student’s life that seems to be momentous. Her results will determine which school she is eligible to attend for the next 4 years of her academic journey. I know this poses a lot of pressure on a 12-year-old but our academic system is what it is. She was disappointed with her results and worried if she will still be able to go to the school of her choice. It was heart-breaking for me as her parent to see her go through this. I recalled having similar emotions when my son went through the same experience when he got his results of this same examination 6 years ago. He didn’t get into the school of his choice and was also disappointed. However, fast forward to today, I believe that he has become more resilient and adaptable due to this experience and hopefully, the lessons that he has learnt along the way will make him a better person.
As I reflected on what my daughter is going through now, I wonder if we have truly seen who we are and also the people in our lives. Do we really see them or do we recognise them through their accomplishments, abilities and actions? Do we validate and affirm ourselves and accept our shortcomings? I am not saying that we stay complacent and do not grow. Some of us are really hard on ourselves. We beat ourselves up when we face setbacks and failures. When we succeed, we don’t believe it or discount its significance. How can we move towards having better and clearer vision of ourselves and the people around us?
“When people are not accepting toward themselves, they are often obsessed with acceptance by others.”
- Nathaniel Branden, Canadian–American psychotherapist
The dust has settled and my daughter has submitted her application for her school of choice. Now, we wait for the outcome. As I journeyed with her in this important phase in her life, I started to think about how I see her and what I can do to see her as who she truly is.
I see you
I love it when my youngest daughter would just run up to me and give me a hug. It’s not because I did anything for her to receive that hug. It’s not due to my accomplishments and abilities. She just loves to hug me because I am her favourite Mum. [Okay, I am her only Mum!] That’s just it. She sees me as who I am to her. Her mother. Are you able to really see who you are and those around you? I know it’s difficult to see the beauty in the colleague whom you don’t quite like or a difficult family member. Try this little exercise. Imagine that person as a young child. What do you think he or she is like? What do you think makes them happy? As for yourself, can you remember what you were like as a child? Does your inner child still show up or buried away due to the pressures of adulthood? What would happen if you allow your inner child to come out and play? Would you be happier? Try it and see what happens.
I see your efforts
I see my daughter putting in hard work to prepare and study for her examinations. My husband and I affirmed her for her efforts and discussed how unfair life can be at times. We all want our efforts to pay off but at times like this, they don’t. We encouraged her to make the most of the situation and to see over time the lessons that she can learn from this. Do you take the time to acknowledge your efforts? Do you appreciate your direct report for working so hard for the project even though the outcome of the project was less than favourable? Try giving specific affirmations to yourself and others and see how that feels.
I see your journey
Life is a journey, not a destination. How often do we focus on the destinations in our lives? When I finish college, life will be better. When I get that job, I’ll be happy. When I am promoted, people will know that I have made it in life. Is this what really matters? Arriving at the destination. Do you take the time to enjoy and learn from your journey getting there? As I reflect on my journey as a coach, if I focus on the destination, I will realise that I am so far behind the other seasoned and experienced coaches and feel discouraged. However, if I focus on my journey, I will see that I have learnt and grown so much as a coach and as a person and the impact I’ve made in my clients’ lives. Isn’t the journey more meaningful and fulfilling than the destination?
Do you take the time to slow down and enjoy your journey, no matter where you are headed? I hope that you will be inspired during this holiday season to truly see who you are, also the people around you, appreciate your own efforts and theirs and cherish your life’s journey. Take time as well to release your inner child! He or she might just teach you a lesson or two that you may have forgotten!
“Life is a journey, not a destination.”
- Ralph Waldon Emerson, American essayist
L.O.A.F
“Your outlook upon life, your estimate of yourself, your estimate of your value are largely coloured by your environment. Your whole career will be modified, shaped, moulded by your surroundings, by the character of the people with whom you come in contact every day.”
The quote above hit a chord with me. We are strongly influenced by our surroundings and the people we come in contact with daily. Having been home more than usual these past 2 years due to the pandemic in a way is a blessing as I have grown to understand my children better and appreciate their unique character strengths and personalities more.
I’ve been going through a low patch recently due to happenings on the family front and also, struggles with the business. I know these are all part and parcel of my growth journey but at times, the going seems heavier especially when I find myself over-extended and not having enough rest.
My youngest daughter, whom I believe is a natural born coach (!), came up with the acronym “L.O.A.F” all by herself yesterday. She shared it with me to cheer me up. I thought it was simple and yet a powerful reminder to me especially when I am so busy, focusing on what is lacking and not recognising all that I have accomplished to date.
L - Live Positively
I guess I have been looking at my glass as half empty lately. There will be changes in my household given the current medical condition of my father-in-law so we will all have to adapt and adjust. I can also see how this is impacting my husband as he is taking on a lot more responsibilities and is also stressed. The reminder to live positively is not to disregard the challenges that lie ahead but to remember that we are still blessed with the good things in our lives. How often do we belittle what we already have when hard times hit us? This phrase also reminded me to reflect on how resilient we all are especially when we review our lives and see that we have overcome so many obstacles to be where we are today. This rough patch is not the determinant of our entire future. It is a period where we can choose to rise above it and create a positive impact on those around us.
2. Obey God
I love this reminder. I went into coaching more than 3 years ago because I believed that this is what God is calling me into, to serve Him in this phase of my life. When facing challenges in growing my coaching business, I have become disheartened and weary. Recognising that I am obeying God by taking on this path is cementing my purpose for me. It doesn’t mean that the road will get easier from here on but it gives me the energy and the strength to move forward. What is your higher purpose that you perhaps have lost sight of? How can you begin take small steps to reconnect yourself to it?
3. Always Ask
This is something I always encourage my clients to do. If you are feeling stuck in a particular situation, consider who you can reach out to ask for help. What’s the worst that can happen if you ask? At the very most, the answer is no and you are back to status quo. Imagine the possibilities if you get a “maybe” or a “yes”! Your status quo changes and opportunities present themselves to you. My daughter’s wise words reminded me that I should start thinking about reaching out to the people in my life who can help me, to make my journey less lonely. I don’t have to struggle alone. Are you in a similar situation? Have a think about seeking support from those around you. If you are curious about coaching and how I can support you as a coach, you can contact me here to book a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call.
4. Find Joy
This ties in with the first point of living positively. I am a big proponent for practising gratitude and ending each day recounting your successes, both big and small. There are successes every day. There are always events and things to be grateful for no matter how difficult our days are. My daughter’s genuine gesture of love and concern for me fills my heart with joy. I believe my joy diminished lately not because I was not practising gratitude. Rather, I was just going through the motions of writing in my gratitude journal as something to be crossed off my to-do list. I didn’t take time to connect with the feeling of gratitude as I wrote, to really appreciate and internalise the emotions of being grateful and blessed. Have you taken the time to slow down and reflect on the goodness in your life, to be energised by them and to refocus on what you want out of your life?
P.S. My daughter mentioned that she has come up with more acronyms of encouragement but has yet to share them with me! :) So, watch this space.
“You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
- Winnie the Pooh
Let's have a conversation. You’re not alone in your struggles.
Blockers!
“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
“I don’t have a choice!”
How often have you said this? I have. Countless times. We say this when our circumstances seem dire and we feel helpless. Coincidentally, I had a conversation with someone on choices earlier this week and I hear myself saying this, “We always have choices. The fact that we say that we don’t have any choices is a choice in itself.” It is easier to give up and give in to the circumstances that we are in than to see how we can improve them. Even if we cannot change our external circumstances, I am reminded of Viktor Frankl’s powerful quote, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
We can choose our thoughts, our attitude, our behaviours and our mindset.
Let’s explore this in the context of setting goals and not meeting them.
A possible reason causing us not to achieve our goals is when we are faced with unexpected barriers that we're unsure how to deal with. We may shut down and wallow in self-pity and frustration. We become discouraged. We start making excuses and convince ourselves that we were never really serious about achieving that particular goal. That it was a good to have and not something we truly desure. We allow ourselves to back off of our original plan. While this is a human and natural tendency, it's not conducive to success.
One approach which you can take to counter this natural downward progression of thoughts and emotions is to explore all those little "what ifs" and see how you can pre-empt them with possible solutions.
"What if I don't pass the prerequisite course?"
"What if I don't get the loan?"
"What if I run out of time?"
"What if the marketing doesn't work?"
"What if I just don't feel like it?"
These are all very real barriers that keep us from realizing our life goals. By planning for them, we greatly improve our chances of succeeding and experience the power of being empowered with a purpose.
What kind of blockers do you foresee?
Internal Blockers
Internal blockers include the thoughts you have about your goal, success, and how you see yourself that keep you from being successful. They include your personal fears, motivation, self-esteem, and paradigms.
"What if I just don't feel like doing my assignment?"
Possible approach - commit to yourself to working on it for at least 15 minutes. Then take a break and come back to it later. This will give you a sense of achievement.
"What if my fear of being rejected in phone calls keeps me from following through on my marketing campaign?"
Try asking a friend help you make the initial phone calls. You might feel better doing when you are not doing it alone. Take the rejections as lessons of growth to discover what you can improve on. Accepting rejections can also strengthen your resilience muscle.
"What if I find myself procrastinating?"
Ask a friend/an accountability partner/your coach to support you in reminding you spend time working on your goals. See if you can find ways to be your own accountability partner. For example, set a dedicated time each day to work on your goals and set milestones and internal timelines.
External Blockers
External blockers include barriers such as money, time, other people's reactions, resources, and results. We are not in direct control of them, but in some instances, we can still do something about it by focusing on what is within our control, planning in advance and taking those steps to improve our situation.
"What if the client turns down my proposal?"
Try thinking - if I don’t submit my proposal, I remain in status quo as in I am not working with this client. If the client rejects my proposal, it still provides an opportunity to ask questions to see how I can improve my proposal and resubmit it.
"What if I lose the materials for the conference I’m presenting in?"
Prepare for this outcome - email them to yourself as a back-up. If you need hard copies printed, arrange in advance with the organisers for this to be done. Make a copy for yourself as well.
"What if the supply of product A doesn’t arrive in time to meet the client’s deadline?"
Anticipate such delays and keep the client informed in order to manage their expectations. Work with your team to brainstorm alternative solutions. Remember that you do not need to solve this all by yourself if you are working in a team or managing a team. Leverage on each other’s strengths.
These are just some simple examples to illustrate that there is always a choice to approach the many obstacles we face in our lives. I hope that you will be encouraged not to give up hope and to learn to view your circumstances from a different lens, one that empowers and uplifts you.
If you would like to explore how coaching can help you stay on course with your goals, I would love to support you in your life’s journey. Schedule a complimentary 30-minutes call with me at this link.
“There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.”
― Shannon L. Alder
What is your choice?
Great Expectations
“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
Do you subscribe to this way of living as conveyed by Jonathan Swift? It is painful to be disappointed. We all have been disappointed by people in our lives and we too have disappointed others. We’re only human. However, to live a life without expectations - is that the answer to living a happy life? I think it may work for a while but may not be sustainable. We all have expectations, be it about ourselves or others. If we don’t have any expectations, life would seem empty. I think if we don’t expect anything out of life, it’s more likely than not, we will not have anything meaningful in life.
What are your expectations for your life? Are you excited about your future or are you facing it with apprehension and fear? For most people, the future holds too many uncertainties and the fear of what might happen tends to overshadow the ray of light that represents the life they ultimately desire. One of the hardest things to do in life is to lift yourself out of your current circumstances and step up to the level of life you desire.
We all live with an unconscious expectation of ourselves and our own lives. This expectation not only determines what we have in our lives but it also represents what we are willing to settle for. Expectation is a very powerful emotion and one that very few people ever learn to fully cultivate. Whatever you expect with certainty is what you will get in your life. Expectation is the emotional state where an idea becomes so real that you feel it even though you can't hold it yet. Expectation is like an invisible magnet that will attract into your life that which you expect. When you expect something, you activate and engage those parts of your mind and your nervous system that can empower you to think the unthinkable and do the undoable. One of the most powerful ways to cultivate expectation is to develop a very clear vision for your life.
(Read my blog post, Check Your Vision, published on 27 January 2022, on ways to have a clear vision of your goals)
Most people never even make the time to really define what they want from their lives. Sometimes, we kind of know what we want but we don’t believe we can have it so we just hope something will come along one day to change our path and our dreams will be fulfilled. Expectation, however, is a completely different mindset. It is a mindset of absolute certainty that can be consciously cultivated. To turn a hope into an expectation, you simply eliminate doubt and fear by eliminating the opposing outcome. Instead of "seeing" something as failing or succeeding, you focus on your steps towards success.
When a woman is pregnant, we would say she is expecting. In other words, she knows that beyond a shadow of a doubt exactly what's going to happen on or around the 9th month of her pregnancy. Although some of the details are still unclear, she is certain that she will have a baby and not something unknown. On an emotional level, she can already feel the connection to her baby although she can't see and hold her baby yet. What you expect for your life is exactly like that. When you start to expect for your life that which you absolutely desire, your whole mindset turns from an uncertain hoping and wishing to the certainty of expecting. The images you encourage and entertain in your mind's eye, what you say to yourself and everybody else reflects only the results you are committed to.
Most people expect the worst and hope for the best. Our cultural conditioning has taught us things like "don't get your hopes up" – just in case you might be disappointed. We've been taught to aim as low as possible. Everything above that will be a bonus. Right? Wrong! Remember that what you expect with certainty is what you will get in your life. You have to break away from your autopilot mode of living a life where you are not really happy but you are not doing anything about it. If you want to lift your life and the quality of your life to a higher level than what it is now, you need to start raising your expectations. Raise your expectations of what you are as a person and what you believe you deserve. What you believe you deserve is based on your expectations. When you lift your expectations to a higher level, you believe that better things are in store for you and you will consciously take steps to improve your life.
You don’t need any special skills or knowledge to raise your expectations. You simply need a decision that from this point onwards, you will not settle for anything less than you can possibly be. The difference between hoping for something with uncertainty and depending on something with expectation is nothing but the way you control and direct the focus of your mind. What you say to yourself, the images you imagine and your behaviour are what you can consciously control and direct but only if you choose to. If not, you will revert back to the autopilot way of living and just go with the flow of "whatever" comes along.
Great expectations require intent, discipline and commitment. You believe you can create great results. The difference between great expectations and weak hopes is nothing but a mindset; a mindset that can make the difference between living a life of fulfilment and one of desperation and frustration. You have the choice. What will you choose?
“We can each define ambition and progress for ourselves. The goal is to work toward a world where expectations are not set by the stereotypes that hold us back, but by our personal passion, talents and interests.”
- Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Meta
If this topic resonates with you and you want to shift towards having great expectations about your life, I’m happy to support you as your coach. Let’s chat - reach out to me here!
Are You Successful?
“A successful life is one that is lived through understanding and pursuing one’s own path, not chasing after the dreams of others.”
This year’s Lunar New Year celebrations were subdued for me. We didn’t have many visitors given the restrictions on the number of unique visitors per day, capped at 5 persons. It’s also my second year not being home with my parents during this season. The Lunar New Year is a time for family reunions, meeting up with family members and friends whom you have not seen in a while. I recalled that when I was young and single, the most common question which I had to answer every Lunar New Year was whether or not I had a boyfriend. My answer for many years was no and my uncles and aunts were always very worried for me as they knew that I was very busy as a litigation lawyer and deeply cared about my social life, or the lack thereof. My parents did not pressure me into settling down, which I’m truly grateful for. In a recent conversation with an ex-colleague two nights ago, I asked her the same thing about her adult children. I cringed the moment after I asked the question! Why did I ask that? It was only then that I realise how much of a hold old ways of thinking still have on me.
For most Chinese, and to a large extent Asian families, there is a structured way of looking at one’s life to determine whether one is successful or not. It starts when you are young where your relatives will ask you about your academic performance. It is very important to have good grades. I know my son is relieved that no relatives have asked him this Lunar New Year about his choice of college and future academic plans. Once you have completed your education, the questions will relate to the types of job you hold. A stable permanent job proves to your relatives that you are mature and capable of supporting yourself. I know times have changed vastly and permanency of a particular role is not one of the top criteria for someone who is looking for work today. However, I think it’s still a long way off for us to fully embrace the gig economy and flexible work. I was having a fixed mindset about my career and purpose not too long ago and it was only when I started training as a coach back in 2019 that I had my own perspective shifts.
Another favourite topic of discussion as I have earlier alluded to is your relationship status. Why are you still single? Well meaning relatives will start thinking of possible suitors you should meet. If you eventually settle down in a marriage, the next question is when will you start a family? I recalled well-intentioned aunts telling me that I shouldn’t focus so much on my legal career. They reminded me that it’s very sad to end up as an old spinster with no husband and no children. You would have thought the questions will stop after I was married. No, the focus then moved on to why I wasn’t having any children yet. It also didn’t stop after I had my son. The questions eventually stopped after my 3rd child!
I also found that there was a lot of comparison when we gathered together with extended family members during the past Lunar New Years. They compare you with their own children or people of your age and gauge if you are successful or not based on the most successful person in their circles. it’s usually someone who had studied at a good school, worked in a credible organisation and have what appears externally as a solid marriage with well-behaved children. Is this what it means to be successful?
How would you answer if someone asked you, “Are you successful?”
“Success is not measured by what you do compared to what somebody else does. Success is measured by what you do compared to what you are capable of doing.”
- Zig Ziglar, American author
How often do we reflect and take stock of how far we have come in terms of our accomplishments in life? Do we take the time to celebrate or do we just shrug it off as pure luck and move on? I came across this article which was published in Harvard Business Review in February 2004 and you can find it at this link, titled Success That Lasts by Laura Nash and Howard H. Stevenson. They had interviewed hundreds of professionals to study the assumptions behind the idea of success. They deduced from their research that there are four components to success: happiness, achievement, significance and legacy and unless you are able to touch on all four categories with regularity, you are unlikely to feel that you have been successful in life. The article helps you build your personal kaleidoscope framework of these four components to enable you to see which components require more of your time, effort and attention. The exercise is found on page 12 of the article. It will help you to frame your thoughts on success and see how your evaluations of self, family, work and community fall into each component.
After you have completed the exercise and would like to develop ways to enable you to live out your personal kaleidoscope framework more effectively, my invitation to you is to schedule a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me. Take this first step to define your personal definition of success!
Check Your Vision
“Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.”
This is the season for resolutions, goals setting, resetting our focus and planning for the rest of the year. I may be but a little late in writing this blog post but better late than never. How has the month of January been for you? Did it start off on a positive note with you being full of energy, hope and optimism? Or has it been a challenging start given the issues you were facing last year have also followed you into the new year? On the personal front, it has been a bit of both for me. I am definitely seeing growth in my coaching business and my legal consulting work is also steady at the moment. Health wise, I could be doing better and my elbow injury still acts up every now and again if I am not careful with it. It’s also been a challenging time for my teenage son with his college applications and a rushed hospital visit to have a procedure done on his feet to cure an infection. January has been extremely busy for me on all fronts. I know that I cannot keep up this pace for the entire year!
The busyness served as a good reminder to me to find time to settle down and rethink my vision for this year. What do I want to see happen by the end of this year? What would make the year fulfilling and successful for me when I arrive at 31 December 2022?
What about you?
Are you also being pushed along by the obligations and pressures of life? Are you allowing other less important things to get in the way of accomplishing what you really want? Perhaps, it’s time to do a VISION check. Just as it is important to get our eyes checked regularly to ensure that we will be able to see clearly, it is equally important to do a VISION check to be certain that we are living our lives aligned with our purpose and goals.
VIVID PICTURE
Have you created a vivid picture in your imagination as to what your completed goal will look, feel, and sound? Have you added sensory details, paying particular attention to what emotions you will experience when you have achieved your goal? Many people omit this step or they make a half-hearted attempt at it. As a result, their goal is not real to them. We get easily distracted by day-to-day events. This step to have a vivid picture of your goal takes time and thought which is why many people don’t do it. However, if you don’t have a clear picture in your mind as to what you are trying to accomplish, how will you ever attain it? Developing a clear, vivid picture is critical if you want to achieve your goal.
INSPIRATION
Do you feel inspired by your goal? Does thinking about it make you smile? If not, then go back to your vivid picture and change it until you are excited about it. Goals take effort. They often require that we change and do things that may be a stretch for us. If the goal isn’t something you really want in the first place, then why bother trying to achieve it? Connect with why you were inspired to set this goal in the first place.
When you come up with a goal, don’t limit yourself by what you think you can accomplish. Decide what you truly want. Many people have achieved enormous successes in their lives because they had big goals. When you are inspired enough by your dream, you will find a way to make it a reality.
SUSTAINED BELIEF
Do you have a sustained belief you will achieve your goal? If you don’t expect to accomplish your goal, then you probably won’t. Sometimes it takes extraordinary courage to believe, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that we will be successful. Things go wrong. Problems come up. It is easy to get discouraged. That is the time when you most need to have sustained belief. You can get through the difficult times if you believe you can. People rise to the level of their own beliefs. When you believe you will be successful, then you will eventually achieve what you set out to do.
IDENTIFY
Do you identify with your goal now even though you have not yet achieved it? We must begin to identify with the person we want to become. Once or twice each day, play the picture of your completed goal in your mind. Live your goal in your imagination and experience all of the wonderful emotions that go with it. As you continue to do this, you will find that your thoughts and behaviours become more aligned with the person you will be when you achieve your goal.
OBSERVANT
Are you observant as to what actions that are taking you closer to your goal and those that are moving you further away? When we create an action plan for our goal, some of the ideas included in it will work and others won’t. After you take a specific action, observe the result. If it is positive, then continue to do it. If you don’t get the result you expected then modify it and try again. By being observant about what is working and what isn’t, you can adjust your strategy as needed so that you will continue to move closer to your goal.
NEVER GIVE UP!
Have you adopted a “never give up” attitude? Have you made a decision that you will not quit no matter how long it takes to achieve your goal? If you don’t have this attitude, you might find that obstacles overwhelm you. They might be too difficult to overcome and there is a strong likelihood that you will quit before achieving what you want. However, when you adopt a “never give up” attitude, there is a conviction within you that will carry you through until you reach your goal.
“Goals. There's no telling what you can do when you get inspired by them. There's no telling what you can do when you believe in them. And there's no telling what will happen when you act upon them.”
-Jim Rohn, American entrepreneur
If you are interested in exploring the VISION of your goals and would like support from me as your coach, I would love to speak to you in a 30-minutes discovery call to see how we can work together.
The Extra Mile
“Put “going the extra mile” to work as part of one’s daily habit.”
My husband and I bought our son a Dell laptop for his Christmas present. It arrived on 28 December just as we were having dinner. My son followed the instructions provided in the laptop itself for Windows installation. Little did we know that what ensued would be so frustrating. Somehow, the Windows installation failed the first time and I spent almost 9 hours yesterday speaking to several Dell technicians over the phone, trying to get this resolved. Each technician offered some tips over the phone, sent me instructions over email and said they would call back to check. They never did and the issue remain unresolved. I was extremely disappointed with the outcome - my time was wasted; a brand-new laptop was useless and we were all tired and frustrated. Who would have thought software installation would cause the entire family so much grief?!!
I called Dell Support again this morning with the intent to arrange for a technician to drop by my home to resolve this issue or to return the laptop for a full refund. I got neither. Instead, a very patient technician, Ahmad, listened to my frustration. He explained that he could not arrange a technician for a home visit unless it is confirmed that it is a hardware defect. I didn’t want to listen as I was tired from yesterday’s experience. However, he took time to explain to me how he can help and agreed that his colleagues did not provide me with adequate information to handle the installation process by myself. He offered to stay on the line for as long as it takes until Windows installation is properly done. I was reluctant at first as I didn’t want to be tied up on the phone and going through everything I did yesterday but eventually, I agreed.
He did as he promised. He guided me throughout the entire process with precision and clarity. We were on the phone for almost 3 hours. At the end, Windows was properly installed on our laptop. I wanted to give Ahmad the commendation he deserves but he told me any positive feedback I gave would go to the technician who opened the ticket and he would not receive any recognition. I thought that was not fair so I insisted for another way to provide feedback about his excellent customer service. After much persuasion, he said I could email his manager about what he did for me today and I did just that. Ahmad’s humility, patience and professionalism made my day. Not only was the issue resolved, I felt valued and important. He took the time and effort to make me feel that I wasn’t just a ticket number but a person who needed help and he was the person to provide just the help I needed.
My experience with Ahmad and the quote from Bruce Lee above made me reflect on how we show up in our daily lives. Do we do the bare minimum as per the requirements, the job scope, the mandate, etc.? We go through the motions with lacklustre performance, thinking nobody cares. Why do I need to go the extra mile?
I don’t know with certainty why Ahmad went the extra mile for me whereas his other colleagues yesterday preferred to move on to the other customers waiting on the line and didn’t take the time to fully understand the predicament I was in. Ahmad said his other colleagues’ notes didn’t make sense and he took pains to understand what actually happened yesterday. He shyly commented that each technician has their own way of doing things when I praised him. He didn’t, at any point in time, say anything negative about his colleagues. That is admirable.
I believe Ahmad went the extra mile because he took pride in his work. Perhaps, it’s his personal work ethics to provide the best support to each customer. I know that by staying on the line that long with me, knowing that the credit will not to go to him but to another colleague, he was losing out on his performance indicators of opening new tickets under his name. Yet, never once, did I sense any resentment, impatience or reluctance in his voice. Perhaps, he didn’t see his job as just a job but an opportunity for him to serve, to help one customer at a time. Whatever his reasons were, he made my day and for that, I am truly grateful.
“Do more than is required. What is the distance between someone who achieves their goals consistently and those who spend their lives and careers merely following? The extra mile.”
- Gary Ryan Blair, American author
As we wrap up 2021, I hope my post encourages you to keep going the extra mile in what you do even when during those thankless, mundane days. I’m sure when Ahmad woke up this morning, he didn’t think he was going to spend 3 hours on the phone with a frustrated customer. I’m glad he did because his simple act of treating my concerns with utmost care and importance inspired this post. When you do anything with integrity, with intent and with purpose, holding yourself true to your values, you will be noticed. You will be recognised. You will make a difference. I hope you believe that as you approach your life journey in 2022!
As Dr. Wayne Dyer puts it, “It’s never crowded along the extra mile.” Not many of us walk that extra mile but when you do, you’ll find that you will have true walking companions with you and you will never be alone. That’s what makes life rich and fulfilling. I hope to be one of your true walking companions and let’s have a conversation in 2022. Book my time here.
Legacy of Faith
“The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”
My husband’s grandmother passed away this Tuesday, 30 November, in her sleep at a local community hospital. She was 97 years old and she leaves behind 5 sons and 5 daughters, my mother-in-law being one of them and 23 grandchildren and 19 great grandchildren. My husband and I attended the wake last night. There was an air of calmness and all of us were filled with a sense of peace and awe. 3 eulogies were respectively given by her youngest son, my father-in-law and the eldest granddaughter. The common sentiment was that she was a woman of faith. She prayed ceaselessly for all her children. She only had one year of formal education and yet, taught herself how to read Chinese. Her youngest son recounted that he would hear her reading her Chinese bible softly while running her fingers along each word. He also shared that she would always tell her children that she wasn’t hungry and would be the last to eat as times were hard for them in those days. Her granddaughter shared that Grandma would always check on her and the other grandchildren to ensure that they attended church and that their individual faith walk is strong. My father-in-law shared that he converted from Taoism to Christianity because of her love and her persistent encouragement to share her faith with him.
I only knew Grandma in the later years of her life. She succumbed to dementia a few years after I married my husband so I never really knew the amazing woman who was spoken of with such love and admiration. There were times in the recent years that she had forgotten who I was and I also had to explain to her who my children were. I knew that she adored all her great grandchildren as she often played simple card games and did arts and craft activities with them. I recalled one occasion where my two daughters played a simple jigsaw puzzle game with her and she kept praising them for being able to solve the puzzle quickly.
Due to the Covid-19 restrictions, we did not visit her as often as we would like to. She also spent most of this year in the hospital. Her caregivers, my uncle and aunt, took care of her for over 23 years and more than 2/3 of that time, she was deteriorating due to her dementia. My husband and I were truly moved and touched when our aunt shared about how she longed to hear her name being called by Grandma as Grandma had forgotten her name these past few years. She prayed for strength and perseverance as caring for Grandma was not easy. God answered her prayer on my aunt’s birthday this April when Grandma spontaneously called out her name as my aunt walked towards her. It was the confirmation she needed that God heard her prayers and that Grandma still remembered who she was. Our aunt felt peace since that day.
Often, we hold people in high regard due to their successes and accomplishments in life. We often forget or neglect to recognise the simple acts of faith and love which truly signifies what a successful and fulfilled life looks like. Grandma was a simple, uneducated woman. Yet, her legacy of faith has shaped and moulded her sons and daughters, their children and their children’s children to live strong, faith filled lives, creating positive ripple effects in the lives of people around them.
The purpose of my post today is to encourage each of you to keep doing the good deeds that you do. You may be feeling discouraged and demotivated because you do not see the fruits of your labour now. Take heart that the seeds of your labour will eventually grow into trees of testimonies of your life. If you feel that no one appreciates or recognises your toils and suffering now, be comforted that God knows what you’re going through and He will meet your every need. Even if you are not a believer, know that your efforts in taking care of your elderly parent or ill child will be rewarded in the later years. Reflect on the legacy that you want to leave behind. What do you want your eulogy to be?
My hope for each of you is that as we wind down this year, you will be able to spend time with your loved ones, creating last memories of love and joy, to last for the years to come.
“The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.”
-Unknown
The Prosperity in Gratitude
“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”
Happy Thanksgiving!
We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in Singapore. However, my daughters’ school initiated a Thanksgiving Day last Thursday as it was the last day of the school year for them. They had a picnic although it was an odd one. They brought their own sandwiches, biscuits and fruits to school and each ate at their individual desks, due to the ongoing social distancing measures that are in place. My daughters were still thankful as it was a lighter day at school without heavy going lessons and they exchanged small gifts amongst their friends.
I thought it would be apt to write a post on gratitude and giving thanks. This is the time of year when we give thanks. It's the time when we look around our lives and feel grateful for all that we have. Our families, friends, and all of the love in our lives. We are grateful for the work that we do. We look to see the silver lining in all of our difficult situations, and feel grateful for the opportunity to learn so much from. Did you notice how abundant you felt when you were standing in place of all of that gratitude?
Gratitude is a powerful thing to exercise when we are looking to create more abundance in our lives. Why? As we focus on all that we are grateful for, we begin to feel more abundant and contented. As we focus on what we have, it shifts our perspective from a place of scarcity to a place of abundance. As we focus on our joy, we eventually end up creating more of it in our lives. Likewise, as we focus on love, we feel grateful for all the love that is in our lives and want to share that love with others.
When you create from a place of love, your life will become more joyous and richer.
The question is, "It's Thanksgiving, but shouldn't we practice gratitude all of the time?" The answer is yes! Especially if you would like to create more joy, peace, and prosperity in your life.
“Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.”
- John Wooden, American basketball coach
Integrating Gratitude into Your Life
When things are going well
It’s easier to be grateful when things are going well in your life. That being said, many of my clients find it difficult to be grateful for their accomplishments, their successes and the blessings in their lives. It’s not that they don’t want to. Often, it’s because they feel that they didn’t deserve them and it was due to luck or someone else’s assistance. They don’t believe the events were important enough to warrant making such a big fuss about them. They may also be sub-consciously worried that if they attach too much importance or attention to these events, they might be taken away from them, that something bad might happen just around the corner. I help my client to truly appreciate what they have in the present moment. We work together to address the limiting and unhealthy beliefs that they have. These beliefs could have come from past experiences in their lives - how they were brought up, painful life experiences, something someone said to them - the list goes on. The main thing is to recognise what happened in the past does not affect the gratitude that you feel for the present events. I encourage my clients to sit with their feelings of gratitude when they first feel them, not to shrug them away or move to the next feeling or thing to do. Just to sit and embrace the emotion and feel all the sensations that it brings to the body. It’s like taking the time to enjoy your ice cream and all the taste sensations instead of worrying about how quickly it’s melting or where you have to run off to! Enjoy your ice cream!
When things are not going well
Admittedly, this is the hardest time to feel grateful. My personal practice is to appreciate the lessons I’m learning from the difficult situations in my life. I believe, as a Christian, God is allowing these situations to enable me to grow in areas of my life which need attention. For example, I have a difficult person in my life whom I interact with often. Removing that person from my life is not possible. I learnt to be grateful for the lessons of patience and empathy in this relationship. On the days when my cup is full, when I have taken good care of myself, it’s easy to see these lessons and be grateful for them. On days when I am stressed, worn out and running on empty, it’s much easier to wallow in self-pity, feel frustrated and angry. However, I reflect in my gratitude journal at the end of those days of the lessons learnt. For certain situations, the lessons or the gifts will not be apparent until years down the road. It’s important to remember that you are doing the best that you can in the present moment as you are only human. Also remember that you are not alone and if you reach out for help and support, there will always be someone in your life for this season of need.
When you just don’t feel grateful
There are days when you just don’t feel grateful. It’s not that you are going through a difficult time. You’re probably having a normal day with nothing special happening. Here are some suggestions on growing your gratitude muscles for such days.
Look for what you want to see vs. what you don't want to see. Too often we go about our day waiting and expecting awful things to happen, or we expect to be disappointed. Seek out things that you want to focus on - the good and positive things. If you are thinking of buying a red car, chances are you will see red cars everywhere! What you put your mind’s focus on, the more likely you are going to attract it.
Appreciate and be grateful for something about you. Be grateful that you have a beautiful smile and a heart of gold. Be grateful that you are a savvy business person, or that you are inventive or intuitive. Be grateful that you are a wonderful parent. Be grateful that you are not perfect. Choose one thing about yourself that you are grateful today!
If it's difficult to find something to be grateful about yourself, start by looking around your world and appreciating that. The snow, the leaves, the sun. Look for beauty in your life. Focus on the penny that you do have vs. the one that you don't.
I wish each of you a very blessed Thanksgiving and a festive celebration session as we draw near to the close of this year. May you always be surrounded by people who love you and experience the warmth of their presence with you. If you want to explore coaching and discover how I can support you, you can reach out to me here.
“Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty.”
- Doris Day, American actress
What Type of Introvert are You?
“Introverts naturally need and want to pull away sometimes. We go quiet to gather our thoughts or disappear for a while to daydream.”
My children inspire my posts. I watch them learn from their life experiences and I learn along with them. However, it’s my youngest daughter (age 9) who proactively looks for materials and topics for me to write about. You can call her my muse! She found this interesting little video of the four types of introverts.
Credit goes to Psych2Go You Tube channel and research from Cheek, J.M., Brown, C.A., & Grimes, J.O. (2014, Sept.). Personality scales for four domains of introversion: Social, Thinking, Anxious, and Restrained Introversion. Preliminary Research Manual, Department of Psychology, Wellesley College, Wellesley MA. Retrieved 23 July from www.academia.edu/7353616/Four_Meanings_of_Introversion_Social_Thinking_Anxious_and_Inhibited_Introversion
We all know that people cannot be put in buckets and boxed in to a particular trait. We are unique, complex and sometimes messy individuals. However, learning and understanding how you behave and react in certain circumstances will help you develop greater self-awareness to choose the appropriate responses to the difficult and awkward situations in your life.
I don’t like the traditional definition of “introvert” i.e., a shy and reticent individual. Introverts are often thought of as being shy. It’s because we are quiet and we think a lot in our heads. The better explanation of introversion and one that I resonate with is where we draw our energy from. Introverts draw our energy from within ourselves. We find joy in spending time alone, doing what we enjoy or just being who we are in a quiet place. Extroverts draw their energy from social interaction and conversations and are generally more open to expressing their thoughts aloud. Shyness can be overcome. Introversion is part of who you are.
This little video explains the four types of introverts. I can relate to all 4 types and know that I show them at different times of my life. Have a think about the type(s) that you resonate most with.
Social Introvert
Being a social introvert, you enjoy spending time with your close friends and are comfortable in being open and honest with your friends. You are relaxed and at ease with them. Those who don’t know you well may even think you are extroverted when they see you with your friends. However, like the other types of introverts, you crave time alone, to recharge and refresh yourself. My children think that I fall into this category because I enjoy social interaction, especially when I’m talking about my passions - coaching and empowering introverted women. At the same time, I also love doing this - spending time by myself, writing my posts and just reading and thinking about the information I’ve gathered. I can go on for hours doing this and will feel energised, walking away with a sense of contentment and accomplishment.
Thinking Introvert
I believe all introverts often show traits of being a thinking introvert as we enjoy being with our thoughts. We spend time imagining our lives - all the possibilities and living out our dream lives in our minds. What we need is that push to get out of our heads and to start living our dream outside our minds. We are introspective and truly in-tune with our emotions. I know my middle daughter shows this trait a lot especially when she is focused on a piece of work or when she is thinking of what to bake. She has a creative imagination and yet, is hesitant to voice her thoughts even to me. It takes time for her to open up and trust that what she shares to anyone will be received with the same care and love as when she conceived those thoughts in her mind.
Anxious Introvert
You can say that an anxious introvert is the opposite of a social introvert. They are very self-conscious in social settings and perhaps, a little too hard on themselves. They worry about doing or not doing the “right” thing in a social event, before, during and even long after the event has ended. I see this trait in all of m 3 children. My teenage son would avoid social events if he knows that he will be put in the spotlight. He doesn’t want the attention. My youngest daughter wants to make more friends and she often discusses approaches on how to start conversations with her potential new friends with us. It provides her comfort and assurance when she practises these conversations with us. I’m really happy that she is making the effort to do so and this is her act of pushing out of her comfort zone.
Restrained Introvert
Restrained introverts thrive in their routines. They are willing to be out in social events but will require advance planning and have a clear idea of what is expected of them in these events. They don’t like surprises or unforeseen changes. They need time to “warm up”, to gather their thoughts and are very careful before they articulate their thoughts to their listeners. Restrained introverts find it challenging to be impromptu in brainstorming meetings and prefer to share their ideas in writing circulated to the participants prior to the meetings. I often coach my restrained introverted clients to find their unique ways to be comfortable and “step out” to present their thoughts to their audience.
What has come up for you as you read the descriptions of the 4 types of introverts? Do they relate to any of them? What areas are challenging for you?
If being visible and being more comfortable in showing up professionally is something you need to step out from your comfort zone, I would love to discuss how my signature program - Introverted Visibility - can help you get started in doing so. Book your complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me today!
“Everyone shines, given the right lighting.”
- Susan Cain, American author
Let’s find the right lighting for you!
Creating the Best Year of Your Life
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
As we look back at this year, a lot of us feel that we didn’t accomplish much. It’s like Groundhog Day with more restrictions, more uncertainties and less direction than what we were facing last year. Many of us feel that we are languishing rather than flourishing. What can we do to end this year well and set the right intentions for next year?
The following questions can be looked at once a year, once a month or whenever you're looking for some direction in your life. I invite you to take a good hard look at your life more than once a year.
You'll get a lot more out of your life if you're more intentional about the life that you're living.
These questions are designed to help you to reflect on your accomplishments this year and to formulate the new year from a clean slate. By working on the following questions, you will complete this year powerfully so you can have the “mind space” to build your masterplan for the new year.
Looking at this year:
1. What do I want to be acknowledged for?
2. What did I accomplish?
3. What did I want to accomplish that I did not accomplish? (Do I still want to do this?)
4. What did I say I would do that I didn't do? (Do I still want to do this?)
5. Who do I need to be in communication with?
6. What were my biggest disappointments?
7. What did I learn? - List 3 lessons which will make the most difference if you remember them this year?
(See them as guidelines for next year).
Changing patterns:
1. How do you limit yourself and how can you transform these actions to be powerful?
2. What do you say to yourself to explain your failures? (These false beliefs are your limiting paradigm).
3. List your limiting paradigm.
4. What new paradigm do you want to shift into? (Ideally, your new paradigm is personal, positive, in the present tense and clearly stated, pointing to an exciting and hopeful future)
5. Consider living out your new paradigm daily. Write it down in a place where you can see it often. Read your new paradigm aloud first thing in the morning and before going to bed each day.
Looking ahead:
1. What are your personal values? What is most important to you in your life? What drives you?
2. What roles do you play in your life? Rate each role on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the most important.
3. Where is your life out of balance? If you could put one problem behind you, once and for all, what would it be?
4. Which role is your major focus for next year? (In what role do you want a breakthrough performance? If you could put a check mark by one of these roles at the end of next year showing that you felt good about how you are playing that role, which one would it be?)
5. What are your goals for each role?
The following is an excerpt from Michael Hyatt’s book titled “Your Best Year Ever: A 5-Step Plan for Achieving Your Most Important Goals:
“1. Set Your Goals Set seven to ten goals you want to achieve for the year. Make them SMARTER: ‣ Specific ‣ Measurable ‣ Actionable ‣ Risky ‣ Time-keyed ‣ Exciting ‣ Relevant Make sure you focus on the Life Domains where you need to see improvement. List just a few per quarter; that way you can concentrate your attention and keep a steady pace throughout the year.
2. Decide on the Right Mix of Achievements and Habits. Achievement goals represent one-time accomplishments. Habit goals represent new regular, ongoing activity. Both are helpful for designing your best year ever, but you need to decide on the right balance for your individual needs. The only right answer is the one that works for you.
3. Set Goals in the Discomfort Zone The best things in life usually happen when we stretch ourselves and grow. That’s definitely true for our designing our best year ever. But it runs counter to our instincts, doesn’t it? Follow these four steps to overcome the resistance: Acknowledge the value of getting outside your Comfort Zone. It all starts with a shift in your thinking. Once you accept the value of discomfort, it’s a lot easier going forward. Lean into the experience. Most of the resistance is in our minds, but we need more than a shift in thinking. By leaning in, we’re also shifting our wills. Notice your fear. Negative emotions are sure to well up. Don’t ignore them. Instead, objectify them and compare the feelings to what you want to accomplish. Is the reward greater than the fear? Don’t overthink it. Analysis paralysis is real. But you don’t need to see the end from the beginning or know exactly how a goal will play out. All you need is clarity on your next step.”
“Is this next year just going to be another year, not that different from the rest, or are you going to make this your breakthrough year?”
-Michael Hyatt
Let’s work together to get that clarity on your next step and start walking towards your breakthrough year.
Speak to me before 15 Dec for a special price of my coaching program.
Born to be an Optimist?
“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Are you a “half full or half empty cup” type of person? When I searched the image library for the photo above, I typed “half empty glass” instead of “half full glass”. By default, I seem to think about what’s lacking instead of what’s available. I guess I’ve always had this in-built propensity towards planning for the worst-case scenarios. It could be due to my legal training or it could even go back to all the way when I was a child. I didn’t have any older siblings to watch over me so I always made it a point to plan for all contingencies. It has served me well over the years. However, as I reflect, if I had been more relaxed and accepting of the outcomes, I would have lived those events of my life without the anxiety and stress.
Am I born an optimist? My immediate answer would be a “no”. However, optimism can be learnt. Learned Optimism (which is also the title of one of his books) is a concept from Positive Psychology’s founding father, Dr. Martin Seligman, which argues that we can cultivate a positive perspective. According to Dr. Seligman, everyone is born optimistic. And yet, 95% of grownups are pessimists, not optimists. What happened there? Some people see the glass as half empty. Others see it as half full. But is it really as simple as that? Is it possible to be a bit of both?
How would a “half full” type of person view a problem? An optimist, when faced with a problem, tends to find the upside to the situation and starts figuring out ways to solve that problem, or ways to turn it around. A pessimist, however, immediately throws up his hands, and yells, “That’s it; it’s all over. I can’t handle this anymore.” He may also distance himself from the problem, pretending it doesn’t matter. This is denial, and it never works. Or like me, he would visualise all the worst possible outcomes and worry about each of them, feeling stressed and anxious when he is not able to come up with a solution to address each of these hypothetical scenarios.
When you think about it, it’s rarely an all or nothing situation. Most people tend to be an optimist for some of the times and a pessimist at other times. The reality is that things turn out according to how we think and feel about the situation. If a person feels like something will go well or feels optimistic about it, it usually seems to go well. The same is true of the reverse. When someone feels like something will go badly, it tends to do just that.
An indication that you are dealing with a pessimist is in a simple phrase they will use in stressful situations - “I can’t”. The pessimist is helpless, powerless and it shows in his response. The optimist responds with - “I won’t”. The optimist is making a conscious choice, not just reacting.
An optimist prefers to think more positively. They focus on what they really want, not what might happen to them.
Think about the following statements:
- Optimists achieve their goals because they never give up.
- Optimists are happier, healthier and more energetic than pessimists.
- Optimists are easier to be around, inspiring people around to be positive.
- Optimists live longer and suffer from fewer and less severe diseases.
These are all probably true just by the fact that optimists’ positive thinking makes challenging situations “not that bad” after all.
True optimism is not sitting back, thinking positive thoughts, and hoping everything will turn out all right. It’s how you see the world, positively rather than negatively. You face each situation, each problem, and each occasion with an outlook of growth and learning and you always look forward to the “benefits” you will derive from it. What is the lesson that this situation is showing me? What is the strength I need to grow here in order to handle this circumstance?
You have a choice. “Change your thoughts and change your world,” said Norman Vincent Peale, an American minister. What it comes down to is that your attitude is a conscious choice. If you choose pessimism, you’re choosing to see the down side of every situation, judge people unfairly, and live unhappily the rest of your life.
On the other hand, if you choose optimism, you’re empowering yourself to see the positive side of each challenge, seeing the good in people, helping them to see the good in life too. Taking action to further improve your own life, and living happily with friends and family who care about you. Attracting all good to yourself. Choosing to be more optimistic and positive does not mean you won’t encounter difficult times, trauma, loss and many challenges. What it does mean is that you will have more power on your side to help you through those tough times. You’ll bounce back faster and make better choices, rather than letting life just wash over you. You’ll learn to be proactive, instead of reactive.
We can learn to be optimistic by addressing the 3Ps of any given situation. As described by Dr. Seligman, a pessimist will view a situation as being personal, pervasive and permanent.
Personalization
If something bad happens, a pessimist will attribute it to internal factors. “It must be me. I am not good enough.” They’ll see that failure or setback as something that’s their fault, personalizing the outcome.
Optimists externalize instead. Their immediate thought is not to blame themselves and they consciously choose to learn from the situation and not attribute its occurrence as something they brought onto themselves.
Pervasiveness
A pessimist may catastrophize, “I did a terrible job; I’ll never be hired again – EVER.” Someone who views an undesirable outcome as pervasive will also be more inclined to believe that it will impact other aspects of their lives, too. “I am not able to hold a job. This means I am a bad person. No one will love me. My family despises me.”
Optimists will see the same incident, the loss of a job, as just that. They will not lose sight of what’s going well in their lives, for example, their health, the support from their family and friends and the opportunity to start afresh.
Permanence
A pessimistic tends to view a negative situation as lasting. “I’ll always be able to sing. I sound horrible. This is just who I am.” An optimist is more likely to say, “I didn’t sing well in the concert. I should ask my teacher for ways to improve. I didn’t practise enough this week. Let’s see how I can schedule more time to practise singing next week.” The optimist doesn’t view the same situation as being permanent and is looking for ways to change and improve it.
Here’s a short video to illustrate the 3Ps created by Fight Mediocrity on YouTube. As you watch this video, reflect on which of the 3Ps do you gravitate towards when you face a challenge in your life? Do you take it personally? Do you view it as affecting your outlook in all areas of your life? Do you feel that you cannot change your situation? I like what the creator of this video said in the end, “You need balance, otherwise you will not be taking responsibility when you need to”.
Do you have that balance or do you have a tendency to swing from being too optimistic to too pessimistic? Have a chat with me about your struggles and let’s see how we can work together for you to achieve that balance in your outlook in life.
Contact me here for a complimentary 30-minutes call.
“The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns. The pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose.”
– Khalil Gibran, Lebanese writer
Letting Go…
I’ve been thinking lately about what is holding us back from living life fully, from pursuing our dreams. I had a conversation with a friend and fellow coach about collaboration and setting goals for next year. She said, “We dream first and not worry about the “how” just yet.” She suggested that we take up Walt Disney’s strategy when he was dreaming up Disneyland. One of his famous sayings was “If you can visualize it, if you can dream it, there’s some way to do it.” Her chat with me definitely helped me see things in a different light and I’m now excited about what’s in store for both of us!
As we are now in the last quarter of 2021, when you reflect on how you want to end this year and plan for the year ahead, what mindset do you need to let go off in order to fully embrace the opportunities that lie ahead for you?
Fear of Failure
What are you afraid of? Fear will always be there and if you wait for it to disappear, you will be frozen in place. Learn to embrace failure. I always encourage my clients to think of small steps that they can take towards facing their fears as once they accomplish that small step, their confidence increases and they will be ready to take on another step in the direction of their goals and dreams.
Blaming Others
“I can’t do this because of “so and so”; “If only I had that person’s strength…”; “I am born in the wrong family/ stuck in the wrong job/ married the wrong person…”
If you keep on pointing the fingers at other people and not reclaiming the fact that you are fully capable of making the choices in your life to make a difference, you will be stuck in this spiral of blaming everyone and every situation. It is always easier to put on the blaming hat. It’s often scarier to take ownership of your life. At the same time, if you don’t “own” your life, who does?
Pessimistic Outlook
Yes, there are so many uncertainties in our world today. As a planner, I struggle with remaining flexible and changing my plans ever so often in this new world that we live in. It’s easy to fall into the victim mode and take on a pessimistic outlook in life. On the flip side, if you take each situation as an opportunity for growth and learning, there’s a chance your outlook will not be as gloomy. Certain situations are harder to convert into gifts as others so remember that it also takes time for the gifts in these situations to be unearth. Just be patient and trust that you have it in you to face the challenges in your life.
Self-doubt
You don’t think you’ll ever amount to anything. You think you don’t have the skills nor do you have what it takes to become successful. Ask yourself if this is really true. Take stock of your past accomplishments and successes and adopt an objective view of it. Ask your family and friends for their views. We are often much harder on ourselves and don’t give ourselves enough credit.
Aiming for Perfection
This is one that hits close to home for me. I jokingly tell people that I am a recovering perfectionist. My kids think I have OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder - simply because I am quite particular about having things done in a certain way which I think is the right way. I have realised that aiming for perfection will only lead to setbacks and frustration. What we should aim for is doing the best that we can with what we have and then be satisfied with our efforts. I definitely need to continually let go of my perfectionist thinking.
Waiting for the ‘Right Time’
Is there a right time? The “right time” will vary from person to person and goal to goal. I see this mindset as being tied in with perfectionism. When I was preparing to launch my business last April, I struggled with identifying the right time to start my business. After much prayer and discussion with my husband, I realised that there isn’t one right timing. It’s just to get it going and learn along the way. Now, when I think of launching any new programs or starting any new initiatives, yes, I still do the research and necessary preparation but I am also more decisive in when to start any of these ventures. As long as you are open to growth and learning, you can start any time.
Stuck in Your Comfort Zone
It is easier to stay where we are and not think about changing or rocking the boat. Ask yourself if you will regret not taking that step to change or do something new. Will you be haunted by the “what if” question down the road? This ties in with facing your fears. When you take that first step outside your comfort zone, you will soon realise that what was uncomfortable and scary for you, that’s now your new comfort zone!
“First, think. Second, believe.
Third, dream. And finally, dare.”
– Walt Disney
What mindset do you need to let go of so that you can start realising your dreams? Let’s have a conversation about how I can support you in this venture as your coach. Reach out to me here today.
I Can Do It All
“Knowing your limits is a strength, not a weakness.”
“I can do it all!”
Or so I thought. I injured my elbow last week when I was lifting heavy objects as part of my frenzied cleaning tasks at home. Why frenzied and why did I try to stretch my weight lifting capabilities? Well, it’s because I had a very busy schedule that day and I wanted to pack in as much as I can so I ignored the warning signs that my body was telling me and pressed on. The next day, my bed gave way! The support of the bed shifted so it needed to be adjusted. I asked my son to help me lift the king-sized mattress and I adjusted the plank. He wasn’t too keen and asked me to wait for my husband to return from work as it would take more than 2 people to do the job. I didn’t listen to him, given my stubborn “controller” trait so we went ahead to sort it out ourselves. We successfully fixed my bed but as a result, I have a very painful and sore elbow which I am still slowly recovering from today. Sigh…
The above quote intrigued me. How often do we read in social media to not limit ourselves? To push forward at all costs to reach our goals and dreams? I’m guilty of saying this too as I believe that when you are passionate about something and you know it’s what you’re meant to do, you are to go all out to achieve it. That being said, my physical setback has caused me to reflect deeper on what it means to recognise your limits. There is a difference in pushing yourself outside your comfort zone (which I strongly encourage all my clients to do and I’m also personally challenging myself in this area) and recklessly and blindly pushing forward towards your goals without considering the negative impact it may have on yourself and others.
“You got to know your limits. Once is enough, but you got to learn. A little caution never hurt anyone. A good woodsman has only one scar on him. No more, no less.”
— Haruki Murakami, Japanese author
What did my injury teach me? On a practical note, it is definitely essential to not rush around carrying heavy objects without being careful of your posture and to know your physical limitations. On a more reflective note, I learnt that:
The Controller is not my friend
I had let my controller saboteur get the better of me. I went ahead with fixing my bed without considering how it would aggravate my injury further. Why did I do it? I told myself that it’s because I didn’t want to trouble my husband with it after his long day at work. However, when I made myself confront this thought truthfully, I know it’s because I am stubborn and wanted to prove to myself and perhaps to my husband and son that I can do it, that I am strong enough as a woman to do a physical task most people would think as more suited for men. I wanted to control the situation and the outcome. Fix the bed when I want it and how I want it. In hindsight, this was a foolish move.
How often do we let our saboteurs get the better of our rational mind and reasoning? How many times has the hyper achiever in us told us to burn the midnight oil, keep doing more and doing better over and over again when everyone else thinks you are amazing? Somehow, you don’t think you are enough. How often has our restless nature caused us to chase projects after projects, jobs after jobs, relationships after relationships, just because we feel that we may be losing out if we “settle”? Is the grass always greener at the other side of the fence? Do we slow down enough to appreciate our own lawn and to take care of it?
My lesson from this is to stop doing what I am doing immediately when my saboteurs show up and do my PQ (positive intelligence) reps. Just slow down, get centred then assess the situation. Do I really need to carry on doing and reacting the same way? More often than not, when you are calmer and are able to look at the situation objectively, you will find a more viable solution or approach to your situation.
Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness
As I had to rest my elbow, I couldn’t do all the household chores so I needed to ask my husband and children to do more of their usual share. In the beginning, I didn’t want to do so. Somehow, asking them to help me made me feel weak. However, I knew that if I carried on being this stubborn, my recovery will take so much longer so I started asking for their help. It made me realise that asking for help is a strength. It’s my realisation that I cannot do it all by myself and that’s perfectly fine. Life is not meant to be lived that way. When I see my kids support me with their help, I know that I have allowed them to show their love, care and concern for me and that makes them feel good as well. Coincidentally, I coached a woman last week who also faced issues with asking for help and I offered her this perspective that she is not weak if she asks for help. In a way, she is empowering her team when she seeks their support as they will know that she values their individual capabilities and contribution. By allowing them to show up and help her achieve the common goals of the team, that will strengthen their team cohesion and bond. Asking for help is a sign of strength…think about it.
Rest is not laziness
I feel that way so many times this week. I know intellectually that I needed to rest but a part of me chided me in that by resting and letting others help me, I am being lazy. That is definitely not a helpful voice to listen to. What did I do instead? I chose to believe that I needed to rest as that is for my own good and that I will recover better and faster. Rest is also good for me mentally and emotionally as I cannot be working and doing things for others all the time. If I don’t take care of myself, who will? When I “break down”, how will that affect those who love me and who depend on me? I made sure I took breaks away from typing on my laptop and doing my gentle elbow stretches. I was intentional in enjoying whatever is happening in the moment and not keep jumping ahead of myself to think of completing the items on my to-do list. I was present and I was content even when my elbow hurt. My injury has really gotten me to slow down. Lesson learnt the hard way for me!
What are your thoughts on rest? Do you see it as being indulgent and lazy?
Do you struggle with being overcome by your saboteur thoughts? Perhaps, you don’t even realise that your thoughts are sabotaging you. You may think it’s just how you think. Do you find it difficult to slow down or change course to something that has more meaning in your life? Do you feel that you need to be strong all the time? Are you worried that you will be found out by others when they realise that you’re not?
Let’s have a chat about this - you can book my time here.
“Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and to learn something new.”
- Barack Obama, former U.S. President
Introverts’ Voice
“Quiet people have the loudest minds”
A fellow coach friend suggested that I watch this Ted Talk given by Brian Little who is a personality researcher and an unapologetic introvert. In this talk, he dissects the differences between introverts and extroverts and how when the situation calls for it, introverts can act in an extroverted manner.
07:40: We communicate differently, extroverts and introverts. Extroverts, when they interact, want to have lots of social encounter punctuated by closeness. They'd like to stand close for comfortable communication. They like to have a lot of eye contact, or mutual gaze. We found in some research that they use more diminutive terms when they meet somebody. So, when an extrovert meets a Charles, it rapidly becomes "Charlie," and then "Chuck," and then "Chuckles Baby."
08:14: Whereas for introverts, it remains "Charles," until he's given a pass to be more intimate by the person he's talking to. We speak differently. Extroverts prefer black-and-white, concrete, simple language. Introverts prefer -- and I must again tell you that I am as extreme an introvert as you could possibly imagine -- we speak differently. We prefer contextually complex, contingent, weasel-word sentences - more or less…as it were…not to put too fine a point upon it -- like that.
Do introverts really have their own way of speaking?
I know I have a tendency to mull over things and in my mind, I’m already having a debate on the matter and yet, outwardly, no one knows my viewpoint. The struggle for me when I was working in the corporate world was to take that step to speak my mind even though I didn’t feel that my thoughts were well processed yet. I still feel that struggle now but am more aware of the times when I hold myself back. I have the confidence to say what I think when it would support my clients in their growth or when I believe that my words will benefit another person. I now ask myself, “What is the loss to that person if I hold back?” instead of “What will people think of me if I say the wrong thing?”
09:05: When we talk, we sometimes talk past each other. I had a consulting contract I shared with a colleague who's as different from me as two people can possibly be. First, his name is Tom. Mine isn't. Secondly, he's six foot five. I have a tendency not to be. And thirdly, he's as extroverted a person as you could find. I am seriously introverted. I overload so much; I can't even have a cup of coffee after three in the afternoon and expect to sleep in the evening.
09:41: We had seconded to this project a fellow called Michael. And Michael almost brought the project to a crashing halt. So, the person who seconded him asked Tom and me, "What do you make of Michael?" Well, I'll tell you what Tom said in a minute. He spoke in classic "extrovert-ese." And here is how extroverted ears heard what I said, which is actually pretty accurate. I said, "Well Michael does have a tendency at times of behaving in a way that some of us might see as perhaps more assertive than is normally called for."
10:25: Tom rolled his eyes and he said, "Brian, that's what I said: he's an asshole!"
10:37: Now, as an introvert, I might gently allude to certain "assholic" qualities in this man's behaviour, but I'm not going to lunge for the a-word.
10:50: But the extrovert says, "If he walks like one, if he talks like one, I call him one." And we go past each other.
At times, introverts are taken aback by how forward and direct extroverts are and that makes us uncomfortable. We may feel intimidated and overwhelmed by their presence. A slight change in our perspectives may help. In a social setting, most of us, extroverts and introverts alike, have some form of social anxiety. It’s just that extroverts deal with it differently in that they probably talk and engage more just to hide their nervousness whereas for introverts, we need to prepare ourselves more for conversations in these settings. Believe that what you have to say matters and is of value and there is richness in diversity of thought and opinions. If you still feel nervous, go to such events with an extroverted friend. I know for me, that helps!
11:46: I'm uncomfortable putting people in pigeonholes. I don't even think pigeons belong in pigeonholes. So, what is it that makes us different? It's the doings that we have in our life -- the personal projects. You have a personal project right now, but nobody may know it here. It relates to your kid -- you've been back three times to the hospital, and they still don't know what's wrong. Or it could be your mom. And you'd been acting out of character. These are free traits. You're very agreeable, but you act disagreeably in order to break down those barriers of administrative torpor in the hospital, to get something for your mom or your child.
There are times when we definitely step out of character - when there is an urgent need that requires immediate attention like the example Brian shared here. Have you ever believed in a particular project or goal so strongly that you would do anything to see it through? For me, it’s being a coach and I keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone when it comes to coaching and growing my business as this is my passion and purpose in life.
What is yours? What “voice” do you hear yourself speak when it comes to driving your purpose?
Do what you need to do to be heard and after that, in the words of Brian Little, “I find, for example, after a period of pseudo-extroverted behaviour, I need to repair somewhere on my own”.
“In a gentle way, you can shake the world. ”
Reach out to me here for a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call to find out how you can shake your world on your own terms.
Introverts - Nature or Nurture?
“Extroverts sparkle, introverts glow. If you appreciate your own quiet glow, other people will see it too.”
I’ve been sharing my thoughts on introversion in several podcasts, the latest being my guest appearances on Earrings Off!, Multi-Dimensional IN·tel·li·gence and Success InSight which you can find on my media page. As I have been appearing on more podcasts, all of my 3 children have been telling me lately that I’ve “turned” extroverted! Have I really? The answer is no as after I’ve done a recording, I need a lot of down time by myself to recharge and renew my energy. I do these podcast appearances because I believe my story and encouragement to others that being an introvert doesn’t mean you lose out in life to extroverts. As one of my favourite authors on this topic, Susan Cain, has said, “It’s is a kind of yin and yang where were we learn to value both types equally … I think we need to see more the value of both and really have each work learning to work together well because we actually know from research that the best teams and the best partnerships are a mix of the two.” Being an introvert shouldn’t stop you from collaborating with extroverts because there are always ways to complement each other. Some of my closest friends are extroverts and they embolden me to venture out and do things I would never do on my own!
Given that I’ve been thinking a lot about introversion lately due to my discussions with my children, also starting my new consultancy role and making new connections as well as the podcasts I’ve been appearing on, I was looking for videos done by Susan Cain for insight and inspiration.
I found this old video from 2012 where she was interviewed on Bloomberg Law to promote her book, Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking.
Here are excerpts from the video which will give you a better understanding of introversion:
00:45: You know I wrote it because I wanted to shine a light on a cultural bias that I think we have in the society against introverts and I think that our view of introverts right now is kind of like where we were with women in the early 1950s, early 1960s. Introverts are, believe it or not 50% of the population, so 50% according to the latest study.
01:53: When I was younger, I remember taking the Myers Briggs personality test, like so many of us did and I remember when I did that, I wanted so desperately though to be identified as an extroverted, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why, and are we somehow conditioned to believe that being an extrovert is the best possible outcome?
02:12: The interesting thing about this particular bias and conditioning is that until recently it's never actually had a name, so it's been a very powerful bias, but also a subtle one because no one actually says to you, you should be more of an extrovert, you know, that doesn't happen that often. And yet most kids from the minute they walk into a preschool classroom when they're two or three or four, they're sent that message in very powerful ways, so not in so many words, but nonetheless powerful, you know, there's just the idea that they get that they should be gregarious, that they should enjoy participating in group activities. They move up through the educational system and so much of our education is now conducted in groups. Even socially there's such a currency that's placed on being vivacious and gregarious. So, kids get the idea really early that that is the ticket to success and they don't so much see other paths.
04:15: The difference between an introvert and extrovert, it has to do with how you respond to stimulation. So, introverts tend to be at their most alive and their most energized when they're in environments that are a little quieter Extroverts really crave stimulation and you know, they feel kind of bored and listless unless they're getting a lot of it coming at them. And what's so important about this is we tend to think of introverts as being anti-social or shy. It's really not that. It's just that they have this preference for socializing also in quieter ways. So, they would much rather usually, you know have a glass of wine with a close friend as opposed to going out to a big party full of strangers because it's a less stimulating way of connecting with people.
06:33: In fact, there's one study that suggests that more than 50% of lawyers are introverts. which to me as a former lawyer is actually not at all surprising really. You have to actually get the work done as a lawyer. There's a lot about legal work that is really conducive to introverts, way of being, you know, you have to be really persistent, you have to be really careful, you have to be thoughtful, you have to sit down and focus and even in negotiations you have to often be kind of more understated and really listening really carefully to what's going on so that you can figure out a way to strategize a deal.
10:06: Is that nature, is it nurture? So, Kagan, he's a guy named Joe Kagan, he's a developmental psychologists at Harvard, one of the great psychologist of the 20th century. He kind of set out to study temperament and when he started was convinced that he was sort of on the nurture side of the debate, right? But he says that he was dragged kicking and screaming by his data to understand the importance of biology and genetics in temperament. It turns out that there are some babies who are born with temperaments that make them more careful, more sensitive and more likely to become introverts later on in life, and these babies, they're more reactive to stimulation. That's why they're called high reactive, and you can see it from the minutes that they're born.
11:24: 70% of highly sensitive people are introverts and then the other 30% are extroverts who still say that they need a lot of downtime. So there does seem to be a big connection and then there's some introverts who become that way, you know through other probably other biological mechanisms and also through nurture, you know this stuff is a little bit murky.
14:02: The biggest, most general thought is to really start to understand your powers and to feel entitled to be who you are. The more you do that, the more you start kind of carving out a career and a social life that actually suit your temperament and you know you kind of learn how to step outside yourself when you need to, but really more or less be living in a place that feels natural for you.
My takeaways from the video are:
Introverts are not better than extroverts and vice versa. It’s about creating awareness and respecting each other’s uniqueness and with that understanding, working together successfully at the work place and in our relationships.
Introverts are not shy people. It’s how they respond to stimulation and I would also put it as where we draw our energy from. I draw my energy from introspection and time by myself whereas an extrovert will draw his/her energy from engaging with other people.
Whether we are introverts by nature or through life experiences (nurture), it doesn’t matter. The main thing is to continue to learn, understand and use your unique strengths.
If you are facing challenges being your authentic introverted self in the workplace or on the personal front, please reach out to me to discover what coaching can do for you.
Marathon
“Life is a marathon, not a sprint; pace yourself accordingly!”
This month has been a busy one for me and in a good way. I’ve taken up a legal consultancy assignment that will last until the end of the year. It is one that challenges and stimulates my legal brain. I am excited about it and at the same time, there is apprehension given that it is taking me outside my comfort zone. We all know that growth happens there! This does not mean that I’m putting my coaching business on hold. On the contrary, I’m very excited about its growth as I am coaching more clients now, diverse individuals from various industries. Quite of a number of them are introverts and I’m inspired to journey alongside them to enable them to see introversion as a strength and not as a sign of weakness.
I’ve also been appearing as a podcast guest in more shows and have just created a new page in my website - see “Media” above. You can listen to all the episodes I’ve recorded there and I hope you will find one that is insightful and helpful for you. In my conversations with some of the podcast hosts, I’ve been asked/challenged by 3 hosts so far to launch my own podcast. Hmmm…food for thought for next year, perhaps?
With all the happenings in my life this month, I’ve been reflecting that I am working at a pace that is more of a sprint than running at a steady pace. As my new assignment requires me to be at the office of the organisation fortnightly, I’ve had to adjust my coaching schedule, my time with my husband and kids and not to mention the endless household chores. I’ve also reduced time for myself significantly and convinced myself that when I coach, that’s my “me” time as I love coaching. I took some time off last Sunday to rest and reflect on the past few weeks. Is the pace that I am keeping sustainable? It’s exciting, yes! It’s rewarding, yes! Can I keep this up for the long run? The hard truth is no.
This is why I am writing this post to share my thoughts on making sustainable changes in your life.
“Life is like a marathon, not a sprint. You have to train for endurance, not speed.” - Unknown
We live life with endurance and resilience. I looked up websites on how to train for a marathon. The lessons I gleamed there can also apply to how we live our lives.
Start small
Before you run a full marathon, run shorter races to get an idea of the level of your stamina. Similarly, with any new venture in life, start with preparation. Do your homework. Do you know how much you can take on in this season of your life? Don’t go in too soon and too fast without knowing what you really want.
Seek out counsel from those who have run ahead of you. What words of wisdom do they have for you that can help you prepare for your run in life?
For this phase of my life, I consulted friends who have been doing legal consulting work for years and obtained their advice on how to succeed in such roles. They helped me stayed grounded while framing my thinking in the right perspective and not get carried away.
Know your base mileage
All marathon runners have their base mileage that they commit to run at weekly. One must be disciplined to keep this routine of running 3-5 times per week. They review their base mileage regularly and increase it by 10% from week to week to push themselves. Do you know what your base mileage is? It’s where you are confident and comfortable at what you’re doing. You do it well and you can do it consistently. That means you are in your comfort zone. What do you need to do to take yourself out of it, just by 10%? Discover what that is and start doing it.
Practice the long run
Once you know your weekly base mileage, practise the long run. This is to build your stamina for the marathon. It is during the long run that you run slower, allowing your body to adjust to longer distances and teaches your body to burn fat for fuel. This is a timely lesson for me as I tend to push myself and meet deadlines way ahead of when they are due in my previous employments. Now, in this role, I remind myself not to rush and pace myself. Yes, deadlines need to be met but I am more mindful and present when I am doing the work at hand. Do you take the time to think about the pace that you put yourself in at work? Are you allowing time to adjust to new tasks and responsibilities or are you constantly fighting fire? Ask yourself - which approach is more sustainable?
Rest and recovery
Sure, there will be moments in your life where you have to sprint. The main thing is to realise that it is only meant to be for a short time and not for the long run. Marathon runners know the importance of rest days - days when they do not run. They allow their muscles to rest and recover from the aches and pains. The best way to prevent injury is rest. Likewise, the best way to prevent burnout is rest. Are you resting enough, mentally and physically? Is your mind constantly racing with checking items off your to-do list? What would your life look like if you intentionally take the time to pause, rest and recover from the hectic pace?
I protect my Sundays religiously (no pun intended!). I don’t do any legal drafting or research and I also don’t coach. I admit that there are times when I have had to work and I’ve been tempted to schedule a coaching session on a Sunday as I want to accommodate my clients’ schedules. When that happens, I stop myself and think - is this what I really want? Is this sustainable? The answer is always no as I need my Sundays off. It’s a non-negotiable for me. What are your non-negotiables?
Take this time to pause and reflect on your personal marathon. Do you have a sustainable plan? What would that plan look like if you have a coach running alongside you?
Speak to me to find out more about partnering with me as your coach!